The signs as roasts:

Aries: "You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry."

Taurus: "You're so fat, your belt size is 'equator'."

Gemini: "You're so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to your apartment."

Cancer: "You're so short, when you sit on the floor your feet dangle."

Leo: "You're so stupid, you wait for a stop sign to say 'go'."

Virgo: "You're so ugly, you have to trick or treat over the phone."

Libra: "You're so fat, you turn the Nike swoosh into a straight line."

Scorpio: "You're so stupid, you even failed recess."

Sagittarius: "You're so fat, when you shower you feet don't get wet."

Capricorn: "You're so stupid, you threw a rock at the ground and missed."

Aquarius: "You're so ugly, when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job."

Pisces: "You're so old, your birth certificate says 'Expired' on it."

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