CHAPTER THREE: I'M SORRY

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the cop's eyes wandered around, not finding anything strange or off.

"well that was fun," jj laid back. we were all back on the boat by this point, "could have warned us sooner."

"we would have, except pope was on the math team," kie shrugged.

"you were on the math team?" jj scoffed lightly.

"the cops took everything like it was a crime scene," john b changed the subject.

"did you guys find anything?" pope wondered.

"did we find anything? no, i don't think so. oh yeah, we did," jj announced, holding money and that goddamn gun. then, he pointed it at me jokingly.

"jj," my breath hitched. no, no, no, elsie, don't freak out, it's fine, it's jj, it's jj.

"why, what's the big-"

"oh shit," it dawned on jj once he looked into my now visibly teary eyes. "i'm-"

"jj, it's okay, i'm just being dramatic," i wiped the few tears that fell as i tried to remain stiff and tough.

"no, no, no, come here," he pulled me in for a tight hug. i buried my face into his chest, finally letting out soft sobs.

"good going, you made a pogue cry. on top of that, you made elsie cry, out of all of us," pope raised his voice at jj, becoming defensive.

"i've never seen her cry, like ever," kie thought.

"i-i'm sorry. i didn't mean to," jj let out, resting his chin on the top of my head, still comforting me.

-

-

"okay. so um, we didn't see anything. we don't know anything. we need to have total and complete amnesia," pope came in and sat down. we were all on john b's porch, and it was about an hour after my breakdown. i was still embarrassed. i knew jj wouldn't do anything ever, obviously. but it just brought me back to the feeling of the cold gun pressed against my head and ready to fire. i finally thought i had moved on, but now it's all back and worse.

"actually, pope's right for once," jj said, playing with my hair. we were sitting on a couch and i was laying down. my head was resting on his lap. "see, i agree with you sometimes. deny, deny, deny."

"guys, we can't keep that money," kie, one of the two voices of reason spoke out.

"okay, not all of us can afford unlimited data plans, kiara," jj countered.

"we have to pass that off to lana grubbs. otherwise, it's bad karma," kie addressed.

"bad karma to be implicated in a felony, too," pope added, "we gotta go dark."

"if that means we get to keep the money, then i agree," jj nodded.

"i don't agree," john b said in merely a whisper.

"what? why?"

"just think about it. this is scooter grubbs we're talking about. same dude that's buying individual cigarettes at the porthole. shit, one time i saw this dude begging for change in the save-a-lot parking lot because he needed gas. we're talking about a dirtbag marina rat who's never had more than 40 bucks in his pocket, and all of a sudden, he's got a grady-white? just sayin," john b rattled on. we continued talking about the subject for a while. don't get me wrong, john b actually had a point.

"all we need to do right now is figure out a way to get into the cargo hold of that wreck. until then, we just lay low. just act normal," jj answered.

"right. and how exactly do we do that?" pope inquired.

"kegger?" kie suggested.

-

-

the five of us went to the secluded beach, called the boneyard, and we just began to enjoy ourselves. there's many layers to the boneyard. there's the working class, which us pogues classify as. next, there are the kooks. they're the rich second-homers. boarding schools, all that shit; those are kooks for you. our enemies. and lastly, the tourons. the ones just here for a vacation for a week and then you'll never see them again.

the party continued for hours, like always.

"look who it is," jj nudged me; topper and sarah. kooks, naturally.

"ugh, vomit," i rolled my eyes, finishing off a beer.

"when we get married, we will never be like topper and sarah. there's no effing way," jj nonchalantly mentioned, like it was an every day thing to be talking about getting married, specifically a fellow pogue.

"you think we're getting married?" i smiled at him, genuinely, "and what about no pogue on pogue macking?"

"screw that," he slung an arm around me.

"hey jj?" i looked at him seriously.

"what's up princess?" he looked down at me.

"i'm sorry, about earlier. that was stupid as hell," i shook my head, frustrated with myself.

"showing emotions?" he asked as i nodded gently, "have the episodes been happening again?" he puzzled.

"not until today. but, it's like, so much worse. amplified. my heart goes into my throat and i can't breathe," i relived what i was feeling earlier in the day.

"but none of that was happening earlier?" jj pulled me in closer.

"oh, it was. i just did everything i could to not show it. tough persona, you know? it didn't work though, clearly," i chuckled lightly.

"are you scared to show your emotions to me or something?" jj asked another question, growing concerned about my mental state.

"showing emotion was a no-no in my house when i was younger. if i did, i'd have my dad to deal with," i remembered the distant memories that seemed like a lifetime ago.

"the sick mother fucker. you know, i wish i could just beat his ass. to get my anger out," his fists clenched.

"i could say the same for your father," i brought up casually.

"oh, yeah," jj scoffed, "we got some daddy issues, huh?" he looked down at me.

"you could say that. look," i motioned towards sarah cameron and topper, who were now talking to john b.

"oh wait. hey, hey, hey, sarah! sarah, can i interest you in a tasty milkwaukee beverage?" john b asked.

"what in the world-" jj said as we inched closer to hear the conversation better.

"no, thanks," sarah replied bitterly.

"is it not fancy enough for you?" jj added, him and i walking up to them.

"no. we were just leaving," sarah groaned.

