WARNING: There will be swearing because reasons that are about to be found out.

As many of you know I lost my grandpa to cancer on January 31, 2017. If you didn't know already my grandpa was my everything. We had made plans for our future. We agreed that I'd get into BYU Utah for college so I could visit them and then afterward move into an apartment somewhere near them so I wouldn't have to move far. Then we'd go on all sorts of adventures. We planned on traveling to places neither of us had ever been before. And then they moved into an RV and things started going downhill. That's when we found out about his cancer.

Ever since he passed away I've been caring a lot less. My grades are plummeting, my memory is getting worse, and my emotions have been a lot harder to control. Not to mention it's a lot harder to be happy. A lot of you know that I'm an optimistic person and I like to look on the bright side of things. So I'll just smile and stay away from pessimistic people and I'll usually be fine.

Except I'm not fine. I feel like I'm killing myself from the inside out. My mom has been calling me things that are breaking what little self confidence I had and my dad is barely around. My brother has been becoming more angry and rude, my sister is just being a bitch, and my other brother has his own problems. And here on the top of the cake is me being forced to take care of it all.

It's always, go ask Becca, make Becca do it, Becca wash the dishes, Becca clean the floor, etc. I can't handle it. I wanna talk to someone. Tell someone that I'm breaking. My mom always used to tell me I could talk to her but now I always feel like she hates me. She laughs when I saw what's bothering me and tells me to get over it when she thinks it's something stupid. She yells at me for calling myself dumb when she calls me dumb all the time. I can't help but feel everything is all my fault anyway so why not make it ten times worse, am I right?

I feel awful because I used to be such a pure person. And now I'm spouting swear words left and right at school. I hate it but still do it because sit feels like the only way to let my emotions out. It doesn't help when everyone around you treats you like disgusting lowlife if you don't act the way they do. I feel like I'm breaking up friend groups that have been made over the years because I'm joining them and then they seem to fall apart while a few people stay with me. I feel awful. All the time. I just want to make people happy. That's all I've ever wanted to do. And my grandpa said I could do that. But now I can't seem to do anything. Not even smile a genuine smile.

I feel hideous. Everything feels too short, I hate seeing my arms and anything that doesn't cover my shins feels too high. My eyebrows are slowly making a unibrow and I have two teeth missing right next to each making a massive gap. It doesn't help that I have to brush my teeth 24/7 or else they turn a pale yellow. The thing is I can barely remember to brush them once a day. When I take a shower I just want to cover myself, worried someone might see what I see. My arms are too thin and my neck is practically from a giraffe. My feet are second pairs of hands and my face is blackhead central. I hate it.

I try to be happy hoping that one day I'll be able to actually feel happy again. I hate everything I ever loved. I've grown up. But my head hasn't. I know he's dead.

But I don't want to believe it.