forty . . . living in fear
( march 18, 2150 — arkadia )

IN THE FOLLOWING four days, things had leveled out around Arkadia. After their argument about Clarke's list, Bellamy returned to his residence and himself and Cullen talked about the situation rationally, with them agreeing to take every day as it came, hoping that they didn't have to use the list. He also informed Cullen of their estimated two months until Praimfaya reached them; according to Raven's calculations, if they tripled their workload, then maybe they'd be ready to leave by the time the radiation came, but maybe was doubtful.

The situation involving the irradiated fish affecting Luna was cleared by the end of the day the last of the Boat People died. Due to her Nightblood, Luna's body was able to recover itself in under a few hours, all of the symptoms Abby and Jackson had recorded just disappearing as though they hadn't been there. It was because of that discovery that Abby, along with a group of volunteers, made their way to Becca's Island the following evening, Abby believing that maybe Nightblood was their way forward — the way for everybody to survive.

Cullen had been invited along, the Vander female declining Abby's offer, reasoning she was needed at Arkadia now more than ever with Raven accompanying the group to Becca's Island. She donated Abby some of her blood for testing, wishing them the best on their discoveries before they, Abby, Jackson, Raven, Miller, Murphy, Emori, Luna, and Nyko, took off on their journey, leaving Cullen in charge of helping to fix the ship and oversee rationing.

She had just finished the redesign on the hangar bay door when she spotted Clarke and Monty walking their way up from the gate, the serious expression on Clarke's face contrasting heavily with the one that lifted Monty's lips. The sight of her friend genuinely smiling brightened Cullen's dull day, with her moving from the entrance of the hangar bay to join them on their stroll.

"Clarke, you're not a geneticist." Monty said as Cullen pulled up beside them.

"Neither is my Mom." Clarke answered dully, simply raising her eyebrows in greeting to Cullen.

From their two sentences she was able to hear, Cullen pieced together their conversation, pinning Clarke's aggravated look down to her not being able to go along with the group to Becca's Island. "They have Raven. Genetic code, computer code. She's a walking information booklet." She piped up.

"They'll figure it out." Monty assured.

"Guys, I'm serious." Clarke pulled to a stop, pulling their movements to a stop, also.

"So am I. If Jaha's right and Becca created Nightblood there, they'll find her records, and all they have to do is reverse-engineer it from Luna. Everyone lives."

"If they can get it done before the radiation gets here." Said Clarke.

"Hey," Cullen craned her neck, capturing Clarke's distant eyes, "we have time. There's still hope that this will work itself out."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Then I guess we better fix this ship." Monty answered, all three of their eyes turning to look at Alpha Station. With the amount each member of Skaikru was working, it looked a lot better than it did when Cullen first arrived there five months prior, and she didn't doubt that they would have it ready on time. "Riley, how's it coming?"

Cullen looked to the boy that was approaching them, smiling in greeting when their eyes met. Riley was a boy from Farm Station that Bellamy rescued at the beginning of the month — he, like Monty, was very knowledgeable when it came to engineering, and was more than willing to offer his help in repairing the ship.

"We're on schedule here. We should have the radiation patch up before dark." Said Riley.

"See? One less thing to worry about." Monty glanced across to Clarke, Cullen turning her head in time to catch the small smile of acceptance on Clarke's lips.

A loud rumble of thunder followed Monty's words, the trio turning to look at an approaching, dark gray cloud. It was creeping down the mountain of trees, looking as though it weighed a ton in rain that it would unleash at any given moment. And, with their new knowledge of the radiation being closer than they expected, Cullen's eyes wandered over to Clarke's, dread filling them immediately.

"Black rain." She mumbled, and the fear began to break out across Arkadia.

"All right. Everyone inside, just like we practiced. Go." Clarke's voice shouted through Arkadia, its residences sprinting towards the nearest entrance. An alarm started blaring, and Cullen reached out to push Monty in tow of the people running to escape the radiation when Clarke turned to her, a practiced request on her lips. "Will you check along the fence?"

Cullen nodded. "Got it. Get inside."

She took off in the opposite direction that everyone was running, only capturing a few questioning stares as she bolted for the gate. She frantically looked around, eyes scouring across the woods that surrounded Arkadia before she began to make her way around the premises, ushering those not running fast enough towards the nearest entrance. Cullen didn't stop running until she was all the way around, having helped a dozen people away from their work stations in time for them not to get caught in the black rain.

Having done a complete circle of Arkadia's fence, Cullen slowed to a fast paced walk when Monty's scream of, "Jasper! Come on!" could be heard from the main entrance.

She was sprinting again, running straight past the entrance and past her friends on the way to Jasper, who was walking leisurely up the dirt path. "Get inside!" Cullen's voice grated against her throat, shouting back at her friends that hovered outside the entrance. Jasper, who hadn't a care in the world, smiled almost relievingly at the sound of the warning alarm blaring. She skidded to a stop in front of him, hands encircling his forearms. "Jasper! What the hell are you doing?"

"Can't live your life in fear." Firmly stated Jasper, ripping his arms from Cullen's grip.

"Jasper!" Monty's scream was heard from behind them, just as the rain began to pour.

Cullen swung around, eyes widening at the sight of Monty trying to dash forward. "No, Monty! Get back inside!" She screamed desperately, turning back to Jasper and seizing hold of his arm, again — she was mortified at his gleeful expression, head tipped back with his tongue sticking out of his mouth. "Jasper, please. You have to get inside."

Just as the rain hit them, Jasper began to choke, his free hand coming up to curl around his throat as gagging sounds began rumbling from his chest. Cullen hands fumbled against his jacket, cries of horrification screaming from her lips as she continued to attempt to pull Jasper to the entrance, him only being able to choke and trip over his own feet. It wasn't only the rain that drenched Cullen's skin, but the tears that quickly began to stream down her cheeks, pleading for Jasper to cooperate and get inside falling amiss as the boy stopped struggling, words clogging in his throat.

"The sky is... falling." Her hands fell limp, petrifying cackles of taunt shaking Jasper's body as he straightened himself up, arms outstretched as he continued to laugh. "The sky is falling!"

Her tears stopped dead in their tracks, eyes drying to a drought as her bleeding concern morphed into extreme exasperation, hands moving to slam aggressively against Jasper's chest. She pushed him backwards a few steps, moving to hit him once more as she demanded, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It's just rain, not radioactive ash." Jasper excused, grinning as Cullen began to walk away. "Come on. It's just a joke, Ace."

"Leave me the fuck alone, Jasper." She shouted over her shoulder, storming up the path towards the entrance where her friends had remained, annoyed glares being sent in the direction of the Jordan boy. It was only when Cullen was stepping inside that everyone looked away from Jasper, unamused and now newly concerned about Cullen.

She stepped inside, hands moving to remove her drenched jacket as Monty stepped closer to her, a large frown on his lips. "Are you ok?"

"He's messed up, Monty." Cullen spat out in hatred, stripping out of her t-shirt, leaving her in her sports bra. "He's seriously messed up in the head."

"I know." Was all that Monty could say, sighing to himself as Cullen continued to storm away, not thinking it wise to follow after her at the moment — Cullen agreed, keeping to herself until she had fully calmed down.

♥️

HER FURY DIDN'T last long after she got back to Bellamy's residence, showered, and changed into some dry clothing. Cullen had learned in the past five months that being annoyed because of Jasper's callous actions was a waste of her time, and that if she wanted to become more understanding of his attitude, she couldn't blow up at him like she had. Though Cullen still felt she had every right to be upset with the stunt Jasper pulled, as it wasn't only herself that was worried about him.

After learning that when they were in Polis, it turned out Jasper had taken the chip, and later attempted to commit suicide, Cullen had been keeping a closer eye on him. Jasper didn't need a babysitter, but Monty had expressed to Cullen on numerous occasions that he was worried that one day, Jasper might actually pull the trigger. It was more horrifying for them now after learning Jasper hadn't killed himself that day because he found out the world was ending in six months time — he told Monty he didn't see the point in wasting his efforts when they'd all be dead soon anyway. That was why Cullen was worried.

