Dylan's pov

The only light in my room came from the dim lettering of my alarm clock, which shown with 2:00 AM in vivid red. Outside, I could hear the patter of rain drumming on the window, though I had pulled the curtains closed long ago, in an attempt to block out the world. I lay quite still, staring unblinkingly at my blank ceiling above, my mind as clouded as the sky outside.

The blankets draped across my chest rose as I took a deep breath. For a long while I lay there, wishing sleep would take me. The numbers on my clock continued to change, and still, I was wide awake.

My body was exhausted, from the muscles in my shoulders to the tips of my toes, and yet, I remained tense. I felt as if I was suspended in midair, poised to fall. My heart thudded swift but hard in my chest, and I felt as though I was waiting for the cables around me to loosen, for the wind to catch me off guard, for someone to give me one strong push, so that I was finally falling, falling, falling...

But the hours kept passing, and eventually I realized the cold, hard truth; I had already fell.

And Thomas, as oblivious as he usually is, had unwittingly caught me.

I rolled over onto my side, letting out a deep breath of air as I did so. It was just three hours ago that Tyler had hung up the video chat, with his stupid smirk still pushing at the corners of his mouth. Stupid Tyler. Stupid Tyler with his stupid ideas about people who were supposed to be my stupid friends.

Why did he have to plant the idea in my head anyway? Why did it root, weed its way around thoughts that weren't there before, and bloom into something impossible to ignore? I stared hard at the blank wall inches from my face, my glare so accusing it was as if I were blaming it for my newfound feelings.

As the rain began to finally let up outside, I decided there was only one way to avoid my feelings. From now on, Thomas was no longer welcome in my head, because clearly, I didn't have enough control over myself to put up friendly boundaries. I didn't even want to think his name. Instead, I'll call him...Cabbage.

Determined, I flopped over onto my stomach, burying my face in my pillows. Groaning out loud, I wished I could just forget about Tyler, about work, about Cabbage altogether. My hand rose to rub at my closed eyes, forcing away unwanted thoughts.

If my thoughts were a building, a beautifully constructed building with clear corners and dividing barriers, a building that made sense, then Thom--no, I'm not saying his name--then Cabbage was a mad axeman, taking a chainsaw and reducing my structure to pieces. I thought I had everything perfectly in order, everything where I wanted it to be, and then Cabbage had to show up and reduce everything that I had thought I known to ruins. I was just beginning to trust him, to trust myself! And now, here I was, laying in a deserted, silent room, the ruins of a perfectly good friendship laying fried at my feet.

I rolled over onto my back, rubbing my temples as if to persuade the unwanted thoughts to leave my vulnerable mind. Maybe I was overreacting. Or maybe I wasn't. Ugh, this was all so ridiculous. I should have known better than to let myself fall. I should have clung to the ropes, I should have prepared myself before I neared the edge--but I didn't. I had jumped; I had fallen for Cabbage.

I sincerely hoped I didn't ruin our friendship in real life, not just the friendship I cherished in my head. I didn't exactly have the best track-record when it came to guys, and well, Thomas was just different. My friendship with him was so unlike anything I had had before, even with Tyler. With Thomas, everything felt precious, pure, as if I was holding a delicate flower in my hand, and with one wrong move, it would fall to pieces. I didn't want to let go of the flower, because it was so goddamn satisfying to have. Everything about our friendship was comfortable, it felt right.

I can't like Cabbage.

Yes you can.

I don't like Cabbage.

Shut the fuck up, you dirty toerag, yes you do.

No, I can't. He's a friend. He has to stay a friend.

He doesn't have to do anything. Go ahead, kiss him.

No! I mean, I would, but--I mean, I wouldn't. He's Cabbage. I grumbled angrily under my breath as I thought. So maybe I like him, so what? It happens. It will probably fade away in a week anyway. He's Cabbage, just Cabbage. A crush is not the same thing as like...love or something. Yeah, crushes fade. I can't like him forever, right?

I should be more concerned about other things anyway, like the fact that I was literally just arguing with myself. I swear I'm going crazy. I tilted my head back, my eyes scanning another blank white wall. This hotel really needed to put up some decorations.

