"They would."

There was a ringing in her ears, loud and unapologetic as Yvaine rushed around her room, muttering and whimpering under her breath as she shot around like a swarming fly, just trying to keep herself sane as she paced. But she could hardly breathe, her lungs feeling tight, as if something was constricting around them and with every step that she took on shaking legs, they just got tighter and tighter until finally, she'd snap in two and crumble into pieces on her wooden floor where the ever burning fumes of hell would await her.

She wondered if Jesper and Inej were alright, wondered if she'd worried them with her corpse-like state as they'd trekked back to the Slat while she'd acted like she was walking towards the gallows. But the truth was that she couldn't bring herself to even attempt to look at them, nevermind talk to them, in fact the moment that they'd gotten into view of the place, Yvaine had picked up the pace like Deverous himself was chasing after her and locked herself into her room with her whole body wracking in terrible tremors that made her teeth clatter together in the silence of the room.

"More than shadow. More than nothing." The familiar words slipped put of her mouth like a mantra, like a promise, like a prayer as she whispered them thickly, moving over to the corner of the room and then plunging her trembling hands deep into the basin of freezing cold water desperately, as if that could wash away her sins, her curse, her comfort.

There was something not quite right about her, something that had never been right about her, and perhaps it was the lack of sleep that made her pessimistic, perhaps the lack of food in her stomach, of water soothing the ever present burn in her throat, or just the more probable option of the whole status of being a shadow summoner that was nothing short of a heavy burden on her collapsing shoulders, like Atlas holding up the weight of the falling sky, every moment that passed bringing her further and further down until her knees were touching the earth that made everything hurt, blossoming inside her that felt like aching, that felt like fire.

However, stuck in her own terrifying conscious of pain and misery, the dam broke, and she lost whatever semblance of composure she'd once had as she started to sob horribly, awful sounds that were torn from her throat like a wounded animal, shoulders drawn together as she shook and was forced to grip onto the sides of the basin so her legs didn't give way in her all-consuming grief that threatened to swallow her whole.

She hated this, she hated everything about this, she the world that had taken everything from her and never gave, the shadows that made her nothing short of a monster, Deverous, Brekker and Ketterdam as a whole, she hated it with every fibre of her destructive being that had been ruined because of her own desires...but most of all, Yvaine hated herself as she stood in her lonely room of haunted memories and heaved. 

And finally, when it appeared that she was all cried out and that her exhaustion had taken over, Yvaine sat herself down, slumped against her bed with her head held in her shaking hands, trying to focus on taking deep, uneven breaths. But it was like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands, and her sanity kept slipping through the gaps of her fingers every time she as much as moved, ached, whimpered...there was to much inside her head, thoughts racing, fear mounting because just what would Brekker gain from keeping her secret? What would he force her to do to keep his lips sealed?

Was it not enough that she was already his thief? That she played her part on whatever plan he constructed? That she'd saved his life, that she'd accepted whatever he asked of her, that she'd tried.

Sometimes, Yvaine wished she was stronger, braver, more self assured in her ominous abilities...maybe then she wouldn't be forced to bow to another's whim, maybe then she wouldn't of been as absolutely terrified of everything that she was, hidden under her thick layers of armour of snark and confidence. Shadow summoners were...rare she supposed, a dying breed, something perhaps borderlining on extinction or so she'd assumed, hardly heard about...except for one. One who was despised, one who was scorned, a starless sinner that legends were spun from tongues that dripped black.

But in truth, she knew she was nothing like them, nothing like the rumours of the black heretic that people merely whispered about, who's dangerous intentions ripped apart the world to create something new, a creature who didn't need salvation or damnation, and just used the shadows that he'd controlled to get whatever he wanted...while Yvaine was nothing but vulnerable, an ordinary hand stained with darkness, just lonely for something to touch and for something to touch her back and having no choice but to find that comfort in her one constant, her one familar of the shadows that ruined her life and saved it in the same breath.

And from that strange comfort, only isolation was sought from it, because she'd known, she'd just known that if she was found out...well, whatever would happen to her, it wouldn't be good. And she didn't want to give anyone that chance to hurt her, to enslave her, to make her their anything when the one thing she had in life, the one thing she had complete control over was her freedom, even if from that freedom loneliness lingered...Because loneliness was better than death.

