CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN , HER LIFELINE

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"She was supposed to be here."

Bobby watches as Buck paces back and forth. The captain exchanges looks with the rest of the team. Today was the day the union announced a random drug testing for firefighters of the 118.

Even though, she wasn't currently working at the 118 due to her injuries; Dr. Martin had talked to Bobby a week earlier about Emery slowly transitioning back to the 118. And in order for her to come back she needed to take part in the drug test.

But, Emery hadn't shown up yet.

Everyone had finished their tests, but they all hadn't seen Emery in so long; they decided to wait up for her.

"Is she going to show up?" Chimney softy asks.

Bobby looks at his watch. "Well, the shift is over. So, there's no point in any of you waiting around."

Everyone begins to argue against Bobby's decision.

"Guys, you all have people to get home to, okay? Be with your families. I still have paperwork to go over, so I'll still be here when Emery gets here and so will Dr. Martin." Bobby holds his hands up, silencing the group.

Everyone stays silent and exchanges looks with one another. "You'll call us if she comes in?"

"I promise." Bobby nods. "You all will be getting detailed breakdowns about Emery's visit and her future at the station."

That was going to have to be enough for the firefighters. They all reluctantly walked down the stairs to get their things. All except one.

And Bobby wasn't surprised in the slightest when he saw Buck still standing there.

"Buck..."

"I think I should stay, Bobby." Buck says. "I mean, you said that people with someone to go home to should all head home, but there's no one for me." His throat tightens but he quickly clears it. "But, Emery. She's...mine." His eyes widen and his face gets hot. "Not like mine mine! But she's important to me." He touches the back of his neck.

It was hot in his uniform and he could hardly hear his own words. Shit, was he even talking?

"Okay, I may have used some poor choice of words." Bobby walks towards Buck and clasps his shoulder. "What I meant was, Emery isn't going to be alone when she's here. And you should trust me and Dr. Martin enough to be able to handle what's coming."

Buck pulls his brows together when he sees hesitation in Bobby's face. There wasn't just Emery's drug test going on today. There was something much more important that was going to happen. And that made Buck want to stay even more.

"Bobby, what's going on? Is Emerson okay?"

"She's okay." Bobby tries his best to assure Buck, but he knew it would fall flat. And Bobby was right. "And I'm sure Emery will explain everything to you when the times right. But as of right now, she needs to do this by herself, okay?"

Buck could feel his heart tighten, if that was possible. He knows how much of a hard time Emery has been having and he didn't want to overwhelm her and make anything harder for her. When she's ready to talk to you, she'll let you know.

Buck inhales a small shaky breath, but he nods his head. "Okay, I'll go."

Bobby gives Buck a small smile. "I'll let you know how she is when this is all over, all right?"

"Thanks, Bobby."

Hurried footsteps are heard from behind the two men. Bobby looks behind Buck and he sucks in a small breath. Buck turns and his voice gets in his throat.

"Hi, I'm sorry I'm late." Emery sets her bag down. "I was cleaning and lost track of time."

Emery honestly was stuck in traffic from her job at the grocery store. She hasn't told anyone besides Wren and her father about getting another job. Emery shifts her eyes to Buck, "Hey." A smile ghosts her lips.

Buck's heart jumps. "Hi—hey." He lets out a nervous chuckle. He then coughs which causes Emery to pull her brows together and Bobby to smile.

Buck lightly hits his chest. "Sorry, uh...dust is everywhere." He waves a hand. "No one's been keeping up with the chores."

Emery clicks her tongue, "Figured." She looks around the kitchen.

"The 118 hasn't been the same without you."

Emery shifts her eyes back to Buck and her eyes soften. "Yeah, hopefully I'll be back soon." She hated lying. Especially to Buck.

Buck slightly opens his mouth. "I am supposed to be having lunch with Maddie. So, I will see you two later." He looks at Bobby. Buck then looks at Emery and he lets out a small breath. "I'll see you later, Em."

Emery presses her lips into a small smile. "I'll see you later, Buck." She sends him a small wave. Buck waves back before reluctantly walking towards the stairs.

