Chapter 30: Tears
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Fingers were stroking through my hair, rousing me from the dark. My eyes were dry and scratchy, my throat raw. In fact, there didn't seem to be a single part of me that didn't hurt. An ache had settled deep into my bones and the place between my legs throbbed with the beat of my heart. A groan slipped past my lips and the male I was curled up against hushed me gently.

"You're awake." There was such relief in his voice and as I breathed in, I could catch the saltiness of tears. My Beta had been crying.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat, my gaze catching the woven bassinet that sat empty not far from the furs we lay on. Blankets were folded neatly beside it, all ready to wrap up a pup that hadn't even taken a breath.

Pushing up on my elbows, grief shredded my heart in my chest. Bjarke tried to push me to lie down again but a snarl and he flinched back. There was a crease between his brows as he studied me as he did way back when I'd first been his prisoner; like I was a wild animal, unpredictable.

"You need to rest, my mate-"

"Leave me alone," I snapped, shifting onto my side so my back was to him. Of course he was right. I was drained, exhausted and sleep beckoned me but I feared what dreams might haunt my sleep.

I felt Bjarke get up and walk away but the splash of water from the corner of the room told me he was simply getting a drink. He carried the mug over to me, sitting crossed leg and holding it out in offering. I turned my nose up at it. I didn't want to drink, or eat. What was the point?

"You have to drink. You've been sleeping for days and you need to build up your strength," he insisted.

When I still didn't move, he took matters into his own hands and hoisted me up. I didn't have the strength to fight him and was forced to swallow enough water to satisfy him. He wiped away what I'd spilt down my chin then allowed me to crawl back beneath the furs.

I tugged them up to my chin, breathing in the mingled scents of Bjarke and I, even though it brought me little comfort. There was another scent in the room too. A stranger had been in here and I wanted to scream at my mate for allowing another in here. But he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve my wrath when he'd done everything in his power to keep my pup and I safe. It was my fault that all he'd built for us crumbled to dust.

My eyes went back to the bassinet and immediately my vision blurred with tears. Fisting my hands so my nails pinched into my palms, it felt like something was slowly tearing bits of my heart away. I hadn't even gotten to see him. Or hold him. Did he have hair? What colour was it? Did he have green eyes, or blue like Jakkon, a steely grey like the male I couldn't think about right now?

"Did you name him before you buried him?" I croaked, curling around my belly that was no longer swollen with a pup.

Bjarke inhaled sharply and I felt the bond tug painfully between us. I closed my eyes against the tears that threatened to fall, my arms feeling oddly empty even though I'd never gotten the chance to hold my son. Stumbled words fell from my mate's lips and I wondered if he'd grieved as I had that first day. Was that why he'd been crying?

When there was still no answer from him, I frowned. Something was wrong and I forced myself to peer up at brown eyes that were swirling with an unnameable emotion.

"You didn't bury him," I surmised, my voice coming out oddly cold and detached. Maybe the pack burnt their dead.

"Oh, Freydis, no," he breathed out, finally managing to speak. Shaking his head vigorously, he pulled me back against him so he could cup my face in his hands even as I tried to pull away. "You held him, remember? After Madden cleaned him up and got him breathing. You fell asleep while he fed for the first time."

I frowned, all panic and grief flying away as I stared up at my mate in disbelief. Bjarke wouldn't let me pull away as my mind tried to catch up with his words. My pup wasn't dead? How could that be? Had Freyja heard my prayers after all. . .?

Now that my thoughts were clearing, I had a blurred memory of holding a screaming pup to my breast but it felt more like a dream. Something I'd conjured up to settle my soul rather than the truth.

"He's. . .he's not dead?" I asked, crying once more for a whole new reason, heaving sobs that rattled my whole body. 

"No, my love, my beautiful mate, he's not dead. You gave birth to a son. A healthy male. He had trouble breathing in the beginning but he just needed a little help," he assured me, rocking me in his arms as his fingers ran through my hair, anchoring me to reality. "I'm sorry, I should have known you might be a bit fuzzy. You lost a lot of blood, Madden kept you asleep so you could heal."

I pushed away, every instinct screaming that my pup wasn't in my den, with me, his mother.

"Where is he? Why isn't he here? Who has my male?" I panicked, struggling to move so I could look for him. Someone else had to have been feeding him too while I was asleep, what female had dared take my son? The jealousy that flared to life flooded me with energy and strength returned so that Bjarke had to fight to keep me in our bed.

"He's with your mother. She hasn't let anyone near him, I promise. No other scent touches his skin but ours. She just took him out, he was crying. He wants his mother, and he probably wants to eat. She'll be back soon and you can feed him," he promised soothingly, letting the rumble of his wolf fill the air.

