Lori died two months ago.

The already vast prison feels even emptier and colder now without her and T-Dog. We found out that when T-Dog and Carol tried to find Lori, they got swamped by walkers and he ended up sacrificing himself to save her. Carol is completely torn up about it, being the one he saved. He told her it was to make sure Sophia has her mom with her.

And while Judith is a sweet girl and I've loved caring for her these past months, watching Rick slowly get worse as the days pass is pure torture. Seeing him send his beautiful baby resentful looks as if he can't help blaming her for his wife's death just breaks my heart.

I thought he was in a bad place when we first found the prison, but now? He's a ghost of the man I knew. What's the most worrying is that he's not sad anymore, he's angry. So furious and explosive that it's impossible to try to reason with him. Just a few weeks ago he had what seemed to be some sort of nervous breakdown when a group of new people showed up. They actually seemed like great people but he scared them away, screaming at them like a lunatic.

Despite the concern I feel for Rick, my own guilt has been suffocating. I am the only person here perfectly qualified to operate on a breached birth. The only person who could have saved both Judith and Lori. I spent years in OB, operating on countless births, C-sections, etc. I could've helped her. But I went with Rick to stop the goddamn alarms. Anyone could have gone instead. But I went. The only person who could have prevented this.

The only person who could have given a mother and wife back to her family. Every day I wholeheartedly loathe myself for not being there. If I had been, I could have avoided T-Dog and Carol looking for her themselves and T-Dog would still be with us. My heart clenches with regret and I sigh.

Judith cries in her makeshift crib in my cell, her limbs wriggling around. It's her gurgling hungry cry. "Hey honey, come 'ere," I murmur softly, collecting the small baby girl in my arms and taking her to her formula station on the other side of the cell.

Trying to get her to drink formula from day one was nearly impossible. I was so worried for a day or so that she would just die because she didn't have a breast or a mother to develop normally.

But, she's much stronger than I thought. She eventually gave in and has never had an issue eating since. She's the one good thing keeping me together. She's only a couple of months old but her personality is so bright already.

"There's a good girl," I whisper as she drinks hungrily from the bottle, her adorable little hands gripping at the sides of the plastic.

"She's eating again?" Carl asks from the doorway, making me jump, looking over at him, nodding with a slight smile.

"She's a growing baby, she's going to need to eat a lot," I explain.

He nods, watching his little sister for a moment. "Do you want to hold her?" I offer, but Carl shakes his head. He cares a lot for her but he's a little distant these days and I don't blame him. I just worry. I feel like that's all I do these days. Worry about the people I love.

"No worries. Hey, do you think you could grab me another pack of formula? I need to prep her next bottle," I ask, and Carl nods, seeming happy to have a job.

He's like his dad in that way. Rick has been non-stop working on clearing the prison, clearly burying himself in the work. He disappears for hours at a time, coming back with a scribbled map of where he went, walker blood spattered all over him.

Then he eats, sleeps (never enough), goes out, and repeats.

Every day.

I'm worried about him. My days consist of overwhelming worry for Rick and Carl, creeping guilt, caring for Judith, worrying some more, and deeply regretting my choices from months ago.

The worst source of my guilt stems from the countless nights when I wished things could change. When I would lie awake, staring at the fabric of my tent, praying that in some way Rick wouldn't be with Lori anymore and I would stand a chance. It feels like it's my fault. That the universe heard my pleas and decided to show me how horrible I really am for wishing a family to be split up.

I would never have wished this upon them. Never ask for Lori to die so young without knowing her daughter. To ruin Rick and Carl like this. To take away their wife and mother. Never. No matter how much I pine for Rick, I would never wish for this. Yet to me, it's still my fault.

Grief is a dark, twisted thing. It affects everyone differently. I just have no idea how to help Rick. Knowing it's all my fault, I can barely look him in the eye. Knowing that he would never be in this situation if I was just there for her.

"Here you go, the last one!" Carl says breezily, placing the container of formula on my counter, drawing me away from my thoughts.

I freeze as I digest his words. "What?" I demand, turning to him, my heart beginning to pound.

"The last one?" Carl asks, his eyebrows furrowed. Then he realizes with wide eyes.

Fuck.

I hang my head. "Okay, thanks Carl," I mutter, placing the now empty bottle down and beginning to burp Judith over my shoulder. Patting her back as I walk out of my cell, I head down the walkway down to see Maggie and Glenn.

"Hey guys, I'm so sorry. I hadn't noticed, but I'm on the last container of formula. Did you guys say there was a place you hadn't checked yet?" I ask hopefully, making Glenn look over, seeming tired.

"Yeah, some general store about twenty minutes away. We figured it's worth a shot," He says with a shrug, and I nod, relief surging through me.

