chapter thirteen. ketterdam

 Aria Antonov wanted to be brave.

 Her whole life she wanted to be something more than a broken girl who had ran away from the only life she'd ever known. She wanted to best what people had said about her all those years ago but here she was at the end of the rope and no one had won but them. She wanted to be more than the runaway—than the wayward girl she'd gotten use to. But in the coldness of Ketterdam's damp and twisting alleyways, bleeding and bruised, smelling like a forest fire and looking like nothing more than another canal rat—Aria Antonov felt like a scared little girl again. And there was nothing scarier than being a child. Aria was shaking—whether from the minor blood loss or the fact she'd been on a low boat for an hour. She was drowning in the oversized black woolen coat of Kaz Brekker—somewhat subsiding the shaking. Her tired feet followed in tow of Wylan, her boots almost never leaving the ground.

Aria stumbled slightly, grabbing side of a brick wall in a turning alleyway. A hand held her forearm, she didn't have to look—she knew who it was. "I'm fine," she said, wiping her nose. Her skin came black red. She'd smashed her face on something when falling through Van Eck's roof. Aria grimaced, wiping it on her trousers. "I'm fine." She repeated mostly to herself. She hadn't even been that badly hurt, but with the lack of sleep, the fall that probably took a bad toll on her body, and using a lot of her strength to try and get the wires off of her, it was safe to say Aria was struggling.

"You don't look fine," Kaz murmured.

Aria let out a soft laugh. Her head tipped back and eyes shut. Kaz was intoxicated by the sight, even though the blood poured down her nose and her cupids bow, her white blouse was veined with blood, her stained trousers, and she wore his jacket with a big spot of gravy on it—Kaz wanted to watch it over and over. "Thank you, Kaz. Means a lot," she said in a sarcastic tone. Kaz rolled his eyes and pushed himself to continue forward.

"Wylan, help Aria," Kaz ordered.

Aria scoffed. "'said I was fine!"

Wylan appeared at her side within seconds, smiling sadly. "Hi, Wy." Wylan tried a bigger smile, but Aria saw right through it. "Talk to me," Aria said, linking her arm with his as they walked through the alleyway towards the safe house.

Wylan swallowed hard. "I want to be brave," he met her eyes. She could find the tears at his waterline. "It doesn't help that I'm surrounded by the bravest people I know and they're all badly shaken. What do we do now?"

Aria sighed, furrowing her brow. "Wylan, I don't think there's anything to do." She admitted. There was a sort of dread Aria got—it came when she stood above the body of Aric Moskal. A grave mistake kind of dread. It settled in her stomach now, and Aria wanted to rid herself of it but there was no doing that. This would be it.

Wylan's jaw clenched. "I know. I'm just..." It was like he couldn't force himself to admit what he was feeling. Aria knew. Scared.

"Me too," she whispered.

It was well past midnight as they entered the financial district—not far from the Exchange. Aria remembers that night, when that seemed like the scariest thing to have been a part of. That didn't even compare to now. Kaz led them through another alley and to the back of a large building. They entered through a door that was propped open and stepped onto a large iron lift. Kaz shut the cage and and they rode it fifteen stories up. When the doors open, the sight was extravagant. It was then Aria noticed they were in a hotel—lacquered hardwood floors beneath her dirty boots, with high ceilings above her head.

Kaz knocked on a pair of wide white double doors. Colm Fahey answered.

"The others are inside," he said wearily, stepping aside to let them in. He didn't even ask questions, but his eyes widened when he saw the bloody shirt. Aria stepped carefully across the plush purple carpet, grimacing as her friends trekked mud across it. Matthias leapt from his seat and brought Nina into his arms with a relieved smile. Then, everyone was all hugging—Aria found Wylan's eyes were pooling with tears once more. She squeezed him tightly to her side as Jesper found him too.

"Jesper!" Aria said, falling into his hug as soon as pulled away from Wylan. The two embraced and then Jesper pulled Wylan back into it—Aria grinned as her best friends engulfed her. There were moments when it occurred to Aria that these were the people she would choose over anybody else in the world. They were her foundation, no matter how much it shook at times. Between thousands of packs of wild dogs, Aria would choose this one undoubtedly.

"Kaz," said Nina. "You may not be glad we're alive, but we're glad you're alive. Come here!"

Inej frowned. "Leave him be," she murmured.

Aria and Kaz met eyes. All he could really see was the Saints he'd believed not to exist in his coat. She offered him a soft smile, which she knew he wouldn't return, but his firey eyes dulled for her.

"Saints, you ladies are bleeding all over the floor," Jesper said. Aria looked at her hand, small treacles of blood veined down her hand, leaving small drops on the floor.

"Should I call a doctor?" Colm asked.

"No!" they all replied in unison.

Colm sighed. "Of course not," he said. "Shall I ring for coffee?"

They agreed to that. He ordered coffee, waffles, and a bottle of brandy. While they waited around with empty stomachs, they helped Nina rip up some perfectly good hotel towels to be makeshift bandages. She offered to take her to bathroom to see to her wounds, Aria said she could handle it on her own with a smile.

When someone knocked at the door, they all tensed—Colm answered and retrieved their goods from the worked. Aria poured herself some coffee and picked up the brandy, reading over the label. She poured more than enough into the coffee and carried the cup to the windowsill. She managed to open it and slide out onto the roof, which had a low wall lining it, hiding her from the view from below. Aria settled against the wall near where she'd exited the room, shrugging Kaz's coat off of her shoulders.

Aria pulled her blouse over her head and set it down beside her. The chill wind nipped at her bare arms, only left in her sleeveless undershirt. Aria grabbed one of the bandages she took from Nina and folded it and placed it between her teeth. With the snap of her fingers, the flame grew in her palm. She directed it to her two fingers. She took a shaky breath through her nose and took her fingers to the wound. Her neck strained as she began to cauterize her wounds. It wasn't the first time she'd done this but Saints, it hurt.

The baby hairs at her hairline began to stick to her forehead as beads of sweat formed as white hot pain went in waves over her. Aria took a minute to breath, tearing the gag out of her mouth and leaning her head against the brick wall. The window slid open, and Kaz stepped onto the roof, looking immediately to his right to find her in a heap on the ground, wearing her lopside tired grin. "What are you doing?" Kaz asked, remaining by the window with a curious gleam in his eyes.

Aria turned to look at the skyline of Ketterdam, sighing heavily. "Drinking," she admitted, lifting the cup. Kaz raised his brow and pulled the flash from his pocket.

"Not a bad time for it," he stated, leaning against the wall beside her. "You're trying to see to your own wounds?"

Aria nodded. "It's taking more time than I had expected." Aria said, gesturing to the one she'd just finished. Kaz's eyes almost became the size of the moon, then he found her eyes.

"Cauterizing isn't smart, Aria," Kaz scolded.

Aria rolled her eyes. "I didn't want Nina's help. I can do it myself," Aria replied.

"Do you want my help?" The question resonated in the air for a moment. Kaz was going to help her? Aria let a few beats of silence pass. Would it be selfish to say yes? Aria swallowed hard. Did he want to help her?

"Do you want to help me?"

Kaz nodded.

"Then help me."

Kaz pulled his gloves off and set them on his lap. Aria swallowed thickly at the sight. His hands were corded muscle, veins protruding. She could study them all she wanted now and then in days time she'd keep the memory. She may never see them again. One of his hands slowly grabbed her bare arm—she felt her breath hitch. Kaz picked up a piece of cloth and tipped the contents of his flask onto it. He let the cloth ghost over her wound before he gently pressed it against the wound. Aria hissed as Kaz wiped the blood away, the burning almost as bad as the cauterizing. He kept the cloth there and wrapped another around it, and tied it once and then twice.

When he moved to the second gash, his movements were more precise, like he'd gotten the hang of it. When Kaz finished, his hand hadn't left her arm yet. His eyes found hers. "You said there was no safe in Ketterdam," Aria stated. A small line formed between Kaz's brows. Aria pushed herself off the ground stood. Kaz did the same, looking down at her.

"What?" He rasped.

"But this is where I found you. I don't need a safe house, Kaz. I don't need a home, or a Saint. No weapons or armor." Aria said, watching as his chest rose and fell. "Kaz Brekker, you're my safe. I've no need for anything else when I have you." She confessed.

Kaz looked down at his hand before he slowly went to place at her waist, looking for approval. He found it in her eyes, sharp and lost in his own. He pulled a little closer. He craned his neck down, and she could feel his breath on her bare neck. Aria let out a shaky breath. She felt his lips brush against her skin, blood rushed to her cheeks. "I won't always be around to protect you," Kaz began, his lips making the barest contact with her. "But I won't let him hurt you again—I'll destroy him for what he did to you. To us."

Aria could've shook at the rasp in his tone, but she didn't falter. "Do not make promises you cannot keep, Kaz Brekker."

