Cloudedgaze

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This Oc belongs to @BeautifulxDisaster07
_______________________

Name: Clouded'Gaze
Love the name!

I checked her clan to see if she was an ancient or part of another group though, and since she's not and instead from one of the canon clans her name needs to be written like Cloudedgaze

Past names: Clouded'kit, Clouded'paw
Again, needs to be written the correct way but it's fine other than that :)

Name reason: she's blind- I don't know how to add details to that..
That's fine lol, it makes sense

Appearance: she a very short she with a thick light gray pelt that has white and dark gray swirls

So like, she's a light gray marbled tabby with white mixed in? I think I've seen a picture like that before

and dapples all over her pelt. She has a flat muzzle, folded ears and a few light pink speckles on her dark pink nose.

Oooh a Scottish fold? :o I like the speckles on her nose and the overall appearance but it needs more detail, especially because I only know her eye color is blue because you said she's blind. Since she seems to resemble a breed of cat, add some of that in. You already said she's short so maybe list she's a little stocky and has short downy fur too. Also, I think having dapples and a marbled tabby pattern is kind of cluttered so consider getting rid of the dapples or moving them somewhere else like her paws or ears.

Gender: She'Cat
*she-cat
There is no apostrophe

Age: 27 moons
A little on the younger side, but that's fine

Personality: she's kindhearted, friendly and goofy but she can be commanding and serious when she needs to be.

Pretty basic for a personality, and it doesn't have any negative traits either. Flesh it out more and think of characteristics to add in.

Sexuality: straight.
Mkay

Clan: Thunderclan
Alrighty (*ThunderClan)

Rank: Medicine cat
Lovely 😌

Kin: Swift'Foot(mother) she's an average sized cat with a short pelt.. The designs on her pelt are almost exactly the same as Clouded'Gaze's. Her ears are pointy and her muzzle is a regular size.

Urggggg the way the names are written are annoying. Also I have no idea what color her pelt or eyes are, nor any extra detail about her body.

Gentle'Heart(father) He's a short cat with a thick pelt (like Clouded'gaze) but his pelt is a milky white. He has a flat muzzle and small pointy ears.

Eye color please 🙏💀 And basically the same complaints as Swiftfoot about detail
Also consider changing the name because it sounds kind of dumb and Mary-sue ish. Like, why would he be named Gentlekit??

(She's an only child. Lol)
For future reference but "none" in the designated format 😌✨

Crush/Mate: (ik.. Ik.. Shes a med cat.. But continue reading.) Dust'Muzzle- he's a large dust colored cat with different shades of brown dappled on his flank and muzzle. His fur is thick.. But not as thick as Clouded'Gaze's. He has a short stubby tail and his ears are big and pointy.

Forbidden mate I'm guessing. And Dustmuzzle is great I'm sure but I'd love to know his eye color and literally anything else about his appearance. I'm not a fan of "dappled cats" because I always imagine them with fake looking dots of color but I could be misinterpreting this.

Kits: Sun'Tuft- he looks almost exactly like Dust'Muzzle but his pelt is a.. Yellow. He has different shades of cream and white dappled all over his pelt and he has a white belly.
Pretty, but GOD DO THEY HAVE NO EYES?
+more detail

Mentor: Quail'Whisker- He's a small blue-ish cat with short fur. His pelt has red ish- brown spots all over his pelt, including his face. He also has very dark brown eyes.

Blue-gray I think you mean. Also I don't think reddish brown spots are very realistic

Apprentice: She doesn't have one yet..
Makes sense

Friends: honestly.. She's friends with the whole clan. Lol
That's fine and all, but she needs at least 1 close friend. And isn't there someone in the clan who dislikes her a little? Like maybe they think she's annoying or something

Story: so, when she became a medicine cat she was told a very.. Strange prophecy.

Skipped straight past her kithood, apprenticeship, and naming ceremony, but ok

'When temptation is too strong, the clouds will cry, starting a storm only the sun can lighten.' She didn't think it was her it was talking about so she wasn't worried.

Ok, but she wasn't worried... at all? She just frickin ignores the prophecy given to her? Also this prophecy is a little too obvious honestly, it uses her name and her sons name in it, it also seems to be self fulfilling so really there's no point in it

But she got a little too cozy with Dust'Muzzle and has Sun'Tuft (Sun'kit). She decided to keep it a secret from the clan.

I'd like to know exactly HOW she hid her pregnancy. Leafpool only had to hide for a moon before she went away with Squirrelflight, so what did Cloudedgaze do?

She told Dust'Muzzle to say he found Sun' kit on the Windclan border.

Ok he's a WindClan Warrior. CrowxLeaf vibes since she's from Thunder

So he did. Moons when by and Sun'Tuft became a warrior. One of his friends were curious and asked who his parents were when they were at a gathering.
Weird place to ask, and why did he wait so long? And also why would he ask Suntuft who obviously wouldn't know since he was "found" on the border

He didn't have an answer so he was curious too.. He's always been close to Clouded'Gaze so he asked her.
What. He's been close with the medicine cat of another clan?? That's unrealistic

She said she had no idea so when he kept asking and asking, it slipped.
It slipped? Really? Why would he even ask her since from his perspective she wouldn't have any idea either.

Sun'Tuft was furious and told the clan.. Clouded gaze was almost exiled!
Scary

But they realized Quail'whisker was getting old.
So everyone was talking about her.. She became depressed(oof?)
"Oof?"?? Why the question mark

all she wanted was her sons forgiveness.. When the clan started to fight over what to do.. Sun'Tuft saw the war he started.. He felt guilty and long story short he apologized and forgave is mother.. Sun'Tuft had a long talk with the leader and they agreed everything was fine before he found out and they should forget everything that has happened.. But Clouded'Gaze was happy to know Sun'Tuft forgave her.. The sun lightened the storm. (*dramatic bow*)
Ok nice I guess

Other: I think I put all the details..
No need to include then

Review: The more of these I do the more annoyed I seem to get, so apologies in advance. Also I said most of what I wanted to already to, so I'll just quickly jot down some extra things

Appearances:
Undetailed is the main issue, second is that some of the descriptions are very very boring or have pretty unrealistic elements (like being gray with red spots). Try looking at some other designs or real life cats to get inspiration and describe them better

Personality:
Boring and basic, lacks actual character tbh. You need to think of more traits for her and ask questions like "why does she have this trait" which can prompt even more ideas for her personality

Backstory:
Gotta be honest, I was bored throughout the whole thing. It might've been more interesting if you explained her life before becoming a medicine cat and like who her friends and mentor are and how they get along. Also never explained the romance between her and Dustmuzzle as well as not explaining how she hid her pregnancy or birth. The prophecy part didn't really add anything to the story since she literally forgot about it, so just scrap that in my opinion. Sun speaking up at the gathering and the clans the parents are from is giving me major Leaf x Crow + Hollyleaf vibes, I'm not sure if this was done unintentionally or not but you should switch some things up so they don't seem so close.

Alrighty that's it, see you next time! ✨😋

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