Song: What A Catch, Donnie // Fall Out Boys

•••

I was born twelve years after Dylan was.

While all my friends described the family vacations they took, and how much fun they'd had with their siblings, I was stuck with an older brother who didn't seem to care much about my existence. No. While they went on about the childhood they shared; the childhood filled with fun, happiness, and the occasional tears, I silently sat and listened to them.

The truth was, I didn't have good memories with Dylan before I turned fourteen.

We were never close.

I always tried my best to befriend him. I'd ask him to join me as I played with whatever toys I had as a child, or try and convince him to take me out to wherever he was going, but alas, he always pushed me away. Papa would sometimes force him to take me with him, much to his dismay, but Dylan never tried to include me in whatever it was he was doing.

When he went to the arcade, he'd dump me off at the soft play area and tell me to stay there until he was done. If he was just hanging out with his friends at the park, I'd have to trail in front of them and try my best not to embarrass him.

Truth be told, the only memories I had with Dylan when papa was still alive was of him tormenting me. He'd rip off the heads of my barbie dolls, although he should've been mature by that age, or toss food at me during our family dinners. I tried my best to befriend him, even though I didn't have to because he was my brother, but my efforts always went to waste.

Until the age of thirteen, the only family member I had who actually acknowledged my presence was papa. He was the one who'd see how bored I was without a sibling to play with and offer to teach me how to play chess, or UNO, or any board game that existed. He was the one who took me to the park so I could learn how to ride a bike, or so I could play with the other kids there.

I didn't have much friends until I turned nine. That was when I completely gave up on trying to hang out with Dylan– it had become an unspoken rule between us to avoid each other. I didn't like the way he treated me– how he'd dismiss me without any reason and push me around. So I made a vow not to treat people the way he treated me unless they really deserved it. I would never dismiss people and they would never dismiss me.

That's where my confidence stemmed from– my brother's refusal to treat me as his sibling. As Dylan and I completely cut each other off, my self-esteem slowly grew, and so did my confidence. Nobody disrespected me at school, not even my teachers, because I simply didn't let them. Nobody was allowed to kick me around the way Dylan did.

Papa, of course, was proud of the change in the way I carried myself. He was my number-one supporter. He didn't question me when I suddenly asked to revamp my wardrobe after taking an interest in fashion. He always encouraged me to be the best version of myself I could be, but he didn't like how it took cutting off my ties with Dylan to inspire the change.

Whenever Dylan came home from university, papa would always push us to go somewhere together. Dylan would protest and I'd just roll my eyes at his childish behavior. If papa wanted me to go out with Dylan, I would, because there was nothing I hated more than disappointing him. That's how I first met Nick and Isaac– papa practically forced my brother to take me with him, and Nick decided to bring Isaac with him to keep me company.

But then papa died and Dylan suddenly took an interest in me.

When papa died, I fell into a depressive state. I was suddenly hit with the reality that I had no one. Dylan and I didn't care for each other, my friends at school were mostly superficial, and I had no other family members to take care of me. Maintaining my self-esteem and confidence became a task, and it took a lot of effort to keep my head held high.

Dylan became my legal guardian and the house felt tense because of the shift in dynamic. He started asking about my day, friends, and whether or not I wanted to join him for lunch. Where was this five years ago, when I actually wanted an older brother?

I hated how it took dad dying for Dylan to finally fucking notice me.

He started doing things he didn't have to, though. Like pick me up from school every week to take me out for food, or let me play my music in his car. By our first visit from CPS, I started to realize how tired Dylan must have been from the new life he was thrown into. He was the one being pushed around this time but by life rather than a person.

So, in an effort to try and make it easier for him, I tried to rid myself of the apathy I felt towards him. He didn't deserve to feel the way he did, and I didn't need to make it harder on him. So I tried to spend more time with the only family member I had left, and the more time we spent together, the tighter our bond got.

We developed a mutual understanding towards each other. We only had each other to rely on; to come through when we needed a pick-me-up.

And sometimes, the lack of memories before papa's death didn't matter because the memories we built were better than what I could have ever hoped. All I wanted was a brother, and I got one.

I just wish it didn't take papa dying for us to realize we needed each other.

