Entry # 276

Is this what being horribly torn feels like? To have your mind lean on one side while your heart is tugging you to the other? To weigh the consequences of both sides yet not reach a solid answer?

I remember when Baba would bring home Disney storybooks, covers decorated in ethereal dresses on ethereal princess living perfect lives in ethereal castles. He'd sneak them to me behind Mama's back, but Mama wasn't any less. Equally as subtle, Mama would hide those books away after I got through half of them. I now see why.

I haven't learnt to live with ease. In fact, I have never had anything easy. I've learnt to expect turbulence at every corner I turn, an anchor always weighing me down. Because life isn't as smooth-sailing as it is in the books.

And one does more harm than good when they live in fairytales more than they do in real life. Reality isn't easy to process, and I find it of substance to know what could possibly come my way and prepare my mind and heart for the damage it will sustain.

But I wonder what it feels like to dive in headfirst. To sail unchartered waters with no fear. To hope to find the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

After following my mind all my life, I wonder what it feels like to let my heart lead the way.