I let my eyes flutter shut, almost with a bitter resentment. Resentment at who?-- I couldn't say. Maybe I was angry at Tyler for hatching my feelings, maybe I was mad at Thomas for simply being born, maybe I was mad at myself for potentially fucking everything up. Or maybe I just resented the hotel for not decorating their walls.

Finally, nearly five hours after I realized I liked Cabbage, my body relaxed, as if it finally accepted what my heart already knew. And with that, though it was impossible to see in the dark shadows of the room, a small smile crept up on my lips as I drifted off to sleep.

__________________________________________________________________________________

I couldn't help but cast a furtive glance around as I stepped into Will's room the following evening. My eyes scanned the growing crowd for a second, brief recognition settling on my features. However, when I didn't see the particular face I was looking for, I relaxed, letting out a breath of mingled disappointment and relief.

I heard a chorus of shouts erupt from around the TV set, where I knew a Mario Kart tournament had likely already begun. It wasn't the first time a majority of the cast had converged on Will Poulter's room, demanded he feed us, then steal his wii and television to race each other. In fact, it was now becoming a routine habit. Whoops. I observed them from the doorway for a second, before I turned away to quietly click the door shut.

Nobody seemed to notice I had entered, save for Kaya, who sat on the edge of the couch watching the tournament. She waved at me as we made eye contact, then gestured for me to come nearer. As I approached, she moved over so that I could sit next to her.

I fell into the vacant seat with a smile, which she promptly returned. However, when I failed to greet her and instead let my eyes fall to the ground, I saw from the corner of my eye that her smile melted away. I tried playing it off by awkwardly coughing into my hand, but her suddenly piercing gaze into the side of my skull did nothing to lessen the tense silence between us.

"What's wrong?" she finally asked, as though she accepted that staring at the side of my head wouldn't broadcast my thoughts. I glanced up, but the intensity of her hazel eyes made me look away again.

I shifted uncomfortably. "What do you mean?"

"You're being weird," Kaya replied without hesitation, ignoring the mingled cries of Justin Bieber's song What Do You Mean that Will and Ki Hong began to sing behind us.

Afraid that we were now being eavesdropped on, I pretended not to understand what she was talking about. As I spoke, Kaya's face flattened out, her expression unamused.

"Me? Weird?" I asked her. "I'm not acting weird. You're the one acting weird."

I shifted an inch away from her, but remained seated. I glued my eyes to the television screen, watching but not really seeing. Kaya spoke up again, her tone half sarcastic, half serious, "Dylan, are you high?"

"HAhum--" I burst out in an awkward, high-pitched laugh. My hands suddenly moved to play with a button on the bottom of my shirt, as though they couldn't bear to remain still. I felt the hair on the back of my neck raise simultaneously, and Kaya's disbelieving look gave me a similar feeling to being forced out onto a stage, the dazzling lights heating up my face.

I opened my mouth to reply, when the sound of Will's front door closing breached my ears. My head whipped around as fast as a torrential wind. All within the second it took me to turn around, my stomach dropped, my heart swooped, my face heated up--

For nothing. It was just Aml entering the room, and while I was delighted to see him, I couldn't help but be a tad disappointed. Then, after considering what would happen if it had been a certain other person who had entered, I felt a swoop of relief. How could I act normal around him anymore? How could I treat him the same, knowing that I had--to an extent--betrayed the limits of our friendship?

I turned to Kaya with wide, panicked eyes. She looked startled by my abrupt change in demeanor, and her lips silently moved to ask me what had happened.

"Nothing's wrong!" I exclaimed before she even had the chance to voice the question. "Absolutely nothing!"

I smiled then, so full of panic and fear and excitement and dread that my lips did little more than pitifully wince. Now Kaya looked concerned, her back straightening as she grabbed my arm to steady me.

"Dylan. Dylan!" She said. I briefly wondered how no one else seemed to notice the small scene we were creating. "Dylan, what happened? Who are you looking for?"

"No one!" I lied. I took a deep breath, forced my hands to fall still in my lap, encouraged my heartbeat to slow. He wasn't here. There was no need to panic.

"No one at all?"

I sighed. "No."

"Not even Thomas?"

