https://youtu.be/p-abNGP1BK4

Chapter 22 – Daph's POV
I Will

My evening is a bust. Lexi is out studying with Blake and Alex is ignoring my calls. I have a theory about that second part, but I keep it to myself. I'm in no position to say anything about Alex's potential clandestine meetings.

Either way, I'm all alone on this fine evening.

It's on days like this that I'm kind of sad to not have any siblings. I mean, decent siblings. Kevin doesn't count. Manure has more value in society than Kevin.

Either way, it would be fun to have someone at home I can talk with, or complain to, or listen to their silly stories. I'm sad that I don't have that kind of companionship. If I want someone like this, I need to go hunt for them, they're not always right beside me at home.

I envy Lexi for this. Her and Tyler get along so well. And there was Annabelle before too. They used to be closer. Back when we were younger, the three Graysons were a close-knit trio.

I wish I had that kind of bond with other people.

Instead, now I'm sitting in my car trying to figure out who I can go annoy without actually alienating them.

Part of me thinks that maybe I should go to the music store and see if Jeff is there and if he can entertain me.

But then poor Jeff, he'd be like a barmaid that has to entertain weird old men just because they're stuck behind the bar and it's their job, and not because they actually want to make conversation with the creep.

So, I'm not going to force Jeff to spend time with me.

I still start my car and drive away.

I wish it would be the weekend and I could go annoy Flea Market Guy and potentially make out with him. We didn't make out last time. I'm a deprived deviant right now. It's not a good combo.

Maybe I should have his phone number. But then, if I did, that would be dangerous. And it would be like losing really. It would be like admitting I want him in my life and I can't do that.

I'm not going to lose to a Beatles hater.

So I drive around.

And I end up at Fred's fast-food joint.

I'm so predictable, it's sad.

There are a few customers waiting in line when I walk in, and Fred is all alone, managing everything.

This is not the first time that something like this has happened when I'm here, so I know what to do.

I know the code to get into the back store, so I do it and grab a shirt and cap from one of the hooks at the back and go to his cash register.

Fred looks at me relief in his face, and I just smile at him, whooshing him away.

I'm glad that I'm at least useful.

I didn't come here for nothing, or just to annoy Fred. I'm actually helpful.

When everyone is served and we're alone, I lean against the counter, taking the cap off and ask, "Is anyone looking after Jean?"

"For once my mom was there and she wasn't out of it, so Jean is home," Fred replies.

I tilt my head a bit looking at him, trying to read him. "How's your mom?"

Fred shrugs, like he doesn't want to talk about it. His mom is always a sensitive subject. "As good as my mom can be."

"You're too good, you know that right?" I tell him. I'm sure his other friends tell him too, but I do feel like it's important to remind him as much as possible.

Fred's been handed too much shit in his life to not be reminded that he's an amazing human being on the daily.

"You've told me a couple of times," he replies with a chuckle.

"Good, you need to know," I nod.

"What's up?" Fred asks, his eyes narrowing like it's his turn to study me.

"Nothing," I just reply with a shrug.

"Something is up."

Of course, something is up. Something is always up with me. I wish I could stop living in my head like this all the time. I wish I could be as carefree as everyone assumes I am. I wish I could like myself.

Because the truth is I kinda hate myself. And if even I can't love myself, I don't see how anyone could love me too.

But that's not the kind of conversation I want to have in the middle of a fast-food joint with my sorta-ex.

I do wonder what he saw in me... if he ever saw anything in me before.

"What went wrong between us?" I ask softly, "I mean, I know I'm the one that kinda ended things... but yeah. Where did we go wrong, you and me? Did I royally fuck up?"

Fred chuckles softly, looking at me with kinder eyes than I deserve. "You didn't royally fuck up."

"I kinda feel like I did though sometimes. Like, I let the one get away."

"I'm not the one," Fred replies automatically, shaking his head.

I'm not sure if I should be a little bit hurt with how quickly he replied and how convinced he is with his answer.

"How can you be so sure?"

"You remember when we were younger and you used to do mudpies?" he asks.

Well, that's kinda random. "Yeah," I reply, not sure where he's going with this.

"And you would run around the school yard after me trying to convince me to eat one."

"Yeah."

"I never ate your mudpies."