"Are you questioning my abilities?" He murmured, moving back to look at her. This was the closest they'd ever been.

"Never. What do you want when this all over? If this ever ends," Aria asks.

Kaz stared into her eyes, trying to find something. He wasn't sure what he was looking for. His eyes flickered over her features. "I want..." he stopped short, swallowing hard. This time, Kaz was the one faltering.

"I want you." He spoke.

"Then you'll have me." Aria stated.

The two practically jumped as Jesper stuck his head out the window. "You two have to come see this," he said, before he realized what he'd just barged in on. Kaz picked up his flask and marched to the window, climbing in. Jesper turned to watch Kaz and then looked back to Aria. Aria picked up her discarded cloths and walked to the window, smacking Jesper's arm. "I'm sorry! Did you think I was expecting that?"

Aria shook her head and climbed into the hotel room, making a beeline for the bathroom. She shut herself in there and braced herself on the edge of the counter, trying to compose herself. Had that really just happened? Aria shook her head and looked at herself. So tired, and so dirty. Aria sighed and turned the sink on, trying to wash her shirt of the blood. While it dried, Aria took a cloth to the grime and dried blood on her skin. She used one of the small disposable wooden teeth combs to tame her hair, tying it up. If she was going to die tonight, the least she could is look a little bit presentable. Aria didn't really think she was going to die, but the worry still settled in her stomach.

Aria pulled her blouse over her head and exited the bathroom, falling onto the plush loveseat near the window next to Wylan. A plate of waffles was balanced on his knee and when he turned to her, Aria took a couple of them, practically shoving them into her mouth. She hadn't realized she was this hungry until she was reaching for more. "What exactly happened to you?" Jesper asked to Inej, who nursed a cup in her hands.

"I made a new acquaintance," she said.

Aria cocked a brow.

"So, other than Inej making a new pal, what the hell happened out there?" He asked.

"Let's see," said Nina. "Inej fell twenty stories."

"We put a serious hole in my father's dining room ceiling," Wylan said with a grin.

"Nina can raise the dead," Inej stated.

Matthias dropped his cup against the saucer, it look ridiculous in his large hands. He choked. "What?" He gawked.

"I can't raise them. I mean, they get up, but it's not like they come back to life. I'm not totally sure." Nina admitted.

"Are you serious?" Jesper asked.

Inej nodded. "I can't explain it, but I saw it."

Matthias' brown was furrowed in thought. "When we were in the Ravkan quarter, you were able to summon those pieces of bone."

Jesper took a gulp of coffee and leaned back. "But what about the lake house? Were you controlling the dust?"

Aria frowned. "What dust?"

"She didn't just take out the guard, she choked him with a cloud of dust." Jesper stated.

Wylan hummed. "There's a family graveyard next to the Hendriks lake house," he said. "What if the dust was...well, bones? People's remains."

Nina grimaced. "That's almost enough to make me lose my appetite. Almost," she said.

────────────────

 Aria frowned. "Saints," she breathed.

 One by one, they'd climbed up to the clock tower—now, they stared down at Ketterdam. Aria could see the plume of smoke from Black Veil island. Their temporary home was gone. "Specht says they've closed down the harbors and shut down the browboats," Kaz stated, hands resting on the edge of the onlook. "They're sealing the city. No one will be able to get in or out." He said, looking back to his crew. Aria moved to stand at the edge, wind catching her hair and blowing through it. It was bitter cold and dark. From here, Ketterdam looked so minuscule. Aria knew it was a ticking time bomb and the only victims would most likely be them. She knew that down below, angry people held the posters of her face and craved that bounty for her head.

"Ketterdam won't stand for that," said Inej. "People will riot."

Aria shook her head. "They won't be blaming Van Eck."

Wylan slumped. "They'll blame us."

Jesper shook his head. "Even if they put every stadwatch grunt in the street, they don't have the manpower to lock up the city and search for us."

"Don't they?" asked Kaz. "Look again."

Aria and Jesper walked to the west-facing down where Kaz stood. Aria let out a noise. "All the Saints and your Aunt Eva," Jesper said on a gust of breath. A crowd was moving east from the Barrel towards the Zelver district. "Is it a mob?" Inej asked, looking to the others.

"More like a parade," Kaz stated.

"Why aren't the stadwatch stopping them?" Wylan asked the flood of people moved. "Why are they letting them through?" His tone changed to a little more frantic.

"Probably because your father told them to," Kaz said.

