Song: I'll Stand By You // The Pretenders

•••

TWO WEEKS LATER

When I was sixteen-years-old, I walked in on Rose and Dylan scrolling through a website on their laptop. As soon as they noticed my presence, they clicked off the website and pretended to be doing something else. They must have mistaken me for an idiot if they thought I didn't notice.

Dylan and Rose were both terrible liars.

So, being the curious little shit that I was, I turned on Dylan's laptop and put in the password, which was pretty easy to guess since his security question was 'Dreams?'. The answer was 'violin', which others wouldn't have guessed if they didn't know him as well as I did.

If they wouldn't tell me why they were acting off, I'd figure it out myself. I wanted them to spare me the bad acting and just tell me the truth.

I scrolled through his search history, only to find a bunch of baby-related things. I'm talking about the best obstetricians in the city, what diets women should follow if they're pregnant, and the occasional 'what every parent should know when expecting' article.

And that's how I found out that Rose was pregnant; that I was going to become an aunt. The soon-to-be parents never told me they were expecting. When I later asked why they never said anything at the start, Dylan hit me with the 'we just wanted to make sure everything was going smooth'.

I didn't comment on how that made no fucking sense. The only way to make sure your pregnancy was 'smooth' was to go through the entire experience then have the baby. If it were up to that logic, I would've never found out until Rose's bump started showing or when they had a baby in their arms.

The next morning, just to pull their legs, I started commenting on things that they've obviously changed to suit the 'pregnancy lifestyle'. For example, Rose, who usually only drank coffee for breakfast, was now having an actual meal prepared by Dylan.

Dylan prepared a plate of eggs and sausages for Rose. When he placed it on the counter, I took it and was ready to dig in when he stopped me.

"That's for Rose, Bee," He told me, pushing the plate in his wife's direction.

I furrowed my eyebrows and feigned confusion, "Why? Her breakfast usually consists of a cup of  coffee and a biscuit."

Dylan and Rose then looked at each other, and anybody could see the panic in their eyes. 'How would we explain this to her?' was something they were telepathically debating, and I found it hilarious that I could incite this much panic by just acting confused. Usually, Dylan would be able to tell whenever I was 'acting' (or lying), but expecting a child must've broken his detector.

"I'm just in the mood for eggs today, sweetheart," She decided to say with a soft voice.

I pretended to nod in understanding, "Something must've changed if you're deciding to have breakfast out of the blue."

I almost fell off my seat laughing when Rose chocked on the egg and widened her eyes in alarm. Dylan was instantly by his pregnant wife's side, patting her back to make sure she didn't die from asphyxiation. As much as I wanted to burst into laughter, I just feigned concern and asked her if she was alright. She just waved me off with a reassuring smile.

"Do you want me to make you a cup of coffee?" I asked innocently, batting my eyelashes. "Maybe it'll help you wash your breakfast down."

"No thank you, hun," She replied, choosing not to meet my eyes. They really didn't know how to play things off. Dylan chose not to intervene and decided that his phone was more interesting than the conversation we were having.

I then asked him if I could go to the mall with Dean, which instantly caught his attention. The guy interrogated me with the three Ws and H. Why, when, where, and how are you going. I answered all of his questions and he begrudgingly agreed. I texted Dean, and he said that he'll arrive with his driver. Thirty minutes later, I ignored Dylan's second round of questions and ran down the steps to greet Dean.

The driver drove us to the mall, where I took it upon myself to shop for baby clothes. Dean followed me around the maternity stores and helped me pick out adorable outfits, and when I felt like enough was enough, we had lunch. Dylan, being the annoying shit he was, called me every thirty minutes to check up on me. I turned off my phone to block his calls when he asked to speak to Dean.

After catching a movie with my then-boyfriend, he dropped me off at home and offered to walk me up. I could see Dylan's silhouette watching from the glass window beside the door, so I made a show of kissing Dean before telling him it was fine. To say the least, my brother was not amused by the public display of affection, but I ignored his complaints.

Later that night, after dinner, I gathered Rose and Dylan in the living room and gave them the bags of clothes I bought. It was like a reverse pregnancy announcement– I felt like I was telling them that they were pregnant. The two adults were obviously surprised at the sight of the baby clothes. Rose started crying when she held the article of clothing in her hands, something about them being 'tiny' while Dylan asked me how I found out.

Not wanting to face his wrath, I told him that it was pretty obvious by the way they were acting, and the man actually bought it. I spent the next eight months watching Rose's belly get bigger and her personality change. She got tired more easily, was slightly snappier than usual, and craved abnormal things at unusual times of the day. Dylan was by her side, obviously, catering to her every need.

I watched as they obsessed over the cribs and strollers. They spent so much time designing Antoine's nursery and they did literally everything together. Then, the baby came, and I was suddenly dragged into the mess. The screams, diapers, and temper tantrums were now something I also had to deal with.

Dylan told me that this was exactly how I was, but I didn't grow out of the crying stage until I was five– something about how papa loved babying me.

Rose's pregnancy was something difficult she had to endure, but she had Dylan to help her through everything. The baby had two parents looking after him.

Mine would only have one. Just like I did.

•••

If there's one thing someone should've warned me at the start of my pregnancy, it's that 'morning sickness' is very misleading. One doesn't only throw up in the morning; it's an endless cycle of eating and emptying.

After another visit to the obstetrician, I learned that my diet was improving, however, there were still some things wrong with my body. My blood pressure was abnormally high and there was a high level of protein in my urine. The doctor told me that I shouldn't worry, but this meant she'd have to monitor me closely.

She'd given me a list of things I should become more aware of. How frequent my headaches are, how often I throw up, and some other things that just didn't make any sense. Obviously, that did nothing but stress me out even more, but she assured me everything was fine and under control. She said my frequent visits was very responsible of me, and that helped calm me down.

Of course, I didn't necessarily tell Dylan of any of this. He had a big meeting he was stressing about, and I didn't want to worry him with my appointment. I was a grown-up, and I would deal with it as such.

Rose and I were planning on going out for lunch later today since we haven't had time to hang out, and I was looking forward to it. I loved spending time with her; she was like the mother-figure I never had growing up.

The bus came to a stop in what felt like the middle of nowhere, and I thanked the bus driver before scanning my pass and stepping off. After ten minutes of walking, I finally walked into the glass building Nick took me to a few weeks ago.

I haven't been here since, but I felt as though maybe it'd help reduce my stress and therefore my high blood pressure. I informed the receptionist of my meeting with Doctor Vega, and she told me to take a seat in the lounge as I waited.

I pulled my phone out of my sweatpant's pocket and swiped out of an article I was reading. I sent a text to Dylan, informing him that I was out of the house. I knew that he'd give me shit for not asking him to drop me off, but the man had a job to attend– he wasn't my personal chauffeur. I then sent a text to Rose and told her I'd meet her at the restaurant we agreed on.

"Amber?" A familiar voice called out, and when I glanced up from my phone, I smiled at the sight of the professionally dressed woman. She gestured me over with a tilt of her head and I complied, pocketing my phone to make my way towards her.

"Good morning," I greeted once the elevator doors shut.

"Good morning, Amber. I'm happy to see you here today." She replied, and when my eyes ran over her face, I couldn't detect a hint of a lie. She was being sincere and it made me happy.

"Well, I'm happy to be here." I chose to say because I honestly was. The last time I came here with Nick, I wasn't expecting it to go as well as it did. I came out feeling lighter and slightly happier.

She responded with a chuckle. I followed her out of the elevator, waiting behind her as she unlocked the door to her office. She opened the door and gestured for me to walk in. With a thankful nod, I walked into the room.

The walls were painted a sky-blue color that instantly calmed me down. On one side of the room sat her desk that held a computer and some stationary. Behind her desk was a shelf that took the width and length of the wall behind it. The walls were filled with books, journals, and decorative objects.

On the other side of the room were two white seats. One was an armchair and was where the doctor sat. Opposite to that was a white loveseat, and it was where I sat last time. It had a few decorative, yet comfortable, throw pillows. Between the two seats was a small, circular, coffee table that held a pot of fake flowers.

"Please take a seat, Amber, while I get my journal and a pen," She said in a soft voice similar to Rose's. I complied and wordlessly sat in the corner of the loveseat. I pulled a throw pillow in my direction and placed it on my lap.

The doctor took a seat in front of me and opened her journal, "Alright," She said, looking for a specific page. Once she found one with a few scribbles, she clicked her pen and wrote something down. Then, she glanced up at the clock above me and noted down the time.

"Last time you came here, Amber, you mainly talked about your family," Her eyes skimmed over her notes. "Dylan, who is your brother, your late father, Rose, Nick, and Alexandre."

I nodded my head. I just gave her the rundown on who I considered to be my family.

"Then, we touched briefly on your situation," She said.

"Yeah, the robbery," I replied, telling her that it's alright that she said it as it is.

She tapped her pen on the page in the journal and looked into my eyes, "Would you like to talk about that today? Or is there something else you want to do?"

I shook my head and tightened my grip on the pillow, "I'd like to talk about something else if you don't mind."

The corner of her lip tugged up into a small smile, "Of course I don't. This is for you; we'll do anything you're comfortable with. What is it that you want to talk about?"

"Dean," I replied with a nod of my head.

She quirked an eyebrow but didn't comment, instead, she wrote his name down onto the page of the journal, "Alright. Who is Dean?"

I bit my lip and looked down at my fingers that were wrapped around the edge of the pillow, "He was my first boyfriend. We broke up a few years ago."

"Can I ask why you guys broke up?" She asked as she wrote down a few words with the flick of her wrist.

I furrowed my eyebrows, "Well, we didn't necessarily break up. I guess, he broke up with me?– I don't know. We were dating for three years; we met at one of papa's events. His dad dragged him there and I went because papa didn't want to leave me alone at home. We started dating when I turned fourteen, and it's been smooth sailing ever since."

She nodded her head and gave me her undivided attention. She didn't ask any questions and didn't interrupt.

"He told me he loved me first. I was sixteen at the time and he was seventeen– we were at the beach with his friends, and we were playing in the water and it just slipped through his lips." I trailed off, my brain reliving the memories of the time he said the three words. I could practically imagine his arms around me–

"And did you love him?" She asked, stopping my train of thought.

"Of course I did," I replied, like the thought of not loving him was preposterous. "He was the only person after papa to genuinely care for me. Dylan probably did, but he wasn't present in my life until after papa died."

I shook my head to rid myself of the thoughts. Every time I thought of memories, all I could feel was my head begin to pound against my skull.

"Anyways, Dean left the night of my prom. I remember the night vividly– I was waiting for him to arrive, so we could go to the hotel, but he never showed up. He didn't reply to my phone calls or texts, and it was like he went missing. Dylan volunteered to take me to his house, and by the time we got there, his car wasn't in the driveway."

"Dylan dropped me off at the hotel anyways, and my friends tried to make me forget about his absence, but I couldn't. How could I pretend that his presence wasn't missing? I was so used to him being by my side all the time, and then suddenly– he just wasn't."

"An hour and a half into prom, I called Dylan and asked him to come to get me. He picked me up, and when we got home, Rose pulled me into the living room. She told me that Dean passed by after I left, and she gave me a box that had a letter attached to it."

I glanced up from my fingers and looked at her, "In the letter, he explained why he disappeared. He told me how miserable he was at home, and he received a scholarship to attend some film university. Then, he explained how he would have never done this if it weren't for me. He said that I motivated him and encouraged him to pursue his dreams."

"I called, texted, and emailed him for weeks. I was so proud of him for leaving, but I didn't understand why he had to cut off all contact with me. Why couldn't he just send me a text every now and then, just to check up on me; just to reply to the thousands I sent." I trailed off, my gaze averting to a painting of a sunset hung above her.

Doctor Vega tapped her pen against the page one more time, "Have you heard anything from him since he left?"

I scoffed, "No," I replied in a snarky tone. "The only way I hear anything from him is through the news. Dean McLaughlin wins oscar for the box-office hit movie or Dean McLaughlin answers 73 questions with vogue. Dean does this, Dean does that, but do you know what Dean didn't do?– He didn't contact me after he ran away."

Doctor Vega didn't let any emotion flicker through her face when she asked, "Are you not... happy for Dean?"

I reeled back at her question and blinked before replying, "Of course I'm happy for him!" I exclaimed.

"Then, Amber, why are you still so affected by his lack of contact?" She asked with a tilt of her head.

I furrowed my eyebrows, confused as to how she didn't understand why I was angry, "Because he just left me!"

"I understand that, but you were with Adam for two years, weren't you? You must've been over Dean if you were willingly pursuing a relationship with someone else."

"Well, Adam ended up robbing me." I snapped back.

"Yes, but you told me you loved him. So, Amber, why does Dean's absence still affect you as much as it does?" She asked again.

"It's because nobody in my life has ever been a constant, alright!" I exploded with a yell. I threw my hands up, which caused the pillow to fly off my grip and onto the other side of the loveseat. I stared at the pillow in horror and breathed in a deep breath of air to calm me down. "I'm sorry for shouting."