She remembered years ago, long before she truly knew the weight of her devastation, before Deverous, before anything of true substance...she'd met a Suli couple and their son, well, met seemed like too less of a word, considering the truth was that they'd caught her trying to steal from them, her skinny thieving fingers stained with blood and dirt and her dark eyes hungry and wanting, filled with starvation and a feral chaos just ready to ripple across the earth like a rock falling into water.

However strangely enough, instead of shunning her which they very fine well could of...they welcomed her, recognising a wayward lost soul when they saw one and inviting her into their warmth, and naturally, at first she'd been sceptical, taking the offered food with a swiftness and violence of a feral stray, small body with knobbly knees shaking in tremors as the wind wreaked havoc across bruised and gaunt skin. And yes, quite like strays, Yvaine had found herself going back for more, taking whatever they'd give her and feeling the first mere brush of something called human decency and longing for more.

The son had been named Dehmanjay she remembered, he'd tried to teach her coin tricks, making them dance between his fingers like some sort of graceful dance that only he knew, making it disappear and then reappear behind her ear as she'd smiled her first ever smile that had made her unused lips bleed. "You need to feel the coin, not see it, Yvaine. That's where you keep making the mistake." He'd tell her gently, cupping her hand and moving the metal through it in some kind of imitation of what he'd done prior, though far more clumsy and subdued as she grumbled and cursed as he laughed.

But, even after spending a mere month with them, she'd never gotten the hang of such talents, because all she really knew what to do with her fingers was steal like the hungry thief she was, and whether that was jewelry from wrists or mortality from people, the shadows cared not...they only knew how to do one thing and that was take.

She couldn't remember much about them anymore, details waning away like crumbling paintings as the years passed her by, too full of sorrow and grief with every grueling day that had made her bones ache, and her empty stomach clench with longing. But what she could remember of them...was that they were kind, something that had seemed so rare when she was younger, she remembered that they were warm and happy with what little they had, and that for the first time in her life, Yvaine had allowed herself the comfort of trust with them...and if things had been different, if she had been different, she thought she would of stayed with them, thought she would of made a friend, made a family.

Perhaps that was why she was so quick to trust Deverous, perhaps Dehmanjay and his family had ruined her with their kindness, and perhaps if she hadn't of been so naive, she would of still had her freedom, she wouldn't of been plagued by the trauma that he had placed upon her like a crown filled with thorns.

She'd been so stupid back then, less callous with the shadows, more feral, more rough around the edges as she took the world for all it had, angry at it for abandoning her, seeing her as something worthless when she was anything but. And all it had taken was Deverous to happen upon her thriving fingers by simple chance, a lapse in fate that only ruined her, letting him catch a glimpse of her dark eyes that gleamed in the morning light, her strange and deadly, sharp beauty that threatned to cut those around her for his obsession to begin.

He'd been smart about it, that much she could admit, she hadn't known who he was, didn't know the hold he seemed to have over everything and everyone...he'd offered her a job, a chance to better herself, to not be starving or cold or lonely ever again and she'd been so stupidly quick to take it, desperate to be seen and not caring for how it would happen. But she'd found out eventually, found out just how cruel hands could be, how he could manipulate her like she was clay and he was a vision, pulling her and taking more and more from her until she hardly recognised herself anymore.

There were thoughts whirling inside her head, each one more painful than the last as she sat there, overwhelmed by her memories, her anxieties, her fears...but before she could truly lose herself to her past, she finally heard the ominous sound of the cane tapping against the wood followed by uneven footsteps, walking down the short hallway to her room and getting closer and closer with each passing second as she stared out unseeing in front of her, glaring towards the door and knowing...that it was time to pay her dos.

The footsteps came to a stop just outside of her room, but she didn't move, didn't even blink until her door creaked open slowly, and standing there, looking as unbothered as he usually did, Kaz Brekker didn't wait for permission as he strolled on in, dressed in his usual state of black on black on black, looking around her room nonchalantly, gaze flickering from place to place, seemingly in absolutely no hurry to break the awful atmosphere that had thickened around them that continued to build and build and build.

"So...what the hell do you want me to do, Brekker? Want me to get on my knees and start kissing your feet? Or how about I steal you the Ravakan crown jewels?" She finally hissed sarcastically when the silence of the room grew too heavy to bare, glaring up at him with hatred dripping from her tongue like black ink as something vile scratched at her throat, angry and resentful and brimming with tension as her bedroom seemed to keep closing in on her with each passing moment, getting closer and closer until she felt like she was going to suffocate, like she was back in that fucking cage waiting for his next order.

