If happiness and sadness were two sides of a coin, after flipping it Jungkook's coin must had fallen on the narrowed side of it, and now, it was balancing itself there like an acrobat prancing on a rope.

Jungkook didn't know if he was sad or happy, perhaps neither, or either, he only realized that these days had been a fuzzy blur to him. As they kept passing him, by he had often asked himself if he really had spent all his twenty one years of life like this.

In the pervasive pattern of him trying to search through his recollections, one struck on him, the first time he got introduced to the idea of webcamming.

Jungkook put a hand under his shirt on the surface of his sinking stomach, it had been some time he since had eaten a proper meal.

He felt like he was reclining in a bath tub filled with water, too lazy to get up and too tired to push through the pressure of the water. As if he was holding his breath in the stagnant water he was under, and he could see blue and grey and nothing at the same time.

He was eighteen when he was acquainted with a boy of same age. They were in the same club and they both practiced basketball after school hours. It was funny how Jungkook couldn't remember his name clearly as well even though it hadn't been that long.

He did recall that the boy had a similar physique to him and a head filled with chocolate brown curls. The coach sometimes mixed up between them. While Jungkook's jersey said number ten, his was nine.

Jungkook wouldn't call nine his friend. He wouldn't call anyone his friend but companion that he needed to sometimes be with because life worked that way.

Nine joked around a lot, had older friends that were in college and he was certain he was going to U.S.A for scholarship after this. Jungkook didn't know if nine really moved away as he hadn't seen nine since high school.

"See this chick?" He would often show his girlfriends' photos on his phone to the others, all of them would be older and the boys would gush about them and make a fuss. No one seemed as popular as nine.

When one day there wasn't anyone else in the basketball court and it was nearing to the closing hours, Jungkook was practicing alone and the other boy's bag laid there. He was spending a good amount of time in the washroom and after he came out Jungkook noticed his jersey was worn backwards.

"Huh, I think we need to go home for the day," he had commented as he hastily took his bag from the bench and grabbed a half empty water bottle, he chugged down the content in mere seconds.

"Yep!" Jungkook huffed out and let the ball go, it dribbled in the court alone. "Let's clean up."

Nine was surfing through his phone and let out a distanced hum in reply. After they were done, a chilly night greeted them outside. Even though Jungkook never looked at anything as extraordinary (and maybe that's why he couldn't reminiscence in his past, all were the same to him) yet he could remember the cold wind seeping in through his parka. It was around this time of the year now, probably.

"Look at this," Nine held his phone close to Jungkook. The screen showed a girl with long hair, probably in her late twenties or early thirties and had a good amount of cleavage showing in the photo she had taken herself. Jungkook immediately averted his eyes and nodded, before he took a few steps forward.

The latter caught up to him from the back. "It's kinda funny you know, she's paying me to send her my photos and videos." Even if it was funny, the boy never laughed, he just kept staring at his screen, zooming in and inspecting the photo in many different angles.

"What kind of photos and videos?" Jungkook asked.

The boy gave him an incredulous expression before rolling his eyes, "Aw, come on. Don't try to act cute now."

Jungkook scrunched his eyebrows yet kept quiet, he pushed his hands in the pockets of his jeans to keep them warm. "Where did you meet her?"

"Now that's news," he let out a boisterous laugh and grew closer to Jungkook as they jogged on. In the next ten to fifteen minutes Jungkook learned about the sites where girls and boys worked to make money. The pay was good, it was safe and you got to meet people online, those were what mainly stuck with Jungkook.

He needed money. He was to be released from the orphanage soon and the government wasn't going to pay his tution, unless he got a scholarship of course, but other than that he also needed living expenses.

Nothing in the world was free and that thought often kept Jungkook up at night. Like other kids of his age he didn't have someone to lean on, not even for emotional support let alone financial.

What about Mrs. Noh? Would it be different if she was there? Jungkook didn't know why he suddenly thought of her when she didn't cross his mind when he was going through those struggles.

