EXPEDITE ▇▇▇▇ VOLUME TWO
━━ ❛ 𝒍𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏 ❜

chapter no. 035!

     THE ANGER CAME IN WAVES OF BLACK AND BLUE, THREATENING TO CONSUME HER ENTIRELY. It was her master. It had been for months now. She was at the mercy of its whims, and, at times, it gnawed at her with such force that she feared it would leave her with nothing but an empty heart.

     Her head was pounding as she marched towards her car, silent, salty tears flowing down her cheeks. Slamming the car door shut, the redhead threw her purse into the passenger seat in frustration, photographs spilling everywhere.

     "Dammit, dammit, dammit!" she yelled, striking the palms of her hands against the steering wheel. Falling back into the seat, she squeezed her eyes shut as her chest rose up and down laboriously.

     Why couldn't she get past it? Why couldn't she just make it stop?

     A small sob escaped her mouth as flashes of Athena's pale, lifeless face played in her mind. She placed her head on the steering wheel as her body began to shake, sobs racking her spine.

     No matter how often she tried to accept what she'd done or how her life was now, it didn't work. It didn't help. All it did was make it more real.

     She killed someone.

     She took another person's life.

     She took away her best friend's life.

     Athena Caples was dead because of her.

     Why did this have to happen? Why did the Speed Force make her the one to do it?

     No matter how much she strived to be the person her conscience wanted her to be, the memories would keep taunting her with her mistakes. Each time the regret reemerged, she would analyze it again, hoping that this time her mind would be satisfied with her self-professed remorse, but it never was. Like an unforgiving ghost, it would be back tomorrow to haunt her all over again.

     Piper Lita was no longer Piper Lita.

     Expedite was no longer Expedite.

     She wasn't the hero the city deserved and wasn't sure if she would ever be good enough to be. Her perspective and morality were damaged and compromised. It had been for months. Her job wasn't as fun or fulfilling anymore. The redhead dreaded having to put on that purple suit. It only reminded her of what she'd become recently.

     Aureolin did so much damage to her soul. She turned her into an emotional, roller-coaster mess, and Piper hadn't even had a chance to heal before Savitar entered the picture.

     Athena destroyed her life, but Savitar turned her into shattered shards of glass.

     The blue and silver speedster was obsessed with messing with her mind—her memories. That was how he kept winning. All he had to do was use his telepathy to project illusions and recall past events. It was as simple as that.

     Her eyes fluttered open to be met with a soft, white light. Blinking, the redhead sat up, her brows furrowing together in a jagged line as her brain tried to understand what it was she'd just re-lived.

     Was that a memory from the two days she couldn't remember?

     "Guys, she's up," a voice called, causing Piper to look up. Cisco was standing at the end of the bed. She was back at her and Barry's apartment.

     Damn, thought I'd never think that before.

     Directing her gaze to the door, a jumble of people piled into the bedroom. "Piper," Barry breathed, rushing over to her side and sitting down, "how're you feeling?" She felt her muscles relax when she swept her eyes over the familiar gazes of Erin, Iris, Caitlin, and Cisco.

     She was safe.

     "I uh, I feel fine," Piper answered, meeting the concerned gaze of Barry Allen. "What happened? With Dr. Alchemy and the Rival?"

     Barry pressed his lips together, looking away as Caitlin and Cisco shared a glance. It was silent as she waited for someone to answer her question.

     Erin sighed, rolling her eyes at the dramatics of everyone. "They had a message from Savitar that they were to deliver personally," she spoke up, crossing her arms.

     Piper's eyes turned to a dark, hollow brown at the mention of the infamous speedster, and she clenched her jaw. "What was the message?" she asked roughly, looking at her best friend.

     "You called me the Caruthers City Cacodemon, the serial killer speedster. I wonder what you'll call me now." Erin recited, ignoring the glares shot her way.

     Everyone had agreed that they wouldn't tell Piper what'd happened until they were positive she could handle it without blacking out or losing time. They wanted to do everything they could to help her become, and stay, stable. Erin, per usual, didn't agree and believed that the redhead could handle anything if it was given to her in an appropriate manner.

