Naina

"Can I kiss you?" Zayne asked me out of the blue.

My breathing quickened. I remembered how about a year and a half ago, we had almost kissed. We would have if I hadn't turned my face away at the last minute. I remembered how Advik had walked in on that moment.

"Yes," I replied. I was his wife now. He could kiss me if he wanted to.

I felt his hands move the hair out of my face. Zayne was going to kiss me. I felt my whole body react to this idea, as if I wanted him. I didn't. He was a good friend. My heart raced as I felt his breath on my face. I closed my eyes.

I felt the slightest touch of his lips against mine. My breath caught in my throat. A sensation of weightlessness washed over me, and my lips tingled with anticipation. It felt so right.

Suddenly, a flash of Advik's hurt expression intruded upon my thoughts.

"I feel like you'll be happier with someone else, like I'm wrong for you. You're the light in my life, Naina, and I hate that I'm... I'm the darkness in yours."

"Adi, there's no one but you for me. I can't be with anyone else."

I felt a lump form in my throat, and my eyes stung.

"Are you... are you okay with me kissing you, Naina?" Zayne asked.

"You can do whatever you want. You're a guy. You have needs, and I'm your wife, so..." I couldn't shake the feeling that I was betraying Advik. I shouldn't enjoy kissing Zayne. It felt wrong. But, I was his wife. I couldn't deny him.

"Yeah, I have needs. I'm a guy," Zayne said slowly.

"What am I supposed to do? You keep holding back like I mean nothing to you. I'm a guy, damn it, I have needs."

"But you have the right to decide what happens to your body," he murmured, my emotions a jumbled mess of confusion, relief, and fear. "I can take care of myself."

He moved away, and I didn't miss the hurt in his voice. Zayne had always been respectful of me, of my space, and of what I wanted.

In response, I moved closer to him, wrapping my hands around his arm and using it like a pillow. With Zayne, I felt safe and comfortable.

The second day at Kumarakom was even more beautiful.

We had breakfast delivered to our room and enjoyed it at the outdoor dining area, overlooking the gardens, while discussing our itinerary for the day.

"It says here that they recommend the houseboat cruise, village visit, the bird sanctuary, and a visit to Vembanaadu lake..." I read aloud from the pamphlet in the room.

"I just spoke to the room attendant who delivered the food. He was recommending a biking tour. We would take a canoe to get to the biking tour, and we could ride through the paddy fields and the forest land. They also have boat rentals there and..."

Zayne seemed really excited about the biking idea, and I didn't want to disappoint him.

"Let's do it!" I said, though I was a little apprehensive.

I was glad we had opted for this. We canoed through a narrow brook to reach the village where we rented our bikes and were given directions to the next spot.

While I had been to paddy fields before, biking through them was an entirely unique experience. The rice fields gleamed golden on either side of us, creating waves of gold as the wind blew through them, mimicking the roar of the ocean.

As we crossed the paddy field and reached a dirt road, Zayne called out to me.

"Race you to the toddy shop!" he called, citing the next stop on our self-guided tour. "Winner gets to choose the next meal."

I laughed, feeling my competitive side kick in. "You have a head start, you already have momentum."

He stopped and waited for me. "Ready, set, go!" he called, starting at 'go' while I started after 'go'.

I laughed as the wind blew against my face, pedaling harder to increase my speed on the bicycle. Zayne was already far ahead.

"Zayne!" I called out, not wanting him to win. "Did you see that bird over there?" I shouted, and he slowed down.

"What bird?" he asked, as I caught up to him.

"A crow!" I exclaimed, whisking past him as he laughed.

He caught up with me by the time we reached the toddy shop. We got off our bikes, and I was completely out of breath, but he was laughing.

"Ready to try some fresh toddy?" he asked me. Toddy was beer made from coconut palm sap. When fresh, it was quite sweet, but within a couple of hours, it would automatically ferment to the same alcohol content as beer due to endogenous yeasts.

The local toddy shop owner greeted us. "Do you want to watch him get the toddy for you?" he asked us in Malayalam.
"Yes, we'd love that," Zayne said.
"Newly married?" he asked us.
"Yes," Zayne answered again with a wide smile. I laughed at his excitement. I found it endearing.

We watched a young man in a lungi climb up the coconut palm and pick up a clay pot that had been hung on the tree overnight.

"You have to come early in the morning so it's really sweet," he informed us. "The sweeter it is, the less fermented it is. The tree was tapped yesterday, and the pot was left overnight to collect the sap. Fermentation is less overnight because it is cooler. But if you come at noon, it will usually be sour. I do have this morning's collection in the fridge if you prefer to try that."

We decided to try the one in the fridge. It tasted really good. Despite living in Kerala for most of my life, this was my first time trying toddy. It was every bit worth the hype. It didn't taste anything like coconut water. There was a slightly sour aftertaste to it, and it was already fizzy.

