Warning: There will be mention of self-harm in this chapter. Feel free to skip reading the flashback part if you feel uncomfortable.
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I want to give up,
My mind is clutched in the hands of my childhood misery,
My heart is filled with nothing but fear,
My body is aching with both pain and serene,
But still, I will run, run harder, away from my past to reach my Angel - Yoongi.

"Then how did you escape the situation?" Hoseok asked completely shocked.

Yoongi continued, "Actually..

Flashback to yesterday's midnight

Yoongi's pov

Once I entered the bathroom closing the door behind me. I stood in front of the basin and started splashing water on my face but my hands were trembling and most of the water from my hands dispersed on my clothes causing them to soak. My whole body was covered with sweat.

My condition was deteriorating. My body endured till now but not anymore and I fell to my knees. In the back of my head, I could hear some voices. No! No! Please go away. I can't anymore. The voices were getting louder and my head started ailing as if it will blast at any moment.

"A-appa, please take me out of this place, it's so dark I'm s-scared."

I closed my eyes keeping both hands on my ears and shook my head in the hope to throw the harsh memories away.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STAY AWAY? WHAT IS THIS INJECTION FOR? NO NO.. APPA WHERE ARE YOU? COME HERE PLEASE SAVE ME."

"No..no..stop it stop it please," I shouted minding less about my surrounding. My eyes were still closed.

"Omo my dear! I pity you, being mentally unstable at this age tsk..tsk."

"SHUT UP! I'm not mentally unstable. Go away." I felt my anger rising listening to her. The woman I hate the most.

My breathing got uneven and unknowingly I fisted my palms. I opened my red eyes and wandered them around to find something to break and take my anger out. My body became desperate for a stress buster. I know I'm losing it, my anger is taking over me, but I can't help it. I want to harm someone or myself, that's the only thing which can give me serenity.

Sitting down I can't see any objects. So I placed my both hands on the ground and pushed myself up. I held the basin to support my shivering body and looked around desperately.

Finally, my eyes landed upon a blade placed beside the sink with other toiletries. Ahh! Good that I didn't keep it inside after using it to open the cartons. I extended my hand to grab it.

But..my eyes landed on the cute cat-designed Toothbrush placed in a container holder. My body froze watching my Angel's toothbrush.W-what the hell was I doing? My angel will hate me if I do this.

No! No! Stop Yoongi! Your past is taking over you, you can't be that old Yoongi again. Control yourself.

I took my steps back shaking my head vigorously But the voices kept intensifying, not allowing me to calm down.

I clutched my ears in a tight grip once again and screamed in frustration at being so helpless. But soon my eyes widened listening to my Angel's voice over the door.

"Bear, Please open the door why are you screaming ?" Asked Yn and with her tone, I can say that she is distressed.
I wanted to answer her that, I'm fine but my voice was stuck in my throat.

"OPEN THE DOOR," Yn yelled in panic. My angel is scared.

"Angel.." my voice came out as a whisper. The biggest nightmare of my life was going to come through. My Yn, watching me in this condition and getting to know about my past and abandoning me forever-

No..no..I can't let that happen. I have to do something. I closed my eyes completely ignoring her loud bangings on the door.

A thought clicked in my mind. Fvck! Why didn't I remember it earlier? I took my trembling feet towards the wall cabinet situated on the right side of the basin and opened it wide. My eyes narrowed finding the particular thing. Soon enough my eyes landed on the pills kept inside the small brown bottle.

I took it out hurriedly and opened the cap. But the bottle slipped down due to the wetness of my hands. I froze watching many pills drop all over the floor.

No. This isn't happening with me. My eyes started tearing up. My only hope to hide my past from Yn is scattered on the floor. But still, I can't lose hope so I bend down and picked up the bottle and thankfully there were still two pills present in the bottle.

I took them out and gulped them down my throat not caring about the fact of taking two pills together can be dangerous, I need a quick outcome. It was painful...Firstly, gulping a pill without water and also my throat was already dry due to continual crying. It felt like someone is choking me. Panicking, I gulped them harder and felt as if some sharp object is slithering the inside of my throat. Finally, it's done.

I took deep breaths. The sedative will take a few minutes to show the effects and calm me down. I have to go to bed as early as possible since the pills will make me sleep after a few minutes. I started strolling in the direction of the door but stopped realising something.

Yn heard me already, she will ask the reason behind my screaming. I have to do something.

Should I? Or...I turned back and saw the blade once again. It was placed on the sink but I feel it's calling me, pleading me to fulfil its thirst with my blood.

I don't want to harm myself again but the sedatives will take time to calm me down till then I can help myself right? Just a few cuts won't be a problem.

I stepped forward to the basin ignoring Yn's shout. Now I'm in front of the sink. Just one move..one move to grab my stress reliever.
I extended my hand and grabbed the blade. The cold metal gave chills to my skin. I sat down on the cold floor once again and held the blade near my other hand.

But...a part of me doesn't want it.

No, I should stop this, I'm pushing myself into that tragic past again. The moment I was about to get up nudging all the negative thoughts away I heard Yn's frightened voice I know she is on the verge of crying. I pushed myself down again and lean my head on the wall closing my eyes. Again those voices provoked me to do something harmful.

