QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:

"The past is never where you think you left it."

― Katherine Anne Porter

Dedication: @Lonelia (for her countless support from the beginning)

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CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Next day, at lunch, I startle when it is Richard who sits beside me instead of Calvin.

Last night hasn't been awkward. Perhaps Sue soothened the tense air between me and Calvin, and we finally had to mingle and talk more. I know things aren't going to be as it was for a while but at least, he tries to behave the same as before and so do I. He is my best friend. I remember how silly it would sound a few months ago, to call someone my best friend. To consider someone my friend whatsoever but now, I know Calvin is a big part of my life I'm never ready to let go of. He has changed me and I've changed him, too. Of course, I am still Jack - the rude, sarcastic and bad-mouthed - but I carry a bit of Jacqueline as well. Did Calvin really find my lost long sister? I thought she would never come back.

On the other hand, he became more independent and less a puppy. I recall the times we've met and how he was so into Richard's friendship. I made him see the flaws of him and he opened his eyes. I don't know if it's better off - them apart. But what I know is we cannot do anything to erase what's happened.

Richard, right now, drops his tray on the table and against my nervous glance at him, he smirks, tucking a grape into his mouth. "Hey Pierce," he says, chewing and gulping it down.

"Hi," I reply, a questioning and angry tone evident in my tone. "What are you doing here?"

"Eating," he answers after he has taken a bite of his sandwich. He is clearly playing the dumb and by judging the way his lips quirk up, he is quite enjoying it, too.

"Oh," I gasp fakely, "sorry, I didn't see that." I grasp his arm and squeeze it. "I don't want to be around you."

He arches an eyebrow, dropping his sandwich on the tray and averting his gaze on me. "I thought we passed that level - we are friends, aren't we?"

"No," I snap, "we've just hung around twice. Once because of me and once because of you. We are even and I don't want to do anything with you again."

He sighs. "Aren't you tired of being the tough girl?"

I laugh, looking at him in disbelief. "Do you think I'm playing, huh? I am honest."

"Hey guys." We both turn our look at Calvin who looks at us with a smile on his face - I know he is confused but he is good at hiding it. "Erm, is everything okay, Jack?" He sits before me and I quickly nod, avoiding Ric's gaze. He shouldn't have seen us together - we aren't hanging out with Ric. At least Cal doesn't know. "What are you doing here, Ric?"

Ric opens his mouth but I kick his leg under the table, answering for him. "He is eating with me - keeping me company."

"Oh." There is a meaningful look on Calvin's eyes. "I didn't know you are friends."

"We are," Ric replies contently, "for a while, we have been."

"At school though," I chime in, "nothing more." Calvin nods dumbfoundedly, turning his focus on his meal and starting to eat. I spare a glance from Ric - I know I've just sounded so suspicious. Ric smiles at me though. I bet he enjoys how awkward and nervous I become around Calvin.

What Calvin Gilmore does to me is beyond the words.

We eat our not-so-tasty lunch meal in stiff silence. Sometimes, when I lift my gaze, I notice Calvin's eyes flickering on me and I know he is confused and pissed off of the situation we are in. I owe him an explanation but I don't even know what to explain. Or how.

This is why I don't open my mouth for several minutes on the way home, walking with Cal. He's asked me why Ric is around me and I just stare at him before opening my mouth to say something but shutting it back due to lack of words.

"Jack, did you hear me?" He asks again, with a confused tone. "I didn't know you were friends with Richard. You've never told me - or I didn't see you two at school together."

I let out a dry, breathy laugh. "You know how he is, he likes to exaggerate. He only sat beside me during literature classes." It is somewhat true because it all started with that. But I can't find the courage or will to elaborate further about how we've hung out twice in weird places and even weirder situations. I've given him advice about his nerd crush and he's listened to me about Calvin and me. Basically, a simple friendship started to blossom between us but I don't think it is necessary for Calvin to know. He is just going to confuse him - he won't understand. He will think there is something more between us because Richard totally gives the bad boy vibes off and no one would think he can be actually a great friend - only a friend.

"Okay," he hums, his eyes fixed on the ground. We are passing by a coffee shop I've only come like twice but I know its coffee is really tasty. So without thinking, I find myself saying the following: "Let's drink coffee."

His eyes dart on me with surprise. "Here?" He glances inside the coffee shop. He stares at the name for a while. "Kah - what?"

I smile at his confusion. It is a Turkish coffee shop, that I've heard that is famous in Turkey. Their coffee is really good, and my favourite is Turkish coffee with gum mastic. "I can't pronounce it either but it's something related to coffee."

He looks at me airily. "Oh, really?" By his tone, I realise he is actually kidding. I roll my eyes as I grab his hand and yank him into the shop. It isn't so crowded but there are a few tables full. I immediately focus on the table at the back corner of the shop, and pull him with me through there.

Simultaneously, I feel the warmth against my hand - although I held it with an innocent purpose, as the warmth gets more and his grip gets tighter, I can't help thinking about that hot spot of my hand. We sit on the table, hand in hand and I feel so awkward withdrawing my hand from his. He looks at me, and smiles softly. "So," he cuts off the tension, "since you've dragged me here, you'll recommend me something to try." His eyes wander around the shop in the meantime.

