an excerpt from my diary during my depression days.

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dear you,

remember that night we stayed up till 5 am chasing the sunrise with our sleep deprived eyes? remember that time we went out to get fries but ended up buying ice cream which you spilled all over me? i remember. i remember being upset with you. after all, you ruined my favourite lavender dress.

you never understood colours. for you, purple and lavender were the same colours, one dark and one light. you looked so frustrated trying to come up with the perfect scarf for your mother's birthday. you could never understand women's choices.

you never liked sappy movies. and yet, you used to stay up with me all night watching them on repeat. i remember us video calling and sitting comfortably in silence, while we watched the protagonists fall in love.

maybe i fell in love with you that night too. maybe i fell in love with you just a little bit more than i already did. maybe you fell in love with me too that night.

we went through the same emotions, didn't we? the only difference? i wanted to stay but you walked away.

you walked away from my emotions.
you walked away from a future.
you walked away from me.

and that night, a little part of me broke. and i knew that it would never be what it was again. but am i racing across the street trying to tell you what i've just realised? no. because maybe, that little part of me is still afraid.

afraid of feeling.
afraid of being so happy that when everything comes crashing down, i won't be able to recover.
afraid of loving my best friend so much that my heart nearly breaks everytime i think about you.

one thing's for sure. i'll never be as courageous as you are. i'm sorry. this is my way of redeeming myself for not running home to you. by writing a series of letters i hope you will never read.

i love you. always have, always will.

someone who you once cared about,
me.