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"so... are you satisfied?"

sulayma lets out a loud sigh. she takes a sip of her strawberry mirinda and doesn't answer the question. she just lets amelia make whatever joke she was about to make.

"y'know, 'cause it's the weekend and stuff."

"...amelia, it's tuesday."

"so, you're a mum."

"i am."

"what's your favourite thing about motherhood?" amelia asks before popping a chip in her mouth. thinking for a bit, sulayma finally answers. "i'm not just living for myself no more. i'm living to keep somebody else alive. even after pregnancy, i'm doing that. you get me? so my purpose is to protect somebody else."

"yes. protect them by making sure they don't poo on themselves," she smiles. sulayma snorts, just nodding along at the weird connotation.

"so in your song, you said you wished you were a normal girl. but how normal? like what is normal to you?"

"i just wished i was white like you," she blurts out.

"oh."

"but i don't no more. being black's so bless. 'cah i can say nigga and you can't."

"well that's- yep. i mean, you are right. you are... right."

"what's an ideal date to you?"

she clicks her tongue twice, trying to come up with an answer. "possibly... something outside the generic shit. the day i told my man i wanted to move in with him actually was when he took me to a shooting range."

"wow. that is very spontaneous," amelia agrees, "did he say yes, atleast?"

"well i would've shot him if not, i'll be so real. 'cause how dare you try and embarrass me like that."

"do you believe in love at first sight?" sulayma asks her, flipping the script. but amelia's quick to keep it like it is. "do you?"

"when we clocked eachother for the first time i got very excited but, might just be 'cah i'm a bit starstruck," she explains and she smiles watching her eyes widen.

"really?"

"yes! i love your videos, i wish i could be as jokes as you, y'know. you're a legend in the ends, miss dimoldenberg."

"well, dimoldenberg does sound very hood celeb to me. so..."

( it's not chicken shop date if there
isn't a shot of bossman inbetween
the conversation 😭 )

"let me tell you a secret," amelia smiles smugly after quoting another one of sulayma's songs, really thinking she ate that up.

she realises she maybe didn't when the girl sat across from her snickers in laughter, mumbling about how corny she was.

"which one of my homeboys you been banging, amelia?" she asks blatantly, making her pull a confused face. "wait- what? no- my man is actually your man. he wanted to take me out before you did, to be technical."

"mmm. calm. you want joint custody? 'cause i don't mind sharing, he can be one pain in my backside," sulayma says with a bit of a nigerian accent.

"sure. cheers to that," they both clink their mirinda cans together. "wait! i swear aitch wanted both of us aswell."

"that's... that's for another day."

"so, who do you think your daughter likes more? you or her dad?"

"ugh! it pains me to say this but..." she pauses, looking side to side before leaning in, "...her dad."

"no!" amelia exclaims, sharing the annoyance with her. "innit! as in i carried her, i pushed her out. i did all the work when all my nigga did was nut. too dead, man, too dead."

"so he should be doing all the work then, since technically he made... her," amelia pauses, thinking to see if that made any sense.

"exactly! man-" sulayma kisses her teeth then gets her phone, "can you say that again just into my phone? he needs to hear this."

"so what's your type? usually?"

"girls or guys?"

"girls first, so i know where to go from here," she says making her giggle.

"you're perfect, amelia. but- i like a pretty girl with a nice voice 'cah that just makes me feel giddy. ooh! i like curvy girls too; i'm no better than a man. but like a, like a moderate curvy. like, not too much and then not too little, get me?"

"yes. i do- i do get you. i actually didn't know you liked, you liked girls aswell," she points out. "yeah. i linked up wit' you, know what i mean? i love ladies. if it wasn't for cench, i'd shoot my shot at you, i'll be so real."

"i guess he really isn't homophobic then... because... y'know..." she trails off awkwardly, waiting for sulayma to clock on.

"oh my god! you're so annoying!" she bursts out laughing, covering her face with her hands. amelia just watches on, trying her hardest not to break character.

"and, guys? your type with guys."

