chapter thirty-eight , Don't Come Back

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Amaya's Funeral.

Emery felt like she could hardly stand.

But in this moment, she had to. Her parents were just shells of the people they once were as soon as Emery told them what happened to Amaya.

She couldn't get her mother's screams out of her head. And her father's face.

Emery had broken their hearts that night.

And now here she was, with the weight of the world on her shoulders. She had to plan the funeral. Her father helped as much as he could, but Emery didn't want him to stress. He shouldn't have to worry about that while he was thinking about his own funeral in the future. Fuck, Emery just wanted to close her eyes forever.

"Hey, Em..."

A gentle hand is felt on the small of her back. She refocuses on the paper in her hand. Emery then lifts her head up and her eyes connect with the soft storm blue ones. "I-I'm sorry. I spaced out." She clears her throat.

"Your up next." Buck gives her small smile. Emery shifts her eyes to the podium and her chest tightens. Why the hell did I agree to this?

Buck watches as Emery's become teary again. Her hands on the paper tighten. Buck inhales a soft breath, "Hey..."

Emery looks at him. Buck leans closer to her, so only she could hear him speak. "You know that picture everyone naked trick really works, right?"

Emery lets out a small breath, the ends of her lip twitches. It was her way of smiling and laughing in this moment. Buck raises his brows, "Do you want me to go up with you?"

Emery swallows the lump in her throat. "No. I can handle it..." she presses her lips together. "Thank you, though."

Buck gives her a small nod. Emery looks to her side and sees her parents seated beside her. Elijah gave Emery a comforting smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. Amara's eyes were trained on the tissue in her hands, shaking tremendously. Emery slowly pushes herself off the chair and walks over to the podium.

Emery stands at the podium, her eyes glued to the paper. She touches the mic and it echoes. "Uh, hi..." Emery lifts her eyes up and looks across the crowd, everyone's faces mixed with sympathy and grief of their own. "...I'm Amaya's sister, Emery. I guess, you all know that." She nods her head. "And I'm guessing you guys also know how much of an...amazing person Amaya was."

Emery looks back at the paper, "I mean, we've all had our fair share of my sister and...she either drove you crazy or she inspired you."

"For me, it was both." Emery lets out a small chuckle. She tugs on her collar, despite it being colder than usual. She still felt warm. "Even though, Amaya drives...drove me up a wall. She was..." the words on the page begin to blur. Was.

Emery rubs her eyes, thinking it was just the tears forming. But she genuinely couldn't read anything. She inhales a small breath and pulls at her collar again. Was.

Emery looks at her parents and watches as Amara continues to cry. I did this to them.

Buck's back straightens when he watches Emery exhales a breath, and her grip on the podium tightens. He looks around, wondering if anyone else noticed. He could tell from a few worried faces in the crowd that they knew.

Emery's lower lip quivers. "I can't..." she looks back down at the blurry page. Why can't I remember the speech? She lifts one hand and covers her eyes, tears staining her hand. Emery lets out a small cry. She inhales a deep breath and lets out a louder sob. Emery tried to be strong, but she just felt the willpower slip right through her fingers. It's been like that ever since Amaya's been declared dead.

It should've been me.

Emery then feels a soft hand engulf her cold trembling one. She pulls one hand off her eyes and looks at those comforting blue eyes. Emery inhales a shaky breath. She wanted to ask Buck what he was doing, but just from the look in his eyes, she knew.

She always knew.

Emery looks back at the crowd then looks back at Buck. She closes her mouth and wipes her tears. She takes a step aside, allowing Buck to stand at the podium. Buck looks down at the paper. This was going to be hard for Buck to read. But he expected something like this to happen. From the way Emery would shake whenever she had to visit the funeral homes. Whenever she talked about anything relating to Amaya. He just knew.

He always knew.

And he needed to be strong for Emerson. She needed him.

"Even though Amaya drove me up the walls. She was my sister." Buck continues. "She had this light to her that made me feel like I could actually do some good in the world. And I didn't have to just do my job to do that." (KEEP WRITING THE EULOGY)

"Amaya was and is one of the people that have inspired me to be a good person and make the world a better place." A lump forms in Buck's throat. He swallows it, ignoring the pain. "Amaya, I want you to know that I'll continue to make the world a better place. For you."

The entire time Buck spoke, he never let go of Emery's hand.

And he never let her hand go when they walked back to their seats.

Two Months Since Amaya Died...

Emery had been texting and calling her dad nonstop, since Amaya died. They both leaned on each other, trying to get through the worst times of their lives. It helped talking with each other, casually catching up on each other's lives. But Emery couldn't help but think about her mother. She hasn't been talking. To anyone.