Emery slightly turns her head and watches as Buck disappears down the stairs. A small smile forms on her lips before she looks back at Bobby. Emery's smile drops when she notices Bobby smirking at her. Her back straightens, "Don't give me that look."

Bobby chuckles, "All right.You ready?"

Emery softly hums, "Of course." She grabs the clear cup from Bobby. "Is Dr. Martin here?"

"Yeah, he's in my office getting some work done."

Emery nods her head, "Guess, I will also get my work done." She points at the clear cup. The girl then winces, "That was weird—sorry. I'll go pee now." She quickly hurries down the stairs.

☆

Emery's urine test didn't come back until 3 days later. Normally, the longest she's had to wait would be 2 days. But the girl didn't mind avoiding her results. She knew that either way she was going to have a conversation with Bobby. And the results of her test weren't going to be a shock.

"Emery, you failed your drug test."

Emery blinks, "Oh..." she then exhales and nods her head. "Okay. I understand...listen, I know there's a policy and if the fire chief—"

"The fire chief doesn't know."

Emery stops her words and a crease forms between her brows. Bobby folds his arms. "The only people who know are me and Dr. Martin, The one who checked all of our urine."

"Wait..." Emery covers her eyes with her good hand and she begins to feel frustrated. She knew exactly what Bobby was trying to say. "You guys can't just...throw away my results."

"We didn't do that. We issued different urine."

"You can't do that either!" Emery abruptly shoots up from her seat, the chair pushes back with a force strong enough to knock it over. "I-it's not right, okay?! I failed the drug test. So, now I should be punished—"

"You're an amazing firefighter who's going through a lot right now." Bobby's voice was calm. Emery shakes her head and wipes at her forehead. Bobby tilts his head, "You don't have to come back in the field right away but—"

"I don't..." Emery trails off her snappy words. "If you don't tell the chief. I will." God, she remembers when Helena said those exact words to her.

Bobby raises a brow, "Really? Why?"

"What do you mean why? It's wrong!"

"You've done it before—"

"And last time I did that my wife killed herself!" Emery cries. "I paid the price—I learned my lesson from last time." At this point, Emery was now standing toe-to-toe with Bobby.

Bobby keeps his eyes on Emery's shaky dilated ones. It hurt to even see her this way. "Em...what's going on?"

Emery scoffs and walks back over to the table. She sits down and places her hands over her head. "It's fine...PTSD or whatever."

Bobby stares at the back of Emery for a moment before walking over to her. Her breathing was heavy and her eyes were closed.

"I recognize what you're going through." Bobby softly states.

Emery then scoffs, but she allows him to continue. "What is going on?"

It was the same question he asked a minute ago, but this time there was such a heaviness to it. Like he was in just as much pain as she was. Bobby has been in her shoes before. Maybe that's why Emery took her hands off her head. And maybe that's why she looked at him with those lost glassy eyes that were on the verge of breaking.

"I can't handle anybody t-touching me." Emery lets out a devasted breath, tears rolling down her face. "Anytime I f-feel someone touch me, I just feel Thomas." She shakes her head.

Bobby's own eyes fill with tears thinking about the boy.

"He was..." it was hard for her to speak. "a brave, kind-hearted, and selfless man. And now everytime I think of him...I see his body in that barrel with me." Emery covers her eyes. "And he loved Dylan till his last breath and I...I took that kid's father away from him."

"No, absolutely not—"

"Stop it. Yes, I did." Emery retorts. "I interacted with Joe first. I then tracked him down—"

"Emerson, look at me."

Emery forces her bloodshot eyes back on Bobby's. "That man has been hunting firefighters down for years. Getting people to befriend him outside of their shift. Making himself seem like the approachable guy everyone feels safe around. He is a serial killer. And you didn't know that—you couldn't have known."

Emery looks down at the table and bites her lower lip. She digs in her jacket pocket and pulls the syringe out. Bobby tenses as she sets it on the table. But a soft breath of relief escapes his lips when he notices it was full.

