Kara

"Kara."

I opened my eyes. Cameron was standing in front of me.

In his black tuxedo, he looked viciously beautiful. I always thought his face belonged to an archangel. Under the moonlight, that had never been truer. But it had always been his eyes that gripped me.

So many times, I had seen his blue eyes darken with emotions—happiness, anger, passion, pleasure, fear, affection. And I thought I had also seen love. I had seen them go flat and blank when he hid himself from me.

And beneath all that, they were always hauntingly sad.

I want to know what memories were playing in his head to fill his eyes with sorrow.

I want to know why he stopped wanting to tell me.

I want to know why, even after all this time, I still couldn't erase all these feelings I have for him.

I shut my eyes closed and, in my head, I heard the words he'd said to me from a long time ago.

Will you come home with me?

But that was another time, another place. We were different now. Or so I kept telling myself and hoping that would somehow make what I felt for him disappear.

"What are you doing?" I choked out.

He stepped forward.

"Stop," I whispered brokenly. "Stop!"

He stilled, a look of intense pain crossing his features.

"Why did you come here?" I demanded.

"I heard about the fire." The look in his eyes was imploring me to let him come closer. He lifted his hand as if to touch my face, but the glare I shot at him stopped him. He lowered his arm to his side.

"Are you alright," he asked gently, "Kara?"

When a painful sound came out of my throat, I covered my mouth with the back of my hand, pressing so hard that it hurt. The wall I had built around me was easily crumbling from his words. Maybe it was the way he'd asked them. Desperately.

My eyes stung with unshed tears, and his presence was making it impossible to hold them back. There was a hurricane of emotions swirling in my chest—it felt tight, like it was about to explode.

"Tell me," he pleaded. "Are you hurt?"

I couldn't deny the anguish in his voice. I shook my head no.

I hated the hitch in my heart when I saw the unmistakable fear and madness in his eyes, that he thought something bad had happened to me. Because it told me that he cared. I hated it.

I was scared of the relief that wrapped around my heavy heart at the sight of him, as though he was my bedrock and I could let my pain go because he was my safety and protection.

But he wasn't, was he?

He couldn't be. He left me. And yet why? Where were these feelings coming from? I couldn't understand any of it. I wanted him to leave and yet I was terrified that he would.

"And your dad? Dylan?"

Hearing the sincere concern and fear in his voice broke down the rest of my walls. I thought that I could turn him away, I thought I could hold out against him—until he asked about my family.

"What are you doing?" I repeated. Tears fell on my cheeks. I couldn't hold them back any longer. "How am I supposed to stay strong when you show up like this? Why did you have to come here and destroy me? How am I supposed to... to stop..."

Loving you?

He knelt in front of me, his arms gathering me against him as sobs shook my body.

"Kara."

"Don't touch me." I pounded on his chest with my fists, tears pouring down my cheeks.

He just held me, taking all of it quietly.

"Stay away from me." But my arms wrapped around his back, pulling him toward me as I cried on his shoulder. "I hate you," I said as I buried my face in his neck. "I hate you, Cameron."

"I know, baby. I know it."

I pulled away. "Why are you here? You left me..."

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Kara. I'm so sorry, baby." His hands trembled as he touched my face, wiping my tears. I saw him close his eyes before he pulled me in his arms, his grip around me tightening. "You must know. How can you not know? It killed me to leave you."

Whenever my world was falling apart, why did he always show up? Whenever I had no one, he was always there. How was I supposed to move on from this?

"Please," he pleaded, his lips on my hair. "Let me take care of you."

I felt undone. I collapsed against him.

"Just while it's dark out," I whispered.

"Just while it's dark out," he whispered back. "Anything you want."

He picked up the keys that I dropped on the steps, and without warning, he lifted me up. My arms automatically held onto his shoulders, my legs around his waist.

It killed me to leave you.

Then why did he? I had so many questions, but they didn't seem to matter right now. Maybe it was the events of the day or maybe it was his words, but I felt my anger and pain have faded away. For now, the reason didn't seem important.

Burying my face against his neck, I let his scent intoxicate me. His skin was hot, his body strong and steadfast. As always, the way he held me against him made me feel that he would never let me fall or get hurt. My heart quieted.

In the dark he walked us inside my home. He knew every inch of this place. He opened the door to my bedroom but he didn't turn on the lamp.

Gently he laid me on the bed. The moment my head touched the pillow, we both froze. Cameron was leaning over me, his face inches from mine. He was still holding me, and my arms were still on his shoulders.

Silence slid between us. The air was thick with tension. I held my breath. He was too close, too close for my sanity. There was not enough light in the room for me to see his face clearly, and I was grateful that he couldn't see mine. I knew it would betray what I was feeling for him—the longing, the need, the fear that he would leave and break me again.

Slowly I released him and turned my head away. He sucked in a breath and eventually pulled away.

The blanket felt like a shield from him as he covered me with it. I felt the air move as he crouched on the floor beside me.

I closed my eyes, swallowing the lump in my throat. It had been a while since he was this close to me. It had been a while since he was in this room.

Don't cry.

"Cameron?"

It took him a moment before he said softly, "Kara."

I let the quiet float between us, but he never said a word. He just waited for me patiently until I asked, "When will you let me go?"

I didn't hear his answer as my eyes closed and sleep blanketed me.

*

When I opened my eyes, my heart was pounding hard against my chest. The nightmare had tormented me. In it I was trapped and surrounded by flames. Someone was yelling my name, and my heart ached from the panic and fear I heard in it.

From the suffocating smoke, Cameron appeared. He'd been the one calling out to me. Instead of pulling me out of the fire, he walked toward me with the same hauntingly sad look in his eyes and embraced me.

He tried to tell me something, but I couldn't hear him. Suddenly I was out of the fire and on safe ground. The smoke started to build like a great angry cloud, and I cried out in horror because I knew Cameron was still trapped in it. He had taken my place, sacrificing himself so I'd be safe. But why? Why would he do that? We could've walked out together to safety.

Before I could scream his name, he and I were back in my kitchen. The air was thick and heavy with dread. I realized the nightmare had transported me back to that night when he broke up with me.

I hated it here. I always hated it here. I woke up.

My cheeks were wet, and I realized they were tears. Wiping them away, I turned to my side.

I hadn't had that dream in a long time. The first few months after he left, I would sometimes dream about the night we broke up. I was grateful that they stopped. Because every time I woke up, I'd feel a sense of loss so great I couldn't breathe for a few moments.

Slashes of light poured through the blinds on my window to the other side of the bed. The place where he used to lay beside me, where he used to reach out to me at night and hold me.

Listening to the silence in my room, I knew Cameron had already left. I wrapped my arms around myself and let the tears fall. I felt more alone and lonelier than ever.

A ping from my phone had me reaching out for it. Cameron must've put my phone on the bedside table before he left, along with a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin.

The text was from my dad. I willed myself to concentrate on his text. My dad must've known and expected what I would do tomorrow because he warned me not to do anything.

He said Vlad was doing okay. Vlad's wife took over and sent Dad home from the hospital. Dad drove to Aunt Elisa's and he and Dylan were going to spend the night there. Both of them were getting pampered by Aunt Elisa right now. He would take care of urgent matters tomorrow and my brother would phone the customers about the cancelled appointments, and that we would all have a meeting the day after tomorrow to discuss what needed to be done. Strict orders from my dad that I should absolutely do nothing tomorrow and just enjoy my time with the girls.

Damn. I had forgotten that I had a girls' night with Veronica and Beth. I missed hanging out with all of us together, but all I wanted now was to lock myself in my room. I knew that would just make everything worse. I decided I'd see how I feel tomorrow. They would understand if I cancelled and rescheduled.

I put my phone down after sending a reply. I was so relieved and grateful everyone was safe, so why was heaviness enveloping my whole body? I stared at the empty spot beside me, my heart aching.

Is he really gone? What if he's still here?

I sprang up in bed and called myself ten kinds of fool as I pushed open the guest bedrooms, ignored the twist in my heart when I found them empty.

He's already gone. What are you doing? Why are you still looking?

I raced down the stairs, my eyes zooming in on the couch. He wasn't there. The living room was empty.

What did I expect? That he was waiting for me to wake up? If he were, then what?

It's good that he left. Don't look for him. Didn't you say you were going to start letting him go?

I balled my hands into fists. The reminder hit me like a punch in the gut.

I should go back to bed, I thought, but I headed to the kitchen instead. I'd get a can of beer, hope that it would relax me enough to sleep. And stopped in my tracks.

Cameron was leaning against the wall. He had removed his dinner jacket and bow tie, his white dress shirt untucked and open at the throat. The sleeves of his shirt were pulled up, exposing his muscular forearms that were crossed against his chest.

He was staring at a spot on the dining table, a look of despair in his eyes. I realized he was standing at the same place where he stood when he broke us apart that night. And I realized he was looking at the chair where I sat that same night.

Was he thinking about what happened the last time he was here?

His eyes shifted and met mine.

"Kara."

Something blazed inside of me, spreading to my limbs to my fingertips. I realized it was anger. I was angry because my heart had soared when I realized he didn't leave after all, when I saw him here in my space again, just like he did so many times before. So long ago. I was sick of all of it. The cycle of me going back and forth from hating him, missing him, loving him. I needed him to stop so I could stop myself.

"No," I said, my voice shaky. I backed away a few steps from him. "No," I repeated. "This can't happen again. I won't let you do this to me again. I won't let myself fall for it again."

He stood there, eyes burning.

"You don't get to come here anymore just because you feel like it. You don't have the right to come here anymore. To comfort me, to take care of me. You gave that up," I accused hotly. "Didn't you tell me to stay away from you? Then why do you keep showing up? You're the one who can't let go. And your showing up here is making it harder for me to let you go. But I need to. And this time," I said with conviction, "I will."

Fear glittered in his eyes.

"If you're not going to be in my life, Cameron, if you can't fight for me, if you can't even talk to me, I'd rather not have any of you."

"You've always had me," he said gruffly. "I never stopped being yours."

I shut my eyes closed. "Stop it! Stop."

"Kara, don't push me out. I fucking need you." He lowered his head, pushed both his hands in his hair, kept them there. After a moment, he looked up at me, his eyes beseeching. "Please."

"I can't keep going like this. You're hurting me."

"I'd like to tell you if you'd let me. What I should have told you then, what you have a right to know."

"And what's that?"

He took a deep breath. "About that night. Why I had to leave you."

"Why you had to leave me?"

"Will you listen to me," he asked quietly, "Kara?"

When I didn't answer, he hurried on to say, "After I tell you, if you still don't want me around, then I won't be. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. I will... let you go."

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded. "I'll listen."

TWO CHAPTERS POSTED TODAY! Chapter 21 and Chapter 22. Happy reading, loves!