Jet Black Heart - 5 seconds of summer

Ethan stood at the clearing, looking at Hope after calling her name. He felt torn apart, defeated by all that had been going through his mind. With his hands in his pockets, he tried to hide his emotions but knew he was failing. He could tell. She could read it all over his face.

She seemed worried. He wasn't sure what she was more worried about, him being there and upsetting her more or what he might tell her. He knew it was time to lay everything on the table. Although he had planned on waiting a while, well as long as possible, before telling her about Will, he realized that the time had come. Whether he wanted to tell her or not, Hope needed to hear it.

"Ethan, what are you doing here?" she had asked.

"I, um, needed to talk to you about all of this and tell you..." Just say it, "I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?" His heart was racing. "I shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. I was just so confused, and it brought up a lot of memories that I just have a hard time dealing with."

She watched him as he spoke, her head tilted to the side. God, how he needed her forgiveness. He didn't know what he would do if she didn't understand. It was killing him right then, the not knowing. But he had to keep talking to her, making her see what had been going on.

Would she even believe him? That Will had come back, basically a ghost or something, to help him? It was too crazy, he could barely believe it.

"Well, I can understand you would be confused. I was pretty confused myself. I'm not so sure about your anger though. Will you explain that to me?"

He was so relieved that she understood at least part of what had gone on. And she was willing to listen. That was all he could ask for.

"Can we sit down and I'll try to explain?" He wanted to hold her, touch her, but he knew she would need space. Sitting down was as close as he could get, so he would take it.

"Yeah, here, sit on the towel with me."

As he sat down, he made sure to keep some distance between them. He wouldn't force anything, just wait for her to close the gap. He would leave it up to her.

He wasn't sure how to start. He sat quietly for a moment, so she got things started.

"So, what's going on with you? Because I realize this whole thing is bizarre but..."

Yeah, bizarre was one way to put it. But he felt like the last five years had been pretty bizarre so this was just a new layer. He figured he would start with the dream, that would explain why he finally understood what she had been trying to tell him.

Just before he started talking he looked down and noticed her stones. Those little reminders of her time with him, and the wonderful traits she saw in herself. He needed to be as honest as he could, she deserved that.

"I remembered something, and then I understood what you were saying. I got it, why you would have talked to Will, when that seems impossible."

He wondered then about which night Will had first come to her. He suspected it was the same night as the dream.

"What night was the bonfire, when Will talked with you the first time?"

"Um, last Saturday, the first night I was up here. Why?"

As he suspected, that was the night he had the dream.

"I had a dream that night. Will, he came to me and told me he had helped you at the bonfire. He said that you would be ready now, I think he meant for me. I mean you would be ready to talk to me more. At the time, I just figured it was a random dream." He hadn't even really remembered it when he woke up.

"It was the anniversary of his death so I thought I must just be thinking of him. But after you left today, I mean after I told you to leave," he needed to be honest about that part. That was all him, he looked right at her, "it hit me. That wasn't just a dream. He was telling me, helping me too."

Ethan sighed. Would she understand?

"Wow, that's...I can't believe all of this. But why would he come to you in a dream, and show up with me all week?" She seemed shocked, but who wouldn't be.

"I guess I should start from the beginning. That might make more sense." He prayed it would, he couldn't handle losing her again.

"I told you how I had noticed you when I was about 15. I never told Will about you until that last summer you were here. I was kinda mooning over you and he sensed it. I guess I always got that way right before you would come up. I think I was just killing time the whole year until you were here.

"So, anyway, Will gave me a really hard time, teasing me about puppy love and whatever. I finally just told him I was anxious to see you and thought I would finally try to talk to you. I had thought about how I would do it for a while, and Will tried to be encouraging. But he still gave me a hard time about it, that's just how guys are I guess.

"When I brought you to the bonfire, he was the one asking you who you were. I know I left you standing there, but I was worried that he would scare you away. It was a mess, I know, and I could tell you didn't want to be there. It was really disappointing for me after all of that time. But I wasn't mad at all." He wanted to reassure her that he did understand her, no matter what.

"Anyway, after you left I just kind of moped around and kept to myself. Will tried to cheer me up, telling me to try the next year and not give up yet.

"That's what kept me going that year, thinking that I'd have another chance. I didn't even bother checking with my mom if you guys had reserved your weekend because it seemed like a given after so long. So when that weekend came around, I was pumped, determined. But you didn't show."

Ethan looked at Hope again, wanting her to understand his feelings. He had been keeping them hidden, guarding his heart from her this whole time. He didn't want to overwhelm her with how strongly he felt. But after everything, he thought she should know at least some of how he felt. He made sure to gauge her reaction as well, but the look on her face told him to keep going.

"I was miserable then, feeling like it was over for me. Will, again, tried to get me out of my funk. But I was bent on destruction. I took some beers down to north beach that night, instead of going to the bonfire, and Will came with me. He went ahead and had some too. We weren't really drinkers, I mean I had had some before at parties during high school, but not that much. We drank them all that night, too much for sure. We were both pretty plastered. I'm not sure why he had so much, I was the one trying to drown my sorrows."

He really didn't want to talk about what happened next, but Hope deserved to know everything.

