CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT

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FOR ETHAN EDWARDS, the night of the first party since being back from Thanksgiving break was becoming quite possibly the longest fucking party he had ever been to. He was never a big drinker, so consuming enough alcohol that he was tipsy was all that he wanted. But it wasn't all that he needed. No, what he needed was to be crossed, with a joint in one hand and an ice cold can of beer in the other, as his girl sat proud on his lap. But that sadly, is not what he got; no matter how much he hoped, how much he prayed, how much he rubbed his eyes hoping that he will just wake up in his bed with Anastasia fast asleep on top of him, he just couldn't seem to get what he needed.

Mark's words spread through his mind like wildfire– he couldn't tell if it was a warning, or just a plain fucking statement. But nonetheless, he hoped for the latter, that he could just help him put Lola to sleep and go straight down the hall to his own room. Sadly, he knew better than that; and over the past two years of knowing Mark Estapa, he knew not to mess with his girls. And unfortunately for Ethan, that's exactly what he did.

The last time he checked his phone, the time read 12:29 am. It had been at least a couple hours since he traced her thigh with his pinky, since he saw Nolan practically all over her, since Mark mumbled those intimidating and soul sucking words. Shockingly, Ethan had reminded his usual tipsy throughout most of the night, before it was time for him to start sobering up– in order for him to have a proper, conversation with his teammate.

The group of teammates never seemed to stray from one another, with them now sitting on a couch that was placed in the more-than crowded living room. The stark bass of Streets by Doja Cat enthralled the sea of intoxicated college students. A soft haze floated over them, bodies against bodies, joints being passed left and right, it truly was an American college party. Anastasia's skin was sticky with sweat, her obsidian hair stuck to the back of her neck and her cheeks were more than flushed, from the dancing she had done and from the alcohol she had consumed that night. She wasn't totally a goner, which shocked her friends and herself, if she was being honest. Her eyes were lidded from the all too familiar herb that seemed to make every nerve in her body buzz. She felt relaxed, free from all the stress that her schooling put on her, that she put on herself, that the longing feeling of love settled in her heart.

She squealed enthusiastically when she heard the introduction to the song, shockingly, a bottle of water sloshed around in her hand as she practically skipped to the couch against the wall that the boys sat on. She didn't dare look at him, knowing damn well that if she can barely trust herself sober, intoxicated her wouldn't be afraid to ask him to fuck her senseless then and there. So, she decided for the safest option, Luca. He grunted as she plopped down in his lap, her arm snaking around his neck in support, bringing the half-drunken water bottle up to her lips. He was taken aback at first, but nonetheless settled his hands around her waist, making sure she didn't fall. It was like a sixth sense, she could feel his gaze on her, burning into the side of her head as she looked out into the crowd. But she could also feel the longing in her heart, and the desire in her stomach, the countless hits off a random joint and the five vodka shots she took with Nolan was only making her feelings more intense. And her contradiction opinions within more separate.

Anastasia scrunched her nose as she saw Lola and Sofia make their way towards her, small pouts on both of their lips. "Why'd you leave?" "Yeah, c'mon it's our favorite song," Sofia whined, her body almost gravitating towards Luke who stood at an end of the couch. His arms reacted instantly to her, wrapping them around her shoulders as he placed a kiss on the crown of her head. And to Stassie's surprise, Lola stayed put in front of her, a pleading look on her face as she tried pulling her off of Luca's lap by her arm. "My feet were hurting," she shrugged, leaning more into Luca's chest.

The order on the absolutely filthy couch went Luca, Mackie, Dylan, and Rutger, with Ethan, Luke and Mark standing along the sides. Anastasia was surprised that her friend wasn't begging Mark to come dance with them. "That's bullshit, Stas, and you know it," Lola whined, as she made her way over to her lover, and placed her chin on his sternum. She looked up at him with pleading eyes, "Mark, can you guys please just come dance with us for one song?" Anastasia watched as he stifled out a chuckle, his arms wrapping around her as he placed a soft kiss on her pouted lips. He looked up towards his friends, his eyes never once looking at the guy who stood uncomfortably at his side. "Yeah I guess we could," he agreed, which made all three girls, including Stassie, eyes light up with excitement. It was true, her feet were hurting, the sides of her Doc Martins rubbed against her ankles. But, the fact that they finally got Mark to stop having a stick up his ass was enough to force herself to endure the pain. "But just one song." He nodded towards them, as the group made their way into the sea of people.

And it was almost like she jinxed the occasion.

Ethan puffed out a forceful breath out of annoyance, as he trailed behind Anastasia and Luca, whose fingers were interlaces loosely. He didn't want to be at this godforsaken party, and the only thing he had enjoyed the entire night was the slight buzz that he allowed himself to feel before he had to sober up. He hadn't even taken a hit of the joint that Grano offered him just under an hour ago. He wondered if he still had it.

