ASHLEY'S POV :

     Fortunately , Scott was distracted by his phone , so he didn't hear what Kelli said . Tiana immediately hauls her out on the back deck , and I can see through the window that the conversation is getting sort of animated . Brian and I walk into the kitchen , and we can both hear Kelli say , "Well , I honestly think you've lost your everfucking mind , but it's not like I'm really in a position to give you shit about it . After all , I spent the last eight years married to someone who apparently thinks it's his sole responsibility to propagate the human race ."

     Brian taps on the window , and we walk outside . He throws an arm over her shoulder and says  ," What was Jack the Jerk's final tally , anyway ?" 

     "Counting Jayna and Trent , seven kids by five different women ." , she responds . "He's gonna be paying child support out the wazoo for years . Plus , his folks got so pissed at him , they changed their wills , and everything gets divided between all the kids when they die ."

     "I know this is none of my business , but even if the guy was so compelled to screw around , didn't anybody ever tell him about this nifty little invention called a condom ?" , I ask.

     "Yup . He doesn't believe in them . Not his responsibility ."

     Sounds like a real charmer .

     Scott yells for Brian , and then Tiana's phone starts ringing in the kitchen , so they go back inside , leaving Kelli and I out on the deck .

     "T tells me you all are playing nice so things don't get fucked up between Brian and Thor , in there , so I'll try to do the same ." , Kelli tells me . "But that doesn't mean I think you're any less of a prick ." 

     "I understand that , Kel , and I have apologized to Tiana for not handling things better . She's still not up for being BFF's with me , but we can actually converse ." , I say .

     "I don't blame you for the stuff you had no control over , Ashley . It wasn't your fault that we went to school with a rabid pack of bitches , or that your cousin doesn't have enough of a spine to say no when he's asked to do something stupid . What I DO blame you , and that fuckwad Landon , for , is the fact that my best friend has spent half of her life thinking that she's the one with the problem , instead of realizing that you're fucking morons ."

     She walks back inside , and a couple of minutes later , so do I . Tiana decides to drive her over to CC's , so they can drop off her bags , and then meet everybody for a group dinner .

     They leave , and just a few minutes later , Jinxx and Alice come back from shopping . Scott tells them about the additional person joining us for dinner , and when he finishes speaking , I say , "Hey , Scott , I heard Kelli mention somebody named Landon a little while ago .Who's that , anyway ?"

     Brian face - palms , and Scott makes a face like he smells something nasty , and says , "To steal a line from an old Stephen King book , Landon Childers is a one - nut , low - cock , dinkless wonder !"

     We're all sort of shocked , because Scott hardly ever gets that upset about anything . Jinxx raises an eyebrow and says , "Don't be shy , man . Tell us how you really feel ."

     "Landon is T's ex - boyfriend ." , Brian says . "I know things sorta crashed and burned , but I was never able to get all the details myself ."

     "At first we all liked him , he seemed like a decent guy , and we wanted to believe that , since he was the only guy she went out with more than once or twice . " , Scott explains . " They actually lived together for about six months , but then she went out of town for a story assignment . She was gone about a week , and when she got back , he'd packed up all his shit and skipped out , no note , no text , bupkis ! Nobody knew what the fuck was going on , until his best friend came and told her that he'd shacked up with his ex - wife ."

     " Sounds like a lovely guy ." , Alice says sarcastically .

     "He sounds like a halfwit , since he'd divorced the bitch because she was fucking around with anything that couldn't run away fast enough , and she was pregnant by some other dude when he went back to her ."

     This time it's mine and Jinxx's turn to face - palm .

     "You have to be joking !" , Jinxx says .

     "Nope , not even a little bit . It did wind up biting his ass , though . She stayed with him 'til she had the kid , and got him to put his name on the birth certificate . Then as soon as she could get back in circulation , she dumped him for some other guy , and sued him for child support !"

     "Served his ass right !" I interject .