"A thank you would be a good place to start...perhaps we can save all of the rest for later." His lips twitched for half a second as he smirked down at her, obviously amused at her frustration and knowing that there was nothing she could do about it, could do about him, especially now that she was in his so called dept twice over, him keeping her secret for whatever known reason...and him keeping her from Deverous or someone far worse in the monstrous Ketterdam.

"And what about my thanks, asshole? I saved your life."

"Don't bother trying to play me for a fool, pick-pocket. You saved yourself...I was merely in the crossfire." Brekker said idly, walking around her room like he owned it and yes, technically, she supposed he did, but that didn't make her any less resentful as he started to pick up her seemingly endless supply of candles with bored hands, gloved fingers holding them strangely as he looked at the suspiciously...as if they were concealed weapons and not a way for her to ignore the shadows that were constantly restless with her unease.

Rage simmered inside of her, like a beast frothing at the mouth the more she watched him, the more she listened to him, hearing the bored tone in his voice as he spoke as if everything he said was fact, was gospel when he didn't even come close to the truth of what actually happened, and Yvaine barely waited another moment before she was standing up to snarl. "Oh really? Is that what you've deduced? Just because you wouldn't save anyone but yourself doesn't mean that everyone else is the same. I could of easily just left you there, disappeared in the shadows instead of staining my hands with more blood for you but I didn't."

Brekker scoffed loudly, turning to face her with his dark brows set in a frown, his eyes flickering from the tips of her boots to the blackness of her gaze as he leaned against his cane, moving just slightly closer to make himself heard. "You're soft, pick-pocket. And you won't survive for very long in Ketterdam if you allow your...affection to get the better of you."

"You know I could cut you in half and not break a sweat, right? So maybe you should watch your tone." Idly, she remembered that night back in the alleyway, back to their first meeting that seemed so long ago as they both stood there, and she couldn't help but be reminded of it, the two of them squaring up against each other, trying to establish who was the bigger threat between them, who was the more dangerous one, and who was the one with the odds in their favour? And even now...it seemed that neither knew the answer to any of those questions.

Three months with the dregs, three months with the crows...and she and the Brekker boy seemed to be right back where they started, or just maybe they never left it in the first place.

"You could, but you wouldn't, you care too much for Inej and Jesper to do that, don't you?" He said, left brow raising higher than the other in an expression of mock consideration, and Yvaine had to swallow the venemous hiss pooling against her tongue as she forced her gaze away, breathing heavily at the unfortunately true words spoken...she should know better by now, she should of known not to be so open, but most importantly, she should of known not to get attached to people that could destroy her from the inside out.

To feel anything deranged you, she tried to remind herself desperately, and to be seen feeling anything was to strip her naked.

"How long do I have until I'm free of my dept to you?" The shadow summoner whispered thickly as she hurried to change the subject, turning away from him with her hands clenched into fists by her side, digging her short nails into the palm of her hand in an attempt to keep steady, to not let him see how all of this was affecting her, to simply keep breathing instead of doing something she'd regret...like losing all her inhibitions and simply revoking his right to breathe by fucking strangling the smug bastard of the Barell right then and there.

"Well, coupled in with the fact that I'm keeping your secret under wrap and key, I'd say another couple of months. Unless you want the world to know that a shadow summoner is wreaking havoc across Ketterdam."

She almost screamed at his words, not knowing whether she wanted to break down in tears or start laughing manically in the comfort of her isolation, but not wanting to do either in his presence, not when he already was holding so much over her head, not when her sanity was hanging in the balance as more and more of her freedom was taken away from her like it was something to be held instead of something that was given. Truly, she would of loved to known which saint she'd pissed off to deserve this, to deserve any of this, because it seemed like from the day she was born nothing but pain was forced down upon her.

"I'm assuming Deverous knows of your abilities, why else would he place such a high price on your head?"

Yvaine scoffed, eyes watering as she finally brought her gaze up to glare into his eyes, tongue digging into the side of her cheek as she smiled painfully. "Deverous wants me because he can't have me. I was young when he found me, young and desperate and tired of trying to survive in a world that didn't want me in it and he offered me something that I'd rarely even thought about, safety, protection, basic human fucking decency. But with every passing day, he just took more and more of me, I started as his thief, then his protector...and then his killer. But I drew the line at his whore and for my refusal...well, let's just say I wasn't half as damaged as I am now when I met him."

