Malcolm's question, "Have you made any friends?" echoed in my mind. Obviously, I hadn't made any. The people at work were cold. As far as Alex's friends went, Rashaad and Riley were the two I'd gotten along with best at the party, but I didn't chat with them on a regular basis. I just followed their Instagrams.

Because Riley had offered me his number and we had some things in common, I decided to call him up to see if he wanted to hang out. I was nervous; I didn't want to offend him again. Though maybe he personally wasn't offended and that face he made was just secondhand embarrassment.

Either way, Alex looked pleased as I left the apartment on Friday. When I got to Tim Horton's, Riley was already there waiting.

"Hey!" He greeted me from a table. I wondered what shampoo he used to get his dark hair so shiny.

"Hey." I smiled and gestured towards the counter. "I'm gonna order something."

He nodded and I made my way to the cashier to order an iced coffee and a sandwich. When I got back to the table, Riley was texting on his phone. He quickly put it away as I placed my coat on the back of my chair and sat down.

"I'm glad you called me," he said. "I wanted to talk to you."

"You did?"

He flashed a wider smile. "Yeah. I mean... At the party, you seemed like you had a lot of things you wanted to say and talk about." He narrowed his eyes. "Also, I haven't met anyone else like me."

Did he mean only falling for one guy?

"A romantic." He did that goofy smile he'd done at the party. "Eran is the beginning and end of my universe. I heard you're the same way with Alex."

He heard what? "From who?"

His tongue paused on his front teeth and I knew the name he was about to say even before he stopped hesitating. "Lexi?"

"Hm..." Unsurprising.

"You don't agree?"

"I agree. Alex is my everything."

Riley leaned forward. "If he was sick, would you stay home with him?"

"Of course."

"If he was craving ice cream at midnight, would you get it for him?"

Was Riley's husband pregnant? Either way, my answer was, "...Yeah?"

"I don't know anyone else like that. See, we're alike?"

I nodded. "Are you and Eran similar?" I wanted to know how alike we truly were.

Riley hesitated. "We're pretty different? Eran is a no-nonsense person. Serious about his job. Assertive about his likes and dislikes. Really blunt. I'm definitely a more go-with-the-flow, playful type of person. I think that's what makes us work, though."

Alex and I had plenty in common. We'd been best friends, after all. No, we were still best friends. He just had these sides to him I didn't know. It seemed like Riley knew everything about his husband, though.

"Alex and I met in grade 2, but we weren't friends from grade 9 up until two years ago." I wondered if I should tell him that it had been my fault. No, it wasn't necessary. "I know he's changed a lot. He's doing so well and I feel like I'm falling behind..."

Riley was looking at me with his full attention. Why did I tell him those things? That wasn't what I wanted to talk about.

"Anyway, he has this world I don't really understand. And I feel like even though I love him and we're the same gender, I'll never understand it."

I glanced up from my fidgeting fingers to see Riley's expression of understanding and I had more confidence to continue.

"His gay friend from high school is staying with us. He leaves tomorrow but it's been really awkward. He crossdresses and... You know how Alex is. Malcolm is just like that but even more... So we haven't gotten to spend much time together and the other night he came home upset and they wouldn't tell me what it was about!" I got more emphatic. "They said I wouldn't understand because it was a gay community thing! I'm doing my best and I want to---I just feel like they won't even allow me in!"

I stopped. Riley was silent for a moment, making sure I was done, and then said, "Why? Why do you feel like you have to be a part of that world?"

I blinked. "Because Alex---" Suddenly, I recalled therapy in Ottawa. The therapist's question that had triggered the beginning of my realization: Why did Alex's unhappiness reflect on mine?

"Well, I can't tell you what to do. But for me and Eran, Eran doesn't really have a lot of friends or go out much. But when he does, even though I love him, I don't go with him. And I have my own friends and Eran doesn't mind. He has his own interests. I know it's a bit different when it comes to the LGBT community, but... it's so diverse. Just because we're somewhere on the spectrum doesn't mean we have to be in all of it. You know what I mean?"