"Smart choice," I nod.

"But that's just it. I never even considered maybe eating your mudpie. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone that would eat your mudpie, or at the very least consider it," he tells me like any of that makes sense.

It does. That's the truly scary thing about all of this. That nonsense makes sense.

"You sound so naughty," I tell him with a smirk.

"I know, but I make sense, don't I?"

"You do."

He takes a step closer to me, with a soft smile. "You deserve someone that's going to go with you on your crazy adventures, someone that will challenge you. You'll need someone that will dance in the rain with you."

If I'm being completely entirely honest, I kinda wish he was the one. Maybe he's wrong. Maybe what I need is not someone as crazy as I am.

Maybe what I need is someone who will not eat my mudpies.

But the truth is, he's right.

"I love you, you know that?" I tell him.

I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I never really was. I wish I could be. But wishing for something does not make it true.

He smiles back at me, running a hand on my hair. "I love you too. But we weren't mean to be together. I needed you back then. Miriam had completely shattered my heart and you helped me put it back together. And you've been there for me and for Jean in ways not many people have."

I snort. "You make me sound like a good person, which is wild because I know I'm a shit person."

"You're not a shit person."

"I am. I feel like I become so... detached sometimes. Like I honestly kinda feel like a psychopath sometimes. It's like everyone around me could just disappear and I'd be...fine," I admit.

It's kinda wild to say that shit out loud, but it's true.

Sometimes I kinda just want to disappear and start again somewhere else, somewhere where no one knows me, and no one as any expectations of me, or any misconceptions. I feel like I could do it. Cut all the people in my life without looking back. And that's truly unsettling.

"You ever wonder why you feel like that?" he asks me, with a pensive look.

I shrug. "Because I'm a psychopath?"

"No, because you don't actually let anyone in. You don't let yourself rely on anyone and truly love people. You're always scared of losing people around you so you put these walls around your heart, even when it's your closest friends."

He's right. He's totally right. I joke around a lot with my friends and say stupid things, but I never... really open up. It's like I can't. It's like there's something inside of me that stops me from doing it.

I hate that he's completely right, but he is.

Fred really knows me too well. That's a little scary.

"Lexi and Alex and Vanessa really deserve a medal for putting up with me," I reply.

And Fred deserves a statue for figuring out my crap and still sticking around.

"No, you know what they deserve? They deserve for you to be honest with them, to open up to them and to be present."

"I don't know... it's like... you figured it out. You saw through me. But they haven't. and I know I shouldn't expect them to know everything, but I'd wish they'd been able to see through me too," I find myself admitting.

"They can't read minds. You can't expect them to know what you're thinking if you don't tell them. It's kinda selfish of you to ask that of them actually."

Once again, he's right. He's totally right. That's why my friends deserve so much praise for putting up with me.

"Why did you then?" I ask him.

"Because I'm truly incomparable," he replies before chuckling.

I smile at him. "That you are."

The girl that will end up with him is gonna be pretty damn lucky.

Because one day he's going to find someone. And one day maybe I'm gonna have my shit together.

At least I hope so.

It's definitely not going to be today though.

I take a deep breath, and after leaving the uniform I picked up where I took it, I slide over the counter.

"Where are you going?" Fred asks.

"Home. You've psychoanalysed me enough for the day," I tell him, making him laugh, and head for the exit.

I stop in my tracks before I reach the door and turn around. "Fred..."

"What?"

"I really wish you would have eaten my mudpies."

He grins back at me. "I don't."

______________________

Hi. 8D

Ooops. So. It's been a while, right? 0_0

I apologize. I do have to say that I don't seem to have any grasp of the concept of time. To me, in my head, it's been like just weeks since my last upload. Not... a literal year. I have all these stories in my head, and I think about them all the time, so it doesn't feel like it's been that long. But yeah. I messed up.

I'm trying to have more of a writing schedule now, so something like this doesn't happen again. So hopefully, you can forgive me. 

And I do hope you enjoyed this chapter. I love to have more of Fred all the time like this. 

Anyway! I'm going back to writing now. I do want to upload this story at the VERY least once a month (but I hope I can do every two weeks) so hopefully we'll see each othe again soon!

Sorry again! Thanks for being patient with me. :')