"Can you guys please go as soon as possible? I'm not sure how long I can stretch this last batch, she just keeps eating more and more," I explain, and the two of them nod, getting up from their bed.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. We'll get her formula." Maggie says with a polite smile, and I nod in thanks.

"Great, thank you." I thank them genuinely, relieved they're going now. I leave, giving them privacy to get ready.

As I walk back to my cell, I glance over the railing, making eye contact with Rick as he walks through the bottom level of the cell hall. Surprise, covered in walker blood. He falters, his eyes dropping to the now sleeping Judith in my arms. Pain flashes in his eyes, and he turns away.

Letting out a breath of air, I go back into my cell, feeling like my heart is being dragged through a bed of nails.

Happy that Judith's biggest fans, Beth and Sophia, offered to take over for the afternoon, I slump down at a table in the great room, grateful to have a minute to myself. Taking care of Judith is so exhausting. It doesn't help that I force myself to be nonstop taking care of her as some sort of punishment. No one asked me to take care of her, I just assumed the responsibility. It's my own fault she's motherless, I may as well take care of her the best I can.

A noise jostles me out of my thoughts. I look up to see Rick, standing at the picnic table, having just tossed down his latest map. I blink at his blank expression before glancing at the map.

Wow. He finished it.

The somewhat endless labyrinth of hallways and rooms is laid out in front of me. The three big cell buildings are labeled C, D, and E. Our hall, C, has the hallways connecting around to the pharmacy, storage rooms, and eventually connecting to the cafeteria. That has a hallway on the other side, leading to the building with the generators. Building A. I shudder slightly at the sight of it, my heart falling.

Beyond that building, smaller hallways connect both cell halls D and E. According to the numerous scribblings on the margins, D is slightly bigger than C, with cleaner showers.

E is the smallest, with more secure cells, presumably for high-security prisoners. No showers there. Somewhere between E and C is a library and auditorium. Both cleared.

Its mindblowing, seeing the whole prison laid out in front of me, knowing how much work this was. Knowing that Rick cleared this all in his grief. Alone.

I look back up at Rick with soft eyes, my chest heavy with concern.

"That's unbelievable, Rick. I can't believe you cleared this all." I say, honest in my amazement, my eyebrows raised. Rick nods tiredly, his expression worn.

"Hey, are you okay?" I ask softly, and his eyes slowly reach mine, his eyebrows drawing together.

"Is that a rhetorical question or are you just being stupid?" Rick asks lowly, his eyes dark with anger. I swallow back his cruel words, scoffing slightly.

"Okay. Fine. Forget I asked," I snarl with a huff, pushing off the table to leave. I shake my head as I storm away. Fuck this. I'm done caring this much about him. Loving a brick wall.

I've been caring for his kids for him. Giving him space to grieve. Punishing myself every day for the choices I made. Then I try to check in and see if he's doing okay, and he just throws it in my face? No. I'm done.

I hear the door to the courtyard slam shut, causing me to jump at the surprisingly loud noise. Judith immediately cries, making me sigh, looking up for a moment, silently begging for things to get better.

I join the girls and now Carl in my cell as they try to quiet the fussing baby. "Sorry about that guys," I mutter, entering the cell, making them look up.

"Here, she's just scared, she needs to be held," I explain, grabbing her from the crib.

"Can I?" Carl asks, and I stop, turning to him with a surprised smile, nodding. I hand him his younger sister, who he takes gingerly, bringing her closer to his body.

"Yeah support her head, just like that," I nod, encouraging Carl as he finally holds Judith, a sweet smile on his face. My heart warms at the sight. It's been so long since he has smiled. Judith's cries slowly come to a stop as she stares up at her brother.

"She looks like mom," Carl says softly, and I nod with a smile.

"She does, huh?" I say, my chest aching slightly at the mention of her. Judith has the same eyebrows and mouth shape as Lori but has these big sweet brown eyes. Strange when Rick has blue and Lori had green.

It's a couple of hours later when shouting and metal slamming on metal erupts through the hall, making Judith cry again. Jumping to my feet, my heart pounding in my chest, I motion for the kids to stay in the cell.

"What is all that noise?" I question with frustration, emerging from my cell. Through the bars, I see Rick and Daryl ushering a thrashing figure into one of the makeshift cells by the door. My stomach sinks.

"Who is that?" Carol asks beside me, but I just shake my head wordlessly, not knowing what to say to her.

I quickly descend the stairs, only for Daryl to slam the cell door in my face. "Daryl!" I object, but he shakes his head.

"You can't come out here, it's dangerous"

"How so? Who is that?" I question, anxiety churning my stomach as I try to see past Daryl.

"We don't know. Rick saw her standing by the gate, holding the formula. She said she saw Glenn and Maggie get taken," Daryl tells me in a low voice, glancing back to Rick, before looking at me again.