I understood it, but it wasn't like I was trying to do that. It was just Alex's part I wanted to be in.

"Do you think... it's okay for Alex to have his own world? Like..." he winced, "you can love him without being a part of it? Or... no?"

No. We were a unit. We were... connected. We were one and the same. I wasn't sure if it was weird to feel that way, so I kept my mouth shut. Instead, I just nodded and decided to change the subject. "Thanks for hearing me out. So, like, what are you interested in?"

"Well, you know I like to cook."

"Yeah! You're like a pro."

Riley laughed. "Eran got me into anime too. Well, he only likes the dark stuff. I'll watch just about anything."

"I like anime too!" I said, leaning forward. "Action fantasy is my favourite."

"I love that!"

Riley could cook like a pro. I could barely take pictures. But apparently, Riley and his husband watched anime too. We talked about our favourites and dislikes for an hour. In the end, we promised to go to an anime convention the next year. But in talking to Riley about our hobbies, I realized I didn't really have much to mention. I did photography, listened to audiobooks at the gym, and watched TV. Still, I was glad I'd talked with Riley.

As soon as I got home, I told Malcolm, "I officially have a friend now." He burst into laughter. Alex, on the other hand, was serious in expressing his happiness.

"That's great, baby!" He pecked my lips.

"Yeah," I smiled back at him. "I know Riley isn't your closest friend but..."

He blinked, looking confused. "Riley's a good guy? I'm not sure what you mean by that."

I couldn't explain what I meant. For some reason, I didn't want to tell Alex how I felt.

The next day, we drove Malcolm to the bus station.

"Thanks for letting me stay," he hugged Alex. "Especially you, Liam. I know I'm a handful."

"You're one of Alex's best friends, how could I not put up with you?" I smirked and we exchanged a hug as well.

"Be safe," Alex said. We waved goodbye.

Even though I'd spent the past week planning on heading straight to bed with Alex once we were alone, by the time it actually happened, I felt different. I was too confused to be in the mood.

When I looked at my boyfriend, I saw an amazing person. Someone who knew exactly who they were and what they wanted to do in life. I saw a strong man full of love for his job, his friends, and life. I was a nobody. I didn't have a noble cause. I hadn't gotten any promotions, of course. It was clear I didn't deserve one. In fact, it seemed like they didn't even want me at work. Each day, my feelings only increased.

Karen never told me, "Good job." On good days, I went in and did my job and left without her saying anything. On bad days, she criticized every photograph I took. I browsed job sites for new postings, but the majority didn't pay more than I was making at the gift basket company. Even though I wanted to do bigger and better things, like Alex, making less money than I currently was would just put more weight on him. The one fashion photographer listing that did pay more, I applied to with no hopes because of my lack of experience. But it was for the magazine that Lexi worked at. Wouldn't that be something?

November came and along with it, a biting cold front. Alex's birthday was at the end of the month and I was fretting over what to do. I was sure he usually spent it with his friends, but would he want to do the same with me here?

In the midst of my worrying, an interview request came for the fashion photography job. It was a miracle. I wondered deep down if Lexi had somehow seen I'd applied and put in a word for me. It was extremely unlikely but the idea that I'd gotten in by connections or mistake wouldn't leave me.

As discreet with my plans as possible, I went to the interview.

Blare magazine had a fancy office building that only increased my nerves. Sick to my stomach, I sat in a waiting room until they called me in.

The interview was a mess. Stupidly, I told them I wasn't interested in fashion but needed the creativity I wasn't awarded at my current job. I also mentioned I liked editing and they told me they had separate people for that. I felt like an idiot. At the end when they opened the floor for questions from me, I asked, "Why me?" because my application and resume made it clear I had no experience in fashion photography. They told me my portfolio looked promising. And that was it.

I knew someone more skilled and experienced would get the job. My photography and I were worthless.