•••

When I told Leo he was going to see Céline and Cody again, he started bouncing off the walls with excitement. The last time we visited home was a year and a half ago, and Leo was too young to remember anything. I got a promotion then, and I couldn't come back home anymore given how busy work kept me.

The only way to stop him from running around the house was by using that stupid iPad I'd taken away from him. Put that thing in front of him, and he forgot everything. Isaac dropped me off at home before going back to the training facility which left me with enough time to call Lili and update her on everything happening. She promised me everything would run smoothly while I was away which eased my worries because I trusted her the most to run the magazine during my absence.

I never called Dylan or Rose to tell them I was coming home, and I knew I had some time before either would get home from work. My brother told me he signed up his kids for some 'winter camp' which kept them occupied until he finished up at the office. He took them home, made dinner, then waited for Rose to get back from the hospital so that they can eat.

I booked three seats next to each other. I sat next to the window, Leo in the middle, and Isaac by the aisle. Leo fell asleep on Isaac's lap thirty minutes into the trip, courtesy of the sleep medicine I slipped into his juice, and Isaac was asleep, hands crossed over his chest, given he was tired from training. That left me with my thoughts.

I couldn't sleep last night. Whenever I closed my eyes, an image of the robbery would flash across my eyelids, and that was enough to wake me the fuck up. My brain whirled with thoughts of the lawsuit, Adam and Leo.

Fuck, I hoped Dante was a good lawyer. I trusted papa, and papa seemed to trust him.

The two boys slept for the entire flight, and I woke them up as we landed. I didn't speak a word to either of them as we waited for our luggage or sat in the cab as it drove us to my home. Isaac never commented on my silence, instead chose to keep Leo occupied as he asked a bunch of questions about his cousins.

Adam, custody, losing.

Adam, custody, losing.

Adam, custody, losing.

It was an earworm; a song that just would not get out of my head. All I could think about was Adam, how he treated me during our relationship, and how he went about ending it.

By the time we got home, it was nearing four o'clock. I didn't know when Dylan would be back, but that didn't stop me from entering my home. I dragged the suitcase that was filled with Leo and I's clothes to the staircase, ready to bring it up when Isaac stopped me.

"Amber, I'll bring those up later. Just go to sleep," He coaxed, prying the handle away from my tight grip.

"I have to call–" I started, running my hands through my hair when he cut me off.

"You need to rest, my love," He said, giving me a pointed look. "You look really tired. I'll take care of everything, just go upstairs and sleep."

I couldn't deny the fact that I was exhausted. So after shooting him and Leo a fleeting glance, I turned around and went up the stairs. My room looked organized, probably thanks to Dylan, and my bed was inviting.

So, as soon as my head hit the pillow, fatigue hit me like a wave, and I succumbed to it.

•••

Adam, custody, losing.

"Bee, hey, wake up," Somebody whispered.

"Tell you what, sweetheart–"

"It's just a dream, Bee," He said again, and I could feel the bed dip from my right. "Wake up."

"Pick one thing we won't take."

Leo, I wanted to say, don't take Leo away from me.

Somebody caressed my hair, "Bee, it's Dylan. Just open your eyes– everything will disappear as soon as you open your eyes."

Dylan.

Dylan could help; he always made sure I was safe.

My eyes fluttered open. I could see Dylan's blurry figure as I adjusted to the light. He continued to brush my hair with his fingers while I tried to take deep breaths. Calm down, it was just a dream, I repeated mentally. Dylan and I sat in silence– he continued brushing my hair and I worked on my breathing.

I glanced at him to find him already staring at me. When my eyes caught his, his frown turned into a soft smile, "Hey, Bee. Welcome home."

"Hi, Dyl," I whispered, my lips tugging into a smile. "I'm sorry for not telling you I was dropping by."

"Well, you should've seen how surprised I was to find Isaac raiding my kitchen while Leo sat on the counter and watched him," He joked, but I could tell the way his eyes glimmered with worry. "Thought I was imagining things until Cece and Cody started yelling."

I pushed myself up and scooted so I was sitting closer to Dylan, "I don't think he's eaten anything since yesterday."

