EDGE OF THE SIDELINES

I ONCE FEARED LOSING MY DREAM.

Pakiramdam ko, kapag nawala ko ang bagay na 'yon mawawalan na ng direksyon ang buhay ko. Pakiramdam ko magiging pariwara ako. Parang hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dahilan ko para mag-sumikap.

Pero nang naranasan ko ng mawalan ng pangarap at sukuan 'yon, wala lang din pala. Bumalik lang din ako sa mga panahon na iniisip ko kung ano ba ang gusto kong maabot.

Ang kaibahan lang, ayoko ng mangarap ngayon.

I hissed when I felt someone bump me without even saying sorry.

Sinundan ko ang taong nakabangga sa akin at kinalabit 'yon.

"Next time, watch where you're walking. Nakabangga na hindi pa marunong mag-sorry."

The girl I talked to looked scared when she saw me. Tinignan ko ang ID lace niya at nakitang senior high school pa lang siya. Inilingan ko siya bago siya tinignan mula head to foot.

Tumalikod na ako dahil ang dami ng nakatingin sa akin.

Yeah, I know what they're thinking.

Aikeisha Raine, the college outcast, is terrorizing someone again.

Wala naman akong pakialam sa sinasabi nila. Huwag lang din nilang subukan na pakialaman ang buhay ko.

Sumakay na ako sa elevator para mas mabilis na makarating sa classroom ko. I rolled my eyes when the people I'm with in the elevator moved away from me.

Pinahihirapan lang din naman nila ang mga sarili nila. Siksikan tuloy sila sa isang tabi.

As soon as I got off the elevator, I heard their sighs. I went straight to my room and my steps halted when I saw my stepsister and my best friend, laughing together while showing their oh-so-charming friendship bracelets.

I smirked before tearing my gaze off them.

My forehead creased when I saw a paper, again, on my desk. Nilibot ko ang tingin ko sa buong room namin at nakitang nagbubulungan na ang mga ka-block ko.

My ex-friend with my stepsister is giving me stares full of mockery. I bit the insides of my cheeks to suppress my anger.

That damn guy.

WARNING: DRESS CODE VIOLATED

Good day, Ms. Aikeisha Raine Villar. This is a letter from the office of the Higher Supreme Council, informing you about your numerous violations of the approved dress code of the University. You are asked to report to the office of the Higher Supreme Council as soon as you receive this. Your professors will be notified about your absence.

Thank you and have a great day.

Sincerely,

Jesuah Krystoff Valderama

Vice President of the Higher Supreme Council

I bit my lip and crumpled the paper. Itinapon ko 'yon sa malapit na basurahan habang nagngingitngit ang galit sa kaloob-looban ko.

"Patay na naman siya kay Jesuah."

"Ano kayang ginawa nito kay President?"

"Deserve naman niya. Akala mo kasi kung sino."

"Baka kasi weirdo."

I ignored them all before storming out of the room. Hindi ko pinansin ang mga tingin ng mga tao sa amin matapos kong pabagsak na buksan ang pinto ng classroom namin.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema ng lalaking 'to sa akin. He's been pestering me since I became the President of one of the major organizations of our university.

It's not my thing to attend meetings kaya ang Vice President ng org naming ang pinapupunta ko lagi sa meeting. And since then, I've been receiving warnings about my dress code, and weekly reports about our org, as well as the future plans for it.

Hindi niya ako tinatantanan!

Hindi ko alam kung anong problema niya sa damit ko. I don't wear too revealing clothes! According to the ISCA's dress code, the only prohibited clothes are crop tops and low waist jeans that reveal belly buttons, sleeveless with deep neck cuts, and shorts that are five to six inches above the knee.

That's it! 'Yon lang ang prohibited!

Is there something wrong with wearing a black fitted cropped top and beige cargo pants? It covers up my belly button! And it ends up at my ankle!

That's what I wore yesterday. I don't freaking know what is the problem with my dress!