     Looking back at the woman he was in love with, Barry watched diligently as she tried to understand the message. Her brows were furrowed, and she was frowning.

     "I-I don't remember ever calling Savitar the Caruthers City Cacodemon. That's what the press nicknamed him before he made it public that his name was Savitar, but I never referred to him as that." Piper shook her head, confusion laced in her words. The hollowness in her eyes had faded, and the normal warm chocolate brown was back at full force.

     "What did you refer to him as?" Iris asked, also ignoring the glares sent her way.

     Piper looked to the reporter. "We didn't know what to call him, so for a while, we just called him the Silver Speedster."

     Cisco nodded, walking around and sitting beside her on the bed, joining Barry. "I'm sorry about Harry. Sometimes he just really doesn't know when to shut his damn mouth," he apologized, causing her to chuckle lightly.

     "It's fine, I'm fine. The topic of... Savitar is touchy. That includes the people who work for him. I'm just not comfortable talking about—"

     "You don't owe us an explanation, Piper, really. We understand, and we'll give you all the time you need." Caitlin cut in, giving her a sweet smile. Piper returned the gesture, feeling someone intertwine their fingers with hers. Sparks shot up her spine, and she immediately knew who it was.

     Turning her head, her eyes locked with Barry's. Another smile tugged at the corner of her lips, and she squeezed his hand softly, running her thumb over the top of it.

     "Speaking of time," Iris spoke up, causing all heads to turn to her, "it seems like the two of you could use some. We'll see you tomorrow."

     Cisco quickly hugged Piper before darting out of the room, the three women following behind him.

     Once the door to the apartment closed shut, the brown-haired man quickly wrapped his arms around the woman in front of him. Freezing for a split second, Piper quickly relaxed as she felt a hand run down her back. She wrapped her arms around his torso, pulling him closer as she closed her eyes, burying her head into the crook of his neck.

     A sigh of contentment came from Barry's lips as his heart continued to beat faster than he could ever run.

     She was back. She was home.

     It was still difficult for him to grasp the fact that she was actually there, with him, alive and breathing. All he'd wanted for months was for her to be back, and now she was.

     Having her back in his arms gave him an indescribable feeling; having her in this apartment with him brought on a wave of happiness that was consuming yet thrilling all at once. Kissing her earlier felt like a dream. A dream that he had dreamt a thousand times after she left.

     Barry slowly pulled away, bringing his hands up to cup her face. Clover-green met chocolate-brown as the two stared at one another in peaceful silence.

     "Am I supposed to say, "kiss me" this time or..." Piper trailed off awkwardly, watching as Barry laughed, his cheeks burning. She smiled at the sound of his laugh. "My mind went blank, and I couldn't think of anything to say except that."

     "I mean, you can if you want. I wouldn't mind," Barry shrugged, his lips curling into a flirtatious smirk.

     Raising her brows exceedingly high, she nodded. "Oh, okay, good to know," she breathed, her heart rate speeding up as the smile on his face blossomed more.

────

     HUFFING IN FRUSTRATION, PIPER LITA TURNED OVER ONTO HER BACK, STARING UP AT THE CEILING. The pillows were fluffy and welcoming. The temperature in the room was just the way she liked it, and she was even sleeping with her favorite blanket that she'd left behind months ago. All the conditions in which she was living right now were perfect. So, why couldn't she just fall asleep?

     Groaning, she turned her head and glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand. The glowing numbers blinked back at her. It was only one-thirty-five. She'd only been trying to sleep but failing miserably for the past two hours.

     A lingering haze of tiredness sat somewhere at the back of her mind but was too far away to reach, floating in the pool of unrecoverable memories.

     The gears in her brain were spinning rapidly, on high alert, as she only grew more frustrated and restless. It felt as if she were waiting for something to pull her into the depths of drowsiness. For some kind of epiphany to curl up next to her and whisper her to sleep.

     It wasn't like she wasn't used to a sleepless night. In fact, on Earth-Four, she'd gotten so used to them that she rarely slept. However, this time, her body was crying out for rest, and the one time she actually wanted to sleep— she couldn't.