As Emery was healing, her mother was going further and further down the path of grief. Her dad had urged her to visit. Emery honestly didn't want to go, only because she didn't know how her mom would treat her. If she wasn't talking to her own husband, would she really talk to the daughter she truly didn't want?

Unfortunately, Bobby had insisted her to see her parents, so she did.

So, she was now sitting on the couch; her eyes on the cutting board.

"Emerson, you really don't have to..." Elijah trails off his words when he sees the unproportioned cuts. "...cook."

How the hell can a perfectionist be so terrible at cooking? Not even just cooking, but cutting even pieces? Emery looks at her father with a smile. He quickly changes his disturbed expression to a smiling one.

"Do you think mom's gonna want some sushi?" Emery asks.

"I-I think she would like some if we ordered it." Elijah hesitantly speaks. Emery looks at him with pointed eyes. "What?"

"I mean, she would eat it anyway, but your cooking isn't exactly—"

"Wait, she's not eating?" Emery's ears perk. "She's usually the one to remind others to eat...have you been eating?" She points the knife at him.

Elijah raises his brows, "Yes, now lower the knife."

Emery lowers the knife and she huffs. Elijah watches as Emery continues to cut the seaweed in strips. "Emery, I just want you to—"

"I can't, dad." Emery softly speaks. She stops and sets the knife on the counter. She meet Elijah's eyes and a small breath comes from her lips. "If you can't get through to her. Then she won't...listen to me."

Elijah doesn't say anything, he just looks at her. Like he always does. Emery's back straightens. "It doesn't matter how long you look at me. I'm not talking to her."

"Emerson."

Emery's jaw clenches and she looks to the side. She shakes her head, feeling her own worry for her mother grow. Emery tilts her head to the sky and lets out a groan. "Fine. But if she gives me shit...it's on you."

Elijah holds his hands up, "If she gives you shit. I will humbly apologize to you." He then shrugs. "But I am dying."

Emery blinks, "So? Just because you're dying, doesn't mean you're not gonna apologize." She smiles which causes Elijah to laugh. Emery walks up the stairs, leading to her parents room. Before she could even get to her parents room, she stops when she hears sniffling. She pulls her brows together and looks at the closed door. Emery's eyes travel across the name on the door.

Amaya ♥

Amaya always loved decorations. For her door she thought it made sense it just be simple with it. But her room on the other hand was another story.

Emery lightly knocks on the door before opening it. And tears immediately found her eyes. Amaya had her medals and accomplishments spread on one wall, pictures of her friends and family on another, while her study area was next to the bay window. Her stuffed animals were neatly placed on her bed.

It was like she was still alive.

Emeey's eyes shift to the corner and she sees her mom sitting in the corner of the room, her arms wrapped around Amaya's beloved rainbow colored teddy bear. It was the one Emery got her when she first came out. Emery didn't want to make Amaya's coming out a big deal, but Amaya wanted it to be a huge deal.

"No. Way. I have had to keep this in for mosr of my life." Amaya laughs. "I was afraid that mom and dad would be disgusted with me. And now I know they love me for me. I'm throwing a goddamn party over this."

A small smile forms across her lips. But it saddens when she sees her mom squeeze the teddy bear tighter. "Dad, said you wouldn't get out of bed." She speaks first, extending some sort of olive branch.

Amara continues to softly weep into the teddy bear. Emery walks over to her mom and sits across from her on the floor, she didn't even want to wrinkle the covers on Amaya's bed. Emery pulls her knees toward her chest, waiting for her mom to speak. But she wasn't going to. Not right now.

"The room still looks the same." Emery looks around the modernly lit room. "It's like she never left..."

"You're asking why we haven't packed her things up yet."

And Emery knew it wasn't a question. More like an accusation. "No. That's not what I'm saying. Everyone grieves in their own way."

"How did you grieve?" Amara whispers. Emery raises her brows, "I still am grieving, mom."

"Yeah, like I can tell." Amara's voice was cold.

Emery inhales a breath. She wasn't going to start anything with a grieving mother. Her grieving mother. It wouldn't be fair. None of this is fair.

"I am grieving and healing." Emery voices. "Which is what you should be doing."

"Don't tell me how to—"

"I'm not telling you how to grieve. I am telling you how to heal." Emery sighs. "And sitting around in Amaya's room while crying into her teddy bear isn't going to help."

Amara finally looks at Emery, her eyes bloodshot red. Emery's chest tightens. How long had she been crying for?

