!!! IMPLICATIONS OF SELF-HARM !!!

[ cнapтer ғorтy-one ➛ ѕтarт ]

▬▬▬▬▬▬♢▬▬▬▬▬▬

"Not in the mood to get laid tonight, even if it's with you," was Jeno's immediate reaction to Jaemin's quick reply.

"Shut up and come."

Jeno snickered as they went into Jaemin's room, not bothering with the lights and moving straight to the bed partially illuminated by light from the window. They lay down, just two dudes being bros, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Both were so weary and dragged down with exhaustion, but the whirlwind in their thoughts prevented sleep.

At least they were able to focus somewhat on the present, not too under the influence of toxic thought.

"You broke my bathroom mirror," Jaemin questioned, the words coming out as more of an observation or inference.

Jeno turned his head to look at the younger and he hummed in agreement.

Biting his lip, Jaemin rolled over so they were looking at each other, nervous of the reaction he'd get from another question sounding like a statement. Discussing such a topic in serious light was sensitive territory. "And you cried for hours. Because of anger. Misery. Trauma."

This time, Jeno hesitated before humming again, a much shorter, more clipped noise.

On instinct, Jaemin shuffled closer and placed his arms around Jeno's shoulders. The older moved so the two could lay sprawled on Jaemin's bed, the younger holding Jeno again.

Jaemin's tone was soft and comforting, sweet as honey when he asked, "It's clear this wasn't your first time doing something like that. Why didn't you tell anyone?"

Breathing in, Jeno pondered on how much he should share.

Jaemin wasn't supposed to see him in the state he was in on the bathroom floor. Jaemin wasn't supposed to see or know about his rare episodes of utter brokenness. Jaemin wasn't supposed to see him at his most vulnerable, raw and bare.

Yet Jaemin did. And Jeno couldn't evade the situation, pretend as if nothing happened. He'd have to explain himself.

So he drew in another long, shaky breath and replied, "Yeah, this isn't the first time I've acted out like that because of something that happened in my life. I've barely spiralled since coming here. Back in Korea, things were a lot worse. I would harm more than just my... surroundings. But trust me, I'm better now. The most I do is, well, break stuff. Like your mirror."

Jaemin's shattered pieces of his heart broke more as he listened to the older. To know that Jeno had struggled in Korea and had begun to feel better only to crash down again made his heart yearn to love and comfort the older. And so he voiced exactly that. "Jeno-- fuck. Do you know how scared I was? My heart broke seeing you crying like that, and the fact that you didn't seem to care about the glass surrounding you and hurting you, I--"

"I'm sorry," Jeno said honestly, clutching onto Jaemin's waist tighter. "I was feeling a lot better the past few years, and anyway, I don't think you would've cared--"

Volume didn't raise, but his tone was sharp as Jaemin hissed, "Fuck, Jeno, of course I'd care, even if we weren't friends and I still hated you!"

"Yeah, 'cause it's your bathroom I'm crying on and your bathroom mirror I'm cracking--"

"Shut up." Jaemin sighed, voice back to gentle and caring. "I couldn't give half a shit about the bathroom, I care about you. You're beautiful, you deserve to be happy." Jeno flushed a little, shocked at the sudden compliment before Jaemin continued, "Now, do you want to tell me what else had caused this? The... trauma?"

Despite his previous internal debate, this time, Jeno didn't think before he launched into the story. He trusted Jaemin. "A year after you left Korea, my dad died."

The pink-haired nodded, vaguely remembering when his mother had told him of the news. Of course, his young self had felt bad and sorry for Jeno's loss but over time, it became partially forgotten information in the back of his mind.

"I was there," Jeno continued, "I was fucking there. We were in an alley using a shortcut, and sketchy guys showed up. They killed him and ran. I tried to fight, but I was too small, too weak, too useless and worthless. I couldn't fucking save him."

Jeno's tone grew fiercer as he continued the story, eyes hardening.

"I couldn't call anyone 'cause I didn't have a phone and his was wrecked. If I knew how to fight, if I found a way to call someone, if I wasn't stupid-- I could've saved him. But no, I fainted. I fucking fainted because I was so damn useless and when I woke up he was gone and my mom was crying and-- Now Jisung's gone too and there was so much I could've done to save him, literally anything, I wouldn't have even needed to fight but I didn't do shit and now he's gone too because I'm a fucking useless--"

He cut himself off, gasping as Jaemin held him tighter, rubbing soothing circles on the older's back and kissing his hair again.

It started to come together now, specific things Jeno would say or his role in events. "That's why you were the first to come running and fought those guys in the alley. And that morning after you took me out partying, I said, 'You don't make someone drink their problems away 'cause then the problems won't go away', and you said you couldn't deal with your own problems. You weren't being relatable, you were serious."

The older stayed still, furrowing his eyebrows before slowly nodding. "I'm surprised you remember, more whipped for me than I thought."

"No u," Jaemin muttered, and he kissed Jeno's cheek.

Silence.