The crowd drew closer, chanting and singing. They streamed past the hotel and made their way to the square near the Exchange. The Dime Lions lead the pack—followed by the Razorgulls and the Liddies, behind them were the Pointers and Black Tips. "It's all of them," said Kaz, propping his hands on his cane.

"The purple bands, what does it mean?" asked Kuwei, referring to the bands each member of the flood wore on their bicep.

"They've been deputized," said Kaz. "Specht says word is out all over the Barrel. The good news is they want us alive now—even Matthias. The bad news is they've added bounties for the Shu twins we're traveling with, so Kuwei's face—and Wylan's—are gracing the city walls too."

"And your Merchant Council is just sanctioning this?" Matthias asked. "What if they start looting or there's a riot?"

Kaz shook his head. "They won't. Rollins knows  what he's doing. If the stadwatch had tried to lock down the Barrel, the gangs would have turned on them. Now they're on the right side of the law, and Van Eck has two armies. He's pinning us in," Kaz stated.

Aria drew in a sharp breath, finger pointing to the crowd. The Dregs—their gang followed the flood. They'd turned their back on their own. Jesper slammed his fist against the wall. "Those ungrateful skivs," he growled.

Aria felt hot angry tears pool at her waterline. She'd leaned on them for years. And after all of it, they turn their backs just like that? Her jaw clenched at the sight of them marching down towards the square. She turned on her heel, brows knitted in anger. Everyone turned to her, as if expecting her to say something. She slumped. "Jesper's right. They're fink pieces of shit," she spat. "We're our own gang now. And that's all we need. That's what's important."

"What are we called? A gang has to have a name," Jesper said.

Aria didn't expect to have to make a name. "The Crows," she stated. Jesper nodded in approval. "They'll hunt us until we're dead but I'm not dying tonight." she said on a gust of breath.

"What do we do now?" asked Kuwei.

"Hunt us until we're found. There's no way out of Ketterdam now. Certainly not with you in tow," Kaz said, looking at Kuwei.

"Can we just wait?" asked Kuwei. "Here? With Mister Fahey?"

Kaz scoffed. "Wait for what? Someone to come to our rescue?"

Jesper rested his head against the stained glass. "My father. They'll take him in too. He'll be accused of harboring fugitives."

"No," Kuwei exclaimed. "No. Give me to Van Eck."

"Absolutely not," Nina protested.

Kuwei jumped up. "You saved me from the Fjerdans. If we do not act, then I will be captured anyway."

"Then all of this was for nothing?" Wylan asked. "The risks we took? What we accomplished at the Ice Court? Everything Inej and Nina suffered to get us out?" Aria was surprised by Wylan's anger. "It can't be for nothing."

Kuwei nodded. "If I give myself up to Van Eck, then the rest of you can go free."

Jesper frowned. "It doesn't work that way. Pekka's got his chance to take out Kaz with the rest of the Barrel backing him, and Van Eck sure as hell doesn't want us walking around free, not knowing what we do. This isn't just about you anymore," Jesper stated.

Kuwei groaned and slumped down against the wall. "You should have killed me at the Ice Court."

Nina shrugged. "But then Kaz would have killed me and Matthias would have killed Kaz and it would have gotten incredibly messy."

"I can't believe we broke out of the Ice Court but now we're trapped in our own town," Aria said, shaking her head. "We're fuc—"

"I can get the stadwatch to stand down," Kaz stated.

"No," Aria spat.

"I'll give myself up." said Kaz.

"But Kuwei—" said Nina.

"The stadwatch don't know about Kuwei. They think they're looking for Wylan. So I'll them is dead. I'll tell them I killed him." Kaz said.

"Are you out of your mind? They'll send you to the gallows," Aria snapped.

"They'll have to give me a trial first."

Matthias shook his head. "You'll rot in prison before that ever happens. Van Eck will never give you the chance to speak in a courtroom."

"You really think they've built a cell that can hold me?" Kaz asked.

Aria shook her head in anger. "He knows how good you are with locks—you'll die before you reach the cell, Kaz."

"This is ridiculous. You're not taking the fall for us. No one is. We'll split up. Well go in pairs, find a way past the blockades, and hide out somewhere in the countryside." Aria had wanted to get away—but not like this.

"This is my city," Kaz growled. "I'm not leaving it with my tail between my legs."

Jesper let out a groan of frustration. "If this is your city, what's left of it? You gave up your shares in the Crow Club and Fifth Harbor. You don't have a gang anymore. Even if you did escape, Van Eck and Rollins would sic the stadwatch and half the Barrel on you again. You can't fight them all."