Jungkook bolted up from his bed and grabbed his wallet, he didn't need his phone to his trip to the convenience store so he left it there inside his drawer. His laptop and webcam laid on his tousled bed. When he left he didn't unlock his door as he was to be back in a few minutes. He was starving and the those thoughts weren't helping him.

Immediately when he got outside he regretted it a little, he was wearing nothing but a grey oversized hoodie, and sweatpants, and it was so cold outside that it felt hard to even breath like thousands of needles were pricking his lungs with each inhale.

He took long strides forward, albeit feeling like his bones would freeze. His teeth were clattering and hands were crossed tightly on his chest when he practically ran to the nearest seven elven store.

What was it like? When he really tried it for the first time?

Jungkook possibly didn't want to do anything as a minor, he had never done any sides jobs either in high school because he wholly wanted to focus on his studies and basketball. Thanks to that he did get a scholarship, however, what his companion said to him never really left.

It was a bit scary, he did not have much knowledge on sex, and the world that revolved around it, other than his sex ed classes which he often avoided.

The teenagers around him were simply horny and had fantasies, crazy ideas about sex and to Jungkook it was vary vague. Sometimes even made him feel uncomfortable.

It wasn't that he was immune to the sexual hormones. Like every other person it flourished within Jungkook as well, but, there was a big BUT, he often felt uncomfortable with himself as well when he got certain ideas.

Firstly, he had no idea about girls and it seemed wrong to fantasize on them, and secondly, he was afraid of girls, he really was.

Surfing through the internet late at night about the details of what nine had told him gave him a slight headache. He didn't think a lot on it back then but after getting into university he decided to try it.

It would not only help him financially, would help him with his issue revolving females also, or that's what he thought.

Jungkook grabbed on whatever that caught his eye from the shelves in the store and those contained different flavours of ramen, sausage, sandwiches and a few cartons of chocolate milk. Putting them on the cashier's table he stared outside to notice that it was snowing.

He wasn't ready to get swept by the cold temperature again outside.

He was never ready to start on webcamming as well. He was never ready for anything, he just did it, he ran with whatever he needed at that moment.

Strangely, he wasn't much affected by talking to girls; women through the site. He made his username international playboy because he thought it was really funny considering the only playing he had ever done was virtual games, fortnite, pubg, overwatch and countless others.

None of the women he met there cared about his games, hobbies, interests, or even his real name. They all wanted one thing and Jungkook gave it to them. He started slow with chattings, photos and videos and then he got to the real bit.

The camboys were mainly wanted by older male clients but Jungkook kept his interests to women for his own condition. The business wasn't going bad. He was attracting a lot, and maybe it was because he was young, or 'innocent', or 'unskilled', Jungkook didn't know because no one told him the reason.

As no one really cared, but one did, maybe.

Jungkook was standing outside the store with his grocery bag and trembling in the cold. Suddenly it was starting to snow harder with the evening falling. The sun had set out of nowhere, dipped itself in the blue horizon. Jungkook couldn't find it in him to run back to the dorm under the snowfall.

A car pulled by the store and he averted his gaze there. The window rolled down and a female peeked her head out. "Jungkook?" She asked with curiousity in her tone.

Diana, that was the only person on the site who knew Jungkook's real name, his address, and a lot of other things. Jungkook also knew much about her as she often cried to him about her husband's harsh way of acting towards her. They did sometimes have real conversations between the acts.

"Want to get inside? Gosh, you're shaking!" She exclaimed, soon after she opened the door to the car.

Though Jungkook knew her more than others, he couldn't but feel his body freeze up again and he knew it wasn't because of the cold.

"Come on! You're not going to stand there forever, are you?"

Jungkook got inside and he kept his eyes elsewhere. The car seemed expensive and it was warm but Jungkook couldn't keep the tremors in his hands away.

"I was in this area to meet someone. What a big co incident to see you here. I should've been mentally prepared since you live around here, still I'm awed."

She had started driving and Jungkook guessed she was taking him back to his dorm, since she knew the address anyway and often sent him gifts. Jungkook kept quiet while she kept on talking, he thought he was accustomed to her voice but now as she was sitting close talking, it made him anxious.

