[CHRIS]

"Come on, concentrate," Alex said, making the man sitting beside him to blink before looking away from him. 

"Sorry," his lab partner said, looking down at the notes Alex had drawn up. I smiled a bit, satisfied with his response. After a few minutes, the guy got up and excused himself. Alex and I watched him walk away, and we turned to each other when he was out of sight. 

"Why are you being like that?" Alex asked, making me smile a bit as I picked up the book in front of me. 

"Like what?" I asked, turning the page as Alex sighed. We were at his university's library, and I'd tagged along with him since I'd gotten off work early. 

"See, you tell me not to play around then you act all passive-aggressive when I'm with people," Alex said, making me drop my book. His voice was soft like he was hurt, and that bothered me. "I haven't played a game in what? Two years. Trust me, I don't care anymore."

"It's not that I don't trust you," I said, covering my face with my hands. "How do I put this? I don't really like it when you're with other people, and he likes you. You can see it in his eyes."

Alex let out a long dramatic sigh followed by an eye roll. "So what? Why does it matter? It's not like I like him. He's too puppy-like anyway," he said, making both of us stare at each other before chuckling a bit. 

"I just get nervous," I said, making Alexander sigh again. I watched him scribble into his notes, adjusting the work he and his partner had been doing together as we sat in the silence that followed. 

"There's no need to be nervous," he eventually said, putting his pen away when it seemed like he was done correcting the work. "I only fancy you. You're the only one I can tolerate," he said with a smile, making me look into his deep brown eyes. When I'd first seen Alexander in the museum four years ago it had been love at first sight. I think it was his eyes, or maybe it was that smile he had on that I wasn't quite sure how to classify it. 

It looked like he'd wanted to test me in some way, but whatever had happened -- I had passed. I had earned the right to call Alex mine after our first date. 

"What are you reading now? You go to work now, so you don't have much time, but it would be great if you could recommend me some books."

I rose the book I was currently reading up so that he could see the cover. "I'll lend this to you when I'm done," I said, watching as he nodded reaching out to take my hand in his. I immediately felt comforted. I looked down at his hand, watching as he rubbed my knuckles with the pad of his thumb finger. 

"Do you feel better?" he asked, making me let out a sigh before nodding. I closed my eyes a bit when he reached out to push back some strands of my hair. "You don't seem like yourself today," he commented, making me smile a bit as I watched him take away his hand.

"I'm not feeling too well, to be honest," I said, watching as Alex observed me with his brown eyes. 

"What's bothering you?" he asked, making me shrug. I really wasn't sure how to explain what was going on in my head to him, which was kind of a first. 

"Try your best, I'm listening," he said, and I sighed before shrugging again. 

"You know how we have this routine," I started, watching as Alex nodded at my words. "What if I told you I wanted some things to change? How does that sound?" I asked, watching Alex. He frowned a bit, then he looked slightly panicked, and eventually his face settled into a blank stare. 

"What do you want to change?" he asked, making me reach out for his hand. 

"Like now," I started, turning his hand in mine before giving it a little squeeze. "I reach out for your hand, and turn it then squeeze — that's a routine," I said, watching as he nodded.

"I kiss your chest, prop you against a pillow and make love to you — that's a routine," I continued to explain, watching Alex's expression for any changes or concerned. He was following my words so far and didn't seem alarmed or confused. "What if we do the same things, but a little differently."

"So,  you're bored?" he asked, cocking his head to the side when I let go of his hand. 

"Not exactly," I replied. "There are things I want to do with you, and to you and I'm not just sure how they'd fall into place, or whether you'd even let me." 

"Are there things you want me to do for you?" he asked suddenly. My face grew warm at the question. 

Yes, yes they were.

 "I'm guessing that's a positive?" he asked, and I nodded. I watched him smile at me, the beauty mark on his cheek moving as his smile got wider. That was odd, I hadn't expected that reaction from him. 

"I appreciate how considerate you are with our interactions. I really do," he started, flooding his hands over the wooden table we were sitting at. His lab partner hadn't returned, and something told me he had wandered off somewhere. "I'm in love with you," he continued as his lips curved into a smile again. "There are some things I won't do ever in a million years, but it's a maybe, not a no when it concerns you."

"Maybe?" I asked, raising a brow at him. 

"Yes, a maybe," he said. I caught the slight stutter in his voice. He was trying to put up an indifferent act, but it was obvious he was nervous. "So, if you ever want to try something, just ask me. I'll probably say no the first few times but I'll think about it," he said, and I smiled too, noting that that was the end of our conversation. 

Alex's partner came back about one hour after our talk was over. They went back to work almost immediately, leaving me to read my novel as I waited for them to finished. The boy's face was flushed throughout his interaction with Alex. The way his eyes would follow Alex's lips or the way he would take his hand as if in shock whenever it touched Alex's in any way. The boy looked transfixed, and Alexander just looked bored.

Observing other people fawn and obsess over Alexander has always being a thing that both fascinated and made me anxious. Nine times out of ten these people were better looking. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid I knew I relationship was more of compatibility versus physical but was I superficial to wonder if Alex was interested in that as much as I was. 

Although I was smarter and more compatible, I couldn't help wondering if I would be a better match if I were buffer, less lean, and had brighter features. Sharp jawlines and big wide eyes would beat my lean face and angled features any day. I'm a fool — I know what attractive people look like — I'm not one of them.

Ah, diminished self-confidence. 

When Alex and his partner were finally done with their work I left the library for the parking lot with him. We got into my car, and I started the engine as Alex began to hum along to the track that continued from where it had been paused when I turned off the car. 

"You stared at him so much you might have shot him in the head, it would have hurt less," Alex said with a small laugh, referring to his lab partner. I just smiled, not really having anything to say to the reply. I drove out of the parking lot and into the main road soon after, and on the way to our apartment we talked about the book I was reading, and about Alex's coming exam. 

As much as I might get jealous I was the only one who was allowed the see certain versions of him. 

The excited Alex.

The shy Alex.

And many more versions. What most people saw was a cold decorated shell. 

No matter what happened he was mine. He had chosen me. I was the only one who truly knew him — got to experience him. I didn't have to walk on eggshells to protect what was mine. It's not like I'd fought for it. He'd offered himself freely like a precious stone wrapped in a box. 

Jealousy and low self-confidence won't get the better of me.