Author: Rosephillips

Blurb: 

In a world where the Sun is a thing of legends, nothing is as it seems. 

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For most of her life, Rose has been trying to unravel the mystery of her past. However, she didn't realize just how unprepared she was to face the reality of her fate. 

Finding herself crucial to the success of the Scientific Restoration of the World, she struggles to come to terms with the life thrust upon her.

What exactly does it mean to be a "Chosen One"? 

REDEMPTION by Rosephilips

Review by CelticWarriorQueen17

Title:

Short. This one sounds a lot like a bunch of other books out there (not necessarily just fantasy) and while it's easy to remember, it sounds super similar to other story titles I've heard of.

Cover:

Your cover is good, and I really like the city background. I feel, however, that the symbol is really big and distracting from the title and author's name. The text doesn't really stand out from the background and is rather hard to read. A nice gold bevel-type font would look nice though. :)

Blurb:

Your blurb is really interesting and I'm really curious to read about a world without a sun. Your story seems to fall more in the sci-fi genre than fantasy, though. And the last line unfortunately really made me lose some of my interest for your story. Having character tropes named in your blurb doesn't look very professional and kinda turned me off. Don't say what character tropes you have in your story, especially since a lot of people don't like that; just let the reader figure it out for themselves by reading the story. :)

Prologue:

Short and sweet. More of a brief scene than a short story that happens prior to the story like most fantasy books. Nothing wrong with that, though. I do it all the time. :D You did a good job with this in setting up your story and what I guess would be your main character and an event that's probably going to really shape her in your story. Just going off of guess work here, though.

My only critique is that you used rather old-fashioned words like "shrove" in the beginning (not that there's anything wrong with that) but they didn't fit with the rest of your narrative style. If you're going for that voicing, then stick with it all the way through. Using words like that and then modern words like "ok" kinda threw me out of the story. So pick what voicing you want to use and try to make it consistent throughout your entire story so that it flows nicely.

Chapter One:

Overall, pretty good. There were a few grammar mistakes here and there, mostly punctuation stuff; I believe I left suggestions on those in the comments. My main concern was the way you phrased things. I know the style you're going for and I applaud the fact you're wanting to do that style, but there were many places where things didn't flow as well as they should have. A good tip someone once told me a long time ago is to read your stuff out loud. If things don't flow naturally, try reworking them until it flows. An uneven pacing of words makes it difficult for the reader to immerse themselves in your story. Also you can try experimenting with various ways of using verbs and adverbs in your story to explore different ways of phrasing.

Another thing was the fact that Rose seems to take things rather slow. For instance, when she was in the elevator with those four men. Surely, you'd think she'd explain that she hadn't seen any Tigers and only overheard them saying it. But she doesn't. She just stands there hoping she'll be able to escape before things get any weirder. That didn't quite make sense to me.

Last thought on this chapter. Pacing. Some things felt rushed while other things felt really dragged out. Example: I don't recall any descriptions of the hotel other than the fact the lobby was above the rooms people actually stayed in and that the hotel in general wasn't supposed to be in The Center. (Which, you haven't explained what The Center and what The Haven are and I'd like some more details on that so your first chapter has more depth.) But you did have nice descriptions of people that made them stand out in my mind as a reader. I struggle with this a lot myself so I'm encouraging you to work more on that so your story feels even and smooth all the way through.

Chapter Two:

All chapter titles shouldn't have punctuation in them and usually aren't phrased as questions either. "Going" and "on" should also be capitalized. At least, that's what I've always been told. I might be wrong.

This one was a lot better in terms of phrasing pacing. The descriptions and evenness were a lot better in this chapter as well. It was nice to see more dialogue and get to know Rose and Tom better. And excellent work setting up the villains. Tom is such a jerk and the one in charge of him is quite terrifying, even though we've only known him for one chapter! My only critique is to watch the grammar. Mostly just commas and such, nothing that no light editing won't fix.

In general, this chapter in relation to plot pacing moved rather slowly in comparison with the previous one. I personally liked having more dialogue sequences between Tom and Rose instead of just action scenes. (Nothing wrong with action scenes, but it's nice to have dialogue too. ;)) The one thing that didn't make sense to me, though, is why Rose automatically knows Tom is going to turn her in. Maybe I just missed something, but to me, it felt unnatural. Maybe try going into more detail or use if whenever Rose thinks of it. Unless Rose is a politically important person and should be captured by the bad guys, in which case try making it clearer. It was rather confusing as to how she knew that Tom might turn her in at any moment.

Overall:

Pretty good story set-up. Other than the things I mentioned above, great work on setting up characters. Rose, personally, could do with more characterization in these first couple chapters, especially since she's the main character. Try to go more into her voicing so we can really enjoy seeing everything from her point of view.

My other critique is world-building. You have excellent descriptions of people, but I felt that descriptions of settings were rather basic or non-existent. Especially since this is a fantasy/sci-fi story, I want to see more world-building in these first few chapters. I want to know what this world looks like and how it operates. Even basic information would be helpful. I want to know what everything looks like/smells like/feels like etc. Your characters' descriptions are spot-on so I know you can describe things very well; just try to put more of that description-talent into the settings. :)

Good work, and keep it up!