Chapter ~16

Writing this
Drunk on water
and drunk on cold coffee
In the middle of a cold night
As the crickets sing to me.
Frustrated with,
my own being
Writing this story,
as a way to flee
To set me free.

~Dini Kal 12.41 am
On May 4 Tue 2021

That was the worst voice Anuthi had ever heard in her entire life. For the dreadful eighteen years, she struggled on Earth.

"OKAY, WHATEVER!"

The inner perfectionist cringed as she heard her own voice again and again as she clicked on the voice message she sent Yohan.

She closed her eyes and tried to calm the rapid beating of her heart. " He does not even know who you are properly! Why would you overthink this?" Anuthi's inner voice blamed her.

And then after some time, that very same second voice scolded her "Wow what a nice impression you have left on him! You dumb woman."

Why?

WHY!

"WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT YOU STUPID DIMWIT! "

Her inner self yelled at her out of embarrassment. Her voice was coarse and rough as she was crying right before sending it and her hoarse voice that said "Okay, Whatever" sounded more like a man's than that of a woman.

It was cringy. And Anuthi was scared. Her voice was not a honeyed one by nature but she knew she could do better than that. Less husky and masculine than that may be?.

It was in all honesty a toneless drab voice and was not so wobbly and throaty as Anuthi's over-thinking mind thought it to be. Yet one could see that the speaker was not okay while recording it, as her voice sounded really dull and lifeless.

Almost the same as someone that had lost hope in their life. Which if you considered would not be that wrong of a statement when it comes to Anuthi!

She sighed out of frustration as she pondered and wondered what to do.

There was no use in deleting the voice mail as Yohan had already seen it.

He however had not replied to it making Anuthi question why?

Probably he might be thinking that she was really rude and arrogant!
Or a basic bitch!

Anuthi shook her head as she stared at the ceiling, laying on her bed.

No!
You are not thinking about "this" girl.
You have an EXAM!

Of course, he wouldn't spend his whole day replying to random girls online.

Random. Stupid. Girls!
Ones that for sure wouldn't make it into a university!
And ones that would probably have to do Advance Level all the three times to pass that!

Anuthi wanted to scream at the voice in her mind but she knew there was no one to blame. As it was she herself that was criticising her. If Anuthi was the protagonist of her own life story, her inner voice or mind would be the antagonist.

And even though it sounded like something which was really positive and balancing, as she would not get overwhelmed by emotions, it was not.

Quite ironically it was the complete opposite. The voice only came out when she did not need it the most. It did not show her the silver line that was shining in the grey clouds. But hid the rainbow from the rainy days. Whenever she was feeling happy, it told her that something bad was going to happen.

It was dragging her down from optimistic feelings and drowning her in a drain of pessimistic beliefs.

And the worst part of it all was Anuthi being awake and aware of it. Knowing it and not being able to do anything about it.

Therefore she laid on her small stinky bed with her back stitched to the smelly bedsheet and mattress with her eyes set on the surface of the ceiling.

The maze of her thoughts broke as she heard a couple of shrills and a scratching sound from the ceiling. It was a rat. A rat that was probably being killed by a snake or a little monitor lizard that was living on the roof.

Anuthi wondered what it would feel like to be an animal. They just live, eat, breathe, breed and die.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

They just live in the moment and then just die. It sounded so much better than living half dead and half alive.

So much better than only being there and just existing. Because they seemed to live their lives and rejoice.

They did not have to learn ECON!
That evil, cruel, awful and nasty subject!

Collecting her self Anuthi calmed herself down. She massaged her temples that were oily and needed a proper cleansing. After few seconds she was ready.

Prepared to do what she had been dreading to do for the longest time.

To get out of the bed and take a shower.
To get her stagnating life on the move. Get a grip. And prove herself that she can do it if she wanted.

To change her bedsheets and pillow covers finally after many months.

To open the beige curtains of her room and give the sunlight and fresh wind a chance to revisit her room.
To take a shower and feel squeaky clean and start everything afresh.

But before doing any of that she had to do one thing.

That one thing she dreaded.
That one thing she had to do.
The thing she was dying to do as it was the best thing to do. Even though it would kill her to do so.

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