Disclaimer: the following events may seem disturbing to some.

And yes I added a song up thereᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

Very long chapter ahead—
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"Lovely"

[Author's P.O.V.]

3rd January
(Year before)

If someone would've asked Saniya about the decor in the hotel they would've witnessed her startled for a second and then looking around in absolute confusion; for all the things in the world seemed a bit invisible to her nowadays.

Thankfully, no one did.

The idea of being surrounded by alot of people never seemed such a problem until the last time she remembers.
But people change with
time—more specifically, time changes people.

The charisma of about seventy young people from different walks of life together to celebrate what they named as a Reunion was quite too overwhelming.
Geetanjali and Sreekanth, popularly beckoned by the names Geetu and Suru quickly found Saniya standing in a black corner amidst the carnival going on.

Red frock, kohl rimmed eyes and black tresses ready to tangle anyone in their darkening depths; she had the eyes of all.
But she needed none, or maybe someone—

Throughout the fifteen minutes of her existence at the gathering she questioned herself about fifty times as to why she agreed to attend it in the first place. Loud music blaring in her ears which craved for a lullaby, even better- silence.

"Saniya!"

Geetanjali's almost inaudible calls reached Saniya before she reached there herself.
A group hug was shared before Saniya was pulled to meet her old friends. Friends who knew nothing about her and whom she knew nothing about.

Fake smile
That's what she had
For screaming isn't modest
Fake smile
Taking her to hell
But nevermind
She isn't alone there.

A while later as all the ex-classmates chirped about their current life, a waiter brought in some long legged crystal glasses with champagne. It was a moment of celebration!

Saniya smiled politely denying but her peers reminded her that it's just one sip and simultaneously teasing her by reminding that it's not like she never drank.

"Cheers!"

The glasses clanked and soon the champagne was down their throats. The shrill giggles couldn't notice anything until the loud shattering of one of the glasses travelled in the hall. All eyes turned to Saniya who was quivering as if she had just witnessed a ghost.

Feeling nauseous she ran towards the loo, stumbling due to her wobbly knees.
The audience stood amazed as Saniya picked herself and stormed into the washroom.

"You can't drink this!"
"Stop being a crybaby!
"Shut that drama, you're afraid of responsibility!"

The abuse kept ringing in her ears as she spewed. Hurriedly she racked through her belongings to find her pills immediately stuffing them. With hands clasped to her mouth she looked into the mirror. Destroyed. That's what Saniya felt upon looking at her desolate eyes, the black kohl dripping along with tears making way through her cheeks. 

"Saniya?! Are you okay? What happened!"

As soon as Geetu's voice reached her she made her way into a cubicle trying to steady her voice. Gathering all her courage she answered,"Absolutely, just a little bit of—nausea, I'll just leave soon. Nothing serious."

"Are you sure, I feel there's something more—"

In that moment Saniya had almost made her mind to talk to Geetu about it she came out but she couldn't; she feared hearing the same things from her too.
She feared exposing her heart which had become so fragile, so delicate that it hurt when she breathed.

"I'm............okay"

Lied. Every inch of her being, her soul echoed the opposite but when a person stands in the shadow of fear, fear overpowers all other feelings.

Sinking down on the cold floor Saniya let her sobs have the freedom she didn't.
How badly she wanted someone to hold her close, to tell her that it's okay.

Her nose ran, her eyes had everlasting tears, arms wrapped around herself. Wiping her tears she searched for her phone messaging Geetu and Suru about her departure.

Moving out she witnessed hoards of guests watching her form the corner of their eyes, their minds building a wave of gossips about her, possibly calling her an attention seeker who'd reach any extent for a glance.
It's funny that those educated elite couldn't spare a moment for someone who just ran out in tears. So odd, but even.
She took a deep breath and walked and walked until she could see none of them.

Her heart needed to go to the home that had been set on fire by hers and herself.

****************************

Goodnight kisses to Zian took a little longer as she craved for something only Zian could lend her—solace, an assurance that even if she lost whatever she had she'll have him to give her courage.

Aamir layed with his back facing the bedroom door, Saniya didn't care. The table lamp was still lit on her side, he must've left it on for her.

Stealthily entering the bathroom with her diary Saniya stares at it for a few moments.

The flashes of today's party and her overall bad memories revisiting her without any invitation. She heard voices of people mocking her, calling her a drama queen. 

And she could do nothing to stop them. Maybe it was her hallucination or maybe not.

By the last line she had tears. For a while she kept staring at what she wrote.

Saniya's heart jumped and hurt. With a deep breath her hands reached towards Aamir's shaving blade. She held it in between her fingers.
She felt dizzy but she wanted it to stop. The blade drew closer to her skin—all her body needed was a relief from this pain which had no epicentre.

"Mom!!"

The blade fell from her trembling fingers. She was in a daze—no idea as to how she reached this point. Zian's voice knocked her breath, it reached her and crawled straight into her heart.

"Mom please come out fast, I want to tell you something. Dad's awake too!"

Keeping the blade back and hiding her diary Saniya moving out she stared at Zian sitting in his father's lap.

Aamir knew something was disturbing his Sanu, he made sure to talk to her once Zian sleeps. Judging by the look on her face he immediately knew that she'd been crying.

"I lub you Mumma Papa! This is what I wanted to tell you."

Zian chirped making both his parents amazed. Aamir tickled him and it soon turned into a family tickle!
What Zian told was what Saniya wanted to hear from people, she knew she shouldn't but she still hoped for validations. Her ears seeked for voices telling her that how important she was to them and how they wanted her in their life.
Too much to ask for, she knew.

But tonight was okay, she felt better when by accident Aamir kissed her cheek but didn't regret it. When he pulled her into an embrace alongwith their little son.

Tomorrow may be good
The morning not forced
A kiss and an I love you
Followed by a hug
Perhaps they'll know
That I want to live,
And not die anymore
Likely I'll sleep with hope
To wake up again, again.

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Hey there,

I'm sorry for what was intended to be published so earlier is published now.

No need to buy my excuse but it's just that I wrote a chapter for about 3 times and felt it isn't right. I was losing motivation and ideas. At other times, I wrote Saniya's attempt at it, and I felt so affected by it that I didn't want anyone else to read it. Sorry.

Here's tagging  @RuVineet @-bluelune @Sukriti0104 @Book_lover4987 for reading this book.
Special thanks to Sukriti for persuading me and not giving up on me when I said I had no energy to write.

Also, I don't support what Saniya was trying to do, but there are times when one is so lost, so tired that giving up feels like the only path, the pain of not being able to speak when someone keeps questioning you is so bad that it kills a person from within.