"Good morning, Miss Villar! When ka kaya ngingiti?" Ramses, the Higher Supreme Council President, greeted me when I entered their office.

"Jesuah?"

He smirked. He pointed to the door in front of us. "At his office."

Walang pagdada-dalawang isip akong pumasok sa loob ng opisina ni Jesuah. Naabutan ko siyang may binabasang mga papel sa mesa niya pero napatigil sa pagdating ko.

His cold face suddenly grew a smile when he saw my raging face.

"What a surprise, Miss Villar."

"Oh, please. Drop the formality!" I sarcastically replied.

"Fine, Aira."

"What will it take for you to stop ruining my peaceful life, huh?" I said with a stoic face.

"I'm just giving you warnings." One corner of his mouth lifted.

I scoffed. "Warnings? Dress code? Wala naman akong nilabag sa dress code."

"That's just a way to get your attention." He crossed his arms and a mocking smile crept into his face. "It's effective, I guess."

"Ano bang problema mo?" naiinis na sambit ko.

Sumeryoso ang mukha niya at tumayo sa kinauupuan niya. "Just attend the general meeting weekly, that's it. You are the representative of your org because you are the president, anyway."

"'Yon lang? I have my representative sa meeting! Hindi ba pwedeng busy ako kaya hindi ako ang umaattend?" tugon ko.

Umigting ang panga niya sa sinabi ko. Tinitigan niya ako ng diretso sa mga mata ko. Pinantayan ko rin ang titig niya at hindi nagpatalo.

"You're too anti-social. Ayaw mo bang makihalubilo sa ibang tao?" His icy voice filled my ears.

Ako naman ang ngumiti ng matamis sa kanya ngayon. "Bago ba sa'yo 'yung balita na anti-social ako? Kaya nga ako weirdo at iniiwasan ng lahat 'di ba?" I chuckled a bit.

"Why don't you try changing? It might be good for you—"

Hindi ko na siya pinatapos magsalita at pinutol ko na ang sinasabi niya.

I hate changes.

"Ano bang pwede kong gawin para tigilan mo ako?" wika ko. "Okay. Let's make a proposal. What's the most important thing to you?"

Natigilan siya sa tanong ko at lumamlam ang mga mata niya habang nakatitig sa akin. Nagsalita na ako ulit bago pa siya makasagot.

"Ah! Of course! The number one spot. Being the top student of the whole College of Engineering and Technology is the most precious thing for you, right?"

Tumayo na ako sa kinauupuan ko at hinarap siya. Tiningala ko siya habang nakangisi.

"If I'll beat you at the number one spot this year, you will let me have my peace back. Titigilan mo na ako sa pamemeste mo," mayabang na saad ko.

Napaatras ako ng bigla niyang ilapit ang mukha niya sa akin. Nahigit ko ang hininga ko dahil doon.

"And if I am still at the top . . ." aniya habang naglalakad pa rin papalapit sa akin habang naglalakad ako paatras. I loudly gasped when the cold wall touched my back.

"You'll do everything that I want."

My life was perfect before.

My Papa is the well-known owner of Forage Tech, one of the leading companies in the world when it comes to technology. He is the sole owner of the company. While my Mama is an owner, CEO, and chairman of Mirror Co. It is the second ambulatory surgical center in the country that runs outside a hospital.

Because of their jobs, we were able to live comfortably.

Rags to riches sila pareho ni Mama. Si Papa ang unang umasenso sa buhay. Both of them got together when they were in high school. Galing din sila sa probinsya at katulad ng iba na nangarap magkaroon ng magandang buhay sa Maynila. At katulad din ng iba, malayo ang buhay na naranasan nila mula sa inaasahan nila.

Nagtrabaho sila pareho at tumira sa one-room apartment. Hindi agad nag-aral si Mama dahil alam niyang mahihirapan siya dahil magastos ang mag-aral ng Medicine. Inilaan niya lahat ng sweldo niya kay Papa.