Emery keeps her eyes on the table, ashamed of what she has become. "I failed the drug test on purpose." Her voice cracks. "I didn't...I don't think I can be a firefighter anymore." She shrugs a shoulder. "I'm a fucking shell of whoever the hell I was when I first started working here."

"I can't be in small spaces. That...fucking barrel." Emery shakes her head. "And I can't hear loud noises. My wrist..." she looks down at her wrist that was in a black sling. "I can't...feel it."

"I couldn't save Helena, I couldn't save Amaya, and I couldn't save Tom." Emery looks back at Bobby and a chuckle that was filled with nothing but pain escapes her lips. "I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a firefighter anymore."

Emery covers her eyes with one hand and she lets out a breath. Bobby takes a moment to think about Emery's words.

"Okay." Bobby sighs.

Emery could feel a wave of relief wash over her. Bobby was giving up on her and that's exactly what she wanted. Emery just wanted to be left al—

"What if you didn't have to be a firefighter anymore?"

Emery looks back at Bobby with a deadpanned expression. "Yeah, that's what I want."

"I mean...what if I sent you back to the academy for EMT classes?"

Emery raises her brows and sets her hand on the table.

"And when you come back you can ride with Hen and Chim, feel that out for a little while."

"You want me to become a paramedic?" Emery softly huffs. "I can't even do anything for myself right now."

"This is for you, Em." Bobby says. "Look, I've been thinking about it for a while now and I want you to take those classes and become a paramedic."

"Why?"

Bobby shrugs, "Maybe you'll learn that it's not only other people that are worth saving."

Emery blinks, she needed him to elaborate. Bobby softly smirks, "You deserve to be saved too, Emerson Sharpe."

Emery lets out a breath and her eyes blur with tears again. She really does have amazing fucking people in her life. Joe took her because he said she would end up alone. But with the people she had in her life, they would never let that happen to her.

"Okay, I'll do it."

☆

"You didn't have to drop me off."

Bobby puts the car in park and looks at the nervous girl. Emery's eyes were on the window, looking at the building. She looks down at the flyer and inhales a shaky breath. "What do I say when I go in there?"

Bobby shrugs, "Nothing. You just sit down and listen to other people's struggles and how they got to that chair they're in."

Emery sucks in a breath and nervously begins to wave the flyer in her hand. "I can just listen?"

"You don't even have to talk."

Emery gnaws on her lower lip. "This..." her face begins to grow hot with embarrassment. Her eyes trail down to the flyer in her hand. "This may be a lot to ask, but—"

"You want me to go inside with you?"

Emery stops and she shifts her shaken expression to Bobby's hopeful one. "Yes, please."

Bobby nods his head, "It would be my honor."

"Thank you."

Bobby gives Emery a comforting smile. The two then get out of the car and make their way into the building.

As soon as she entered the building, her skin prickled from the cold air. Emery was also extremely nervous. Maybe that's why she felt like she was going to be sick.

It had been a week since Emery agreed to start taking EMT classes. But that wasn't the only thing she had agreed on with Bobby. She agreed to start going to meetings for her addiction. She even decided to officially start seeing Dr. Martin again.

Emery was scared to heal from this stage of her life. If she healed a part of her was scared of Tom being erased. That was the last thing she wanted.

But Emery knew that wasn't true. She would never forget Tom—her probie.

And if Emery wanted to show Tom's parents that she could take care of Dylan, then she needed to get better.

Emery sat next to Bobby in the back row. Her good hand nervously picked at her pants—distracting herself in anyway possible.

"Hello, everyone and thank you for coming."

"My name is Wendall."

Emery pulls her brows together and looks at Bobby. He then looks at the girl, already knowing she was looking at him. Bobby had told her about his sponsor, Wendall. He just never mentioned where he had his meetings. A part of Emery was comforted by the idea that Bobby knew the sponsor that was here.

Maybe, this wouldn't be so bad after all.

...

The entire team was skeptical about Bobby calling them upstairs. Normally, he would call them upstairs to tell them dinner was ready or if he just wanted to relay news to them. And as soon as they got upstairs, there wasn't anything on the stove and Emery was standing right beside Bobby.