At his name, my stomach flipped again. Kaya nodded over my shoulder, a small gesture hardly even noticeable. Compelled by a force I couldn't control, my head spun around again.

I must have missed the door close again. I saw the back of Will's head and the profile of Aml, both babbling excitedly to a figure I couldn't see. I knew though, I knew who it was. He never missed a cast party. He was always here, as constant as the sea.

I heard a laugh, and then Will moved aside to let the figure in.

And then I saw him. The boy who had kept me up nearly all night, who was intruding my every waking thought and every nightly dream. He greeted Will with a hug, smiling all the while, and I couldn't tear my eyes away, despite how embarrassing it would be if he caught me staring. My heart thudding much faster than previously, I watched him the way a child stares at the sun; with curiosity and amazement, and despite the feeling of blindness and darkness that crept up the longer I stared, the inability to look away.

With more willpower than I thought I had, I blinked, breaking my stupor. I tore my gaze away, reminding myself of where I was and who I was talking to. "Not even Thomas," I lied to Kaya, my voice trembling.

"You're lying."

"You can't prove that," I replied automatically. I was panicking again--if she knew why I was looking for him....

I closed my eyes, unable to bear looking her in the eye for a single moment more. I needed to act normal. I was an actor, for christ's sake! No one could know, absolutely nobody here could know I liked Thomas.

"I'm not looking for him Kaya--" I began to explain in a level voice.

"Then why are you so nervous that he's here?" she interrupted.

My eyes flew open. "I--we--um--I'm not nervous, you're nervous!"

Kaya cocked her head to the side. "Um, actually, I'm not." I looked away, the feeling of restless unease resurfacing again.

I started to get to my feet, but Kaya pulled me back down. Her eyes grew softer, wider, puppy-like....oh, no...the puppy-dog face...

"Please tell me why you're afraid to see him?" Kaya begged softly. She pushed her bottom lip out in a soft pout. My weakness, the puppy-dog face was always my weakness...

No, I was stronger than the puppy-dog face. Not much stronger, but stronger all the same.

"I'm not afraid to see him, you're afraid to see him!" I mumbled back weakly.

Kaya's expression fell as she rolled her eyes. I was being childish, I knew. But I also knew that if Kaya found out about my crush then I'd be the laughing-stock of the crew. I could see it now: the pointing, jeering faces, Kaya turning her face away from me in embarrassment...and there, at the front of the crowd encircling me, Thomas, his face red and humiliated...and then he'd walk off, too disgusted to look at me...

Or, I could refrain from telling Kaya, and instead live with peaceful 'what-ifs' for the rest of my life. The choice was obvious, really.

"If you're not afraid of him, then go say hello," Kaya said stubbornly, wrenching me from my thoughts. Now she looked genuinely upset that I refused to confide in her. I could feel the panic beginning to swallow me.

"I--no--I--I can't!" I argued immediately, as if she had suggested I jump in a lion's cage while it was hungry.

"Why not?"

"Because--because I--" I stuttered frantically, "Because I need to--um, to take a shit!"

"Poop?" Kaya muttered unbelieving. "Seriously?"

I nodded immediately. "Yes--I, uh-- a big massive shit, you know. It can't wait! Ate lots of fiber and--and junk food, and--um, lunch went right through me I guess--"

I jumped to my feet, face burning, but too desperate to escape Kaya's inquisitive glare to really care. I leapt away towards the kitchen as I hurried away, ignoring Kaya's call of, "There's no bathroom in the kitchen, Dylan!" All I cared about was escaping that couch, where conversation had been edging on unwarranted territories for much too long.

What was my problem? I needed to remain calm; Kaya was smart, and unless I cooled down, she would see right through me and my pitiful lies. As I scurried away, I felt her gaze digging into my back. I could be chill. Chill like an ice-cube. Yep, that's me, cool as a cucumber, Dylan O'Brien.

God, I'm fucked.

I ran towards a bowl of chips left on the stove, hoping to drown my embarrassment by stuffing my face. I picked it up, wallowing in the sweet smell of drowning my feelings in Doritos, before my trembling hands shook so bad that the bowl, and all of its contents, went clattering to the ground.

Groaning, I bent down to pick up the scattered crumbs. Just my luck, isn't it? I grumbled, scooping up the remains, all the while cursing myself. I needed to get a grip.