"Dragged you here? You were dying to spend time with me."

"Whatever," he mutters. I snicker at his nervousness. "Tell me something to drink or eat." He is looking down at his menu.

I spare my glance from mine and look at him. "Hmm, I highly recommend Turkish coffee."

"Isn't it bitter? I don't really like coffee at all." He grimaced.

I chuckle. "Well, kind of. But I like it."

"I'll have hot chocolate," he says. "Let's hope it's good enough."

"If you are going to be a whiny baby about it, we can go elsewhere."

"No," he firmly answers, then giving the orders to the waiter. "Hot chocolate and," - he glances at me - "What do you want?"

"Turkish coffee with gum."

The waiter writes them down on his small notebook, nodding simultaneously and smiles before he hurries away.

"Richard or me?"

I dart my eyes on him shockedly, trying to acknowledge the meaning beneath his words for a short while. Has he just asked me to compare him and Ric? Seriously? "What?"

"You heard me," he uncomfortably says. His eyes are fixed on the table, and his cheeks a little flushed. He looks furious but I gather by the way he looks that it's because he has asked such a question in the first place.

"I am not going to answer," I deadpan, crossing my arms.

He finally looks at me. "Why?" There is a concrete anger in his tone.

"Because it's just nonsense. You should know the answer by now."

"You cannot blame me if I want to hear it from your mouth."

"Of course, you," I answer, looking down. "You are my best friend." The word 'best friend' has become a safe word for me - like it builds a barrier between me and Calvin such in a way that he's not going to pass through. Or even dare to.

"Who is he? For you?"

"Calvin, are we really going to waste our time together for an asshole?" I ask.

"Okay," he sighs, "you are right."

Meanwhile, the waiter comes and serves our drinks. This creates a blank page - like the previous conversation has never happened. But also a pregnant silence that both of us only drink our drinks. The shop is so silent and I can actually hear him drink his hot chocolate. I want to take a step and start a new conversation but I don't know where to start. So, I ask the first question that comes to my mind at that instant, "What're you going to do tomorrow?" I take a sip from my coffee and gulp down the bitter coffee taste - it is a bit softened with the effect of gum.

He thinks for a second, "Nothing specific. Why?"

"Mum wanted to invite you for dinner." Lie. "Erm, so how does tomorrow sound?" I know Mum will be super happy to welcome him.

He smiles a bit. "Okay. What time?"

"What about six?"

"Well, seven. I'll be there at seven."

"Good. Seven sounds good."

Another silence creeps in, rendering me speechless once again. I dwell on my words before talking, just not to hurt Calvin because whatever comes to my mind is so sarcastic. For example, the next moment, when he says the following, I can't help blurting out what I've just said.

"You're weird," he mutters, drinking the last bit of his hot choco.

"It's what you've fallen for," I say. It's just so wrong - it sounds so wrong to say to someone you've recently rejected. But I am Jack and this is how my mind works - either cuss or sarcasm. I can't help it.

However, his mouth takes the shape of a thin line, totally shutting up. I want to apologise but I don't know what to apologise either because it is somewhat true. It is (sort of) why he's attracted to me.

"I didn't mean it like that." I exactly meant it like that.

"It's okay," he says. "You are right." I eye him suspiciously and he sends a soft, heartbreaking smile.

"Calvin, you know I can't help being sarcastic so if it hurts you, just tell me." It is scary how much I do care about him.

He chuckles. "It's okay, Jack. I am fine. I'm not going to break just because you rejected me, right?" He looks at me. "I won't. I will be fine, don't worry. You're right - friendship is better for both of us."

Neither of us keep further. It feels like there is someone between our words and they cut them shorter and shorter until they are no words to utter. I've used to have lots of things to say and Calvin used to talk more. I even miss snarling at him and saying fuck off, actually never meaning it. I liked to know that someone would be there for me no matter how hard I pushed him. I know Calvin would be there for me, right now, but nothing feels the same anymore. I created a massive distance between us - or it was him. It was when he confessed his interest in me. Why did he have to make things harder for both of us? "Why did you have to tell me that you like me?" Because I deserve to know.

He looks at me, bemused. When I don't answer and only look intently, he figures out I'm serious. "Oh, I - I don't like to keep things inside. I don't know, Jack, it was actually," - he sighs - "I thought you were feeling the same. Now, I get I got the wrong vibes." He lets a breathy laugh. "I am sorry, I wouldn't risk our friendship - I can't lose you, okay? I'm going to supress and get over them eventually."

I nod, looking away. "Good."

I've lost track of how many times we've been cut off by silence. It's a struggle. I am throwing stones into the void, into a well I don't see the bottom of. I am running away from the thoughts collected inside my head. I know they'll find me, they'll bring me to bay. I will have no room to escape. But till then, I am postponing the manifest ending.

"Jacqueline." I snap my head towards the voice. Lauren. What the fuck is she doing here?

"Lauren," I breathe, the shock in my voice evident.

She smiles at me, her eyes instantaneously darting on Calvin. "Long time, no see."

What was the saying? Your past never leaves you alone.

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