"Have you?" He asked, eyes roaming my face for any signs of... well, I didn't know. I haven't had a nightmare around him since I was pregnant with Leo, and that was enough to scare him for a week or two. I shook my head and his smile wavered. "Come on, I'll make you a sandwich."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pushed me off the bed. Silently, we walked through the hallway, down the stairs, until we were in the kitchen. I didn't catch sight of Isaac, Leo, or my niece and nephews.

"Where is everyone?" I asked, taking a seat on the stool as Dylan pulled open the fridge.

"Isaac's out back teaching them how to play football," He replied, pulling out the ingredients he needed. "Last I saw, Cody and Leo tripped over the ball a good five times. Céline and Antoine, though, are getting the hang of it."

I nodded, my eyes flickering to the time displayed on the oven. It was six-thirty which meant I was knocked out for two hours and a bit. Dylan lay the ingredients in front of me and took a seat opposite me. I watched as he cut the baguette into two.

After he was done assembling it, he handed me one cold cut sandwich while he took the other, "Bon appetit."

I took a bite of the food and chewed on it as I stared down at the counter. I had yet to message Dante about my arrival, but I did send him the flight information last night, which meant he knew I was here. We had to arrange a meeting to discuss the case and the evidence he needed to gather. I also had to apologize to Isaac and Leo for completely ignoring them this morning; I haven't gone this long without talking to either of them since my son was born, and I didn't feel too great about it.

"So, you want to tell me why you decided to drop by for a visit?" Dylan asked, setting down his sandwich as he studied my face. "As much as I love having you around, it's been a while since you came over."

I swallowed my sandwich, feeling it clog up my throat, "Leo–" I cleared my throat, forcing the sandwich down. "I wanted to ask you if you can take care of Leo for a bit." I didn't even have to specify, he knew it would be for a while by the tone of my voice.

Dylan blinked, not having expected my request. Like him, I took pride in taking care of my kid without asking others for help, so it was unusual for me to ask someone to take care of Leo for a time longer than an hour or two.

"Of course I can," He exclaimed. "Do you think he'd like to attend the winter camp with the kids?"

I nodded, averting my gaze back down to the counter. Adam, custody, losing. I could feel Dylan's stare bear holes into the side of my face, but all I could think about was the fucking custody battle. Adam could not win and I had to make sure of it.

"What's this about, Bee?" He questioned, his voice soft and caring like it always was whenever I was in trouble and needed him.

I put my elbows on the countertop and dug the heels of my hands into my eyes, "Adam's out of prison," I informed him, the words filling my mouth with a bitter taste. I heard Dylan's sharp intake of breath. "He's filing for custody of Leo."

"The fucker is out?" He breathed, his tone laced with venom and anger. "I thought he had a few years–"

"Good behavior," I scoffed, explaining why he got out of prison early. I dragged my hands down my face so that they cupped my chin and opened my eyes so I could look at my brother. His figure was stiff and he seemed ready to break something. He was squeezing the sandwich in his hand with all the power he could muster.

"And Leo? How does he know about him?"

"A video of me went viral, apparently, and Leo was in it," I explained, feeling exasperated by the entire ordeal. "Not to mention how the paparazzi have been following me ever since I went out with Isaac."

His fingers went through the baguette as his eyes blazed with fury I've never seen before, "So he saw him and assumed he was his and filed for custody, despite the fact he just got out of prison?" He seethed, dropping the sandwich onto the counter. "What a ballsy fucker."

I swallowed thickly, feeling like the food was still stuck in my throat, "Yeah," I whispered. He was a ballsy fucker, wasn't he? "I just don't want Leo to witness everything go down."

"What do you mean? He's not actually expecting you to grant him custody, right?" He asked through gritted teeth. "He's not a fucking idiot, yeah?"

I breathed out a breath of air laced with my anxiety and frustrations, "He has a court date set for the twenty-fourth. I told his attorney that I wasn't willing to accept the eighty-twenty custody deal he offered."

"How nice of him," He snorted, sarcasm dripping off his tongue. "Did you hire a lawyer?"

"Dante," I rasped out, feeling the beginnings of a headache with the thought of the court date. The logistics of the entire ordeal; the evidence we'd have to gather that Adam was an unfit guardian; actually facing him again.

