I'm not dead

Spooky music plays as a totally straight Jeremy Heere is with candidate number 1 for the bachelor, its his Mac book pro.

Jeremy does what any teen does when met face to face with internet, searches up crazy fanfics about his favourite ships and stans his favourite musical actors. "I really like that Will Roland guy." Jeremy says.

Jeremy screams in horror as he gazes upon Papa no pants mans hideous face.

He ends up at school and the first thing he sees is this musicals  Heathers, this musicals Veronica shifts uncomfortably away from them and bumps into also totally straight Richard Goranski.

"Hey, is Michael a top or a bottom? Just asking."
"Well that sure was weird."

Jeremy goes to class and shuffles between his candidates, he mostly thinks about his computer and Christine, because they both start with the letter C. But quickly changes his mind and decides that M is best letter in the alphabet and goes off to find Michael.

Michael with a b shows up and is all totally very straight. Not a single gay cell is inside this man. Not at all.

Since Michael isn't gay enough for Jeremy he quickly goes back to liking Christine, I guess.

Michael tries to super glue Jeremy to Christine but ultimately misses and glues him to the play rehearsal sign instead. Everyone interprets this as Michael pushing Jeremy to the wall and rich squeals in excitement in front of everybody.

Michael kinda just leaves Jeremy there to rot until suddenly play rehearsal is starting. When Christine gets there she lists of the reasons why she should be a Disney Princess.

"That's great." Tallass and Hotass say at the same time. Christine super glues herself to jake and Jeremy vibrates off the wall in jealousy and angst.

Rich hunts him down in the boys bathroom. "Your candidates suck. You should go with your computer." Rich says, turning from bully to matchmaker. But before he can do anything else to pursue Jeremy's love life, his squip makes him vibrate until he ships Boyf riends again.

Oh yeah, SQUIPs are a thing. Some hate boyf riends, and some love it. Jeremy thinks it's a great idea to get a squip to intel him on his final choice on the bachelor for who he'll marry.

Michael thinks this is a terrible idea.

But in hopes Jeremy gets a squip that supports Boyf riends he lets Jeremy do it.

The two go to the mall and get a Squip, but when Jeremy takes it, it doesn't work. Wow, exciting!

Michael leaves for milk and Jeremy is reminded of his terrible life and goes to commit arson.

But before he can do that he tries to tell Christine about his feelings, knowing he'll pull a Yuri wether she says yes or no. But then the squip comes in all like, "Nah fam, this ain't even half of the first act yet."

He says, before bullying Jeremy. How fun!

Suddenly it's the heathers again, but their actual names are lipstick and book Jeremy.

When Jeremy questions this, the squip pulls out the be more chill book and explains that Jeremy pulled a do you wanna ride on Michael in his past life; sixteen years ago. He knows this because Riches squip won't shut up about it and boyf riends.

It's very clear the squip isn't a boyf riends fan, but Jeremy can't tell because he's losing to the girls in piggy in the middle.

Jeremy ultimately decides women suck and wants to go find Michael again.

But instead the squip makes him go home and he sleeps until the next day. He wakes up and the squip is gone!

"Aw shoot, guess this means I'll read angst to make myself cry and then comment about possibly waking up my dad with my wails."

But the squip comes in and ultimately stops Jeremy. "It's time to become a man." The squip says, as I'll make a man out of you plays in the background as Jeremy is sent off to school, looking fresh and hip and stuff.

Jeremy is magnated back to the wall of play rehearsal, "guess this is just my home now."

Christine confesses her feelings and screams her trademark "I want" song, but it's all about hotass.

Jeremy is upset. But jakes hot so it's okay if Christine likes him. Jeremy rage quits momentarily and is magnated back to Michael, who is also upset.

"Why'd you leave me back there, dude?"
"You left me first."
"You left me second!"

The two fight like an old married couple back and forth until the squip boots Michael out of bachelor, which means he doesn't exist anymore.

Now it's act two and book Jeremy detaches herself from the book and adds an r and e to her name. She's getting ready for Jakes parental neglect coping mechanism party extravaganza. Aka, the Halloween party.

At Jake's place, Jake and Jeremy sing One thing from One direction because that one rare deere fic did it so the musical can do it too.

Lipstick strikes them with copyright laws but offers Jeremy a way out of debt.

"All you gotta do is waltz into jakes parents' room with me." She explains.
"Seems easy enough."

But Chloe is a lying, terrible person and reveals that Jeremy has to beat her in Twister instead. Jeremy's allergic to games he knows he can't win and, through some hacks, teleports to the bathroom.

Michael gives him a spook for shits and giggles and Jeremy SCREAMS

Michael lets the cats out of the bag, SQUIPS are big no no's.

But Jeremy says researching is for losers, he only researches the small wikis for ships and therefore that doesn't make him a loser.

He rage quits and Michael has a panic attack on wether it's gay to cry in another mans bathroom.

Also, the house is on fire, and rich is hospitalised. Gee wiz man.

Jeremy worries about Michael for one solid second when he learns about the fire but then immediately calls the first person he sees a loser, in a fit of the squip telling him too.

Captain underpants doesn't feel spectacular about being called a loser and goes to Michael.

"Jeremy has daddy issues."
"I mean yeah," Michael explains, "his daddy basically gave up on him and he just broke up with his other daddy."
"What the heck Michael?"

Meanwhile, at the play, Christine isnt doing Yuris route and now has given up on doki doki literature club all together. Jeremy tries to sponser her to play it again but Christine won't stop insisting that Monika is bae.

But now no one can play doki doki literature club, the whole cast has been squipped!

Jeremy surprise pikachu memes until Michael shows up, the squip doesn't like this and tries to kill him with Jeremy.

Michael lets Jeremy kill him for a little bit before coming to a realisation, "wait, heck, if you kill me now, how are you gonna have my babies?"
"I can have your babies?!" Jeremy squeals, "nevermind then, forget this crap!"

"Too late..." a squipped Christine tries to say, before her and the rest of the squipped cast; that means you too, Jeremy, die and undie as Michael watches them drop like flies

Jeremy wakes up at the hospital, rich is there. "I'm actually bi now. And I also want michaels babies."
"but Michael said I could have his babies"
The bottom and power bottom argue back and forth until Michael shows up just to be unaware that Rich wants his booty

Then mr Heere is here, and with pants. This makes Jeremy so happy he cries.

"Hey stud, how'd you wind up here?"
"I'm having Michaels babies."
"No, he's having Christines babies." Says Michael.
Mr Heere wonders whose Jeremy's baby daddy is and rolls a dice to determine who wins the bachelor. He gets a two. This means it's time to go find Christine.

When Jeremy goes to school and finds Christine, she proposes to him. He said yes!

Everything is right in the world, there are no more squips and no one has Michaels babies. Atleast, not yet, because apparently in the sequel we fans will never deserve or get, Jeremy and Christine don't click and Jeremy has Michael babies. Oh boy.