"Em? Wait, are you back?" Eddie asks.

Emery slightly opens her mouth and looks at Bobby. Buck pulls his brows together from the hesitation between the two. "What's going on?"

Emery looks back at her team. "I just wanted to tell you guys, firsthand what's going on." She rolls her lips into her mouth.

"As of right now, I won't be coming back to the 118."

"Oh..." Hen shrugs her shoulders. "Okay, then when will you be coming back?"

Emery looks at the ground for a moment and the team watches as she tries to find the right words.

"Emery?"

"Guys, I'm not coming back for about 6 months."

"Wh-what? Wait—6 months?!" Hen chokes out.

"I don't get it. What happened to desk duty? Even with your hand you could—"

"I'm not coming back because, I have to focus on other things right now." Emery nervously scratched her wrist.

"What other things?"

Emery looks to the side with shame. She didn't even know how to get the next words out. "When Joe injected me with that horse tranquilizer...I liked it." She admits. "I mean, I hated it in that moment—it was terrifying not being able to be aware of my surroundings with that in me. But when I got home and away from Joe...I missed the feeling."

"I'm not proud to admit this, but I was—I am an addict." Emery's eyes fill with tears. "And I'm really fucking sorry that I let you guys down:"

"And Bobby has been taking me to amazing meetings. I'm seeing Dr. Martin again." Emery inhales a shaky breath. "And...when I come back to the 118 it won't be as a firefighter. It will be as a paramedic."

Emery then looks at Chimney and Hen. "Only if you guys will take me." She nervously chuckles. "I would understand if you didn't want me. I know I disappointed you guys—all of you guys."

"It all goes back to the tranquilizer that Joe gave me. I became addicted to that feeling it took away from me. The feeling of worry and fear."

"And once I came back. I thought it would be easier pushing everyone away. But it wasn't. Because you guys are my lifeline. And I would probably be dead in a ditch somewhere without all of you. So, I'm starting as a paramedic again to...gain some perspective on my life. The life I want to live again."

"Because I know it may not seem like it right now. But...I don't want to die." She chokes out. "I don't want to die..."

Emery inhales a shaky breath. "I'm just...really sorry for disappointing you guys." She wipes the stray tear from her cheek. Emery keeps her eyes on her team, waiting for them to tell her how disappointed they were in her. She waited for them to scream at her. Emery wanted them to be angry at her.

But that wasn't the case.

"For someone really smart, you're really stupid."

Emery sniffles, "What?" Her eyes shift to Eddie.

"Em, why would we be disappointed in your for wanting to get better?" Hen chuckles. "If anything we're fucking proud of you."

Emery's mouth slightly opens and her brown eyes fill with tears once again.

"And wanting to become a paramedic?" Chimney claps his hands. "Badass."

"Welcome to the team!" Hen holds her arms out.

"The better team." Chimney adds and Hen agrees. Eddie clicks his tongue. "Uh, absolutely not."

Emery watches as the three begin to argue. Then her gaze drifts to Buck—his eyes already on hers. Emery tenses but she presses her lips into a small smile. "I'm sorry—"

"Can I hug you?"

Emery stops her words and she swallows. Ever since she was kidnapped, Emery couldn't feel touch the same. All she could think of was Tom's rotting skin against hers. Just the thought made her want to vomit.

But thinking about hugging Buck brought a certain comfort that she hasn't felt in a long time. So, Emery inhales a breath and nods her head.

"Yes."

Buck lets out a breath of relief and quickly walks over to Emery. He wraps his arms around her and Emery practically melted from the warmth and comfort she felt. She wraps her arms around his neck and pulls Buck closer to her.

"You do whatever you need to do to get better." Buck softly speaks. "And we'll be here when you get back."

Emery presses her lips against the crook of his neck.

"Thank you."

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author's note.

y'all the next chapter is going to be a time jump. Even though it's a time jump I'll be writing 'Eddie's Begins' episode.

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