The pang in his chest was the most pain he had ever felt at the sight. Her dancing with his friend, her arms around his neck as she leaned her head back, belting out the lyrics to the sensual song. Jealousy was not an emotion that he felt often until he met Anastasia Green. He didn't feel it with Alyssa, which was strange considering she had so many 'guy best friends'. But with her, his pretty girl, one wrong look from any guy, whether they were his friends or not would send him into a frenzy. But what hurt the most, what made his heart pound in his chest, even as he tried to drown himself in the deep bass that the song provided, was the fact that it was his fault. And he knew it too. The past week had been miserable with his mind teetering on the thin line of wanting nothing more than to apologize over and over again as he was buried deep inside of her.

He knew it sounded weird, an all too sexual despite the couples' (?) current situation, but he would give his life away if it meant that he could be hers. If he could be the one that brushed her soft hair out of her face, kissed every freckle that decorated her cheeks, traced his fingertips along her tanned skin. He wanted to be nothing but hers. He wanted nothing but the feeling of her muttering out 'I love you' as she bit into his shoulder, her body succumbing to the pleasure that he was making her feel. His body was pelted with guilt, he needed to make things right with her before his healing love fluttered away from his grasp.

ANASTASIA WHINED AS she was placed gently down on the soft duvet that laid unbothered on her bed. The girls' dorm room was decorated with warm lights, that to her, at the moment, looked like the stars that decorated the universe. The smell of vanilla and lavender floated lightly in the air of the room, taking her mind back to the oasis that she has been finding herself escaping to all too often over the last couple weeks. The feeling of his body against hers, her senses being overtaken by comfort and peace. Those of which come with love.

Since the two freshmen were in charge of taking care of the girl for the night, Luca suggested that Rutger went ahead to the other side of the dorms to their room. And plus, Stassie hadn't gotten completely shit faced, so he knew that compared to other nights, this would be a breeze. He thought.

"I don't wanna be here," she mumbled lowly, yet she couldn't help but feel her body practically melt into the softness of her pillow. Luca chuckled, as he sat on the corner of her bed and began unlacing her shoes, knowing that she hated sleeping in anything but a t-shirt and shorts. "Well where do you wanna be?" he questioned, a small smile on his face at the sight of his friend acting like a child high on sugar. Except in this case, she was a teenage high on weed. "I want his bed," she pouted, pushing herself up on her hands that rested on the bed behind her. She helped him in wiggling her feet out of her painful shoes. Luca couldn't help but chuckle slightly, "Your boyfriend's bed?" He leaned down to place her Doc Martins under her bed. He heard a hum of acknowledgment, as readjusted his position, only to see that she had moved closer to him.

Her eyes were heavy and her hair was in disarray, and the smallest of pouts graced her lips. "I miss him," she grumbled, as she looked down at her hands that laid in her lap, beginning to pick at her nails. Luca tsked, a placed his hand on top of hers, signaling her to stop.

He was partially aware about what crumbled between them, basing everything he knew based on what Stassie had told him while they walked to Yost Arena for practice after their classes one day. He knew that he broke her heart. He knew that she had never been more hurt by anyone ever before in her life. He knew that it crushed her. And what 'that' was he didn't know, given that she wasn't going into much detail about the whole situation, and he didn't push. He could tell that it was a painful topic for her, and just over these couples of months that she had been with him, he could also tell just how happy he made her. He knew that she still loved him, despite the pain he had put her through.

"I know," he spoke lowly, his gaze focused on where his hand rested on top of hers, on top of her crossed legs. He heard her shaky exhale, and he figured she was on the brink of tears. His heart hurt for his friend. "Kiss me, Luca," her words were so soft that he thought he must've imagined them. His head shot up to meet her eyes, which were focused on his lips, that were parted in shock. He wasn't sure what flushed over him, what made his stomach flip at the sound of her voice. He had never viewed her in that way before, their relationship being strictly platonic, and plus, he knew better than to fuck with another guy's girl. But something about her tear brimmed eyes that were laced with something else made him lean in, until he felt her mouth against his.

Her hands crept up to cradle his jaw, bringing him back with her as she laid on her back. The feeling of his top lip between hers made her crave something she wasn't sure he could give her, but the fact that her mind was tricking her into thinking the man that hovered above her was Ethan, that was all she needed. His hand was light on her cheek, his other placed next to her head, as their mouths molded together. He didn't feel like him, he didn't make her brain fuzzy, or make the sense of peacefulness wash over her, but if she squeezed her eyes tight enough, she could smell his cologne.

The kiss was slow, and it was everything that the two felt was right at the moment. The feeling of his tongue brushing over her bottom lip made her whine into his mouth, her body buzzing in anticipation, not knowing what exactly to do. He hummed as he trailed his lips down her cheek to her neck. No words were exchanged, as the two of them were both aware of the fact that nothing awkward will come out of this. Just soft breaths and whines fell into the emptiness of her dorm, as he sucked on the sensitive skin under her ear, making her eyes flutter open for just the briefest of moments. And when she saw the mop of brown hair, she couldn't help herself, "Ethan," she breathed out, he head tilting back to allow him better access.

It was a sudden change, could've been a colder drift coming from the vent on the roof. But it wasn't. It was the name that tumbled from her swollen lips so effortlessly that made the air dense. Luca removed his mouth from her neck, which made her groan softly in protest at the lost feeling of his lips, her eyes squeezed shut tight. He felt a wave of emotions that he couldn't even describe. A sudden surge of guilt, hurt, anger. He wasn't mad at her for saying his name, they had done nothing but kiss so at first, he didn't think much of it. But as he slowly pieced everything together, he felt his heart fall. The pain of his friend, the fact that she was just wanted to be loved by him.

"Why'd you stop?" She questioned softly, her eyes meeting his, with her pupils blown wide. He didn't want her to know that he knew, he didn't want her to feel guilty, even though she had every right not to be. He cared too much to make her aware about the fact that during their make out, she moaned out her first love's name.

Luca gave her a tight lipped smile, before he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her cheek, the taste of salt on his lips, as a single tear fell from her eye. He didn't think he could feel another person's pain this intensely. He got up from her bed and walked over to her closet, digging out one of Mark's shirts and a pair of shorts. He laid them down softly over her legs, "You need to get to sleep," he smiled softly at her, and tried to dismay the fact that more tears fell from her eyes. She sniffled softly, a small laugh escaping her swollen lips, to which he couldn't help but replicate. He leaned down once more and kissed her hairline, "I'll see you tomorrow, Stas,"

She watched him open the door, her mind feeling heavy and too busy to her liking. "Thank you," she mumbed, a half-smile tugging on the corners of her mouth. Luca turned around, his eyes swimming with something that she couldn't quite pinpoint, but decided not to focus too much on it given her thoughts were already pounding against her skull. He playfully winked at her, before he shut the door, leaving her alone in her and Lola's dorm.

A delicate un-bloomed flower, she felt like. Snakes constricting tightly around her throat, treating it as if it was prey, she broke. The powerful storm, like a god had forced doom upon an area of unsuspecting, she fell. Ocean waves strong and intimidating crashed inside of her, sand dunes tumbled down, down, until they could no more. Her body shook with sobs, as she felt her lungs screaming to allow themselves to inflate again. Her skin felt like it wasn't her own, like a million sinners burning in hell, she claimed she didn't deserve this, didn't deserve to hurt like this. She didn't know what was wrong with her, like a spider displaying its web in the corner, only to be killed just because it was born like that.

She felt hopeless at this point, her once perfect peace now splattered on a canvas for all to see, it felt. Her emotions represented in an array of colors that even herself, couldn't pinpoint what they meant. Anastasia wished for this to stop. The storms, the tsunamis, the war. It seemed as if all the love she had given, was just floating in the air like the smell of fresh cut grass on a warm summer morning. She felt as if the love they shared could make rain pour from the heavy clouds, ceasing the drought that made the war erupt in the first place.

Her body ached in pain at she cried, yet nothing came out. No sounds, no croaks of agony. Because she wasn't aware, but her body, mind, and conscience were in a love drought.

HE SHIFTED UNCOMFORTABLY as he watched his friend tuck in the unconscious girl, the only signs of life being her body moving with her breaths, and the soft sigh of contempt that left her lips as Mark placed a loving kiss on her temple. He leaned against the dresser that was in Mark's room across from his bed, his arms crossed over his chest and his gaze focused on his shoes. He was nervous, to put it lightly. He already knew he fucked up and the last thing he needed was Mark chewing him out for the mistakes he made.

He had barely talked to him over the past week; but, not wanting to make it awkward for their fellow teammates during practices and the game, Mark put on a good face, even though he wanted nothing more than to beat his face to a pulp. But he was never one for violence off the ice, so for the most part he stayed civil.

Ethan felt him lean against the dresser next to him, which made him look up at his friend. Mark's eyes remained on Lola's sleeping figure, her curly tendrils spiraled around her face on his pillow, her face free of any sarcastic look that she normally gave. He couldn't help but feel longing in his chest, envious of their relationship. "You make it look so easy," he spoke lowly to ease the building tension in the room. The air around them was so thick it felt as if he was suffocating. He expected Mark to just roll his eyes at his statement, to lead him outside his room and beat the living shit out of him, but he did the opposite: he cracked a smile. It was barely noticeable, if Ethan hadn't been already looking at him. "You get the hang of it after about a dozen parties," he shrugged, and to both of their surprise, his tone didn't feel hostile.

He matched Mark's smile, as he turned his gaze back down to his shoes. He had never felt so small around one of his teammates before, but knowing just how protective Mark was of his girls, it sparked a small flicker of fear inside. He had already gone against the first rule that Mark had put into place their first day, 'Don't get with them, in any way,' he remembers the playful smile smile he gave the team as they sat in the locker room after their first preseason practice in late August. And now, he had broken one of their hearts. He was just waiting for the harsh words, the scolding, the questions, the insults.

But they didn't come.

Except for one of them.

"Why'd you do it?" Mark questioned softly, his eyes still on the girl that laid peacefully in his bed. The air that flooded the room was thick. With unanswered questions, with guilt, pain, and love. And whether or not that love was reciprocated, Ethan didn't know. But still, he wasn't sure exactly how he were to answer. "Do what?" A beat of silence, "Break her?" By the slight wavering in his friend's voice, he inhaled deeply. He was slightly relieved that he didn't ask why they got together in the first place, because the last thing he wanted to do was to explain to him that the first time he saw Anastasia last December, he couldn't help but think how adorable she was.

"I don't know–" "Don't bullshit me, Eddie," Ethan's shoulders unknowingly tensed as Mark's tone was harsher, but he felt a sense of strange relief wash over him as he used his given nickname again. It was an odd mix of emotions, but yet again, this whole situation had his mind spinning. He kissed his teeth, "I really don't know, man," Ethan shrugged, feeling almost pathetic under his teammate's eyes. "Everything was, fine, and then Alyssa came into town and–" he cut himself off with a sharp exhale, his chest winding up at just recalling the memories. Mark had heard the story about his friend's first love, and just how terrible of a girlfriend she truly was. "We talked, and I don't know what happened but I just felt like if I were to talk to Stassie while she was around," He sighed, not knowing exactly how to put the power she held over him unknowingly.

Mark was mad at him, that much was a given. He wanted him to feel the pain that he made Anastasia feel, he wanted him to hurt, to cry himself to sleep like she did. She may not have mentioned the fact that she waited until her pillow soaked up her tears until she fell into the rem of sleep, but Mark knew her. And he could sense the confusion, the vulnerability, the soft drizzle falling from the clouds, the love. It felt strange– being indignant towards him one second, and suddenly knowing every thought that flooded Ethan's brain the next; unknown manipulation, love so intense that it burned your skin. He planned on lecturing him, telling him how badly he fucked up and to never speak to the girl he viewed as a sister ever again.

But the opposite was unexpected. "You love her," it fell from his chapped lips before he could comprehend the action. He waited for answer, the words dangling in the air like a chorus that only few could hear. It was devilishly angelic, piercing their skin, and their mind in the most surprising of ways. But when Ethan turned his head, his eyes slightly glossy with unfallen tears that he wouldn't dare let escape, Mark had his answer; but he wanted to hear him say it.

He swallowed harshly, rolling his shoulders back as he placed his hands on the wood panneling of his dresser. "Yeah man, I do." He croaked out, his conscience feeling at peace like it once was at the confirmation that hung in the atmosphere. Was; it was coming back into the light for the two lovers. Shock was the only word Ethan could use to describe how he felt as he met Mark's gaze. It was almost as if by that simple eye contact, all of his past clench at his heart. He understood what he had not yet said. Mark became aware of the fact that it wasn't all his fault, he continued to be manipulated by the girl he first loved. The girl he grew up with. The girl he shared firsts with. And it wasn't his fault that unknowingly all three parts of him– mind, conscience, and body, still felt for Alyssa. It wasn't his fault.

Mark opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out; But the sight of a tear falling down Ethan's cheek was all he needed, before he wrapped his arms around his friend, as silent tears fell from his eyes. His heart clenched in the shared pain he felt with him, not being able to come up with the words to describe the hurt and love that soaked through Ethan's skin, and onto his shirt.

Both of them were still loved by one another, peaking through broken clouds that littered the sky for the other. They just didn't know it.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

cliffhanger (kinda?)

not bc i hate you guys but bc we're nearing ethan's redemption arc🤭

okay so thoughts on the draft last night girls and gays? sucks that adam didn't go to the ducks but he wanted to go to columbus so as long as he's happy i'm happy🥹AND DID YOU SEE HIS SUIT? LITERALLY HIS VEST HAD ME SOBBING AT ALL THE NAMES ON IT

and him and luca are literally the cutest brothers i swear i was crying tears of happiness

#justiceforconor

WHAT DID WE THINK OF THIS CHAPTER YALL???🗣️🗣️

(mother needs validation bc i'm SO proud of this chapter)

and shout out to my wife, my lover,
@-eedwardss for helping me out SO much w this chapter. my baby deserves all the love in the world.

as always, don't forget to drink water, take your meds, and masturbate😘😘