Doctor Vega smiled, seemingly not affected by my outburst, "Don't worry about that, dear. I'd like you to elaborate on what you just said."

I let out a shaky sigh and thinned my lips. We sat in silence for a bit. Doctor Vega didn't pressure me into elaborating any further, while I reached over for the throw pillow to hug it tight. She wasn't even looking at me with expectant eyes, she just looked back at her notes and scribbled something down.

"I guess," I started hesitantly, trying to process my emotions. "I guess nobody in my life has been consistently present. I mean... the only person that was always there for me was papa, but he died. Dylan, uh– he barely cared about me until he was granted guardianship. Even my own mother walked out on me literally two days after I was born."

I swallowed my saliva to hydrate my throat and continued, "I loved Dean like I've never loved anyone else, and he just up and left without confronting me. Then, he just went off the radar and ignored my existence– just like Elise did. And it sucks because I feel like no one is ever going to be a constant presence in my life. I mean, even Adam, the second guy I've ever loved, watched silently as someone pointed a gun at my head and then walked away with all my belongings."

Doctor Vega gave me a nod and closed her journal shut, "Amber, I'm going to want you to be honest with me. If you don't want to answer the question, you don't have to. Do you in any way blame yourself for their absence?"

Her question hit me like a ton of bricks. Did I? The beautiful thing about therapy was I could voice out my thoughts without the risk of hurting anybody's feelings. I had somebody help me break my emotions down so I could understand the root of them.

I hugged the pillow tightly, "When it came to Dylan, I felt like he hated the thought of spending time with me because maybe he resented me; maybe he blamed me for Elise leaving. But he assured me that he never did, and said it was because he just didn't know how to talk to me. Which I guess makes sense– a twelve-year difference is pretty big; we were in different stages of our lives at all times."

She nodded, encouraging me to continue, "I don't blame myself for papa's death because it wasn't my fault– he had cancer, and it was very harsh. I don't think I blame Dean for leaving since he had a dream he wanted to accomplish, and I understand that. But I just don't understand why he never contacted me– did he not love me enough?"

Doctor Vega's lips tugged up into a smile, "Amber, it's clear that you don't blame yourself. And do you know what's even more evident?"

I shook my head.

"It's that everybody who is currently in your life loves you like there's no tomorrow. You have to think about the absences from a different perspective. Maybe your brother wasn't present in the first few years of your life, but he realized his mistakes and has made the effort to always be there for you. As for Elise, maybe leaving was the best for you. Would you have preferred to have no mother at all or one who didn't seem to love you?"

"No mother at all," I replied, and I was surprised at how immediate my response was.

She nodded, a soft smile gracing her face, "Based on our last sessions, Amber, I can tell that you're surrounded by people who would do anything for you. They all love you."

"But..." I started in a whisper. "Dean said he loved me too, and he ended up leaving me. Elise loved Dylan and papa, but she also left them. What if they leave me like he did? What if they end up betraying me like Adam did?"

"That's the beauty of human relationships," She said, her eyes shining with sincerity. "It's all up to trust. Do you trust them to love you unconditionally– to always be there for you?"

I paused and thought about everything. Dylan would drop everything to be there for me; Rose always treated me with nothing short of love; Nick and Alexandre always checked up on me and tried their best to make me happy.

With a genuine smile, I nodded, "Yeah," I replied whole-heartedly. "I trust them."

•••

The session with Doctor Vega ended fifteen minutes later. I left the blue room feeling happy that I finally confronted my feelings about Dean leaving me. I always shoved it to the back of my mind, and I guess they were bound to resurface. After paying for my session, I walked back to the bus station to go to the restaurant to meet Rose.

Thirty minutes later, I found myself sitting at a table for four by myself, waiting for Rose. She texted me, telling me she was going to be running late, and I told her it was fine. Two normal chairs were replaced with baby seats for Céline and Cody.

I was scanning the menu of the Chinese restaurant when I heard the sound of two babies gurgling. I smiled at the sight of my niece and nephew, being pushed in a strolled by my sister-in-law. Rose was still wearing her nurse scrubs, and she looked relieved to be taking a break.

"Hey, hon," She greeted me as I stood up for a hug. After pulling away, I bent down to unbuckle Cody from the stroller and picked him up. He giggled at the sensation and flapped his arms in the air.