Pagkatapos maka-graduate ni Papa, pumasok muna siya sa iba't ibang kompanya para magkaroon ng experience. Nang makaipon, itinayo na niya ang Forage Tech. Sinuportahan ulit siya ni Mama at hindi naman nabalewala 'yon nang unti-unti ng makilala ang kompanya ni Papa. Kapalit ng sakripisyo ni Mama, siya naman ang pinag-aral at pinagtapos ni Papa. Pagkatapos ay tinulungan din siyang mabuo ang Mirror Co.

Nang ipinanganak ako ay mas bumuhos pa ang biyaya sa pamilya namin. Hindi na kinailangan pa ni Papa na maging hands-on sa kompanya, gano'n din si Mama.

But our pleasant life ended when my Papa died. First-year high school ako noon. Good thing, may knowledge na ako about technology. Sa akin ipinamana ni Papa ang Forage. Mapagkakatiwalaan ang nag-handle ng kompanya bukod sa akin pero paminsan-minsan ay tumutulong ako.

My Mama married another man with a daughter two years after. My new father is not as welcoming as I thought he would be, but our interaction is normal.

My step-sister, Regina, is a year older than me but we're still in the same year. Nalugi ang kompanya nila noon kaya huminto siya ng isang taon sa pag-aaral.

I could feel she hates me, but I'm still okay with it because at least, she doesn't show it.

Not until my Mama died, too.

Confident akong naglalakad sa hallway habang suot ang black hanging cropped top at black sweatpants ko. Enough to show a bit of my flat stomach. I wore my white Alexander McQueen oversized sneakers in white.

I strut the hallway with high spirit knowing that I won't get any warnings today from Jesuah, the epal.

It's a part of our agreement. As long as our deal stands, he won't care about anything that I do.

But my smile faded when I saw him entering our room. Pareho kaming natigilan nang makita ang isa't isa. Nilabas ko ang cellphone ko para masigurado na room ko nga 'to.

"What are you doing here?" masungit kong tanong.

"This is my class," he said and pointed out the room number. "Data and Digital Communications."

"Yeah, I know. But I want to know why you're in my class. As far as I know, we don't have the same program," tugon ko.

He chuckled. "Are you interested in me, Miss Villar? Why do you know so much about me?"

I smirked. "Knowing we aren't in the same degree program is not big, Mr. Valderama. Don't be too so full of yourself."

He raised his brow and shrugged his shoulders. "Sige. Sabi mo, e."

"Whatever. You got the wrong room," wika ko at nilagpasan na siya.

Nagulat ako nang sabayan niya ako sa pagpasok kaya nagkabungguan ang balikat namin.

"In case you don't know, my program is Electronics and Communications Engineering. So yeah, I am required to take this course."

I rolled my eyes and went past him. No biggie. Mas madali ko siyang mamo-monitor at matatalo kapag alam ko ang performance niya sa klase.

Advantage rin pala 'to sa akin.

Bago pa ako makaupo ay nakita ko si Regina at Alicia, my ex-best friend, na kinikilig habang nakatingin kay Jesuah na nasa likod po. Napailing ako sa kanila at umupo na.

My eyes wandered in the room. Nawiweirduhan kong tinignan ang mukha ng mga babae kong kaklase na pati yata pagkulangot ni Jesuah—kung gagawin niya—ay kikiligin sila.

Seriously? Hindi naman mukhang boyfriend material si Jesuah.

Typical snob nga siya. Anong nakakakilig kapag binabara ka ng isang tao? 'Di ba? Parang mga tanga lang.

Hindi lang din naman ang mga babae kong kaklase ang namamangha sa kanya, gano'n din ang mga kaklase kong lalaki. I get them, though.

Kahit na hindi siya katulad namin na Computer Engineering ang major, Jesuah is a coding beast din. He loves joining cybersecurity contests. Pambato siya ng ISCA para doon at ipinapadala pa sa ibang bansa simula nang senior high school kami.