"I wasn't talking to your father. So, what makes you think I would talk to you?" Amara's voice was sharp and cold. She was trying to push everyone away. Emery raises her brows, realizing where she got that from. She then chuckles. "Well, you're talking to me now. So...that's progress, right?"

Amara's jaw clenches and she looks to the side. Emery presses her hands on her knees and stands up. "I'm making sushi. If you want to join Dad and I."

"What? You can't cook." Amara says.

Emery hangs her head low. "Mom, I'm cooking whether you want me to or—"

"No, no. I mean, you cannot cook. You're terrible at it." Amara huffs.

Emery slightly parts her lips. Then she remembers what her father was saying downstairs. "Shit..." her shoulders sag. "Guess I'm ordering takeout, then."

☆

Dinner was good. The three family members had managed to sit down at the dinner table and eat without any arguments. There was a time when they talked about moments they remembered about Amaya and they all laughed.

All of them did.

It was like there was this some around them that reassured the family, they were going to be okay.

Then something clicked in Amara's head. Emery didn't know what it was. But it was heavy enough to make her go cold again. She had put her plate in the sink and made her way back upstairs to Amaya's room. Emery told her father she could handle cleaning up and she told him to get some rest. He reluctantly agreed, leaving Emery alone to clean the kitchen.

After Emery was done, she done her nightly routine and went to her room that had never changed since she was a kid. There wasn't much on there except for her Star Wars and Spider-Man posters plastered sloppily against the wall. It was kind of empty. Emery used to be such a slob before meeting Helena.

She lays on her Star Wars themed blankets sheets and pulls the covers over her. Emery stares at the ceiling that was sprinkled with glow in the dark stars. Her mind began to wander, but it wasn't where she'd expected. She grabs her phone and hopes he's awake. Emery dials his number and places the phone against her ear. It took about 30 seconds before someone answered.

Emery raises her brows, "Wow. I can't believe you're actually up, right now."

"Uh, I'm sorry. What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, that you're an early bird. Not a night owl."

"Oh, come on, I can be just as much a night owl as you are."

Emery softly chuckles, "I mean, you can try. But...I'm a professional night-owler. And there's no way you can out night owl me."

There's a slight pause. "Huh. You know what? The word night owl sounds kind of weird now."

Emery opens her mouth to object, but she thinks. "Huh. It does."

They both then laugh. Emery bites her lower lip and keeps her eyes on the ceiling. "How're you doing, Evan?"

Buck's heart rate quickens from the softness in her voice. He felt like he could feel her being genuinely interested in him. It made his heart quicken.

"Uh, you know. Just trying to keep myself busy without you here."

Emery couldn't help the smile that formed on her lips. "What are you talking about? Aren't you hanging with the team? Maddie?"

"Barely. They're all busy with work." Buck sighs. But he quickly chuckles, hoping he could play off his disappointment.

Emery saw right through it. "You know, you're going to go back to work soon, right?"

"Yeah, I know...it's just. Nothing's the same." Buck admits.

Emery pulls her brows together. She sits up, her back now against the headboard. "What do you mean?"

Emery's voice was airy. Buck waits for a moment, hoping she could understand what he was saying. Should he even say it? He wants her to know. But he didn't know if he could say it. But he also knew that Emery wasn't good at reading people. He sits up and leans against his headboard. His heart was beating through his ears right now.

"I just...miss you."

Emery's back straightens and she clenches her jaw. Buck closes his eyes and mentally curses from Emery's silence. I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have—

"Y-Yeah...I miss you too."

Buck stops, "What? Wait, you do?"

Emery softly laughs, "Yeah. I mean, I was getting some major walking time in and now...I'm stuck making sushi."

"That's not...you shouldn't be cooking."

"That's what my parents said." Emery's brows scrunch, she slightly tilts her head, and hums. "Maybe I should stop cooking."

"Or...take cooking lessons instead of thinking you can immediately start making food on the fly." Buck suggests, bunching his shoulders.

Emery's mouth drops open. "I can cook! Ask me to make you a bowl of cereal? And I will make you a mean Frosted Flakes."

Buck laughs which causes Emery's face to heat up. "Maybe when you come back...I can give you some cooking lessons."

Emery's heart jumps into her throat. Her face begins to feel hotter than before and she felt like she couldn't breathe (in the best way possible). "Yeah, I'd like that." She bites the inside of her cheek. Emery sinks into her bed, her head connecting with the pillow. She looks at the ceiling while a comfortable silence settles between the two.