A pair of shoes attached to long, skinny legs appeared right in front of me as I cleaned up my mess. Someone was towering over my crouched form, observing me, but not helping me. I gripped the bowl harder without glancing up, my stomach clenching, and then I was standing, my eyes trailing up...up...up...

"Cabbage!" I blurted immediately when my eyes landed on his face. Blushing deeply, I took a few steps back, watching as Thomas sent me a confused smile.

"Um...sorry?" he asked, his head cocked to the side. With his brown eyes widening and his head in that position, I couldn't help but be reminded of a curious puppy dog. My observation did nothing to hide my embarrassment, however.

If I thought I was flustered while on the couch with Kaya, that was nothing compared to how my body reacted now. Just seeing him, being within touching distance of him, felt like a monumental feat. I felt like I might pass out as my eyes scanned his face, the face I would have considered only a dear friend just a few hours ago. Now, I felt like I was meeting him for the first time again, that something between us must have changed over the past few hours. His easy smile and relaxed features reassured me that he still believed our relationship to be the same, that he hadn't been up half the night worrying about it.

"I--uh--I didn't, um--" I stumbled, my blush only increasing. "I was just--I mean, your name is Thomas, not Cabbage, obviously--but uh, I guess you knew that already, huh?" I laughed awkwardly, the bark of my chuckle coming out far too loud to be natural.

When Thomas failed to reply, I continued to babble. I wasn't prepared to meet up with him yet! I needed to get my head on straight before I talked to him! My words were rushed and barely understandable, but they kept falling out of my mouth like hail falls from the sky: destructive and unending.

"Not that I don't like Cabbage!" I said quickly. "Actually--I, um--I quite like cabbage--I mean, the food not--uh, something else--"

Thomas bit his lip, all the while giving a tiny little giggle as he watched me make a fool of my myself. It would have been incredibly endearing, had I not felt so heatedly embarrassed. I felt as though I was back in middle school, stumbling my way through a presentation I hadn't prepared for, as my classmates all silently judged me. Except, this was worse; Thomas wouldn't be mean or make me feel bad, but he was Thomas. His judgement meant more to me than a couple of cruddy classmates, and as I became more and more aware of this, my babbling grew worse.

"Cabbage is actually quite...quite good for you," I said as I took a step back. Thomas took a step forward to follow me, his eyes suddenly dancing in mirth. "It's--there's lots of fiber--and um...it's uh...one of...one of the oldest vegetables in existence..."

"Oh, really?" Thomas said as I finally faltered. "I didn't realize you were so knowledgeable about cabbage."

He took a step towards me, and though I was about an inch and a half taller than him, I suddenly felt much, much smaller. He bit his lip again, closing the distance between us. Panicking, I stepped back again, my back hitting the kitchen counter.

Somewhere deep inside of me, my brain thought it'd be both "sexy" and "appealing" to keep blurting out cabbage facts, so I kept blubbering around for words as Thomas drew closer again.

"Yeah--" Thomas stepped closer, "Lots of varieties of cabbage, you know--" another step closer "and it's like--it's cousins with broccoli--" I gulped "and um...it's....uh....you know what? I want some punch. Do you want some punch? I want some punch."

Thomas looked bemused as I tried to stumble away from him, but he was now so close that in order to get away with any of my dignity, I'd have to squeeze between a limited space between him and a kitchen chair. I rushed forward unexpectedly, and my feet hadn't quite caught up to my thoughts yet, so needless to say, I stumbled once, twice--

And then my nose was on the floor, taking note of how dirty everyone's shoes are. My foot throbbed where it had caught on the kitchen chair, but I was too busy clampering to my feet with a burning red face (and yes, there were leftover Dorito crumbs now stuck to my face) to really pay attention. Thomas wasn't laughing, but he was smirking, which was a thousand times worse.

"Did you have a nice trip?" he smirked, and I stuttered out a few curse words before I finally managed to stumble away. Ignoring the laughter that had finally burst out of his mouth, I escaped the room with my dignity shredded, trampled, lit on fire, stabbed 27 times, and torn into a million irreparable pieces.