     Maybe Barry's still awake.

     Pushing back the covers, the redhead got out of bed and walked towards her door. Turning the knob, she opened it and closed it once she had stepped out into the hallway. Her eyes adjusted more to the darkness, and she walked to the room across from hers, which used to be Erin's.

     Hesitating, she looked down at the hand that was hovering over the doorknob.

     Fuck it.

     Grabbing onto the knob, she opened the door gingerly, trying not to make much noise in case the brown-haired man was sleeping. She stepped into the room, closed the door behind her, and walked further in, her eyes swiveling to where the bed was across from the door.

     "Piper?" A soft but confused voice asked.

     The woman stopped in her tracks, tucking some hair behind her ear. "I uh, I can't sleep," she confessed quietly, watching as Barry sat up and patted the spot next to him on the bed. Making her way over, the man pulled back the covers, smiling to himself as she slid in beside him. The two of them laid down, their shoulders brushing in the darkness of the night.

     "I can't sleep either," Barry breathed, staring up at the ceiling.

     Piper glanced over at him, her eyes widening in the dark as she noticed that he had no shirt on. Gulping, she quickly averted her eyes back up to the ceiling. "How come?" she replied, resisting the urge to look back over.

     "I don't sleep a lot most nights. It's not like I don't want to, I just can't. My brain never shuts off." Barry admitted, turning his head to gaze at the redhead. "Why can't you?"

     "Same reason. I just can't shut off my thoughts," she mumbled, letting out a quiet sigh.

     Barry turned onto his side, facing her completely. "You're doing that cute little thing where you scrunch up your eyebrows and press your lips together. You only do that when something is bothering you. What's up?" He asked, his eyes focused on her.

     It was silent as the solemn woman stared up at the ceiling, breathing in deeply.

     There was an ongoing battle in her head about whether she should say anything about the flashbacks and pain. Yes, she told Damon she would let the team and Barry in, but would she really stick to her word? Should she? What if they saw her differently? If she was honest, would everything change?

     Everything in the universe kept reminding her that she wasn't the same person—the same Piper that everyone cared about. She was someone else. A person she didn't, and never wanted to, recognize.

     The woman she was now jumped whenever a door shut too loudly, isolated herself in the dark corners of a room, froze whenever someone called her "Pipes," had panic attacks weekly, constantly looked over her shoulder, terrified of letting people in and allowing herself to love someone, knowing that she might one day lose them. The woman she was now feared everything. And the worst part about all of it was that she did it to herself. She couldn't move on, which kept her in the endless cycle of self-hatred, tiredness, guilt, and fear.

     It was her fault that she was like this. It was her fault.

     Taking in a shallow breath, she licked her lips. "Do you know that feeling? Where you can't even explain what's wrong with yourself?" Piper asked, not daring to look over to the man beside her.

     Barry frowned, his forehead creasing as her question sunk in. Hesitantly, he nodded his head, "Yeah, I do."

     "What do you do? When you feel that way?" she whispered, finally meeting the somber gaze he wore.

     The speedster gulped, his eyes reading the desperation in hers' for an answer. "I uh, I tend to keep to myself; not let anyone know that something's wrong," he answered, watching as she nodded slightly.

     Silence draped back over the two of them like a blanket as he gazed at her with concerned eyes. Eventually, he turned back onto his back and slid over to where she lay.

     Feeling the touch of warm skin against her arm, Piper turned her head, her nose brushing against Barry's. Her eyes softened, and she forced a small smile before turning on her side to face him. The two of them held eye contact in the darkness of the night, their fingers brushing beneath the blankets.

     "You don't have to tell me what's going on or what you're feeling, but please know that I'm here. I will always be here for you. You can tell me anything, Piper." Barry whispered earnestly.

     She nodded. "Thank you, Barry," she whispered, a small lump rising in her throat. Moving closer, she wrapped her arm around his waist and leaned her head against his chest. Barry smiled before he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, mimicking her actions and wrapping his arm around her as well.