Fuck, my head felt like it was about to burst.

Dylan nodded, having already worked with Dante before when it came to inheriting the company and gaining custody of me, "And the trial? Where is that going to take place?"

I slipped my hands into my hair, feeling the need to tug them out of their follicles, "It's a private trial. It's going to be me, him, and our lawyers in front of a judge. It's happening a town over, though, since Leo was born in this country." I explained, closing my eyes with the hope that it would bring me some sort of comfort– it didn't. "Why the fuck is this happening to me?"

Don't cry– yesterday and the day before was enough. He wasn't worth my fucking tears.

At the sound of my shaky voice, Dylan hopped off his stool and rounded the counter, through the doorway, to come to stand behind me. He grabbed the stool I sat on and twirled it so my elbows slipped off the countertop and I faced him. I stared up at my brother feeling tears well up in my eyes for what felt like the thousandth time this week, and he pulled me up before engulfing me in a hug.

"Do you want me to come with you?" He whispered into my hair while I breathed in his scent. Dylan always had a way of calming me down quickly. Maybe it was his hugs or the way he smelled, but I always felt safe with my older brother.

I shook my head into his chest, forcing my tears to go back in after one trailed down my cheek, "No," I mumbled. "Isaac's coming with me, it's fine. I just really need you to take care of Leo while I'm away– I don't know how long I'm leaving for. Dante said it can be anywhere from a day to three."

"I'll do whatever you want me to," He assured, tightening his grip on me before pulling away. "But I'm going to need daily updates from you until this entire thing is over, okay?"

I sniffled and nodded in understanding, "Thank you, Dyl."

"Good news, Dill Pickle," Isaac yelled from down the hallway. I could hear the patter of multiple footsteps as they approached the kitchen. "Your kids will grow up to become football legends. The bad news is, they might have hurt themselves..." He trailed off once he walked into the kitchen. I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped any tears away from my face before giving him a shaky smile.

"Mama!" Leo exclaimed, jumping out from behind Isaac to come and greet me. "I kicked the ball into the goal."

I averted my gaze from Isaac, who was now sporting a frown, to my son, who was gesturing for me to pick him up. I complied with his wishes and eyed his figure for any injuries. Despite his dirty clothes, he didn't seem as if he had a scratch on him.

A wide smile etched itself onto my face, "Really?" I gasped bouncing him once. "That's great. I'm so proud of you, mon cher."

"Mhm!" He hummed, growing excited by my display of enthusiasm. "Isaac was the goalie, and he didn't catch the ball."

I glanced at Isaac. He smiled lightly at Leo's recollection of their game, "Did he now?" I asked rhetorically, my eyebrows raising at Isaac. He winked in my direction. "Well, I think this means you're better at football than he is."

Isaac's smile faltered, "Hey, hey, hey," He protested, pushing Dylan out of the way as he made his way towards us. "You're not supposed to lie to your children."

"You brought this guy–" Dylan interrupted, pointing at Isaac with a look of disbelief. "This guy, to provide you with moral support?"

"The fuck's that supposed to mean?" Isaac shouted, reeling back at his statement.

I chuckled under my breath, "Well, yeah," I replied shooting him a quick smirk. "He's my life-husband, isn't he?"

Dylan blinked, "Your what?" He exclaimed, eyes darting between me and Isaac before they fell on him in thin slits. "You're her what?"

Isaac stepped away from Dylan, "Listen, man, it's not what you think." He breathed through a nervous chuckle.

I mean, how could I not bring him along? Isaac understood me the best. He knew how I was feeling before I knew how I felt. Not to mention he was always there for me. Who was there to take my mind off work? Isaac. Who was there when I needed help with Leo? Isaac. Who was the one who stopped me from crying myself dry the past two days? Zachy-boy.

Plus, I didn't mind a bit of comedic relief every now and then.

•••

After explaining to Dylan that Isaac and I were in fact not married, he relaxed and went to give Céline and Cody a bath. While he was upstairs, Rose came home from work and was surprised to find the three of us lounging in her living room. I left Leo with Isaac again as she took me upstairs so I could give her the rundown. She promised me she'd take good care of Leo for me while Isaac and I were away.