"We should come here again at 7 am to try it fresh," I suggested, savoring the taste.

"I'll ask the hotel if there's another toddy shop close by," Zayne agreed.

We had taken a break, biking through the forest until we reached a brook. The only way to cross it was via a bridge made of two coconut trunks.

"I'm not crossing that on my bike," I stated firmly, not wanting to risk falling into the marshy waters.

Zayne appeared thoughtful. Then, he rode his bike across the log bridge at high speed and crossed over to get mine. I felt embarrassed seeing how effortlessly he completed the task.

"It's fine, I'll do it," I sighed.

"Are you sure?" he asked, concerned.

"Yeah, if you promise to save me if I fall into that!" I pointed to the muddy waters.

"That'll be hard... I mean, you're going to be really dirty, and I don't like getting my hands dirty," he joked.

I got on my bike and fixed my eyes on the path ahead. To my surprise, it was easier than I had thought. I just needed to stay focused, and I was able to reach the other side.

Finally, we reached the boat rental and rented two paddle boats. They informed us that we could leave the bikes and gave us directions to the hotel where they would collect the paddle boats from.

"Remember, take the left; the right will go to the ocean. The left will take you to the village. From there, you'll see a signboard with directions to your resort. Just keep going straight until you reach it."

The entire trip was downstream, surrounded by trees on both sides, and we spotted quite a few tropical birds. Zayne stood on the paddle boat, but I wasn't brave enough; I sat throughout the journey.

"I had fun today, Zayne," I told him as we reached the resort. This was the first time I had not just felt okay but had actually had fun.

"Yeah, me too. But I am exhausted!" he confessed.

I giggled. "Me too."

"Let's just go lie in the pool for a bit when we get back," I suggested.

Zayne looked apprehensive.

"I promise I won't hold my breath," I joked.

Zayne gave me a small smile. We lounged by the pool, ordering tea via room service.

"This must be a first, drinking tea in the swimming pool," I commented.

"My college friends and I had once rented out a pool villa and drank in the pool... Long back. I barely remember that trip. I think I was super drunk throughout," Zayne told me.

I was surprised. I couldn't imagine Zayne drinking or doing anything rebellious. "I didn't know you drank alcohol."

"Yeah, I don't make a habit of it, but I do enjoy drinking when I'm out with my friends. Not as much now, but in college, I have gotten drunk a few times," he admitted.

"I wouldn't have guessed," I said honestly.

"Well, don't tell my family. They pretend not to know," he winked at me. I laughed.

"So you have a rebellious streak in you," I teased.

"I'm secretly a bad boy," he played along.

"I like bad boys," I said, flirting with him for the first time. It felt nice.

Zayne paused for a few seconds, his expression unreadable.

"I was joking," I said quickly.

"Yeah..." he responded. He suddenly seemed far away. I swam to him and took his cup from him, putting it away to the side.

I went close to him and whispered in his ear. "Race you to the bathroom. Loser makes morning tea for the whole year."

I hoisted myself out of the pool while he stood there stunned. I ran towards the bathroom, but before I could reach it, I heard his voice. "Look at that bird." I was momentarily distracted, and he ran past me.

I couldn't believe he had used my trick against me! Now I was stuck making tea for the whole year!

Zayne was laughing in the bathroom. "Darling, you brought this on yourself. I look forward to the daily morning tea," he teased. His smile then faded, and his eyes roamed through my body - from my face to my toes and back, lingering a few seconds longer at my chest than everywhere else. I looked down to see that my off-white T-shirt had turned translucent, clinging to me, and my black bra was visible through it.

"Naina, go shower and change into something for dinner," he concluded finally, looking away. I blushed and walked into the bathroom.

"You can place the order. You won the bike race..." he said and then muttered, "though you cheated."

I laughed, taking the menu from him. Mealtime was always stressful, especially when we were out. I had to pick less calorie-dense foods so I could be full without going overboard.

Finally, I landed on the house salad. "This," I pointed to him. His eyebrows shot up.

"Ummm, I'm not eating that," he said immediately. "That's for herbivores. I'm a little higher on the food chain."

I laughed again. "We can order grilled fish on the side?"

"Fine," he relented. "But I'll pick dessert."

I barely ate dessert, but it was tempting. It was a molten lava cake but with strawberry and chocolate ganache in the center.

We finally made it back to the room, finished our nighttime routines, and climbed into bed. Today gave me hope. I had actually been happy, not just surviving. And it wasn't just Kumarakom that had done that. It was Zayne. He was so easy to get along with, so comforting to be with.

"Naina..." Zayne murmured, turning to face me, propping his head on his hand and looking into my eyes, his expression intense.

"Hmmm?" I hummed.

"I love you..."

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Thank you for reading. Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza