TITLE | THE ARISTOCRAT'S DAUGHTER

GENRE | NEW ADULT

AUTHOR | annabellacx

CHAPTERS REVIEWED | 5

SPECIAL REQUESTS | READER ENGAGEMENT, STYLE AND CHARACTERS

TITLE | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

since i only reviewed five chapters, this might not be completely relevant to your story. i didn't really understand how the title makes sense when mel is just a normal girl and the aristocrat she's involved with is a guy. also, kai mentions having a brother so idk who else the title could be about. is it massie?

ps. did you know kai means food? lmao, you really could eat him up, he's that good. that was a terrible joke, let's just move on.

COVER | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

honestly? i found it really beautiful. the neutral tones and the handwritten font really built up the aesthetic of the cover! however, there's a girl and a guy on the cover and the title says the aristocrat's daughter. judging only by the cover, it can be confusing for new readers who go into the book thinking mel is the daughter in question. guess it's just something i'll have to read to figure out haha.

BLURB | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

it's perfect! short and to the point, it briefly describes the plot without giving too much away. mel and kai are introduced well into their roles. the mysterious aristocrat's daughter is also mentioned, providing credibility to the title. it's driving me crazy not knowing who that is which is also a bonus point for you! it just means that you made readers wonder and that gives you a better shot at engaging them!

PLOT | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

so far, i enjoyed the plot and it's intricacies. however, the rich mom, bad attitude character is overused in my wattpad books. also, i found mel's admission to kingston university a bit thin; does kai's father offer scholarships to every worker's kid employed with him? you could maybe introduce a scene where she is simply coding to get her mind off of things. kai's father finds her working and maybe, he is impressed and ends up offering her a chance at a scholarship.

CHARACTERS | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

i'll begin with kai lmao. absolutely likeable, asks consent, has a mini library, buys lunch, we really ask for nothing more. however, his character just swings between downright nasty and naughty to kind and calm billionaire (??????) there were instances when he says things like "can't i just do something without you questioning my motives" to "it's young master, kitten, bite me" lmao. maybe you could give him a more human appeal and make him less of a sex symbol (did that make sense 😭)

now, mel. stubborn, headstrong, driven by pure instinct and gut, she's absolutely my second favourite character. i understand how her mother's job makes her feel, it's only natural. i also like how she's also perfectly human who makes mistakes and eventually rectifies them.

drum roll please, massie, my favourite character (for now, i'm very fickle)! although we did not see much of her in the first five chapters, i like how she is not a complete bitch. considering how she wears a coat worth a year's rent, the fact that she smiled at mel and didn't dismiss her, really broke the cliché for me.

talking about ryan, PLEASE TELL ME HE IS A POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I CANNOT EVEN. again, not a lot of scenes with him in it but he's adorable so far!

i really do not like kai's mother. she's an absolutely terrible human being and i wish i could slap her through the phone. also, she's way too possessive about her darling son and so goddamn toxic. while on that subject, her husband gave off sugar daddy vibes to me. i understand that that was not your intention so maybe you could work on his dialogue. make him sound more professional and less creepy!

mel's mother on the other hand, completely real and understandable. a lot of mothers don't consider what their children think. it's always about the best places she can send her children but is it really their best place? mel's mom was just like that and the image was constructed perfectly!

GRAMMAR | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

i know you like being straightforward so here it goes! a list of potential errors and my suggestions:

'How come? You can bring girls home now that we are no longer together.'

in a mature book, i'm pretty sure words like fuck, shit, bitch, slut and whore are allowed and won't be considered as breaking any guidelines.

"I have something to tell you."

"Is it perhaps because I walked in on you... doing things?"

"Did you follow me?"

"And your pants are bulging, even though the scene is not even that good."

"I haven't seen you in a formal outfit in ages."

My only/last choice then was asking people around.

It was a shiny black Mercedes. (it sounds like a master yoda sentence when you say: a shiny, black Mercedes, it was. to answer power with power, the jedi way this is not. i love star wars k bye).

just because he walked in on me doing... things, I didn't imagine it gave him a free ticket to the shit show called my life.

DESCRIPTIONS | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ .5

not a ton to say here except that you've described your characters pretty well, their surroundings and emotions. i cannot really find a flaw here except for the fact that you could fix a few grammatical errors while describing Kai. there was a place where you described his lips as plumb instead of plump. plumb means to explore or to measure while plump means having a full and round shape. i cannot find that screenshot ugh kill me.

DIALOGUES | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

the one line that i have to point out first:

has this guy lost his marbles? 😭 he sounds like a literal dilf here. just popped out of nowhere, called mel near him on the couch and boom! scholarship granted.

FLOW/LOOPHOLES | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

no loopholes so far, yay! my only request here would be that you keep informing the readers of your character's whereabouts. one moment mel is behind the cash register, the next she is boarding a bus. i went back up to check if i had missed a point or two but i hadn't.

maybe you could insert a small paragraph where you tell us that mel left the diner and is now walking on the sidewalk while talking to her mom on the phone.

ENGAGEMENT | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

let me just say this first: there was never a dull moment. i thoroughly enjoyed kai's 'bad boy' appeal, mel's independence, massie's sobering presence, ryan's fun character, it all just blends together.

having said that, i would suggest increasing the fluidity in your speech. there were some instances where the sexual content was too brazen; for example, the library scene. it didn't feel realistic when they're making all sorts of sound and absolutely no one hears. not even a librarian? maybe someone calls out to them, they get embarrassed and rush out hastily? idk but if you smooth it out in your own way, i think it'll work wonders!

FINAL VERDICT | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

for fans of fifty shades of grey but with more realism and better character development, your book hits the right spot (haha, i'm horrible with these puns, nvm). i believe your book has great potential and i simply cannot wait to finish reading it! look out for my rants about kai's mother!