Her trembling hands danced over the scar on her jaw absentmindnessly as she lost herself to the memories, her wrist throbbing in phantom pain and her back feeling like it was being flogged anew, scars, wounds, broken bones and internal pain that was invisible coming to the surface of her mind, the sound of a whip cracking through the air, wounded screams, moans whispered in her ears, bones being ripped apart in her prison of flesh...before she shook her head to clear it of the fog delving into it, looking back over to Brekker who only continued to watch her with something flickering in his dark eyes.

"That's why I ran, why I can't go back to him...he knows my every weakness, and he'll exploit it...he'll throw me in that fucking cage again until the shadows will tear me apart in their rage."

And as if knowing she was talking about them, the darkness in the room began to dance, licking at her heels like a terrifying promise, and she couldn't help the quiet, wounded sounding sob that slipped from her lips as she felt them mounting around her. "I'm scared that one day, the shadows are going to swallow me whole...and no one is even going to notice I'm gone." She whispered in a horrified cry, more to herself than anyone else, but he heard her all the same.

"They would." Brekker said, looking at her calmly, knowing that it wasn't just the shadow summoner who'd become a slave to affection, and that strangely enough, he hadn't seen his sharpshooter or his wraith look happier than when they were with the pick-pocket for whatever reason.

But Yvaine only shook her head as if she didn't even hear him, taking a deep breath to try and gain some semblance of composure as she moved back over to the basin of water, desperate to keep her sweating hands busy as they trembled and shook, quickly rolling up her oversized sleeves to rest against the crook of her elbow and plunging them into the sharp coldness that struck her nerves like lightning and forcing her back into the present, where Brekker had found his eyes lingering on the scars on her forearms, a question forming on the tip of his tongue that he knew the answer to as she caught him looking.

"I can't go back to Deverous, Kaz. I can't."

"You won't." His hands clenched tightly over his cane, not quite promising her safety, but something close to it as they shared a look, shared a moment that had both of their stomachs swirling with uncertainty, with unease, with something that neither could explain, before he broke the prolonged eye contact to glance over at the window of her room, taking in the way night had fallen, the fog of Ketterdam gloomier than ever in the darkness. "Tomorrow you'll be training with Inej and Jesper."

"Wait, what?-"

But the Brekker boy only continued on like he hadn't of been interrupted in the first place, looking towards her briefly with his brow quirked and lips thinned into an expression she couldn't made sense of, not matter how hard she tried. "You can't always rely on your...abilities to save you, especially here in Ketterdam with Grisha slave traders lurking around every corner. It would be stupid of you to try that trick you pulled again-"

"The trick I pulled to save you." She quickly spat, wondering if he'd forgotten why he knew her secret in the first place, that she'd willingly exposed herself to save a life that she wasn't even sure deserved it in the first place. But he had been correct in his assumption that her salvation hadn't been for his benefit, but for the two who had been nothing but kind, who had filled her days with feelings that weren't loneliness, that had made life about something more than survival in the mere months that she'd known them...and for some odd reason they both had decided that their loyalty lied with Dirtyhands, and so for now, hers did too.

"I'm aware. I-" Kaz cut himself off and gave her a dark look brimming with dangerous tension, gloved hand tightening around his cane so hard that she could once again hear the leather squeaking as he struggled with what he was trying to say as she watched him with a scowl, arms crossing over her chest and waiting mockingly. "I'm aware that you saved my life...and now, I'm returning the favour. You start early in the morning with Inej, try not to be late, pick-pocket."

She had plenty more to say on the matter, questions still unanswered like why he'd even chose to keep her secret in the first place, why he cared so much about seemingly repaying dept that she hadn't asked for, but Yvaine didn't exactly have a chance to ask him about anything because he'd already turned his back on her, limping out of the room quickly and leaving her standing their in the followed darkness around her, confused and exhausted and still absolutely terrified...and wondering just what the hell her life had come to.
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DISCLAIMER;

Hey guys, if y'all want to see more of Dehmanjay I'd highly suggest reading -hanlonss grishaverse fic called Arsonists Lullaby because the writing is, as always, incredible and as is the writer. And while he won't be appearing in this fic any more, he will be in hers as he is her amazingly written oc. That's all, love y'all and thank you so much for the support <3