"I was thinking that maybe we should meet someday but you know, you never talked about it or anything. And-"

Jungkook could barely focus on what she was saying, the temperature inside wasn't as hot for him to sweat but he was and he could feel his throat going dry.

"We are here." The car stopped and for the first time Jungkook took a good look outside.

It wasn't his dorm. But an apartment complex he didn't even know where.

"Where...?" He could only say meekly.

"My apartment. You look so cold and sick. You are all pale. I thought I could offer you some food and a cup of coffee."

Jungkook's heart rate quickened. He should've told her from the get go that he wanted to go to the dorm but he sat there assuming that's where they were going.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She let out a loud giggle. "You look like a scared bunny. Come on, hop out of the car!"

She was already outside and Jungkook didn't know what to do but follow. The snow was piling up on the roads quickly and on his head too.

"Come! You'll catch a cold!" She scurried to the lobby in her high heels. Jungkook didn't have a choice, it was too cold and he felt so numbed that he couldn't think straight.

Though he did ask himself how he was to go back from here because it appeared to him that a blizzard was about to rage on soon. The wind was howling and the night was deepening too quickly.

The expensing looking apartment complex stood against the dark as a menacing monster. Jungkook took a glance at the big name plate that said 'Dogok-dong building complex, Gangnam'.

Which meant he was at least half an hour car ride away from home and the question was how he failed to notice where he was going.

It was embarrassing to Jungkook that he was nearly at the verge of crying as he followed her to the seventh floor and apartment 35-C. He was biting on his lower lip so hard that he could feel the metallic tinge of blood on his tongue, and he was still gripping on his grocery bag like his life depended on it.

"Come inside, I'll bring you a cup of coffee." Perhaps she smiled when she said that, Jungkook couldn't tell because his eyes were unfocused. He felt nauseated, he didn't know if it was because he hadn't eaten for so long, or because of the cold getting to him, or his crippling fear.

The apartment looked neat, that he could tell. The couches smelled expensive, there was a giantic LED TV too. Nothing unordinary and nothing out of place, except him.

His grey hoodie and pajamas contrasted highly with the bright red couch. He reckoned that Diana was wearing a red dress too as she came back. "Milk and sugar on your coffee or black?"

Jungkook only nodded as no voice came out of him. He looked at her for the first time and she was much older than him as he always knew, thirty five, but she didn't look like it. She always looked like she was in her twenties, virtually and here.

That wasn't helping. Jungkook had stopped breaking down in sweat but he was still highly anxious, he could feel a lump sitting on his throat.

"You haven't uttered a single word all this time. Maybe I should've offered you warm milk but I don't have it here. Caffeine is a good substitute." She came back with a mug of hot coffee, milk and sugar added, and then she took a seat on the single sofa by his side.

Maybe if Jungkook drank it quickly he could leave, the problem is he didn't know how to speak a word even if it would involve words of him leaving. He felt like he was mute and he couldn't even form clear thoughts let alone words.

He took the mug and drank the warm liquid, it scalded his tongue and burned the inside of his throat. He didn't know what it tasted like, or how it smelled, he was immune to every other senses except for dread and fear.

"What's in the bag? You aways eat so much junk food, it's not good for your health."

The bag was sitting on his lap and it felt too heavy to him. He didn't know what to say though she kept on chattering.

His eyelids were drooping and his head felt heavier every second passing by. He really missed the sensation of his room back at the dorm, his unkempt bed, the kitchen talks and murmurs.

What were the other boys doing? Were they at home? He really needed to socialize more with them and he needed to go out more. He should go back to the university tomorrow, he had been missing out too much. Was the snow falling too hard outside? How should he get back?

How did Diana know there were junk foods inside his bag?

The curtains drew in, Jungkook fell asleep on the bright red couch.

---
A/n: I'll write an explanation chapter after this book ends (trust me there's a lot to explain) but I must say beforehand that male abuse and male rape does happen often and they're hardly ever talked about. We should be serious towards victims of rape and abuse of every gender.