Naina

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow

During our rural postings, Advik paid me a surprise visit one weekend. Our group had ventured on a hike to Kailasagiri hills. Upon Advik's insistence, we lingered behind after sunset. He had always been a bit of a risk taker.

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called Yellow

He was singing as I lay on the picnic mat, gazing at the stars. We were just friends back then, but it had always felt like much more.

So then I took my turn
Oh, what a thing to have done
And it was all yellow

All the songs we sang together confused me. They were romantic songs. We would look into each other's eyes, to harmonize with the music. Sometimes I felt like he meant it. I knew I did.

Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
And you know, you know I love you so

We weren't practicing a new song, he wasn't performing. Was he just singing, or was he singing to me?

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh, what a thing to do
'Cause you were all yellow

I looked at him. He was looking at me. I felt like he was talking to me, saying all those words we weren't allowed to say.

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh, what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

He did draw a line. He never lost control around me, no matter what he felt or I felt. We could never happen, and he knew that. He never crossed that line.

We should have stayed friends. We should never have crossed that line.

I didn't know where I was or how I got there. I had just wanted to get away. But how do you get away from the stars? He had shone so bright, and I felt like nothing next to him. Had I taken away his light?

We were in South Goa. We had been dancing in the moonlight, surrounded by couples. We weren't a couple. At least not yet.

He kissed me for the first time. It was everything I had imagined it would be: the tickle of his breath against my face, the softness of his lips on mine, our bodies touching while he sucked softly on my lips. I felt nothing but him, his love.

I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. I was his, and he was mine. Forever.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have," he said softly, looking tense, worried.

"Adi, I love you," I whispered.

He shook his head. "You've never been close to a guy before me. This is lust, not love."

I should have let it end right then and there. But I hadn't. We should have stayed best friends. I wouldn't have hurt him, he wouldn't have hurt me. And I wouldn't have lost him.

"I love you too. But if we stay best friends, no matter what happened, you'd always be in my life," he let out a week later. We stood at a secret spot behind the library. He twirled my hair with his fingers. "If we went out, I'd hurt you or fuck it up somehow, and I'd lose you. I can't lose you, Nia. You are everything to me. I'll die if you aren't in my life."

"I love you, Adi." I tugged at his sleeve. "I promise, I'll never leave you. And if we ever break up, we'll still be best friends, okay?" I promised, not knowing how much it would break me to break that promise to him.

I heard a ring. My phone. I picked up and stared at it. I was going into a panic attack. A voice came from the phone.

I took deep breaths. It would be okay. One day, this torture would end. Or I would. It wasn't possible to be alive if I felt like this, was it? It hurt to breathe. God would help me out, wouldn't He? Couldn't He just take me with Him?

I held the phone up to my ear.

"I'm worried, Naina..." Zayne. Zayne was here. I looked around. I saw a flash of Advik's apartment building. My eyes fell on the bench in front of it.

I was sitting on the bench, and Advik was kneeling before me. "I don't know why she is saying that. I didn't sleep with her. I would never cheat on you. I love you, Nia. I would never do anything that would hurt you."

"I'm... I'm on the... on the road..." I swallowed, turning around and walking away quickly.

"Naina, I don't see you outside. Can you be more specific?" Zayne asked me.

I looked around. I didn't recognize anything. All I knew was that I had left Advik's apartment behind.

"I don't... know..."

There was a street dog with little puppies around it. Its ear had been clipped, indicating that she had been sterilized. So much for birth control, I thought vaguely. She growled at me.

"Adi, I'm pregnant..."

"I will marry you, Naina, and we'll figure it out."

"Imagine a little girl with my eyes and your smile. We'll name her Advaina."

Advaina was gone. Adi was gone.

"I'll never let you go."

But he did. I did.

"Don't make this harder than it needs to be. Please leave."

Everything was spinning around me. I sat down. I didn't know where. I was lost.

"Naina..." I looked up and saw Zayne. "Naina, I'm here."

Zayne was here. Everything would be okay.

He would save me from this. Could he save me from this?

"Let's go home." His voice was soft. It was the only thing that anchored me to this world, to life. I followed him, and he paused so I was walking beside him instead of behind him.

We walked in silence to the car. I wanted to tell him what had happened. I wanted to tell him how much it meant to me that he had shown up when he had.

But no words would come. I looked at him. He was focused on driving. Someday I would figure out a way to repay him for what he was doing for me.

We reached the apartment, and I showered first. I let the warm water cascade down my body, washing away the day. I would be better. I had walked away from dinner. I had embarrassed Zayne in front of his colleagues, his mentor. I would be a better wife to him. I would do better. I had to.

"I'll do better, Nia. I'll do anything to stop hurting you. Do you know how it feels to see you hurt and know it was me? That I did this to you?" Advik traced his hand along the bruise on my shoulder.

We had fought about Zayne. He had pulled me down from the bed, and I had hit my shoulder on one of the legs of the bed.

I shampooed my hair and put on conditioner. I now knew how it felt to be the reason for someone else's pain, even if it wasn't physical pain. I would stop hurting Zayne. I had to.

I changed into my pyjamas and walked into the bedroom. Zayne sat on the bed, already changed into his night clothes-drawstring shorts and a T-shirt.

He stared at me for a long time, his eyes moving all over me. But it wasn't desire that I saw in them. It was sadness.

I got into bed. He finished his bedtime routine and joined me. I snuggled closer to him, wanting to give him the comfort he gave me.

"Naina, I need some space."

I moved away as if he had pushed me. The bed suddenly felt cold. Sleep wouldn't come.

I couldn't rely on someone else to save me. I had been dwelling in my grief for far too long. I needed to pick myself up. I needed routine, structure, something to keep me going. Not just more time and coddling.

I would move back to Mangalore tomorrow. I couldn't stay alone in Zayne's apartment while he went to work.

I could do this. I was Naina Abdul Karim, and Naina Abdul Karim didn't lose herself. I went to the kitchen/dining area and turned on the light. It was close to midnight. I sat at the table and took out the notebook I borrowed from Zayne's desk.

I wrote down tomorrow's date:

1. Email Dr. Sundari and inform her that I would like to restart my course.
2. Make a timetable to include: PG schedule, NEET prep, writing time.
3. Find a psychologist to work with. Need to address flashbacks.
4. Talk to Maya about what I was going through and see if I need to be started on SSRIs.
5. Publish my book about Advik and write a sequel about Zayne and me.

For the first time in a long time, I felt okay. I had a plan.

The next morning, Zayne shook me awake.

"Naina, I'm going to the hospital. Just order in, okay? Don't go anywhere without me."

I squinted up at him. "Okay," I said.

I spent the morning sending an email to Sundari Ma'am and researching psychologists who could do remote counseling via phone or text. I didn't want to go to a clinic where I could potentially run into patients or colleagues.

I skipped lunch and ate a banana. Then, I packed my suitcase and wrote another chapter. I decided to title my book, "Stay". It meant stay with me whether it was as friends or romantically. It didn't matter. But whatever we were, the message was clear, just stay.

Zayne was back around 4 pm, much earlier than I had expected. I was lying in bed reading Harrison (textbook of medicine) with my headphones on playing brown noise. I was initially startled by his presence, but then I took my headphones off and smiled at him.

His eyes fell on my packed suitcase before reaching my face. His expression of worry switched to relief as he locked eyes with me.

"I emailed Sundari Ma'am," I informed him. "I can start this week."

"I was thinking the same thing today," he said, keeping his backpack aside and heading to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. I followed him into the kitchen. "I think it'll do you good to get back into a routine," he added in agreement.

Soon, it was time to leave. Zayne had offered to drop me and drive back, but I declined. He had work the next day, and he had already taken time off. It wouldn't look good to ask for more.

Like so many times before, I took the bus back to Mangalore. I sighed; once again, I found myself in a long-distance relationship.

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Thank you for reading. Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza