i guess i haven't said a lot about pride in the last couple of years. to be honest, i'm not the proudest.

i'm in a straight relationship and everything, but even before then i just... i began to feel a lot of shame for identifying as anything other than simply straight. i'd been taken advantage of by a few girls that i thought i liked and since then i just... i just haven't been so proud. i'm truly sorry for it too, it guilts me a lot.

i thought i was bisexual for a long time, but the internalized issues i dealt with stopped me from ever fully saying anything proper about it. i threw around the terms pan and nb and too many different identities in the first year or two that i first began to get exposed to non straight stuff and it's confused me a lot, even years later. i honestly wish i'd let myself be 14 back then, because my internalized biphobia - the thoughts that i just knew i wasn't good enough for any guy, the feeling like i was forced into it, just so many problems that had been created unjustly in my mind - ruined a lot of what pride you're supposed to take in yourself and i wasn't mature enough (not saying others can't have been mature bu then or even sooner, i just wasn't) to call myself anything proper because i didn't know.

i still don't fully know. i don't know, i just don't know how i feel about it. i'm not proud of my inability to decide what i am. i love my boyfriend, but internally i think that saying i could possibly like other genders feels like betraying him. i love him so so so much and no matter what i still will. i just... i just betray myself with my own thoughts a lot over all of this stuff.

i'm sorry i'm not proud enough to flaunt my sexuality, i really truly am but i wish i weren't. i want to work on it but i really just don't know what to call myself!! the term 'queer' has become kind of appealing in my mind, but i don't envision myself as being queer. there's no easy word i can use to describe how my identity flows like the mfing wind lmao, and i take little to no pride in that.

i don't feel passionate about calling myself bisexual. maybe i'll try queer as a basic umbrella kind of label, maybe it'll comfort me a little bit? i don't know. i know i'm not straight and that's it but i just don't know much else man. all in all, i'm sorry for not being proud enough during pride. i want to be more proud, and in the next year maybe i'll try to figure out how to be :)

this has been a journal entry, courtesy of kath who wants to write her feelings down more.