She didn't focus on that. After getting changed and waiting for the rain to stop, Cullen went back outside and started working on the radiation patch with Riley. Compared to the boy that everyone was so fond of, Cullen had absolutely no experience with engineering, though Riley was kind enough to reassure her that it was the fact she was trying to help that counted.

As they worked, Riley told Cullen stories about their time in space. She had heard most of them, but was thrilled to finally find out Monty and Jasper had been arrested for stealing and smoking illegal drugs; apparently, Monty had stolen some 'herbs' from his parents' garden, and when he forgot to replace the ones he had taken, himself and Jasper were locked up. Cullen had noticed that when Riley told the story, it lifted the boy from his gloom, her even hearing a short laugh come from him when he told her he got lucky for not getting caught, too.

They were almost finished with the patch when Monty turned up in front of them, hands delved deep in the pockets of his jacket, a tormented look on his features.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked, eyes barely staying on Cullen for more than a second before he was looking away again, raising her suspicions through the roof.

"Yeah. Sure." She answered, and turned to Riley. "I'll be back in a minute." When he nodded, she made her way around their work station, having to walk faster to catch up with Monty. He had led them far away from earshot, ducking underneath an emptied out shipping container that was used for shelter purposes — when they came to a stop, Monty continued to stare at the ground, Cullen's intrigue only heightening. "Is everything ok?"

Monty waited a few seconds before he blurted out, "Clarke made a list." His eyes moved to meet hers, shadowed by his hair that needed a desperate cut. "Of a hundred people that she thinks are important enough to go up in the ship."

Cullen frowned. This had been one of the many reasons why she wanted to keep as far away from Clarke's list as possible: she wasn't able to share it with Monty, the only people who knew about it being Bellamy, Clarke, Raven, and herself. Keeping something from Monty wasn't what Cullen wanted to do — she told him everything, or as much as she was able to. They had an honest friendship, and the guilt of not telling him this had finally erupted in her stomach, sending a wave of sickness burning up her throat.

"I know." She answered.

"You knew?" Cullen could only nod, looking away from Monty's disgruntled eyes. "You knew and you didn't tell me?"

"It's Clarke's backup plan. In case the Nightblood solution doesn't work."

"That doesn't make the fact she wrote it ok." Monty fumed, voice raising to just below a shout. "Did you also know you're not on it? Or me, or Jasper, or Harper?"

"I knew I wasn't on it. I didn't know you guys weren't." When he fell silent, Cullen looked up, her chest tightening at the defeated expression on Monty's face — it made her step forward, her next words wavering vulnerably from her lips, "Monty, if I knew you weren't on the list, I would've told you. You know that. I would've argued that you deserve to be on the list more than anybody."

Monty raised his hands, holding up both of his index fingers to signal for Cullen to stop talking. When she fell flat, dropping her arms that reached out to console him, Monty asked, "Why aren't you bothered that you're not on it?"

Her shoulders tensed, a soft exhale of breath sounding from her nostrils. "Clarke is the most levelheaded person I know. It wasn't easy for her to pick between five hundred people, but she had to do it. She had to decide who was worthy of surviving Praimfaya, and I didn't fit into the categories. It's hard to accept — trust me, I know — but there isn't anyone I would trust more to make a decision like that."

"Why does Clarke get to decide who lives or dies?" Inquired Monty, looking to Cullen for a genuine, matter-of-fact answer. "Why is it always Clarke who gets to make that decision?"

"Because nobody else wants to. Clarke makes the hard decisions when nobody else can."

"Her and Bellamy are going up. Does it not bother you that you might never see Bellamy again?" He contended, reaching straight down her throat and ripping her heart from her chest.

Never seeing Bellamy again was what Cullen imagined death to feel like. Without him, she didn't know how she would breathe. Without him, she couldn't find a reason for wanting to survive Praimfaya. Never seeing Bellamy again was what tortured Cullen the most, because it was the thing that she knew would be the most difficult. Them saying goodbye; them kissing each other for the last time. It was as good as being dead, and not even death could separate them because Cullen wasn't going to die. She was going to survive Praimfaya, alone, and live with the fact the person she cared most about was still alive, but completely out of her reach.

The idea was heart shattering. It felt like constant strangulation, or somebody stabbing a knife into her heart, and twisting it until she bled out. It felt like her entire body was being ripped in half, the broken pieces going unmissed at Bellamy's chance to continue surviving for the human race. She had been screaming, and crying, and begging to whoever was listening for any other solution that wouldn't separate her from the man she cared so much about, but there was none, and she had to continue living in the pain that shadowed her.

"Of course it bothers me, but there's nothing I can do." Cullen choked out. "The fact that Bellamy's on that list is the only thing stopping me from exposing Clarke myself."

"Then let's tell our people. Let's—"

"Monty." Clarke's voice stopped the Green boy in his tangent, appearing around the corner of the open shipping container. Monty was already making a move to leave, Clarke's hands reaching out to grab hold of his arms to stop him in his way. "Monty, please."

"What, Clarke?" He demanded, stepping back beside Cullen as a way to avoid her touch.

"It wasn't easy making that list. I only had so many slots for engineers. You're an apprentice. Jaha's more knowledgeable about the ship. He's more experienced, and Raven—"

"That's what you think this is about? Clarke, I get why you didn't put me on the list. I may have even agreed with it. It's just, who are you? When did you become this person?" Monty interrupted.

"I haven't become anyone." She defended.

"The Clarke I know wouldn't be arresting her friends." Cullen's eyebrows pulled together, eyes moving to the Griffin girl in questioning.

"Kane agreed that we needed to keep this quiet."

"Kane isn't here. That's just an excuse." Argued Monty, bringing a whole new frown to Cullen's lips as she reminded herself how much she missed Kane and his ability to fix every situation. "You're the one saying, you live and Harper dies. You're the one shock-batoning Jasper, then arresting him. You're the one splitting up Cullen and Bellamy."

"No." Clarke's voice wavered as she looked to Cullen, shaking her head. "Cullen understands."

"Does she? You're the one going too far and using the same old justification — 'it's all for my people.'" Monty continued. "I know you think people will freak out, but if you just tell everyone the truth, maybe they'll surprise you."

When Cullen noticed Clarke beginning to tear herself between two paths, she stepped forward. "Maybe Monty's right, Clarke. A hundred people surviving is better than no people surviving."

"It's too risky." Clarke refused, leaving Monty to sigh almost knowingly.

"Jasper was right. You're not God." Monty finalized, before walking away from the two females. Cullen stood motionlessly, frowning back to Clarke at a loss of words at what Monty had just unraveled before her. She didn't have anything to say, because while she could understand why Monty wanted to tell their people, she knew how difficult the situation was that Clarke had been put in. It was also why she was so panicked after hearing Monty's voice announce over the rover's P.A., "I have an announcement to make."

She was bolting out from underneath the shipping container, blazing eyes finding Monty as she broke out into a faster run to get to him before he could say more. "Monty, stop. Don't do this."

"Clarke Griffin has been lying to you. Arkadia will only save one hundred people." Monty continued, Cullen pulling to a haltering stop when she noticed Clarke's list in his hand. "Who thinks they made the list? Abby Griffin, Eric Jackson, Thelonious Jaha, Raven Reyes, Octavia Blake, Jim Bruder, Heather David, Grazia Watson, Danny Vertue, Sarah Soderquist, Susan Crawford, Shelley Skerritt..."

Monty continued down the list, reading every name as the people of Arkadia stopped working. Each of them gathered in a circle around the rover, Cullen's alarmed eyes filtering around them before landing on Clarke, who stood in the middle like a deer in headlights. Her entire plan of anonymity had been flushed right in front of her, only Cullen seeming to notice the drain in life in her eyes.