Kahit na gano'n siya, buti na lang at hindi niya pinagkainteresan sumali sa org namin. Ayokong makasama siya sa iisang lugar ng matagal. Tambay pa naman ako sa org room.

"Good afternoon, class. I'm your professor in this course, Aldrin Chavez. You can call me Sir Chavez or Sir Aldrin. We didn't meet last time since it's your first week of school. I won't be having any introduce yourself thing because that thing is overrated already. Let's jump right into our lesson to save time because I won't be meeting you again next week."

Mabuti na lang at nagbabasa ako agad ng course outline na nasa school email namin. Hindi ako mamomroblema mag-absorb ng napakaraming impormasyon ngayong araw.

Sir Chavez explained the basics of Data and Digital Communications and I took some noted that I could add kapag nag-review ako.

"Let's move on to our next topic. What is Modulation?"

Halos sabay kaming nagtaas ng kamay ni Jesuah pero siya ang tinawag dahil mas nakita agad siya ni Sir.

"Yes, Mr. Valderama."

"It converts the low-frequency signal information to waves to deliver the message to a high-frequency signal bit-by-bit until the original message is sent."

"Great. So, what do you mean if the modulation is perfectly modulated and overly modulated?"

I raised my hand as quickly as I can and it worked. "Okay, Ms. Villar?"

"Sir, a perfectly modulated transmission means that the delivery of the message didn't encounter any noise. The conducting of delivering information was smoothly done. On the other hand, an overly modulated transmission could result in distorted information or failed transmission."

Tumango-tango si Sir Aldrin sa sagot ko at bahagyang napangiti. "It seems like you have some great minds in this section."

"Baka Jesuah 'yan, Sir Aldrin!"

"Top 1 namin 'yan si Jesuah, Sir!"

"Top 2 naman 'yan si Aira, Sir!"

Sir Aldrin felt proud when he heard my classmates. Nagliwanag ang mga mata niya na tila ba may interesting na bagay siyang nakita.

"I'm giving you both a situation," aniya. Natuon ang atensyon ko sa biglang sinabi ni Sir Aldrin. "I wanted to find the perfect signal, the perfect modulation, but I accidentally turned the knob from 100 hertz to 1000 hertz. What do you think would happen to the information? Will it be still stable?"

"No, sir. The information most probably would be unrecognizable or the device might explode," mabilis na sagot ko. Hindi sumagot si Sir Aldrin at binalingan niya si Jesuah na tahimik lang sa tabi ko.

"What about you, Mr. Valderama?"

"The signal could still be heard but, it would have some static noise. 'Yon po pumapasok ang tunog na matinis na nakakabingi. Yes. What, Ms. Villar, said was true, but information could still be relayed. Either delayed, or a failure. This situation is a perfect example of an overly modulated transmission."

Malakas na natawa si Sir na nakapagpakunot ng noo ko. "I like both of your answers. Both are correct. You have different perspectives. I like it."

I scoffed silently then sat down as I wait for another question.

"What mathematical branch is involved with modulation?"

Sabay kaming nagtaas ng kamay ni Jesuah pero siya ang tinawag. Napabuga ako ng hangin sa inis dahil doon.

Oh my god! I'm being too competitive! I thought I've lost this spirit before!

"Trigonometry, sir," Jesuah answered. I nodded my head and didn't refute his answers because he's right.

"How many trigonometric formula is associated with Amplitude Modulation?"

"One, sir. The general formula," he answered, again.

I laughed inwardly. He's wrong.

"Do you agree, Ms. Villar?" Bumaling sa akin si Sir Aldrin.

"No, sir," ani ko at tumayo.

"How many are they?" He asked again.

"Four, sir. One for the carrier signal, one for the lower bandwidth, another one for the higher bandwidth, and the general formula," I stated confidently.

"Perfect. Both of you will get full marks on the recitation today. Class dismissed," sabi ni Sir Aldrin at lumabas ng room.