The sound relaxed me a little, hackles softening against my skin, but my wolf was still just beneath the surface. I wanted my pup. Especially knowing he was outside, away from my protection, amongst wolves that weren't blood. Anything could happen and I wouldn't be there.

There were also females to threaten. Instincts urged me to find the one who's been feeding him and draw blood. But that was irrational.

"You should really try and sleep-"

"I want him now, Bjarke. Go get him, please," I begged, feeling my bottom lip tremble as I shoved at the huge male.

He looked torn about leaving me alone but he nodded, helping me lie back down. Perhaps he saw how close to unravelling I was. "Okay. I'll go get him. You rest until I come back."

"Just him," I added quickly, grabbing his arm. "I don't want anybody else in here. Nobody else. Not whatever bitch has been feeding him, not my mother, not-"

My mate growled, cutting off my rambling. He didn't look too pleased by what I'd said and he folded his arms, expression growing stern despite the understanding still shimmering in warm, but tired, brown eyes.

"The bitch you refer to is Katrin, she's been offering milk for our pup. To keep him alive." The bite to his tone had my head bowing down, head tilting slightly to give him my neck. "And I'll need to tell Madden you're awake, he'll want to see you and check on you. Your mother will want to see you're okay too. She's been making herself sick with worry."

I shook my head stubbornly, unsure why I was reacting this way. But I was feeling vulnerable and antsy, and having anyone else in here would only fray my nerves that much more. With a heavy sigh, he relented to my wishes and nodded once more, pushing himself to his feet. The light from the window lit up his face and I nearly gasped. Dark bags circled his eyes, his face drawn and tired as if he hadn't slept. Maybe he hadn't.

Before I could ask, before I could check on how he'd been coping like I should have done instead of overreacting, he pulled his mantle over his shoulders and stepped out into the snow. All I could do while I waited for his return was fret with the furs and blankets that had been piled around me. My stomach twisted with nerves at the prospect of seeing my son but there were no more tears left to cry, nothing left but anticipation.

When seconds drifted into minutes, I had to lie back down, keeping stills so as not to cause myself more pain while my ears strained for any sound that signalled my mate was back. Occasionally, I could pick out voices drifting from the heart of the settlement. Pups giggling. Someone chopping wood. But no high pitched cries of a newborn.

It was then I realised it was no strangers scent that lingered in my den. The deeper I inhaled, the more I could pick out the similarities. The pup smelled like me, that seem hint of something a little wilder than the pack. I couldn't help but smile then, until I heard the crunch of snow beneath a heavy weight.

Everything went in slow motion as the door opened. A gust of wind brought flakes of snow fluttering inside and I was glad the fire was still flickering away in the pit. In one of my mate's arms was a bundle of blankets wrapped in thick furs. I sat up against the wall, eyes wide and alert but I couldn't see any sign of skin. Bjarke was smiling down at the pup kept hidden from me as he crossed the room.

He knelt beside me and I could hear the little gurgles coming from the bundle. Shifting closer, Bjarke lowered his arm and my breathe caught in my throat. The only part of the tiny male that wasn't covered was his face. He looked to be sleeping, his cheeks a rosy red from the cold. I leaned in, pressing my nose against his cheek and inhaling deeply. The blankets he was wrapped in were saturated in my scent, only hints of Signy's blemished it. Inhaling again, I nuzzled into the sleeping pup, rumbling gently so he could hear me.

It felt like a dream again. That at any moment of wake up and he'd be gone. I had to push that panic away, focusing on the way my heart swelled with emotion. Bjarke

I was too scared to reach out and take him, just in case I dropped him. He was so tiny, smaller than he should have been. But he was here. And he was alive.

Bjarke laid him down on the furs and slowly unravelled him from his coverings. His face scrunched up as he lost warmth and his first cry awoke every dormant instinct. There was no fear of dropping or hurting him as I scooped him up into my arms, holding him against my skin. My little male was warm and wriggly, but he settled as I wrapped my own furs around him, rubbing it into his skin so he'd hold my scent.

My mate reached over to stroke our male's head and I turned away, a low warning growl escaping me. He answered with a growl of his own, ignoring me as he cupped the pup's head.

"I understand that it might be hard for you to let others near him. It was hard to let Madden take him from me at first. . ." He looked sheepish for a moment before admitting, "Dirk and Hagan had to hold me back when Signy took him from our den so Katrin could feed him. But you know I won't hurt him, he's as much mine as he is yours. So don't snap at me. I will snap back."

The harsh edge to his tone had my jaw clenching but I forced myself to relax against the wall and watched my mate's every movement as he pressed his own scent into both of us. He was right after all, the pup was his too.

Once I'd calmed down, I went back to studying my son. He was sleeping again and I could feel the fluttering beat of his heart against my chest. 

"He's really okay?" I asked, sliding my hand over the length of my him, counting all the fingers and toes as I did.