Once all the names had been read, the demanding questions followed. Clarke remained in the center of the circle of their people, Cullen frozen in her spot beside Monty, who wasn't at all regretful of his actions.

"I didn't survive the Ice Nation just to die because you think I'm not good enough." Riley hurdled the blame at Clarke.

"Riley, you're smart, but you were training to be a Guard on the Ark. We only need so many soldiers." Clarke reasoned.

"You're telling me that Darcy," Riley gestured to a young woman on his right, "is more qualified than me? She's a trainee, too, and I'm a hell of a lot better shot. No offence."

"I know this is hard to take in, but to ensure the survival of the human race, the list had to be weighted towards young women who can have children."

"Wait, what? It's because she can have kids? How's that fair?" A man named Hayes asked.

"It's not fair. It's smart." Clarke argued.

From beside her, Monty contended, "Yeah? What about Harper?"

"There's a chance Harper could be a drain on medical resources."

"Well, I'm not sick." Harper disputed.

"Not yet." Clarke frowned.

Monty looked at his girlfriend. "Your Dad." He revealed, before looking more angrily back to Clarke. "You went into her medical records?"

"You're condemning me for an illness that I might have someday?" Harper asked.

"I had to consider all the variables." Said Clarke.

"That's rich for a person who put herself on the list." Spat Harper in return.

"And Bellamy Blake? Come on." A man, George, inquired from behind Clarke.

Cullen's defenses were immediately raised, temperamentally storming across to where Clarke stood. "A man that has done nothing but defend this camp since it landed on Earth? God forbid Clarke puts someone who can fight on the list." She gritted out, refraining herself from moving more towards him by saying, "Choose your words more carefully next time, or you won't live to see the next six hours, never mind the next six months."

"Of course Clarke and Bellamy should be included." The almost harmonious sound of Jaha's voice cut in, bringing Cullen's temper down as he stepped out from the crowd, and moved to place a hand on both her and Clarke's shoulders. "Strong leadership is essential for survival. All right. You don't like the list." Jaha stepped up to Monty, gesturing for him to give him the paper — when he did, Jaha lifted it in the air. "Consider it shredded. Now, we can keep fighting each other and die, or we can work together and give everyone a shot at survival, your choice."

"Meaning what?" Monty asked.

"We hold a lottery, randomly choose the hundred people to survive, but you have to work for it every day. You don't show up for your assignments, you can't be in the lottery, and when the time comes, we'll collect the names, and we draw. Good?" Jaha asked Monty, who nodded, before he asked their people — they nodded, murmurs of agreement floating around them. "Then it's settled. Now, that radiation shield is ready. Who's gonna help me put it in place?"

Everyone asserted, and began making their way back towards the ship. Jaha was about to escape with them when Clarke caught his arm, and asked him, "What are you doing?"

"Helping." Jaha answered. "I'm not trying to undermine you, Clarke."

"You have to know that a random lottery is risky. We could end up with no doctors, no engineers."

"You saw that we have to give them something to fight for. You can't tell people they have no value." Replied Jaha.

"That's not what she said." Cullen stepped in, shaking her head in Clarke's defense.

Jaha looked to Cullen. "Well, that's what they heard. The list was pragmatic, but the people need to feel like they have a say in their fate."

"I hope you're right." Clarke accepted the list back from Jaha, who smiled at them both before taking off in the direction of the ship. Cullen watched him go, eyes only falling back on Clarke when she said, "I was just trying to do the right thing."

Cullen could see that Clarke meant well — it was all she ever saw when looking at her. From that moment in Mount Weather, wanting to make sure her people were safe, to that very moment, all Clarke wanted was to survive alongside her people. It was one of the many reasons why Cullen stood behind her, supporting her decisions the entire way.

"I know, but maybe this is the way you do that." Cullen reasoned, curling her fingers around Clarke's palm and squeezing gently. "We're gonna survive, Clarke. One way or another, none of us are dying."