tuesday
13th october 2020
8:24 pm

so... um... hi? how you doin' today? xD

i swear guys, i am NOT a duck and am actually a human... not that the duck wasn't cute, tch tch. ;) you're free to imagine me as a duck if you want, though, there's only so much imagination i can limit :P

moving on to the topic of today's post-something happened about a week ago, and it's been on my mind ever since.

so basically, me and my older sister fight a lot. and by a lot, i mean we're getting into arguments and grudges every other day. most times we make up, and sometimes we just let it be until the heat has cooled off enough for us to talk like civil people. now i know, i KNOW this isn't anything to be proud of because we're advised to end all grudges after a maximum of three days, and live in peace and harmony in the first place.

but it just... happens.

she goes to university while i am stuck at home for the time being and since we don't have house help at the moment, me and my mum have to barter most of the work. i get frustrated because we work while she lazes around the rest of the day. if you have a sister, trust me you'll know.

so last week, we got into another argument on the same topic and ended up not talking. night fell and since i read my Tafsir after Isha, and i stood up to get the Qur'an, come back to my seat and start reading, but something held me back in that moment. my sister and i share a room, and i felt... reluctant to read in the same place as her?

it was only a few seconds later that i understood-i was hesitant because i feared my sister would judge me for first arguing with her and then sitting down to read the Qur'an as if it'll in any way make up for the rude things i said to her.

i shouldn't have lost my temper at her in the first place. there's a reason-and a pretty good one at that-we shouldn't be angry, ever. like not even once in a blue moon, because anger is basically boiling water that clouds your judgement and will most probably be followed up by guilt and regret which is TRUE because i was guilty.

and even when i moved to a different place to read, it bothered ME how first i sin by arguing and then hold the Book of Allah in my hands-something so majestical, holy and pure. one part of me was ordering me to keep it down because Allah isn't pleased with me and i have no right to come running back to Him after the rude things i'd said to my sister.

but the other part of me, the one i always try to pay more heed to, forced me to keep going. to NOT give up in His mercy, because it is endless and no matter how much i stray, i can always turn around and still hear Allah say 'Allah would not punish them while they seek forgiveness.'

the voice nagging at me, telling me i've sinned far too much to ever turn to Allah again, was undoubtedly iblees. that is what he does. he'll come to us in our weakest moments, when we're at our most vulnerable, when our sins make guilt bubble in our hearts, and he'll try to make us believe we're unforgivable, Allah hates us now, He doesn't want our dirty hearts to remember Him or our sinful tongues to say His Name.

that's not true. it doesn't even have 0.0000001% of truth to it, because it is in our nature to sin. a human who wouldn't sin wouldn't be human. and we all sin because we have both rights and wrongs within us, but we also have a zameer, a conscience, a moral compass that is supposed to guide us. that guilt i felt after talking back to my sister? that was my zameer letting me know i did something that went against my own self. it was warning me that i sinned and went against Allah's rulings.

what some people do-and i've seen it happen more often that not-they'll do/say something bad and let the guilt hold them back from praying, reading the Qur'an, and generally being a person who Allah is pleased with. they let that tiny sliver transform into their entire existence, and that's when they've strayed so far it becomes incredibly difficult to turn back. that is the point you have to make sure you do not reach.

i know it's hard, i know you're too regretful of what you did, of ever showing your face before Allah again. but know that just like He's seen you sin, He also sees the guilt in your heart and He's waiting for you to ask Him to forgive you. He awaits a single tear of remorse from you. He calls you to Him five times a day because that is how much He loves you despite how despicable you may be in the eyes of people.

that guilt you feel is not to turn you away but to guide you back to Him, so let it. allow it to guide you. keep coming back to him no matter how bad of a person you think you are, because you can never be too much in the eyes of Allah. His mercy has 99 parts and He's sent just one part on to the Earth. can you imagine the magnanimity of the other 99 parts? subhanAllah.

shaytan the roadman will keep on trying, but you can't and won't give in, okay?

___