Author: OnyxWriting

Blurb:

"Our very bones are stained with sin, scorched from fires, broken by betrayals, frozen in loneliness and soaked with blood, but we will keep on fighting. The Varkeshians are playing our game now, on our terms. So let them underestimate us, it will be all the more fun when we rip them to shreds and sink their empire to the ground."

The Aculiac legacy is one passed on through generations. It is a legacy told in every corner of every world, in every universe. The Aculiac legacy is like none other. It is a legacy that will never end, that will never be weakened. For the Aculiacs reign, always and forever. Until it is. Until the houses of Varsillia rebel and the house of Nivirah attempts to overthrow a power house like no other. But, the Nivirahs forgot one thing, Aculiacs know everything. Aculiacs do not lose and when they do that is when you know to be afraid.

Aculiacs always get their way and the Nivirahs, in their arrogance, had forgotten such. For Evelyn Aculiac remains and war is coming. The feared and hated queen covered in shadows and shrouded in mystery is the only thing, or rather person, that stands between Varkeshia and Varsillias' destruction.

But the last Aculiac is on a warpath, one that involves the suffering of the houses she had once revered as sacred along side the eternal flame. Deep down, she knows the end is coming, but maybe it doesn't have to be Varsillias' end.

After all, Aculiacs always get their way.

BOOK COVER:

I loved the book cover. It's attractive and catches the eyes of the readers. It also has the fantasy genre vibes. Though I still don't know the reason for the title 'Glass Shadows' as I have only read until chapter three, it's quite an intriguing and vague title. The only thing I would recommend for you to change is to make the title of the book bolder and it would be better to write your name instead of your username to make it seem more professional. Overall, it's a very good cover!

BLURB/SYNOPSIS:

I loved how you started the synopsis off with a quote. The synopsis immediately tells us about the setting of the story. The synopsis also efficiently covers the past/background of the story so there were not many doubts when I started reading. It also establishes how powerful Aculiacs really are and their fall and cleverly switches to the protagonist, Evelyn Aculiac, who is bent on revenge. It also sets a foundation for understanding her character and displays the theme of revenge. I also love the vague ending of the blurb, mysterious and powerful enough to draw the readers.

I would recommend shortening the blurb. It's quite lengthy and I got tired of reading how powerful Aculiacs are. There are unnecessary things which could be omitted. There are also few elements which are better off in the story than in the blurb.

CHARACTERS:

From the character list you have provided, I understand that this story is going to involve a lot of names. As I jumped from one name to another, I forgot about the earlier names which I read in the list. To make things easier, I would suggest putting the names of the main characters first. The readers being new to this will not be able to differentiate the significant ones from the insignificant. Since your characters are divided into houses, I would suggest splitting up the characters and houses into two separate parts(chapters).

The characters which I read are very well constructed and developed. Fantasy authors usually do not use a first-person narrative, usually opting for a third person narrative, but you have done quite well. The characters' personalities are well defined. Just by reading three chapters, I can describe Evelyn's personality.

I personally feel that the character portrayal is the highlight of your story. The portrayal really stands out more than the plot or the writing for me. I also know that it's very difficult to portray such intelligent and complicated characters, so that's a job well done.

CHAPTER 1:

The first chapter. It's the most crucial point of a story. It's either ride or die. If you don't capture the reader's attention here, then all the effort goes to waste. It's not only about the hook. The first chapter must be almost perfect in every sense.

You begin your chapter with the word, 'darkness'. It's quite an apt beginning, the one you would expect for a story in the fantasy genre. The first paragraph was absolutely beautiful, you immediately grasp the fact that the character is a prisoner. The one thing that put me off was the format.

The first paragraph was long and messy. I also noticed from the first that you tend to put commas where there should be full stops. Try using concise sentences. When a sentence is too long, a reader forgets the train of thought the character is having.

Example format:

Purple.

All I could see was purple. It surrounded me, consuming every other color. It was the color I hated the most because it was a symbol of my loss. It was the color of the cloth he wore when he destroyed everything that I loved. It was also the color I wore that day and it is also the color which I shall wear again on the day I win.

