Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions

   Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it

   Gemini: You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.

   Cancer: Auto correct can go straight to he'll

   Leo: Admit it... life would be so boring without me

   Virgo: I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money

   Libra: I couldn't be fake about anything even if I tired. My facial expressions wouldn't allow it

   Scorpio: KARMA! Life's little way of saying "Let's see how the fuck you like it!"

   Sagittarius: I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

   Capricorn: I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.

   Aquarius: If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ

   Pisces: If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?