اسے کھونے سے ڈرتی تھی
بہت رونے سے ڈرتی تھی
پھر آخر یہ سمجھ آیا
کہ رویا ان کو جاتا ہے
بچھڑ جائے مقدر سے
کہ کھویا ان کو جاتا ہے
جو حاصل میسر ہوں
جو دانستہ بچھڑ جائے
اسے رویا نہیں کرتے
کبھی پایا نہیں جس کو
اسے کھویا نہیں کرتے
Afaaf

I sat idly staring at the strip in my hand and for the past four days I had done the same.

Pregnant!

A baby!

The thought would warm hearts of so many mothers but here I sat with my heart lurching in my throat. Afraid to take the test. Afraid if the test came out positive. Afraid at what the doctor said was true. And on the verge of losing myself, a baby was the last thought on my mind.

Abba would bury me alive in the ground.

I wished my heart would have warmed up. I wished that it made me happy if I was, then. But my heart would explode and my stomach would churn each time I thought about it. I couldn't find to the courage to reveal the truth. And I couldn't bring myself to tell it to Mama or Shaya.

They were completely unaware about Doctor Bilquees suspicion. And I made no effort to let them know. Gripping the strip tightly between my fingers, I stood up from the bed. Sighing heavily, I walked to the bathroom before throwing the strip in the dust bin.

It was almost immature and childish of me. But for the sake of peace of mind, I let it be.

Today mama was taking me to the doctor again. Although the past four days, I kept dragging on but today she caught me. And I was left with no other choice as my reports were to be showed to the doctor.

Picking out a white dress, I braided my brown thick locks. Staring at my reflection, I felt as if I was being pulled back in time. To all those times when I'd get dressed and Zaryaab would stare at my reflection. To all the times when we'd shop. To all the times when he wouldn't praise me but make every effort to let me know about it.

As the brush fell down my hand hopelessly, my hopes fell down as well. With a heavy heart, I joined my mother downstairs. The woman smiled my way and cupped the side of my face.

" You look fresh after so many days. It's good to see you like this." I wished to smile at her but the mere act was so difficult that I only managed to nod.

My father sat on the sofa, scrolling through his phone as mama informed that we were going to the doctor. He looked at me sharply and I visibly shrinked.

" What is wrong with her health that you have to take her to the doctor after every day."

The words broke my heart more. He was my father, he should be the one taking me to the doctor. Concerning about my mental health after making me go through hell. Yet he sat here staring at me as if I had some deathly disease.

Mama chose not to answer and we left for the hospital.

The routine was same. Yet this time we didn't have to wait long as the nurse called my name. And my stomach churned as the door was pushed open. Doctor Bilquees smiling face welcomed us and greetings were exchanged.

" How is Afaaf doing?" She asked just as we sat down.

" I am good!" Was I really.

" Uhm hm. Did you take your medications properly"

I nodded.

" Had a three meal diet?"

I nodded.

" Any nauseous or dizziness?"

I thought for a minute before shaking my head.

" That's good. And now for your reports-" She opened the file before her and glanced at my mother.

" There was an electrolyte imbalance going on with many other changes as well. "

The doctor paused and the sweat tickled down the length of my spine making me interlace my fingers tightly.

" Did you take the test, Afaaf?" She asked softly and with much hesitation I shook my head making the woman pass me a soft smile.

" We found HCG in your blood. That's a hormone found in blood only if you're pregnant." Her words they were so soft and low that I wish my mother hadn't heard them. I sustained my reaction but the woman besides me gasped loudly in utter shock.

" Pregnant?" She confirmed making Doctor Bilquees nod.

" Congratulations Afaaf, you are going to be a mother."

The emotions clogged in my throat and I felt the world revolving around me. My vision blurred and the tears brimmed my eyes. I wanted to cup my mouth and stop and bubbling sob but all energy was draining out of my body, starting to make me numb.

A warm hand reached towards my hand and tightened around it. And the mere contact made me flinch.

" Afaaf, it's okay. It's okay now. Calm down." a soft voice spoke and I felt the life sucking out of me making me thrash my hands. My breathing labouring down.

No.

No.

A cup was pushed to my lips and I took a large gulp of the water running from my tongue down to my throat. My name was being called again and again as hands rubbed my shoulders and my palms. I closed my eyes and heaved in deep breaths.

Upon opening my eyes again, my head and vision cleared as I glanced at Doctor Bilquees holding the cup to me and my mother holding my hands tightly. Her face morphed into worry and a thick frown on her face.

The look on her face was making me scared and I averted my eyes to the doctor.

-

Anticipation had me killed as I sat outside the ultrasound room waiting for my turn. Mama was quiet besides me. Probably deep in her thoughts about what her daughter had down.

A nurse came out in uniform and nodded towards me making me stand and walk to her. The room was large and divided into small cubicles. The tall woman lead me into a cubicle on the right and before going in I saw a beautiful woman walk out from my left, her features stretching into smiles as she placed a hand on her growing belly.

A vibe so strong of love and warmth wafting past her that it had me placing a hand on my lower abdomen. And the feeling had me choking as I silently went inside.

Laying on the bed, I stared at the ceiling and felt the uniformed woman lift my shirt past my lower ribs. A cool substance contacted with my skin and I braced myself for what was to come. I sighed out loudly as a beeping sound came from the machine and a second later, I felt the probe being moved over my belly.

" And here-" the woman spoke getting my attention and I turned to her before glancing at the screen. Seeing an image so raw and natural that I stared amazed. The woman tapped on the screen.

" Here's your baby!" She smiled at me. As I gaped at the screen.

Seeing a small dot like thing.

" You want me to film it out for you?" She asked making me give her an eager nod.

Minutes later, I was lead to another room for my appointment with the gynecologist. Just before entering the room I read the doctor's name Nihad. The woman who was the most famous gynecologist in Pakistan.

Mama was besides me as we walked in. And I wasn't surprised to see doctor Bilquees there as well. Doctor Nihad was tall, aged somewhat between her mid forties and rounded features. She offered me a smile when I sat down.

" Doctor Bilquees told me about you, Afaaf." She said politely and I offered a small smile to her.

" Mrs Istifa and Afaaf, I do not tend to worry you but it's my job to make things clear and easier for you."

I nodded sucking in a large breath.

" I was reading through your history and I found that you have an electrolyte imbalance going on as well as your stress is side by side. Moreover Doctor Bilquees told me about your mental health and the panic you endured about hearing the news of your expectancy." She nodded and pressed her lips together.

" What amazed me more that you didn't recognize that you were pregnant. That such a big change had occured within you. But I understand that you wouldn't have been in the right state of mind."

" Yes" I managed to whisper out.

" This isn't the first case I am dealing with, I have dealt many more similar to yours Afaaf, but something is just pulling me to you." She offered a short laugh and I tensed furrowing my brows.

" I see mother's to be everyday and I see this joy, happiness on their faces that tells that they are ready to embrace whatever comes their face yet when I am looking at you all I see is tension and anxiety. If you are tensed it's fine, it's probably because everything is happening so fast but let me be more clear. Maybe the time you take to heal yourself back, it might be too late for the life you will be bringing in this world."

My tongue tied as confusion filled me as I stared at the woman.

" What do you mean doctor?" Mama asked leaning forward on her seat.

" What I mean is, the stress and trauma she is going through is very dangerous for the baby at this stage. It's the developing stage and any turmoil might cause problems to the baby. During pregnancy and after birth as well."

The room had suddenly started to turn cold like the blood in my veins.

Zaryaab!

What would he think about the news. What would he say-

He should have no say in this, he was already losing all rights on me then there should be no on the baby.

" I hate saying this to you, but your condition might end up in miscarriage. And to avoid that we can terminate-"

" You'd take it away from me?"

I asked.

My words bounced against the walls till they hit against my heart. Doctor Nihad's featured softened and she turned to me in her chair. Reaching for my hand.

" Afaaf, I'll have to do what is better for you. Assure me once that you want the baby?"

The question loomed on my head and I stood up, pushing back my chair.

" I want some time." I said gulping and hurried out if the room.

My emotions crossed boundaries and I ended up on the plastic chair outside her room, becoming a crying mess. I had no answer to her question. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't feel the joy of motherhood. Of the life growing inside of me.

What was wrong with me.

Why was Zaryaab not here. Why weren't we sharing this news together. Why wasn't he here to support me.

My hands curled around my belly as I hugged myself. I felt so clueless in the moment. I was hardly able to support myself, how would I support the life inside of me.

Allah will help me through.

A voice said inside of me and I rubbed away the tears. Mama's arm curled around me as she sat beside me.

" I don't know what to do?" I whispered to her.

" Afaaf, I know your a strong young woman. Don't take decision in haste. Not everyone is blessed with a child, you are lucky. And beta- no matter what decision you take, I'll always stand besides you to support you. Ask your heart, will you abandon the life that'll grow inside you?"

Her warm eyes did magic and I gulped harshly.

How would I do it to something so natural and raw. To a blessing. To something that I created with the one I loved. It would be Zaryaab's memory.

One look at mama and I knew I had my answer. She helped me up and we walked back into the room.

" I am happy to see you're back." Doctor Nihad said.

" Now that I have your answer-"

I gave her a confused look and she shared a small laugh with the two other women.

" We can read it on your face, young mother!" Her compliment warmed my heart and unknowingly my hand had wound around my belly.

" I am very glad that you took the right decision. But now here comes the hard work for all of us. My assistant would design a weekly plan for you. And along with that I want your mental health to recover as well. You now know what this baby means to you. And you will do anything for it?"

I nodded my head determined.

" Mend your heart firstly then. Try to stay stress free. I know you are strong, I can feel that potential in you. More than us, you, yourself are able to recover your mental health. The more stress free and tense you stay the easy your baby will feel. The more healthy it'll be. Okay!"

" Yes!" I managed to say.

" You are almost four weeks pregnant, and soon you'll feel the gush of changes inside of you. Love yourself then and embrace what you feel. And make peace with whatever disturbs you."

The news of being four weeks pregnant made the hair at the back of hair rise.

She scribbled some early stage medicines and prescribed a thousand more advices to me. And half an hour later, we walked out with the appointment plan.

The weight of everything dropped on me when we sat in the rickshaw to go back home and I thought about Abba's reaction and then officer Saim. But I let the fear subside over the joy.

For my baby, I'd do anything!

-

Shaya opened the door and the look on her face made me raise my eyebrows.

" Bring a glass of water for your sister!" Amma said as we walked in. Shaya remained on my side, holding my hand as my mother was already holding my other hand.

" What is it?" I asked confused at her behavior.

The air around as smelled different and I froze when turning towards the small lounge. And suddenly, the floor beneath my feet slipped. Sucking the breaths out of me.

The man slowly stood up. His eyes holding my gaze and I tensed. I forgot to blink as I stared at him before me. The black coat suit he wore, fitted against his figure. His hair styled back not even a rouge strand falling over his forehead. His eyes were large and wide as he stared at me. With a look of surprise and an emotion I couldn't decipher. The warmth in them spreading throughout the cold house.

My heart leapt in my chest as my trembling hands interlaced together. His beard had grown and he looked same as always. And I missed him more than anything. And upon seeing him, I just realized.

His eyes flickered to mine.

" Zaryaab!" I whispered softly.

The forest green orbs zeroing on me. But the colour in them churned. Turning to amber brown as the man smiled softly at me. And I gasped.

" Afaaf." Jahan pronounced and I took a step forward. The fog dispersing from my mind as I stared at Jahan now.

He wasn't here.

It was Jahan.

" How are you?" The man asked.

I managed to give him a nod as my skin cold and bike rose to the back of my throat as he bend to pick up the file from the table. His expressions changed into sourness as he nodded towards my father before placing the file and an envelope back on the table.

Looking over to me, he tensed. His amber eyes were telling me tales yet he couldn't vocalize anything and as my father placed a hand on his back, he was left with no choice but to leave.

I stiffened on my place as a lump formed in my throat. My chest heaving up and down in panic.

Jahan stopped for a moment before me, his expressions mirroring mine of pain and helplessness. And then he walked past me and was gone.

Shaya's hand loosened on me and I ran to the table. Taking the file, I opened it seeing the papers that lay inside. They were papers from the Council, the talaaq nama.

Tears rushed down my eyes. I had no courage to read them just knowing that they were divorce papers had my mind spiraling. The papers were snatched from my hands as I stared in space.

" Ya Allah!" Mama cried out.

My father walked back in, taking his previous place before me on the sofa. His eyes accessing me. My world stopping all at once.

My legs gave out from under me and I fell on the ground. Hands reached towards me , holding me, grasping me. Patting my cheeks and moving my shoulders yet I stared at the papers before me. My hands cupped my mouth as I cried out loudly.

A painful howl ripping directly from my heart all the way through my body. My heart trembling in my ribcage as I hugged myself. The sobs wrecking through my body harshly.

And I cried.

Cried my heart out.

Cried my heart out till it bled.

Minutes later, my tiring body was leaning against Mama's chest as she cradled me tightly.

" Sigh these, we have to return it back." Abba spoke.

My eyes flew open as I sat up.

" Abba-"

The man looked at me blankly. And my heart shook.

" I am expecting!" I whispered out, pleading for mercy.

His brown eyes snapped my way and he frowned and stood up.

" What!" He growled.

I shrank back. Taking the papers, I waved them before his face.

" I am expecting and you want me to sign them. Have some mercy over me!"

I cried out. Sniffing.

" I beg of your mercy, Abba. Don't punish me so brutally!"