Bjarke smiled and pressed a kiss to my cheek. "Yes, my mate. He's a strong male, always hungry, and Madden says he'll grow just fine. It was you who scared me."

"I'm sorry." I knew something had gone wrong deep in my bones. Had it all gone wrong because of something I'd done? Because I'd slipped? I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer.

"You've nothing to be sorry for. It was not your fault and you're both just fine. Madden kept a close eye on you the first two days. You'll have to take it easy while you heal." His skin flushed as I gave him a questioning look and he rubbed the back of his neck. "You. . .tore. He fixed it."

I didn't need any clarification. As soon as he'd said it, my body told me the rest. The place between my legs burned and I was doing my best to keep my weight off it. But I knew he had to have been lying, he'd said himself that I'd scared him, I knew it myself that I'd almost lost my life. And the pup's too. Neither of us were 'just fine'.

Bjarke kept close to me after that, his body pressed flush against mine as we both got lost in admiration of our baby. There was still a niggling doubt that this would all come crashing down around me.

Whenever those thoughts here strong, Bjarke would growl gently, his fingers rubbing into my scalp to keep me here with him. It was easier not to fall to dark thoughts now though. In fact, I cursed them all. My entire focus should be on this little life who still relied on me.

"I should go get you something small to eat. Is there anything you want?"

I shook my head but he carried on talking anyway.

"I could ask you mother to come in, she's eager to see you. In a few days, once we've decided a name, we can introduce our son and my heir."

My heart fluttered, lip parting surprise as I glanced up at him. "You'd have him be Beta after you?"

"How many times must I say it for you to understand? This pup is mine," he stated, leaning down to nip gently at his shoulder. The pup wiggled a little at the sting but was otherwise unbothered.

Watching my mate in awe, I held my son a little tighter. Bjarke brushed his knuckles across my cheek then started to get up and I panicked again. I couldn't be left alone? I didn't know what to do with a baby.

Sensing my insecurity, he pressed a lingering kiss to my lips. I kissed him back, melting a little as he claimed my mouth. He still wanted me. After all of this. I didn't even realise I doubted that until now.

"You'll be fine," he whispered. "Shall I have your mother or Katrin come sit with you for a while. Katrina could show you how to get him to latch properly."

I shook my head, feeling my hackles rise. He was cementing the idea in my head that I didn't know what I was doing, that I needed some other mother-wolf to teach me. "I don't want anyone else in here. I don't want anyone taking him out anymore either. He's mine."

Bjarke wanted to argue, I felt it through the bond, but for now he only bowed his head. I couldn't hide us both here forever, my Beta wouldn't let me, but the outside world was a dark and dangerous place. On the one hand, I didn't trust myself to take care of my pup, yet on the other, I trusted nobody else with him. Except maybe my mate.

I'd figure that all out later. For now I was allowed some moments of peace. A few days away from the world where I could bask in the glow of being a new mother. I would teach myself how to feed him, and dress him, how to get him to sleep. Bjarke would help me. But I needed no other. This was something I needed to do by myself, to prove to myself that I wouldn't be a bad mother.

While Bjarke went to get food, I sat and studied my son. He was yet to open his eyes so I didn't know what colour they were, but he had wisps of blond hair that I smoothed against his head. Closing my eyes, I breathed in his scent of earth, wildflowers and something sweet once again, unable to get enough of it. Brushing my fingers over the back of his hand, I smiled as he gripped my finger, my whole heart nearly shattering for the amount of love I had for him.

"We're going to be okay," I whispered my promise to him.

A little gurgle had my heart clenching even more. I was sure it would break. I knew I'd tear apart the world to keep him safe. I'd fight any wolf and confront any foe, whether they be my own thoughts or something real. I'd make him a home here with the pack, he would grow up with friends and family.

When he began to get a more restless, I shifted him in my arms, guiding him to my breast. It was an odd sensation as he latched on and my nose scrunched a little. It stung. Was it meant to? Either way, he settled happily to feed in greedy pulls. He was a noisy eater and I couldn't help but listen to the little sounds he made. I was completely entranced. This male had me wrapped around his little finger already.

Drying my face of tears that were falling again, I took a deep shuddering breath. I didn't even look up when my mate returned, even as the smell of food made my stomach growl. My mate stood in the middle of the den and my skin flushed at the feel of his eyes on me. Glancing up, there was adoration in his eyes, a small smile on his face.

"Beautiful," he murmured.

Settling back by my side, he set the tray of food down. There was a little of everything on it, but I reached out to take a bit of apple and felt the bond thrum. Always with his apples. He was happy I enjoyed them now too.

"Fenna has a little chocolate left," he told me. "When you feel up to having visitors, she says she'll bring it with her."