I placed him on the seat to my left as Rose put Céline onto the baby seat opposite her brother's. Rose sat on the chair opposite me and leaned back into it.

"Tired?" I asked with a quirked eyebrow, my tone teasing her.

She chuckled and shook her head, "You can't even begin to imagine. I'm so lucky Dylan takes care of Antoine after school. I don't know how I'd be able to balance work and three children all on my own."

I glanced at the two adorable trouble makers and smirked, "Well, you're doing an amazing job."

She gave me a genuine smile, "Thank you, Amber."

We fell into a comfortable silence after that. I'd wiggle a finger against one of the babies' stomachs and when they giggled, I'd stick my tongue out at them. Rose was looking through the menu, trying to figure out what to order since she'd never been here.

Céline shrieked happily when I tickled her sides, and I laughed at the sound. Other customers turned around to see what the source of the noise was, and when their eyes fell on one of the babies, they smiled and awed. Deciding that I've entertained them enough, I glanced at Rose only to find her staring at me with gleaming eyes.

I paused and my eyebrows puckered into a frown, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Her smile widened, "You're going to be an amazing mom, Amber." She said, her voice dripping with admiration and sincerity.

My fingers met each other, and I started fiddling them, "I mean... I hope so. I wouldn't want to be a terrible mother."

Rose nodded in understanding, "How's pregnancy been for you?"

I shrugged one shoulder, "It's been alright. I'm nine-weeks pregnant now, and the morning sickness has gotten worse. Other than that though, I've been feeling alright."

"That's great!" She beamed. "Except for the morning sickness part– it'll get better. When was the last time you went to the doctor?"

I rubbed the back of my nape, "Like last week?"

"And everything's alright, yeah?"

I blinked and considered lying and telling her that yes, everything was fine, but this was Rose. I could never lie to Rose.

"She's concerned about my high blood pressure, but I think everything will be alright. I'm just under a lot of stress right now."

The robbery; an unexpected pregnancy; the nightmares; waiting for an email from my dream workplace.

Her smile faltered, but the corners of her lips were still tugged up into a faint smile, "That's understandable; everything will hopefully get better."

I nodded, and because I didn't want to talk about this anymore, I waved the waiter over and ordered my meal. Rose gave her order as well. The waiter repeated the list of food, and when we confirmed that it was right, he promised to be back with our drinks soon. Rose pulled the stroller closer to her and rummaged through the diaper bag in search of something.

She pulled out two jars of baby food and I leaned over to grab one and a rubber spoon. I strapped a yellow bib around Cody's neck and opened the jar to feed him.

"So, have you started shopping for maternity clothes?" Rose asked as she held up a spoonful of goo to Céline's lips.

I crinkled my nose, "Am I supposed to?"

She pulled her shoulder up to her jaw in a shrug, "Your belly will start showing soon, hun. Maybe you'd like to be prepared for that. I could go with you if you want!" She exclaimed the last part excitedly.

I pursed my lips, "That sounds fun. You can help me figure out what I need to get– I'm kind of lost."

Rose chuckled, "I was pretty lost too when I first had Antoine. You'll slowly get the hang of it though, don't worry." Then she stared at Céline with a look of pure love mixed with relief. "I can leave the children with Dylan– maybe he'll invite Nick over to help."

"We both know he never helps," I snorted before cooing at Cody to eat the mashed peas.

Rose shook her head and sighed, "I know," She breathed out, like the thought of having him over to help tired her out. "He makes them even more hyper– they never sleep when he's around."

"Dylan will set him straight," I told her in a reassuring tone. "Maybe he'll hit him."

Rose released a loud 'ha!' that made me burst out laughing. The waiter came back with our drinks and appetizers and we thanked him. Rose picked up an appetizer and stuffed it in her mouth.

With rounded cheeks and a hand covering her mouth, she asked, "Have you heard anything from Fashionistique?"

I picked up the appetizer with a pair of chopsticks and put it on my plate. I shook my head and sighed deeply.

"Don't worry," Rose said after swallowing her food. "You'll hear from them soon, hun."

I looked down at my plate with a scared expression, "What if I don't get the job?"

Her nose crinkled, "You're as qualified as they come, Amber." She replied definitively.

"But in the unlikely event that you don't get it," She started, reaching over the table for my hand to grasp it. She stared at me dead in the eye with a look that left no room for argument. "You will always have Dylan and me."

•••

— 29/06/20

I've been binging The Good Place like crazy.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter!!!