"Can you...stay on the phone with me?" Emeey's voice was soft. Buck's chest tightens, "Yeah. I'll stay with you."

A smile finds her lips and she inhales a small breath. "Thanks, Evan." She softly chuckles.

"Anytime, Emerson. And I mean that."

☆

Emery had been the first to fall asleep on the phone. Buck didn't fall asleep until he had known for sure Emery was asleep. It was peaceful hearing her light snores over the phone. This was one of the first nights Emery was able to sleep peacefully since Amaya died. Knowing that Buck was there for her; even if it was over the phone, comforted her.

But Emery didn't sleep through the whole night. She woke up when she heard scuffling outside her bedroom door. Emery slowly got out of bed and walked out of her room. No one was in the hall, but she did hear footsteps downstairs. Emery pulls her brows together and walks down the stairs.

"Dad? Is that..." Emery trails off her words, when she sees her mom in the living room. She lets out a small breath, "Jesus, mom. I thought I was going to have to hit someone over the head with this...pillow." She sets the pillow on the couch and places a hand on top of her head. "What are you doing down here?"

Amara doesn't reply, she just continues moving around like she had some place to be. Emery pulls her brows together. What the hell is she doing?

Emery walks around the couch, "Mom?" She stops in her tracks when she sees her mom packing a suitcase. Emery stays silent for a moment, trying to think. She scratches the side of her brow. "What's going on?"

Amara let's out an exhausted breath. She zips up her suitcase and stands up with it in her hand. "I'm leaving."

"What?" Emery looks to the side. She laughs softly and looks back at her mom, who was walking towards the door. Emery stands in front of her mom, her hand up. "Wait, y-you're serious?"

Amara connects her distant and empty eyes with her daughter's worried one's. Emery raises her brows as Amara looks back down at the ground.

"Don't be ridiculous, mom." Emery's voice was soft, trying to convince her mom to stay. "Go back upstairs and go to sleep."

Amara shakes her head, "No."

Emery's right eye twitches and she runs a thumb under it. "Mom—"

"I'm not staying here. I need to go."

"Go—go where?"

"I-I don't know. But I can't stay here." Amara snaps her eyes over to Emery and all Emery could see is hatred. Hatred for her. "Not with you."

"Why?—"

"You killed my daughter." Amara snaps, she stands toe to toe with Emery. "Do you not get that?"

Emery's chest tightens. She knew that was true. But she had been spending these last 2 months, convincing herself it wasn't true...

But maybe it was.

"Oh, I get that." Emery nods her head. "Believe me. I know that I got Amaya killed. But what does that have to do with dad?"

"You didn't fight for him to get chemo and he's dying. You took Amaya to that pier and you didn't fight to get her back. You..." Amara wipes her mouth and tears blur her vision. "You took my family from me—you ruined me!" Amara stuffs clothes into her bag. "I can't watch the love of my life die. Especially with you here!"

"Okay, then I'll go. But you stay!" Emery seethes. Amara shakes her head. Emery's eyes widen and her breathing quickens. Her father was right upstairs, sleeping. How could she do this?

"Mom, you're not going—stop!" Emery grabs the bag from her mother. Out of blindful rage, Amara turns to Emery and slaps her across the face. Emery's head snaps to the side. Emery keeps her eyes on the floor and she chuckles. "You are such a fucking coward." She looks at her mom. "I see where I get it from now."

"I know you're off your meds, Emerson."

Emery tilts her head and squints her eyes. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah and your sister...she would be so disappointed in how you're turning out." Amara shakes her head.

Emery chuckles softly, "You do realize that dad is dying and you're leaving like the conniving little snake that you are, right?" She takes one small yet intimidating step towards her mom. "She wouldn't even want to call you her fucking mother."

"I was more of a mom to her than you're neglectful ass ever was." Emery scoffs. "You..." her voice starts to shake. "If you leave..." she drops the bag on the ground. "I don't want to see you back here again."

☆

The next morning, Elijah had come downstairs to see Emery sitting on the couch with her head in her hands. Emery had told him what happened the night before and her heart had shattered. Just like the night she told him he had lost a daughter.

Elijah cried and Emery comforted him. They both sat on the couch in silence for about an hour before Elijah spoke.

"What do we do now?"

Emery keeps her eyes on the ground, she sniffles and looks at her father. He had tears in his eyes and Emery's chest tightens. She wanted to cry for him. If she could take all his pain, she would. Emery's eyes harden with determination. I can try.

"I'll tell you what you're going to do..." Emery stands up, more pep in her voice. "You're going to pack your shit."