"Listen, uhm," the pink-haired inhaled and gathered his thoughts to deliver them in what he hoped would be a coherent manner.

"This is a generic, unoriginal, broad phrase to use, but you're worth a lot. You're worth too much to feel that way, worth too much to have... harmed yourself in the past, worth too much to-- yeah. Those feelings are normal, but only to a very limited extent. We're blinded by our individual perceptions, we see the world through a very biased lens, so everything we experience and think is essentially fake 'cause it's our personal interpretation of what we believe to exist."

Jeno cocked his head, intrigued at where Jaemin's speech was going.

"Bad and good shit constantly happens — or we think they do since everything is only bad or good because that's how we assume them to be. But sometimes, we seriously overdramatize situations, distort them completely from a logical 'reality'. I won't say 'don't hate or blame yourself because that's not what your dad or Jisung would've wanted', that's overused theoretical bullshit. What I will say is that you're slightly too biased to see reality.

"People hate themselves, blame themselves, think they're not good enough, think they're unloved, which is all heavily biased thinking. That's the hard thing: others didn't make you hate yourself, you allowed yourself to, therefore, others can't make you feel better. I couldn't say shit to change your perception, and it's true for everyone. Ultimately, you own yourself; you can only be influenced, not changed. You're the only one in power to change yourself.

"It's easy to think you're insignificant, that nothing you do matters since the universe is huge, which is true but not really. Again, thinking you're insignificant is a perception you're creating for yourself. You have an impact, it's small as fuck but it's still there.

"So when I tell you nothing was your fault, when I say you're beautiful, smart, kind, loved, an amazing, special person, I can't convince you. It's all on you. The journey to self-love, as cheesy as it sounds is something you go on at your own pace, stan Stray Kids. Just know that when it gets bad, so unbearable you feel like you're suffocating or drowning or burning, that's a reality you're creating for yourself. Your dad and Jisung wasn't your fault, you're more than enough, and you're loved by a lot of people. Hard to see that, but that's the true reality.

"I dunno what to think or feel, I wish this was a dream, I wish none of this fucking happened but it did. You need to step out of your biased perception and face the reality that it happened, but it wasn't your fault. And know that I'm here. Your father and Jisung might not be, but I am, I always will be."

Silence.

Jeno murmured, "Thank you. I needed that."

"You're welcome," the younger replied. "I'll never let go, unlike Rose, that fucking whore."

Jeno laughed lightly. "Never thought I'd be the Jack to your ratchet Rose."

"Me neither," Jaemin agreed. "A year ago I wouldn't have even let you sleep with me."

"We still did on that first day," Jeno smirked, laughing when Jaemin rolled his eyes.

"Shut up."

And Jeno did.

They continued to lie there holding each other.

Smiles slowly slipped off their faces as a heavy, somber atmosphere returned.

"I still don't believe it," Jaemin murmured.

The older nodded, knowing exactly what Jaemin was referring to.

"How?" Jaemin continued, voicing the thoughts that had spun around all the Dreamies' heads that night — or early morning. "Just like that? How does that happen? It was too uncalled for."

"That's life, I guess," Jeno stated, voice also quiet. "One minute you're comfortable, everything's finally settled into place, the next, something unexpected disturbs you again, reminding you nothing gold can stay."

"You know Robert Frost?"

"I know all iconic famous people: Obama, Ronald Mcdonald, Matty B Raps--"

"Shut up."

And again, Jeno did.

And again, they submersed themselves into their thoughts. Everything was real but felt like a strange trance. An odd contentment, locked in a bubble where nothing can touch you yet you're swamped with all. Almost like feeling high, but nothing exhilarating. Maybe it was because it was 6 am, or because of Jisung's passing, or because they were slowly finding a way to cope together.

Eventually, it faded away, and the boys drifted off into dream.

Their two broken, destitute, crying souls had begun to mend, restore, strengthen each other so they felt almost normal, fine, okay again.  

▬▬▬▬▬▬♢▬▬▬▬▬▬

[ cнapтer ғorтy-one ➛ end ]

[a/n]: triple updateeeeee fuck i should write my essay

for those y'all who don't remember, chap twenty-juan after jaemin wakes up hungover, he talks w no-jam:

(Jaemin:) "You don't make someone party and drink their problems away, or the problems never fucking go away!"

(Jeno:) "It's not like I can even deal with my own problems, how do you expect me to help you?!"

Almost screaming, Jaemin shot up and sent a death glare to Jeno. "What problems could you possibly-- oh wait. Salami girl."

"She's not what I was referring to as 'my problems' but yeah, she's pretty fucking annoying," (jeno goes on to explain how salami girl was a kween saying 'choke me to death senpai oppa sunbaenim daddy' and jaemin references that girl who got a hammer stuck in her mouth bc of suga and then i roast non yoonmin shippers c; it's lit)

edit (11/02/20): yes i edited the last chap and this one. thinking back on this book, i really don't like the self-harm part i had previously written, so ive changed it.