"After a while I had the brilliant idea of going night surfing, while wasted. We always had our surf gear in the truck so Will said, 'Let's go for it'." Ethan shook his head and looked out to the water, "Dumbest idea I ever had. We could barely walk but we thought we could get up on a board.

"I didn't even make it halfway in the surf, but somehow Will was able to paddle out. It was a pretty full moon so we could see okay. Will caught a wave, sort of, and was up, but he fell pretty fast. The wave was really strong, and I guess it pulled him under. When he didn't pop back up I realized he hadn't attached the leash to his leg. It sobered me up pretty quick because I realized right away that he was in trouble."

Hope was still listening but he could feel her body stiffen in anticipation of what happened next.

"I figured that he got too disoriented in the surf. You get tossed around and it's hard to tell which way is up. And he was so drunk, I'm sure that made it harder than usual, plus being at night. Geez, it was the worst possible combination. I tried to swim out to find him, help him out. But I couldn't get to him. There was no one there to help us and I knew that if I went for help it would be too late. So I kept trying to find him..."

Ethan couldn't go on. He was breathing quickly, remembering everything so clearly. Hope grabbed his hand, which both comforted him and broke him. He couldn't hold it in any longer. Taking a deep breath to gain control, he looked over at her once again.

"It was my fault. I knew it then and I know it now. If I hadn't been so determined to drown my feelings he would still be alive."

Looking away from her, because he couldn't face her when he told her the next truth he needed to confess, he said quietly, "At first, I wanted to blame you, I'm sorry to admit. I thought it would never have happened if you had just come up. But I realized right away who was really to blame. Part of me feels like I have no right to be happy anymore."

For the first time in his confession, Hope spoke to him, "I think that's why he came to us, to help you find happiness, and to show you it wasn't your fault. He doesn't blame you."

No, no,no. "I can't think like that. It's been so hard to move past what happened. That's why I moved away, why I got a full time job and took a half load of classes. I needed to keep busy, keep my mind off of it. I can't even go to north beach anymore, I didn't go surfing for about 8 months too."

Hope was gripping his hand, holding on for dear life it seemed. "Why else would Will try to help me, I might have gone down the same destructive path you were on. But he pulled me away, literally, and got me to see the good in myself."

Hope let go of his hand, and his heart clenched. But then she reached down to pick up a stone, placing it in Ethan's hand. "Kind" she said as she put it there. She repeated the action with each stone, "understanding, respectful, cute, loyal, nice, helpful, encouraging, enough"

He knew what she was doing. She was telling him the meaning of each stone, and letting him know that those qualities also applied to him. A rogue tear made it's way down his cheek as he realized he saw those exact qualities in her. They were the things that were making him fall in love with her.

"These are what I saw in myself. I see these in you, too. You have to know what a special person you are to have been that patient and observing of me all those years."

She surprised him by taking his face in her hands, forcing him to look into her eyes. "I knew that this summer I had to come here. It was as if a voice was calling my name. I needed to come more than anything I've ever needed. When I first got here, I thought it was just to heal me, my sense of who I was, my relationship with my mom. But now I think there was a bigger purpose, you needed healing too. Will wants you to heal and be happy."

He just couldn't take anymore. He leaned his head on her shoulder, pulling her close to him. She allowed him to hold onto her, basically for dear life. Then he let it all out. He couldn't believe they were at that point, the 'spill your guts' point already. Ethan couldn't have been more grateful for her understanding.

After a while he took a deep breath, pulled his head back and looked deeply into her eyes. "Thank you" he said simply. Unwrapping her hands from his neck, she once again took his hand in hers.

"Come on, walk with me." They walked down to the water while Hope kept her eyes on the sand. Suddenly, she stopped, bent down and picked something up. She took Ethan's hand, turning it palm up and placed the object in his hand.

A stone. This one was for him. "What word goes with this one?" he asked.

"Guilty" and his stomach fell. He deserved that one. But he was surprised by what she said next.

"Now throw it in the ocean"

Gladly. He wanted that word, that feeling as far from him as possible, even if he deserved it. So he pulled back and launched it into the water with as much force as he could. He looked back at her with expectation.

"Choose another one." she commanded.

When he found one, he picked it up and gave it to her. She repeated the action of turning his hand palm up and placing the stone within. But this time she curled his fingers around the stone while saying, "Forgiven"

He couldn't believe this girl, this wonderful, understanding and supportive girl. His heart was so full, so grateful for her in his life, finally, he never wanted to let her go. It was Hope that reached for him first, wrapping her arms around him. He held on tightly and had only one thing to say.

"Thank you"

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Author's note

The same scene as "Human" in GH, but the depth of emotion is stronger coming from Ethan. He let every raw emotion out during this beachside confession. It helped Hope see him in a new light. Sometimes people are bonded through tragedy. Although Hope didn't deal directly with the tragedy of Will's death, she does have to deal with the aftermath. It was literally staring her in the face!

Notes on chapter title - jet black heart

There is a very important reason I chose this song. Hope's version was "Human" by Manafest because from her POV, Ethan, like the rest of us, makes mistakes. She is forgiving by nature and it hurts her heart that Ethan is suffering. From Ethan's POV, he is so guilty that he's basically tainted. Even though he wants nothing more than her understanding, deep down he doesn't feel like he deserves is. "The blood in my veins is made up of mistakes" is all Ethan right there.

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