"oh! you're so right!" she calms down then sits up properly. "then for guys, i like dreads... on a boy. don't ask why it's just... i like height, i like to look up. i like a protector. but ontop of it all, and this goes for girls too, you have to be funny like- you have to make me laugh."

"so you've just described me as your type in girls and then the opposite of your boyfriend as your type in guys—"

"amelia, don't start gettin' me in trouble now. before i wake up tomorrow and have no custody on my kid and no visitation, please don't say any more."

"are you a heartbreaker?"

"oh lord, the age old question... well, when i was younger i was naughty. shall i tell you what i did?"

"please."

"aight boom, so i was eleven. and i liked this one boy and he was gonna take me to the school disco, yeah? but then the day before another boy who lived close to me that i would play out with, he told me he fancied me. and 'cah i was a likkle whore and i loved the attention, i let him take me. so i showed up with not one but two bruddas on my arm that night. i would dance with one, tell him to fuck off then get the other boy."

amelia's mouth practically hung open at the story she just told. and when sulayma started laughing about it, so did she (just a small bit). "well did you pick one in the end?"

she sipped her drink before answering. "none. i had another boy, the next day."

now that made her break character and they both laughed together.

"what's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone?"

"wrote them a song. but then i performed it just for them. so no one knows the song exists. it's just for them," she emphasises.

"just for them."

"just for them."

"could you... could you maybe- sing me a song? since you really like me. and- i really like you too. just saying but—"

"amelia," she sings, giving off slow gospel song vibes with the tone and pitch, y'know the ones where your eyes are shut and you're swaying side to side, "i like what i see in ya."

she gives an impressed smile, silent while she carries on.

"drinking some mirinda. not tryna be keen with ya, but i'm tryna see the bunda... tonight. not tryna objectify you and 'dat but i'm shit at doing stuff on the spot," she quickly clarifies at the end of her song.

"quite- quite vulgar but pretty good. i'd say you shouldn't revisit that, though. i'd give like a- like a- five."

"but i'm halfway! i shouldn't go studio and work on—"

"no just leave it."

"okay."

"do you think adeola would go on a date with me too?"

"hmm. i dunno, y'know."

"why?" amelia looks genuinely shocked. "'cause... you went on a date with arrdee. and her and arrdee, they did a ting," sulayma whispers jokingly to her, covering her mouth.

"oh. right."

"yeah. i'm surprised she ain't thrown no digs at you. she found that very shady," sulayma instigates after taking a bite of her chicken leg.

"well tell her when she's sick of rolling with the geezer, i'm- i'm very much... very much here."

"i'll let her know, baby."

"are first impressions important?"

"durr. luckily, i've only ever been disappointed from a first impression once. only once. but it's calm 'cah he was a bum anyway."

"really? who was it? what did he do?"

"if i say who, i'll end up on uk gossip and i'm sick of being on that page. but i'll just say... y'know when someone's bare sexual? talkin' bout shit they wanna do wit' me at the end of the night like... what possessed you to assume anything would be happening? you're dropping me off home in your dinger and that's finite. no 'yOu gOnNa iNvItE mE iNsIde-' no! you lost me when you sat down and your dreads was lookin' like thin pieces of rope. abeg you get a retwist before you start chattin' bout your stroke game or whatever."

"hmm. you seem very passionate about this."

"indeed i am. alhamdulillah He didn't give me no bummy man but... bare sexual and got nuttin to show for it. and i can tell by just preeing you," sulayma finishes off her rant with a sigh, getting burger sauce for her chips.

"but, you were just talking about my derrière. and you look like you're... you're not—"

the chip that was in her hand dropped back in the box. all sulayma could do was look around. she was too stunned to speak.

"oh my gosh, she's beautiful!" amelia exclaims in awe of baby xia. since sulayma was a mum and like most mums, she just had to show everyone pictures of her baby.

"innit. and look at this one. she's bludclaat wednesday addams for halloween," sulayma swipes her phone screen to show the family photo of cench as gomez, sulayma as morticia and xia as wednesday.

"wow. cench looks..."

"demented. i know. perfect for the theme of the look, aswell."

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