She then said something about heating up the leftovers they had for dinner, and I let her go, deciding that I had to unpack Leo's clothes for him. The sandwich Dylan made was enough for me. Walking into my bedroom, a familiar sense of calmness washed over me as I dragged the suitcase into my closet. It was relatively empty given all my clothes were in Paris which meant that I didn't have to clear up an area for Leo.

Wanting to escape my thoughts for a bit, I took a seat on the floor where my suitcase lay open and pulled out all of Leo's clothes so they sat in three piles– casual, sports, and home. With my legs crossed over each other in a yoga pose, I started folding up his shorts so I could put them on a shelf. I'd packed enough clothes to last him a month, but that was the way I was. It also gave me a reason to sit in silence while I focused on one thing– organizing his clothes.

My thoughts weren't running rampant.

I was so focused on fitting Leo's tiny shirts into my hangers that I didn't notice a large figure standing by the closet's door. I continued humming a song under my breath as I tried to organize the clothes by their color. I didn't bother unpacking my things since I was going to leave in three days.

A knock on the door interrupted my progress. I glanced at the door to find Isaac leaning against the doorway, Leo in his arms. The two were watching me hang my son's clothes on the rods with amusement. Leo's hair was wet, and I could see some wet spots on the shirt the football player wore. I suddenly felt guilty for dumping my son on Isaac when he was my responsibility. I shouldn't have dismissed them the way I did because I was feeling anxious.

They didn't deserve that.

"Somebody missed his mommy," Isaac said in a childish tone. He bounced Leo once before tilting his head at him. I smiled at the sight of my baby and walked towards the two of them. Leo outstretched his arms and clenched then unclenched his fists, and I picked him up before hugging him tightly.

I inhaled the scent of his baby shampoo before kissing his head of hair, "Je suis désolée, mon cher," I whispered, smiling when he wrapped his tiny arms around my neck. "I'll never do it again." [I'm sorry, darling.]

"It's okay, mama," He replied, his voice high-pitched and happy like it always was.

My heart warmed at the statement, and I placed another kiss on his temple, "I love you, baby."

"Love you too, mama," He said, untangling his arms from around my neck to pat my cheeks with his hands that were about the size of my palm. I stared down at Leo, feeling overwhelmingly protective of him. Lord knows what Adam would do to him. He toyed with my emotions for years before leaving me with nothing but psychological damage– I couldn't let him do that to my child.

"Did Zachy give you a bath, mon cher?" I asked, eyes flickering to Isaac, who was watching our exchange attentively, before they settled back on my child.

He nodded enthusiastically, "There were so many bubbles!" He exclaimed excitedly, throwing his hands up in the air. "It was very fun."

My eyebrows rose. I looked at Isaac to find him giving me a sheepish look while rubbing his nape, "The bottle didn't specify how much of the liquid I had to put in, okay?" He mumbled, cheeks turning pink. "What matters is that the little man is squeaky clean now."

My lips tugged up into a genuine smile, and I couldn't help but throw an arm around his neck to pull him in for a hug. I had to stand on my tippy toes since the man was a walking skyscraper. He didn't have to do any of this, Leo wasn't his kid, but he still did.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you, Zachy," I muttered into his ear as he wrapped two arms around my waist. "You didn't deserve it."

"It's all good, my love," He replied squeezing me tightly before stepping away from the hug. His eyes fell on a grinning Leo, and he smiled down at his direction. Ruffling his hair, he said, "I got to spend the entire day with my favorite person in the entire world. We had a shitton of fun."

My smile widened as I glanced at Leo, who, if possible, was even happier with Isaac's proclamation. I kissed the side of his head again while Isaac took in my closet.

"So, you're capable of being organized?" He joked, looking at the color-coordinated section that held Leo's clothes. "Is being messy a choice?"

"Just needed to get my mind off everything," I said. Isaac's eyes fell on my face, specifically on the area under my eyes. He pursed his lips as he studied me, and I averted my gaze back to my son. Leo was silently perched on my hip, his head resting on my shoulder as his eyes drooped.

"Are you tired, mon cher?" I whispered into his hair. "Veux-tu dormir?" [Do you want to go to sleep?]

He nodded into the crook of my neck.

