Sagittarius - She went down in an airplane

Scorpio - Fried getting suntanned

Capricorn - Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand

Pisces - She met a shark under water

Taurus - Fell and no one caught her

Libra - I returned everything I ever bought her

Virgo - She was caught in a mudslide

Leo - Eaten by a lion

Gemini - Got run over by a crappy purple Scion

Cancer - She dried up in the desert

Aquarius - Drowned in a hot tub

Aries - Danced to death at an east side night club