"What?" I demand incredulously, my eyes finding the red shopping basket full of formula on a table. My heart sinks, and I step back slightly, holding my hand to my stomach, suddenly feeling sick. I was the person who asked them to go.

After what seems like hours of Rick and Daryl interrogating our prisoner via shouting at her, I've had enough. They clearly aren't getting anywhere. At the cell door, I motion for Daryl to come over, and he does, reluctantly.

"What's going on?" I question Daryl, who shakes his head with exhaustion. "I don't know. She's not talking." He answers with a sigh.

I chew on my bottom lip, thinking for a moment. "Why don't I see if I can help? You and I both know Rick isn't in the right mindset. Especially after he chased those seemingly normal people off a couple of weeks ago." I say, and Daryl pauses, mulling over my words.

"Not to mention that I'm a woman. I don't know about her, but If I was being bombarded with interrogations from you and Rick, I would be too scared to talk. But if she sees another woman, she might relax a little. Know we don't want to hurt her, just find out about Maggie and Glenn." I explain, pleading with him silently with my eyes.

Please let me help. Let me fix this mistake while I can.

Thankfully, Daryl agrees, leading me to the cell. "What are you hiding? You said you know what happened to them. So fucking tell us!" Rick yells, slamming his hand against the cage, making me jump at the noise. Jesus. No wonder she isn't speaking. I try to see her expression, but I can't make her out past Rick's body.

"Hey, Rick. Why don't you take a break? I can try-" I start, flinching when Rick whirls around on me, glaring me down.

"What are you doing here? We don't know who this woman is, who she's working for, or if she's dangerous-"

While he lectures me, I glance past him, freezing when I see her. It's hard to tell at first, with half of her being shrouded in shadows. But then I see her eyes, her hair, and that unmistakable expression as she looks down.

"Michonne?" I ask with disbelief, my chest rising and falling rapidly in disbelief. Michonne looks up, her face lighting up as she takes me in. She jumps up, rushing to the edge of the cage.

"Cass? Oh my god, you're alive!" Michonne enthuses and I push past Rick, running up to my old friend.

"Me? You're alive!" I cry out, a smile of amazement pulling at my face. Feeling the first sense of real happiness I've felt in months.

She made it out!

"Wait- Is Soph with you? Did you both make it?" Michonne asks hopefully, her eyes searching mine desperately. My face falls, making hers strike with grief.

"I'm so sorry. No. We tried- but back at the hospital... It was bad." I tell her, my voice slightly shaking when I remember it. Flashes of the fluorescent hallways full of walkers chasing us. Soph's expression right before she died. The sound of her flesh being ripped apart as I escaped.

I take a breath, collecting myself. "But, she gave her life to save me," I reveal, my heart heavy once again. A bittersweet smile flashes across Michonne's face through the sadness.

"That's such a Sophie thing to do," Michonne says simply, making me nod in agreement, smiling at the memory of her.

I turn to Rick, who is staring at the two of us, dumbfounded. "She's not a threat. Get her out of the cage. Now."

___

"And then he took them. I'm sorry, there wasn't anything I could do to help them," Michonne explains, defeated, staring at her clasped hands. I sigh, running a hand over my face. Glenn and Maggie... gone?

"Fucking Merle!" Daryl grunts angrily, kicking a chair and making it clatter across the room with a crash. I turn back to Michonne's gunshot wound on her leg, dabbing it with the alcohol before I start with stitches. She sucks in a breath of pain at the sensation.

"Wait, so you think he took them back to that community?" Carol asks, wringing her hands as she watches Michonne's face carefully.

"Yeah. I wouldn't exactly call it a community, I think cult fits it better," Michone mutters bitterly, cringing slightly as I begin to stitch up her wound. "That's why they sent Merle to hunt me down. Because I escaped," She scoffs, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry, I thought you said it was just a big neighborhood?" I ask, looking up from my work, not understanding what she means.

"Yeah, that's what it seems like. But it's actually much worse. It's led by this psycho who calls himself 'The Governor'."

"The what?" I ask in disbelief, almost laughing at the ridiculous title.

"Governor. Yeah. Everyone there worships him. Despite me warning her, Andrea fell for it too. But I saw through all of the bullshit." She says, disgust flashing across her face. "That's where Merle took your friends," Michonne confirms "He and all the Governor's little workers will do anything for his approval".

"Son of a bitch." Daryl curses, shaking his head. I watch him for a moment with concern. I never met his brother but heard all the lovely things everyone had to say about him. After knowing Daryl better, I can't see him being around such a disgusting man.

"Right then. Michonne." Rick starts lowly, walking toward the table. He places both hands on the table, leaning forward, staring her down intimidatingly. "How do we get them back?" He asks, those blue eyes intense as he awaits her answer.

She looks back at him unflinchingly.

"Kill the Governor."