Very clever. Incentive. I saw through it but nodded none the less. "Are my father and brother back yet?"

"Not yet but a runner was sent to tell them when you went into labour. Most of the hunters have returned, they won't be too long."

Another nod. Most of my focus was still stuck on the pup that had pulled away from my breast to yawn. Bjarke leaned in to take him from me, his movements slow but still my arms clamped around the pup, lips pulling back to flash fangs. My heart thundered, every line of my body stiff.

I had to admire then how Bjarke managed to let Signy take the pup out of the den while he stayed with me. My wolf was urging me to snap at the hand reached out but that would cause I fight I wouldn't win. Bjarke was the father, I reminded myself. I trusted him.

"You need to burp him once he's fed. Let me show you how," he murmured, his voice low and soothing. When he reached over again, I forced myself to let him take my son.

Placing a blanket over his shoulder, he held the pup against his chest and gently rubbed his back. It felt like my stomach dropped as I watched, my fingers twitching to take him back. I was jealous too. Jealous that my mate obviously knew what he was doing, and with such confidence, while I knew next to nothing. While I'd been asleep, Bjarke and other females had been taking care of my male.

"My parents would have spoiled him," he mused, looking completely at ease.

His words tore my thoughts away from feeling inadequate. I'd never heard him speak about his parents before and it hit me that I'd never asked.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"With the Gods now. My mother had me long after all my siblings grew up and moved on. My father was Sol's Beta, and Jakkon's for a little while. I took that rank when my parents passed on," he explained, then chuckled as our pup brought a little milk back up. I understood why he had the cloth over his shoulder now. "I'm sure they're watching us though."

I nodded with a slight frown. It was clear he'd dealt with his parents deaths but for some reason, I felt a lump in my throat that told me tears weren't too far behind. Would I ever stop crying? I cuddled closer, brushing my fingers over the now sleeping pup's back. He looked impossibly smaller in my mate's hold.

Peering up, I met the warm brown of Bjarke's and forced myself to ask, "Could I have died?"

His expression changed, contorting into one of pain that he couldn't hide from me. From his emotions through the bond, I already knew what the answer was. Yes. I could have died.

Lifting up painfully, Bjarke came the rest of the way and kissed me. I was careful of the pup between us but I couldn't hold back, even as pain laced my body. This close, I could see just how heavy a toll the last few days had taken on him. His lips were cracked, not that I minded as he thoroughly kissed me.

"You didn't look after yourself," I chided gently, cupping his face in my hand.

He nuzzled into my touch, closing his eyes. "I had more important things to worry about, like looking after you. Our pup. The first night was rough, we weren't sure either of you would make it."

My heart clenched, eyes flicking to my male. I knew he was okay now, certain that Bjarke would tell me if there were any concerns, but I couldn't help the instincts of a mother-wolf. A slight breeze blew through our den and the pup scrunched his face up, eyelids finally open to allow me to see his eyes.

I inhaled, shifting to get a closer look because I was sure I had to have seen it wrong. But no. His eyes were the most beautiful hazel I'd ever seen, green and brown both standing out. It looked like the forest floor, or maybe looking up from beneath a tree. I stroked his cheek, rumbling gently until he settled once more.

He was a tired little thing. He'd had a rough introduction to the world.

"Your mother thinks great things await this one," Bjarke chuckled. Lying down with the pup on his chest, his other arm came out to tug me into his side. "All great wolf's deserve great names."

I hummed but like my pup, I was beginning to drift off once more. Despite not having been awake for long, nor even eating, I couldn't keep my eyes open another minute. Fingers stroked through my hair, and I trusted Bjarke to keep us both safe.

"Do you have a name in mind," I wondered, trying to stay awake.

"He's your pup, my female. I want to know what you want to call him," he answered, tugging the furs over me.

I didn't know enough about names and I didn't trust myself to pick the right one. If get the name Bjarke liked out of him tomorrow. For now, I was happy to sleep cuddled up next to my mate and our male. When I was well, I'd offer something to the Gods in thanks for keeping us all safe.

Snuggling in, I forced my eyes to open so I could see the face of my pup again. I couldn't get enough, positioning my head so every inhale brought his scent to me.

"I'm going to let your mother come tomorrow, Freydis. I know you want to keep wolves out but you need to do this or it'll only get harder."

His tactic was clever, setting out the law only after I was too tired to argue. I nodded anyway, even as I wanted to growl and refuse. He was right, deep down I knew that. An unhappy sound made its way past my lips but my mate only found it amusing.

"Maybe I'll invite Katrin and Fenna too," he added and I opened my eyes to fix him with a look. He was smirking and I knew he was teasing me.

"I'd like to see my mother," I said, hiding my smile when he laughed. He knew how to play me well.

Glancing once more at my pup, I got comfy. I could have watched him sleep forever.