"Watch me," said Kaz.

"Damn it, Kaz! What are you always telling me? Walk away from a losing hand." Jesper spat.

"I'm giving you an out. Take it," said Kaz.

"Why are you treating us like a bunch of yellow-bellied skivs?" Jesper asked.

Kaz turned on him. "You're the one getting ready to bolt, Jesper. You just want to run with you so you don't have to feel bad about it. For all your love of a fight, you're always the first to talk about running for cover."

"Because I want to stay alive, Kaz." Jesper replied.

"For what?" Kaz snapped towards him. "So you can play another hand at the tables? So you can find another way to disappoint your father and let down your friends? Have you told your father you're the reason he's going to lose his farm? Have you told Inej you're the reason she almost died at the end of Oomen's knife? That we all almost died?"

Jesper falter but he didn't back down. "I made a mistake. I let my bad get the best of my good, but for Saints' sake, Kaz, how long are you going to make me pay for a little forgiveness?"

"What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?" Kaz snapped loudly.

"Who the hell is Jordie?"

For a split second, Kaz's face went slack, almost confused. He looked almost scared. It was gone when she blinked. Aria wondered if it actually even happened. Jordie.

"What do you want from me?" Kaz snarled. He looked as cruel as ever. "My trust? You had it and shot it to pieces because your couldn't keep your loud mouth shut."

"One time. How many times have I had your back in a fight? How many times have I gotten it right? Doesn't that count for anything?" Jesper asked, throwing up his hands. "I can't win with you. No one can."

Kaz almost smiled. "That's right. You can't win. You think you're a gambler but you're just a born loser. Fights. Cards. Boys. Girls. You'll keep playing until you lose, so for once in your life, just walk away."

Then, Jesper swung.

Aria took an instinctive step back, pushing Wylan with her. Jesper and Kaz slammed into the wall, knocking heads and grabbing and pulling. Wylan looked to Aria, expecting her to say or do something—but he only found the amused look in her eyes. She pushed Wylan further, allowing the boys to have room. They slammed into the clock mechanism and tried to right their movements. It wasn't a fight—it was a brawl of graceless movements and a tangle of their limbs and anger.

"Someone stop them!" Wylan cried out in desperation.

"Jesper hasn't shot him," said Nina.

"Kaz isn't using his cane," said Inej.

Wylan scoffed. "You think they can't kill each other with their bare hands?"

Both of them were bleeding—Jesper's lip was bleeding and Kaz's brow dropped with a gash. Jesper's shirt was halfway over his head and Kaz's sleeve was tearing at the seam. Behind them, the trapdoor lifted—Colm went red with anger.

"Jesper Llewellyn Fahey, that is enough!"

Jesper and Kaz both looked startled, they dropped one another and formed looks of guilt. "Just what is going on here? I thought you two were friends!"

Jesper rubbed his neck. "We...uh, had a disagreement."

Colm blew air out from his nose. "I can see that. I have been very patient with all of this, Jesper, but I am at my lift. I want you down here before I count ten or I will tan your hide so don't you sit for two weeks."

When Colm disappeared below, the silence was deafening. Then Nina laughed loudly. "You are in so much trouble."

Jesper scowled. "Matthias, Nina let Cornelis Smeet grope her bottom!" He said.

"I'm going to turn your teeth inside out." Nina spat.

"That is physically impossible," said Jesper.

"I just raised the dead. Do you really want to argue with me?" Nina warned.

Inej cocked her head to the side. "Jesper Llewellyn Fahey?"

"Shut up! It's a family name," said Jesper.

Inej bowed solemnly. "Whatever you say, Llewellyn."

Jesper looked to Kaz. "Kaz?"

They all turned to Kaz, who was looking back out the opening. They knew that look.

"Is that—" started Wylan.

"Scheming face?" Aria asked.

"Definitely." Matthias confirmed.

"I know how to do it," Kaz stated. "How to get Kuwei out, get the Grisha out, get our money, beat Van Eck and give that son of a bitch Pekka Rollins everything he has coming to him."

Aria cocked a brow. "Is that all?"

"How?" asked Inej.

"This whole time, we've been playing Van Eck's game. We've been hiding. We're done with that. We're going to stage a little auctio'z right out in the open," he turned to the face them, his Crows. "And since Kuwei is so eager to sacrifice himself, he's going to be the prize." He grinned, teeth like a shark.

Aria gawked at him. "Are you crazy?"

"I'd be happier if I was," Kaz smiled.

emma / 2023
edited: 05/29/23