     "But wait, there's more !" , Scott exclaims . "He had the cojones to come over after she left him and ask T to take him back ." 

     "I assume she said no , right ?" , Alice inquires . 

     "Oh , yeah , after she tossed him over the hood of his own car , and threatened to castrate him if he ever spoke to her again !"

     I'm glad to hear that she's capable of standing up for herself , but now I also understand what Kelli said to me . What would anyone think if the person they trust to be there for them disappears without a word every time they try to have a relationship ? Probably that there is something wrong with them .

     Just when I think I can't possibly feel worse , someone proves me wrong .

            _____________________________________________________

     We're currently sitting around a huge table at a Mexican restaurant that we found the last time we recorded here , having a pretty good time . Tiana and Brian informed Kelli that she was going to sit between them , so she couldn't get ahold of Rick , or me , either .

     CC has just ordered another margarita , and Andy says , "Dude , I sure hope Tiff is driving tonight !" 

     "You better believe I am !" , she replies .

     "I may have to give my keys to one of you sober people , myself ." , I tell them . "That does look pretty good ."

     CC asks Kelli and Tiana if they'd like one , and they both refuse . Brian says , "I coulda told you that , dude . I'm pretty sure that T hasn't ever been drunk in her life ."

     Strangely , when he says this , she and Kelli both sort of freeze , and look extremely uncomfortable . This causes everyone to look at them strangely , and she says , "That's not exactly true . I was , once , about seven years ago ." 

     "Did somebody spike your drink or something ?" , Shannon asks .

     "No , I did it on purpose , I wanted to be as out of it as possible ." , Tiana answers .

      "Oh, yeah, that whole day went completely sideways !", Kelli groans . " Life Lesson  # 5590 ; Never go to an event without being sure of what activities are planned ."

      "Did I ever apologize for smacking you with the phone ?" , Tiana asks her . 

     "Yeah , but I did deserve it . I never would've said what I did if I was sober ."

     "Yeah , but it was , unfortunately , not wrong ."

     "Wait a minute , you guys were fighting ? What the hell were you drinking ?" , Brian shouts .

     "Whipped cream flavored vodka . When I was conscious again , there was a little less than half of the second bottle left ." , Tiana responds . 

     "The two of you put away a bottle and a half of vodka ? Holy shit !" , Juliet says . 

     "No , not quite ." , Kelli says .  "She had the vodka , I was having a close personal relationship with a bottle of Hot Damn ! I was only slightly less fucked up than she was , just for different reasons ."

     The entire table is gaping at Tiana , who seems to be somewhat uneasy with the direction the conversation is going .

     "What the hell were you thinking ? You could kill yourself that way !" , Scott exclaims .

     "To be honest , I'm not real sure that would've bothered me too much at that moment , bro. I wanted to erase some things from my brain , but it only works when you're too shitfaced to see straight . Have you ever heard of a lightbulb moment ? Y'know , when all is made clear ? Well , sometimes you find out you liked it better with the light off ."

    "So , what was your reason for getting smashed , Kel ?" , Brian quizzes her .

     She looks him directly in the eye and says , "So I could have a short break from wondering if I was going to have to tell one of my other friends something that might cause them to require therapy , or if I was gonna be required to punch them in the face ." 

     He looks confused for a few seconds , but she keeps her eyes locked on his , and he suddenly turns pale , and puts his head on the table , mumbling , "Oh, fuck me with a chainsaw !"

     Everyone is looking at him, wondering what the hell that means , when Kelli catches my eye . She give me an even colder stare than she did at the house , and curls her lip in sort of a Billy Idol type sneer , like I'm some particularly revolting bug or something .

     At that moment , the entire conversation suddenly makes sense , even though I wish with everything I am that it didn't . 

     That's something I'd give anything for her not to have ever known about , but apparently they both have firsthand knowledge of my foray into "acting ."

Fuck me with a chainsaw might just about cover it .