I loved the introduction of the two characters – Evelyn and Lucas in the first chapter and I can clearly see Evelyn's feelings towards the Wrights. Throughout the chapter, Lucas and Evelyn have a long conversation. The dialogues are exciting, but the reactions are missing. Usually when people converse, they have some reaction or they do something unconsciously like tucking their hair, biting nails, tapping their feet etc., and we only understood how Evelyn felt. Give Lucas a few reactions to hint at what he is feeling.

The other problem with the chapter is the abrupt ending. As she takes off her chains, she remembers her familiar Galen and just wonders some random things about him. Try elaborating the paragraph or add even more. The first thing a person feels after taking off the chains, is the sense of freedom. Maybe her hands hurt or it is chafed from wearing them and writing a little something that she is happy that she is now free from it.

Try introducing the familiar a little slowly. Let her feel her magic coming back to her when she finally feels the presence of her familiar. You have described his personality which is good but try adding a few memories about him or let Evelyn wonder how he is doing now.

CHAPTER 2:

Chapter two starts with a complaint which I really love as it adds to Evelyn's personality, but the first sentence of the chapter is grammatically incorrect and does not make sense at all.

'Other people are the epitome of waste of space human trash.'

I am getting what you are trying to convey, but it would be better if you chose to write that other people are trash or other people are the epitome of a waste of space.

The content of this chapter is thrilling, quite like a political thriller. It also displays how weak Varsillia is and that Evelyn is going to have a lot of problems because the officials are fools. I truly pity her. I also love the idea of the spies – the Silent Spectors and the Farhian Wraiths.

I noticed a lot of numbers in this chapter. My advice for you is to use the word form of the numbers rather than directly writing them in their numerical form as it is preferable.

I love the speed of the plot progression and hope that you can maintain this speed throughout the story. Go any faster and you will leave the readers confused and go any slower and the story will turn boring. I also like how you've cleverly insinuated how powerful the Varkeshian Republic is with their one billion forces.

Your view on Death was also especially unique and the chapter carefully balances the light and heavy stuff. I was first confused at the reference to popcorn, but slowly understood that this might be something you've thought about and is plausible and it made me love Evelyn so much more.

The flashback was interesting but could have been written in a better way. Never start a flashback by telling it's a flashback. People usually understand it is a flashback when italics are used. It makes it much more mysterious. It would be better if you try to melt the scene of Evelyn walking through the willow trees with the flashback.

My only other concerns are the grammar and punctuation. Especially while writing dialogues, I have noticed you miss out on full stops and add full stops when it is supposed to be a comma or a question mark. Pay attention while writing when one of your characters is asking a question.

CHAPTER 3:

Chapter three smoothly picks up Chapter two and it's a smooth transition. I can make out that her cousin, Gavrin, was an important person for Evelyn.

I am also reminded of the burden Evelyn and her Council has and the fact that Evelyn cannot show any weakness. The debate between the Council is quite good and I like how I am still able to feel Evelyn's anger and sadness through it all.

There were not many problems in chapter three as most of them have been pointed out in the earlier two chapters. I love how beautifully you have portrayed Evelyn's feelings here and I love the mentions of unknown names in her flashbacks. It urges me to read the next few chapters.

I felt that the flashbacks were very abrupt in this chapter. The chapter had too many abrupt breaks in between which stopped the smooth flow. A chapter does not usually consist of more than one flashback but having three is not wrong in any way. Just try to melt it into the scene. Try to make those transitions smooth.

OVERALL:

The story is like an unrefined and uncut gem. It's very precious, but it needs some tweaks here and there. The background/setting of the story is amazing and it leaves so much room for creativity. The plot is thrilling and mysterious and makes one wonder how the ending will be. The characters are well-molded and developed well and the vibes or feels of the story matches with its theme.

You need to pay attention to the grammar, especially the punctuation. Your story does not need any major changes. Try to refine your writing format and remember to use shorter sentences. After writing a chapter, go through it and edit it. Editing is boring, but it is necessary, and I believe the story will be amazing after some editing.

You have developed a wonderful story here and it has so much potential, so do not waste it. All the best for your story!