Binitbit ko ang bag ko at nang-aasar na tumingin kay Jesuah. "I win."

Nagpatuloy ang ganoong setup namin ilang buwan. Palitan kung sino ang magta-top sa klase. Napapansin na rin 'yon ng ibang mga kaklase namin dahil nakikisali na sila sa asaran madalas.

Months passed, I focused solely on improving myself to beat him. Pero sa kamalas-malasan na pagkakataon, napag-partner pa kami sa final project namin. I tried to be casual as much as I can.

Be professional pero competitive pa rin.

Though, I wavered a bit. Not because I am tired on aiming for the top but because I noticed that Jesuah is not treating me as some kind of competitor. He is just trying his best to complete the project and the sem.

When the presentation started, I did my best, too. Especially when the question and answer part of the presentation happened.

I am confident that I answered the questions correctly but I couldn't afford to smile—because I know Jesuah didn't do his best. He didn't answer any questions at all.

Prof. Chavez announced that I got the highest individual grade in the class. Hindi rin ako makangiti sa mga kaklase ko sa pag-congratulate nila.

To make myself feel better, pumunta ako agad sa pinakamalapit na mall. Potato Corner and Tiger Sugar ang natripan kong bilhin. 'Yan palagi ang cravings ko tuwing nad-down ako. I bought a Tera and a large milktea.

Umupo ako sa mesa malapit sa Potato Corner. Ten minutes pa raw kasi to prepare my order. Kinain ko na muna ang fries ko at nag-scroll sa Twitter ko. Nabitin sa ere ang kamay ko nang makitang umupo sa harap ko si Jesuah, dala-dala ang laptop niya.

"What makes you think that it's okay to be at the same table with me?" matigas na anas ko. Tinatago ko ang kalungkutan ko sa pagsusungit sa kanya.

"I need your help."

"And I refuse to help you."

May pinindot siya sa laptop niya at hinarap sa akin 'yon. Nakita kong ang daming error ng code niya. Okay lang sana kung matulungin akong tao, e.

Pero patapos na ang academic year. Last requirement na namin ang presentation kanina. Kaya ano pa itong mga pinagagawa niya?

Siguro dahil sa guilt ko at lungkot ko para sa kanya kaya pumayag na ako.

"I know you could solve this. This is important to me," sambit ni Jesuah na may pagmamakaawa sa tono niya. Diretso rin ang titig niya sa mga mata ko.

Natawa ako sa loob ko. Why not have a little fun?

"Say please, first," I said jokingly and trying to lift up my mood, too.

"Please," he replied.

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?" Ngumuso pa ako at parang nagpapacute.

Naitikom niya ang labi niya. Halatang nagtitimpi siya ngayon. He really needs my help, huh?

"Pretty please with a cherry on top," ngumuso rin siya at nilagay pa ang palad niya sa baba niya.

I chuckled at his face. Okay. I already had my fun. Hindi ko namalayan na nakangiti pala ako habang inaayos ko ang mali sa program niya.

Nakalimutan niya lang pala lagyan ng terminator ang isang line tapos nagkamali siya ng declaration sa isang statement. It should be float, not double. Small decimal values lang naman ang gusto niyang lumabas sa output, e.

"Ayan na," wika ko at hinarap na sa kanya ang laptop. Ni-run ko at okay naman na. No errors na.

Kumain na ulit ako ng fries ko nang mapansin na hindi pa rin siya umaalis. Inangat ko ang tingin ko at napansin kong nakatulala siya.

"Hey." I snapped my fingers in front of him.

"Mukha ka palang tao kapag nakangiti ka."

Tila naputulan ako ng dila dahil sa sinabi niya. Nanigas din ako sa kinauupuan ko nang ilapit niya ang daliri niya sa gilid ng labi ko at may pinunasan doon.

"What . . ."

"You're beautiful, Aira. Has anyone told you about that?" he asked then . . . he smiled.

My heart drummed insanely with what he said. And because of that moment, I realized, my heart has been taken by him.