"hey, you know what? i'll take it. thank you man, i appreciate it," topper cut in.

"that's nice, but you weren't asked. if you said pretty please, then maybe. but you didn't," jj continued as i laughed lightly.

"oh pretty please," topper asked yet again.

"no sarah, you can-"

topper flung the drink in jj's face, soaking the both of us.

"what the hell topper?" i shouted.

"no, no, no,no," john b stopped jj from lunging at the annoying-ass pogue.

"dirty pogues," topper spoke. that caused john b to run and shove him. pope attempted to tell him to stop. we were supposed to be living normally; he's right.

before you know it, they are having a full blown fight. john b is obviously losing. he wasn't the best when it came to fighting. he had a lot of anger, but he didn't know exactly how to exert it.

"hey john b, don't make me drown you like your old man," topper spat. that set him off. anger was building up inside of me, and i didn't even realize that jj had been holding me back.

"it's okay, you don't need to help him darlin'," jj whispered in my ear.

"stop, john b!" i heard kie call out.

"jj, he's drowning him. he's drowning him!" i raised my voice nervously.

"i'll go," jj said as he let go of me.

a minute later, i saw jj walk up to the fighting boys. he pulled something out of his pocket that was completely uncalled for.  the gun.

"oh my god," i let the words come out of my mouth. almost all of the people started running out of the boneyard immediately. i slowly backed up. no, no, no. i knew that i couldn't hold it back anymore. my emotions were out of control. the visuals in my head were coming back to me. the sound the gun made when it went off and the bullet went through my mom's skull. and the thud when her body fell to the ground.

i heard jj yell something that i couldn't even hear straight. and then i heard gunshots. they sounded the exact same as i remembered. i was unaware that i had now fallen on the ground onto the sand and was sobbing.

"elsie. elsie. elsie," i heard my name called around me. i looked up and saw the other four pogues surrounding me. all i wanted to do in that moment was apologize for being like this. they knew about the ptsd, but they never saw me actually have an episode.

a person helped me up to my feet, which i couldn't even stand on in the moment. i'm almost positive it was jj. his touch was familiar. i put my limp arms around his neck, and i wrapped my legs around his torso so he could carry me. my cries into his chest slowly dwindled down as his shirt slowly became drenched with salty tears.

"i wanna marry you too," were the first words that came out of my mouth in one piece.

-

-

before i knew it, we arrived back at my home. my aunt wasn't home; she was visiting some distant family across the country for a couple weeks. my eyes were closed as i felt the blankets gently being draped over my tiny body.

he began to leave the room solemnly.

"jj," i sat up, back to my almost-normal self.

"yeah?" he turned around, surprised i was awake.

"do you wanna stay? unless you have somewhere you need to be," i smiled slightly.

"i was hoping you'd ask me that," he laid down beside me,"elsie?" the name came out of his mouth quietly.

"yeah?" i sat up.

"do you remember what you said earlier?"

"i do, jj, i do," i admitted. i couldn't lie to him.

"do you regret it?" he took my hand.

"no, jj. i don't," i hesitated.

screw it.

i leaned in, and i connected our lips together. he was shocked at first, but he soon caught on. i pulled away and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly.

"jj?" i moved a piece of his hair out of his face and looked right at his gorgeous eyes.

"yes, gorgeous?"

"imagine if we got married, just like you said," i looked down and smiled at the thought, "not a big ceremony or anything, unless you'd like that. but i'm thinking, a big ass honeymoon. yucatan. your favorite. or somewhere tropical, where we can surf and swim and fall asleep on the beach. and then we leave this place, or we can stay. it doesn't matter. and then, we have two kids. and we won't be the parents that we have to deal with. we'll be in love forever. and that's all i have."

"wow," he sighed, "and when did you think of this?"

"while i was crying," i burst into laughter.

"i'm sorry. none of this would be happening if it wasn't for me," jj looked down.

"jj, i'm fine. that shit isn't happening again. just a simple breakdown. vulnerable and elsie waters just don't mix. "

"you were a softy alright," he teased.

"fuck you!"

"no. you, fuck me," jj's eyes met mine as they practically dazzled. i remained silent, too scared to tell him that i wasn't ready. what if he'd ditch me?

"i was kidding love," jj kissed me on the nose, "of course it's tempting, but i would never force that on you. that's douchey"

"let's go to sleep," i yawned. the two of us laid back. i was as close to jj as humanly possible.

"what do you want gorgeous?" he spoke quietly, trying to cater to my needs after a rough night.

"can you just hold me? you make me feel safe, j," he did just that immediately. with a free hand, he played with my hair, which almost instantly lulled me to sleep.

"i love you," he mumbled, noticing that i seemed asleep.

"i love you too," i hummed.

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{2208 words}

i wanna give yall a lil psa. you'll see elsie handle her past trauma, along with trauma that happens in the book, in different ways as opposed to how you see it in other books usually. i'm not saying there is anything wrong with the way that's written AT ALL! i've written it like that in books before.

but, there are many ways trauma is dealt with, based on the person. i have dealt with serious issues related to elsie's past and what she goes through in the book. with me personally, i cope with it all as humor (i always have, ever since i was around eight or nine), and it's never affected me negatively, despite how horrible that sounds! i just wanted to put that out there :)

ally