I was halfway to the door, intending to leave this party while I still could handle showing my face tomorrow, when Thomas called my name. My feet stopped moving before consulting my brain, and I froze, hand outstretched for the door. I heard his feet quickly approaching and felt the hand on my shoulder, and then he spun me around to face him.

"Are you leaving?" he asked, still laughing slightly.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak anymore. His grin fell just a bit, but he quickly covered it up by saying, "Ah, yes, I expected that you'd want to go change into something more seasonally-appropriate."

He gestured towards my long pants as my eyebrows crinkled in confusion. "What?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Well, you see, Dylan," Thomas began, the teasing lines etching along his smirk again, "it's summer; and well--you're dressed for fall."

He enunciated the word "fall" making it clear that he really couldn't care less about what I was wearing, he was just making fun of me again for my failure in the kitchen. Heat rose in my neck and cheeks again, and then I was whirling away, leaving Thomas to giggle to himself behind me.

I was feeling like a less-than-adequate human being as I burst out of Will's room, regretting even showing my face at that party at all. Normally I wouldn't have been bothered, or I would have come up with a cunning, witty reply to Thomas; instead, I felt choked around him. My thoughts were no longer my thoughts but a teenage girl around her first ever crush; my actions were no longer my own actions but a prepubescent boy talking to a pretty girl; my pride was no longer my pride but a trampled, messed-up heap lying on Will Poulter's floor.

I wished I could sink into the worn carpet beneath my feet as I rushed down the hallway, or perhaps it'd be better to turn into one of the fake plants that were scattered every few feet. I'd rather be just about anything or anyone else right now, as long as the fiery humiliation inside of me disappeared.

I had just reached the elevator when another hand gripped my shoulder, forcing me to turn around for the second time in two minutes. This time however, I didn't land face to face with Thomas, but with Kaya.

"Explain," she demanded immediately.

I shook my head, backing up further towards the elevator. If I could find the button, I could get away....

"You've been acting weird all day," she pushed, stepping closer. "You can't talk to Thomas, you're stuttering and fumbling whenever he's near--"

"Kaya, stop," I said quietly, looking over her shoulder.

"--you're tripping and blushing and awkward--"

"Kaya, please lower your voice..." I whimpered. My hand searched the wall for the elevator button.

"--you can hardly even look at him--"

"Kaya..." I pleaded.

"So what's your problem? Do you like him or something?"

I fell silent, and so did she. My eyes flickered from where they had rested on the wall behind her back to her accusing eyes. I didn't say anything, but kept my gaze level, the bitter truth seeping into the air between us.

We were quiet. The seconds ticked by. I wished she'd say something, anything. Maybe I should deny it, maybe--

"Oh," she finally breathed, a look of dawning realization sweeping across her face. "Oh."

I couldn't confirm nor deny her train of thought. This all felt like it was happening much too quickly, much too soon. I had just realized I liked him last night, and it wasn't even that much! But now Kaya knew, and my small crush would be blown way out of proportion. I slumped back into the door of the elevator, utterly defeated. My secret was out.

"You..." she trailed in surprise, "And...and him?"

I gulped, feeling helpless. I stumbled forward, still wanting to defend myself, or even lie and say she was wrong. Instead, I grabbed her by the shoulder, forcing her away from the middle of the hallway. Her back hit the wall and I stood right in front of her, silent for a brief moment, and then my shock burst into fear.

"Don't tell anybody, please Kaya, please. I'm begging you. If anyone knew--gosh, just please. And--"

Kaya still looked shocked, her eyes growing wider as if she was witnessing a miracle. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish, and finally she managed, "I--"

"--and please, please don't tell Thomas, I'll die if--"

But the next words I heard did not come from Kaya's mouth. They were deep and British and painstakingly familiar, and immediately my entire body seized up; my heart skipped a beat, my stomach fluttered in dread; I froze--in fear, exhilaration, concern, and I looked at Kaya with wide, betrayed eyes.

"Don't tell Thomas what?" asked Thomas from behind us.

//

A/N

me: I'll update once a week!
also me: *updates a month later*

sorry about that. I had a bad case of laziness oops

I can't think of a joke so let's all pretend like I said something really funny right here

hope you all are doing well xx

until next time,

//sam\\