Elijah blinks and looks at her. "Excuse me?"

Emery moves her head from side to side. "Sorry, pack your things. And you're coming to L.A. with me."

Elijah shakes his head, "Emerson, I am not—"

"Yes. You are." Emery crouches in front of her dad. She grabs his hand. "You are moving in with me. So, you and I can enjoy the time we have left together."

A lump forms in Elijah's throat. Emery rolls her lips into her mouth and looks to the side. Don't cry, don't cry...

"It's just you and I now, dad." Emery exhales, looking back at her dad. "It hurts, but it's true."

Elijah looks into his daughter's strong eyes. He knew she was only staying strong for him. She was doing all of this for him. Elijah lets out a small breath, "Okay, Emerson. I'll pack."

Emery presses her lips into a small smile. "Good, let's go and figure this out. Together." She stands up and holds her hand out to her father.

A tear slips from his eye. He quickly wipes it and grabs Emery's hand. She pulls him onto his feet and pulls him into a warm embrace.

"I've got you, dad..."

...

Emery had just finished physical therapy and she was absolutely exhausted. She didn't even want to go today, but she didn't want to stay in her house all day with her sister's energy in her apartment. And her father had just moved in with her, and everything was more doom and gloom than usual. With their mom leaving, neither of them had much energy to talk about anything.

Emery lifts her eyes up from her shoes. She then stops in her tracks when she sees the girl leaning agajsnt the wall. "Tori, what are you doing here?"

Tori was lightly pushing a stroller back and forth. Her eyes move to the firefighter. "Emerson."

"Why are you here?" Emery asks, her tone monotone. Her eyes shift to Emmett.

"I...I don't know." Tori admits, her eyes were bloodshot. "I was just on a walk with Emmett and then I managed to get here."

Emery stays silent as Tori wipes at her eyes.

"I'm with Miles." Tori says. "I want our kid to have a chance at a family and if that means being with him, I'm fine with that. But, Amaya—"

"Tori..."

The girl stops talking and looks at the girl who had a dim energy to her. She looked tired.

"You shouldn't be here." Emery sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Your kid probably needs to get home, right?"

Tori looks at the sleeping Emmett and slightly opens her mouth. She closes her eyes for a moment before opening them again. "Y-Yeah. You're right..." she shakes her head. "I'm sorry." Her voice cracks. "I don't know what I was thinking—I shouldn't have come here."

Emery sighs as Tori stands up. Suddenly the girl collapses and falls to her knees, while sobbing. Emery doesn't make a move to comfort her or check on her. She just stares at her. Emery then looks to the side and exhales through her nose.

"I don't know what to do." Tori sobs with her hands over her face. "I-I loved her more than..."

Emery's entire body runs cold from the words Tori had spoke . Her eyes slightly widen, "More than anything?"

Tori slowly takes her hands off of her face. She looks at Emery and sees the distraught look across Emey's face. Like she had remembered something she forced herself to forget. Emery's eyes were now filled with tears. She thinks back to when she lost Helena.

She was sitting on the floor, just like how Tori was. Emery ended up at back at her parents house. She had no idea why she went there, she just...walked.

Then her dad found her. And he comforted her.

Tori was now in this exact position. And she needed someone. But what could Emery do?

Emery takes one step forward, but she freezes. A tear slips out of her eye and she quickly wipes it. Emery inhales a breath, gaining false strength. The same false strength she had when she comforted her dad. Emery could still feel the sting from her mother slapping her. Emery had walked over to Tori. She then sat next to her and pulled her into her side.

Tori lays her head against Emery's shoulder and continues to cry.

Emery swallows her cries and clears her throat. "She loved you more than anything too, y'know?"

Tori shakes her head, "I broke her heart."

Emery bites her lower lip. "I mean...yeah. But you also showed her what love was."

Tori pulls her brows together. "Really?"

Emery nods her head, "Yeah. She told me." She lays her head against Tori's.

Emery could feel Tori's tense body slightly relax. "Hey, it's later right now. So, how about you and Emmett take my room for the night and get some sleep?"

Tori lifts her head up. "Oh, no. You don't have to do that."

"Tori, it's fine." Emery looks at her. "You guys shouldn't be out this late. Call Miles and tell him you're staying here tonight."

Tori presses her lips into a small smile. "Thank you, Emerson."

Emery managed a smile that comforted Tori. "Anytime, kid."

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author's note.

Wait...y'all thought the pain was coming to an end just because Mama Sharpe ran for the hills??? Nah 🙃

I'm so mean. I know. I love y'all tho 🫶

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