I talk a lot about video games. How much I love them, my personal favourites, things like that. I could on for, I kid you not, hours and hours about this deep-rooted passion.

But I've never really talked about why video games mean so much to me. And I guess the main reason for that is because I don't know how to explain it without getting sentimental and over-sharing.

I try not to talk about my personal life too much. The internet doesn't seem like the place for that, and it feels like the world just doesn't have room for another anxious teenager with a rocky home life. But I think now, the way I've grown up has had a huge hand in my gaming habits and love of the hobby.

I've mentioned before that my parents are teachers. They work long hours almost all day every day to make ends meet trying to care for two kids and a dog. This has always been the case for as long as I can remember.

Back when I was in regular school, I didn't really have any friends. And even in activities like Girl Scouts I had trouble connecting with anyone (I made some friends but we kind of fell out and don't talk anymore). I was also an only child in a neighbourhood that didn't have any kids, so from a very early age I learned how to keep myself occupied to stave off any loneliness.

I read and played with toys and watched cartoons or listened to audiobooks. Anything and everything to keep myself distracted, stimulated, sane. After I turned eight and got introduced to video games via my dad and World of Warcraft, gaming became a huge part of my life.

It was like all of my current hobbies combined into this amazing form of media. A whole world for me to escape into right at my fingertips, a place to become another person and live another life, at least for a while.

I think I've always known that I was... different from my classmates. Nobody else got in trouble for doodling on their papers, but I almost always did because I just happened to finish writing assignments first and would get bored. The teachers went out of their way to tell my parents I was reading at a much higher level than anyone else in my class for that grade.

And while I appreciated the compliment and felt good about achieving something... I also just felt kind of distanced from everyone as a result. It felt like I didn't belong, like my brain just didn't work the same way as everyone else's and that it was a bad thing.
(This and the getting in trouble for no good reason is actually why I was homeschooled after that.)

It felt like the world wasn't going to accept me; it wasn't built for me and didn't want me because I was different. But video games offered me an out. If the real world wasn't where I belonged then I could live in the Pokémon world instead. Or Azeroth. Or the Mushroom Kingdom. Or Hyrule.

Anywhere that just wasn't here.

From then on, video games became my coping mechanism. The characters in them saw me at my best and worst but were still always there to comfort me when everything else feels like it's falling apart. They were the one constant I could always control, and their worlds not only accepted me but needed me to defend them.

Even now my first instinct when everything feels like too much is to boot up Pokémon X or something on my 3DS. Even now this reality still doesn't totally feel like home, not on the same level that Kalos does. Even now I don't know what I have to offer or who would want whatever it is.

But... somehow... you guys (and my offline friends) have really opened the door to me having real people in my life. I don't only have video games to keep me company during meltdowns anymore, because now it's you guys doing that. You come on Discord and stay with me until I feel better.

I really... can't figure out why that is, though I'm always going to be grateful.

I won't ever just stop gaming altogether, I don't think. I enjoy it too much for that. But I can't express how amazing it feels to know that there are people out there who care about me. To know that I'm not a burden, not really. To know that even if this world wasn't built for me, there are people in it who want me here anyway.

My anxiety has been pretty bad lately. I'm about to enrol in college this fall, and have to start thinking about getting a job and eventually my own place. Thinking about the future has always been stressful because I've just locked myself into this mindset that there isn't a future, not for me.

But... you know what? Maybe there is a future for me out there and I just haven't seen it yet.

I used to relate to Dimentio's goals in Super Paper Mario a lot (Count Bleck's too kind of but I don't have a romantic partner so). Still kind of do. And I've always felt like I have a little piece of him inside my brain, stirring up all those negative emotions. For the longest time I wanted nothing more than to turn it off, be rid of him forever.

Maybe that was going about it the wrong way though. I don't think separating key parts of my personality from myself is healthy or even going to work. And that's okay. I've always been that person who looks at a villain and thinks that maybe they wouldn't be so bad if someone just offered them a helping hand. Dimentio would be my first choice for a redemption arc anyway.

It's just a lot harder to complete that arc when you have to lend that helping hand to yourself.

I want to make it work though. Even if I still have to use a gaming analogy/headcanon to get there. And I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to every single one of you for sticking it out with me and helping me get this far. For letting me know that being different is okay. That struggling with my self esteem, identity, and growing up isn't something I have to go through alone. That it's okay for me to change, especially if that change makes me happier in the long run.

A villain is just one redemption arc away from being a hero, after all.