This time I could hear my inner voice. 'Do it Min Yoongi, don't think you are harming yourself. It's for Yn, your Angel. If you cut yourself and pretend as if it was an accident, telling Yn it as the reason for your screams she will believe you and most importantly she will never know about your past.'

I opened my eyes. Yes, I have to do this for my Yn. I looked at the blade drawing it close to my one leg. Yes, my leg, so that I can give her a reason for not opening the door any sooner.

I pressed the blade on my leg and closed my eyes. The moment the blade dig into my pale skin drawing my fresh blood I felt a stinging pain. I pressed my other hand on my mouth to prevent my painful cries and kept making more cuts. My eyes were teary with a smile on my face. It was painful but I felt so soothing after all I'm doing it after a long time. My body was in extreme pain but my mind felt at peace. My eyes were still closed but I could feel my warm blood spreading over my sweaty skin.

Once I realised it was enough I opened my eyes and look at my pyjamas now covered with my blood. I tried standing up it was very painful but I have to endure it for my Angel. I got up taking the help of the sink. I threw the blade roughly inside the basin and opened the tap. The water washed off my blood in other words, my tonight's secret. Once it got its lustrous look back I kept it in the same place it was kept before.

Now I have to cover up things. Twirling my neck to the right side I could see the same bottle of pills on the floor which I kept after taking the pills. I limped towards it and grab it, smashing it on the bathroom floor, the exact place where my blood was splattered. I smirked watching it. Perfect!

I need to go out as soon as possible now that I resolved everything. I went to the door and I can feel my body calming down, breaths coming to normal, and sedatives are doing their work. That's a relief. I opened the bathroom door to see Yn completely horrified. She was watching me from head to toe with utter hush and her eyes got fixed on my injured leg. But soon she screamed my name and held my body for support. I felt my body getting weak to lie to my Angel. But I have to. Let's do this for 'our' betterment.

Flashback ends

Author's pov

Yoongi was lying on the floor with the right side of his body completely touching the cold floor meanwhile Hoseok was glaring at him.

What happened?

Hoseok was angry all the time when Yoongi was speaking about how he harmed himself but controlled himself to first listen to everything. As soon as Yoongi completed, he punched him right in the face. Yoongi groaned losing his equilibrium and fell off the couch.

"WHAT THE FUCK MIN YOONGI? HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK OF HARMING YOURSELF? DIDN'T I WARN YOU EARLIER?" Hoseok yelled at Yoongi who held his injured leg and closed his eyes, still on the floor.

Watching Yoongi, Hoseok regretted hitting him hard and evoking the pain in his injury. Hoseok took deep breaths to calm down. Trying to convince himself saying that, it was the effect of the panic attack. Which was indeed true. But how could he? How could he keep calm knowing his soulmate is getting back to his old self.

Hoseok bend down and helped Yoongi to sit on the couch once again. He sat beside Yoongi. Again, there was an awkward silence in the living area. Both of them have their head hung low, sitting in the same way but having different thoughts in their brain.

After a few seconds, Hoseok decided to break the unpleasant silence.

"I think it's time that you tell this to Yn." Yoongi shot his head towards Hoseok faster than light while Hoseok was still gazing at the floor.
"No. I won't, I will never!" Yoongi said in rush.
"You have to Yoongi, as much as Yn is a part of your life so is your past. Yn have all the rights to know each and everything about you, your life." Hoseok spoke and lift his head but sighed dishearten looking at Yoongi who seemed unconvinced.
Hoseok continued.."Moreover, how much will you hide it? Now that she will be living with you, will you be able to? What if she suspects your behaviour and misunderstood everything. It will affect your relationship."

Hoseok completed but still, Yoongi didn't speak up though he was drowned in his thoughts.

"What if she leaves you?" Hoseok's question made Yoongi get up from the seat and glare at him.
"Can't you understand Hoseok! That's the reason I don't want to tell her my past." Yoongi spoke bitterly.
"But will she stay, if she knows you broke her trust?" Hoseok tried convincing him for the last time.

But Yoongi had enough of it. He can't even imagine his Angel going away from him.
He took the glass from the table and smashed it on the floor making Hoseok flinch.

"DO YOU THINK SHE WILL STAY WITH ME AFTER KNOWING THAT I HAD INTERMITTENT EXPLOSIVE DISORDER?"

Okay, so here comes the first plot twist and big revelation of the story. More plot twists to come ahead. I cried so much while writing this chapter. Sorry, if it had mistakes. It's my first time writing such a thing.

IMPORTANT!!!

INTERMITTED EXPLOSIVE DISORDER: Intermittent explosive disorder (IED) is a mental disorder identified by episodes of anger and sudden outbursts in which the person loses control entirely without any specific reason or when provoked. It involves a series of verbal outbursts, physical fights, and self-harm.

So you all might think, how did all of sudden Yoongi have such a severe mental breakdown? Is he a psycho?
No, the thing is the patients suffering from this disorder get violent all of sudden when provoked, which happened here with Yoongi as there was mention of his mom's death which is related to his past. And no he isn't psycho, he just can't control his anger which is a major trait of his disorder.

Hope things are clear.

Borahae 💜