"Speaking of tired," Isaac started, eyes narrowing in on my dark circles. "Did you get any sleep last night? Or when I sent you up to take a nap?"

I thinned my lips, "Nightmares wouldn't let me." I muttered, turning around to dress Leo.

"Oh," He replied as I pulled out Leo's favorite pajamas. I set him down on the floor and asked him to remove his shirt. "Is there any way you can stop them? I know Nick has to play a specific song before he falls asleep so he wouldn't get them."

I faintly remembered Nick telling me he used to get nightmares of finding Isaac dead instead of passed out. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and assessed his figure. I've never actually spoken to him about his anorexia, or how rehab was for him. I never brought it up out of fear that I'd be poking and prodding at something I shouldn't be.

"I used to sneak into Dylan's room and sleep on his bed. That helped, but then he got married to Rose, and the thought of sleeping between the two made me feel stupid," I replied, pulling Leo's shirt over his head.

"Aww," He cooed, placing a palm over his chest. "Amby likes cuddles?"

"Fuck off," I grit out as I picked Leo up. His head settled into the crook of my neck. I rolled my eyes when Isaac pouted and I stepped around him to walk back into my room. I set Leo down on my bed but he started squirming.

"No," He protested, eyes wide now. "I want to sleep with Coco."

I sighed, "Leo, Cody might be very ti–"

"Please," He dragged out, jutting out his bottom lip– I couldn't say no to that fucking face, now could I?

"Okay," I breathed out, gesturing towards the door with a tilt of my head. With a random burst of energy, he jumped off the bed and ran out of my bedroom. I followed after him, and after making sure that Cody was okay with sharing his bed with Leo, I bade them both goodnight with a kiss on the forehead and left.

My exhaustion was slowly catching up to me, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep with all the thoughts running around my head. Not to mention I was scared of having another nightmare. I stopped in front of Dylan and Rose's bedroom, hesitating slightly before shaking my head.

You're an adult woman, fucking deal with it.

When I walked back into my room, I wasn't surprised to find Isaac laying down on my bed, phone in his hand as he scrolled through whatever it was he was checking.

"A new movie came out today," He said, tearing his gaze away from his phone. "Wanna watch it?"

If it meant not sleeping, I was down for anything.

"Sure," I replied walking into my closet to change into a pair of shorts and an oversized shirt. "Just give me a second to change, you already know the password to my laptop."

He nodded and stood up from my bed to retrieve my laptop from my desk. I walked into the closet, avoiding the mirrors so I wouldn't have to see how my stress, lack of sleep, and anxiety has done to my face. I pulled out one of Dylan's shirts from the shelf and a pair of shorts from my suitcase. I put them on and tied my hair up into a messy bun.

When I walked back into my room, Isaac already had the movie up and was waiting for me to join him. I crawled under my covers, my knees knocking with Isaac's as I got myself comfortable. I had my head on my pillow while Isaac sat up against the headboard. The laptop sat on the bed between the two of us.

"Oooh," I hummed, suddenly excited to watch the movie. "I've been waiting for this to come out for forever."

"I know," He said, leaning over to tap the spacebar. "You spammed my messages with the trailer, remember?"

Halfway through the movie, I started to grow really tired. My eyes kept fluttering shut, but I had to snap them back open to continue watching the movie. This reminded me of when Isaac came over the other day for movie night.

Suddenly, it dawned on me, "I know what you're doing," I mumbled sleepily, eyes still on the screen.

"What's that?" He asked, deciding to humor me.

"You did this last time," I said breathily. "To get me to fall asleep faster."

"Don't know what you're talking about," He clicked his tongue. "Why? Is it working?"

I didn't have the energy to roll my eyes, "Yeah," I whispered, rolling onto my side as my eyes fluttered shut. "Can you stay with me? I don't want to get another nightmare."

"Of course, my love," He said softly, voice mixing in with the movie's audio. "I'll be right here when you wake up."

"Merci, Zachy," I mumbled, pulling the covers up to my chin. I don't know if Isaac replied given how quickly I fell into a dreamless sleep, but I felt all my worries wash away with the thought of somebody sleeping next to me.

•••

– 26/07/20

What's up whores.

How are you guys?