thirty four . . . chosen love
( may 3, 2281 — eligius iv shop )

SHE COULDN'T LOOK at him. Abby had successfully uploaded Kane into the mind drive and put it into Gavin's awaiting body, and Cullen still couldn't look at him. Kane had tried to speak to her — she knew it was him, simply by the way he spoke — but Cullen couldn't do it. She couldn't look at the man she loved dearly because while it was his essence, it was not him. Nothing about Kane was Kane anymore. And, the most painful thing about it was that Kane seemed to know exactly how Cullen felt; after seeing Gracie again, telling her how much he missed her, Kane hadn't come near them again.

Telling Gracie had been hard, too. They had had this very conversation two days ago now, with Gracie begging that they got as far from this situation as possible; and here Cullen was, throwing her into it again. Gracie had talked to Kane as she used to, but as soon as the man was far enough away from them to not hear their words, Gracie cried. Gracie cried because he wasn't her Pops anymore, and that broke Cullen's heart.

As Kane sat across the room talking to Niylah, Cullen couldn't help but feel like they were no better than the Primes. Not only was Gavin not of 'royal blood' as Russell had put it, they had wrongfully erased his mind with Gavin still believing that his sacrifice meant something to some Gods that did not exist. It was assisted murder, Cullen had figured out, and while she had killed people before, this was different — she hadn't known Gavin, but she knew that he didn't deserve to die.

"Mom?" Gracie's voice was quiet from beside her, frown deepening when Cullen's tired eyes dragged up from her bowl of algae to meet hers. "Are you ok?"

A small smile battled its way onto her lips. "I'm fine." She lied seamlessly, shifting beneath Raven's questioning gaze. "I just want to get back to our people." Cullen deemed herself selfish when the only person her heart yearned to see was Bellamy.

"Looks like it won't be long now." Raven muttered, head nodding towards where Abby had just entered into the mess, frantically looking around for someone — Kane. Before Cullen could stop her, Raven stood from her chair and wedged herself in Abby's path. "Was it worth it?"

"Raven, you did the right thing." Said Abby.

"How would you know?" Gracie's subtle nudge to Cullen's elbow indicated that she didn't want to see this argument play out. With one steady inhale, Cullen stood from her chair as Raven continued, "Why don't we ask him?"

She reached forward for Raven's hand, only to flinch away when Kane came up on her right; he visibly cringed as Cullen moved away from him. "Raven," she requested pleadingly.

Raven didn't bother looking away from Kane. "Kane, are you ok with this?"

Before the man had a chance to answer, the doors to the mess opened again, and Simone and her Guards filed in — the simple sight of the Nightblood solution in Simone's arms had Cullen reaching out for Gracie, tugging her daughter close to her side. Cullen had been there last night when Kane awakened and Abby handed over the solution, feeling pathetically helpless that she couldn't do anything to stop the transfer.

"Abby." Simone greeted, her eyes flickering around those who stood. "Good, you're all here. Marcus."

Cullen's eyes moved up to see Kane's face contort in confusion before Abby explained, "This is one of the leaders of Sanctum, Simone Lightbourne."

"Hallowed be her name." The Guards rehearsed.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. If you don't mind, I'm anxious to get home. You understand." Said Simone, completely oblivious to the Guard on her right inching forward, starstruck gaze flitting around Kane's face.

A chill levelled across the room as Kane breathed, "You knew him."

Sierra, the Guard, backed down, only to perk up when Simone offered assurance of the information about to slip past her lips. "Yes. Gavin was my husband. Please tell him that I'm overjoyed he could help you and become one with the Primes."

Something close to heartbreaking devastation rolled down Cullen's spine as her eyes moved between Sierra, Simone, and Kane — by the look on Kane's face, he hadn't a clue how he was supposed to thank someone who was dead. By Sierra's face, she was beaming with joy that her husband had aided the Gods, and by Simone's face, Cullen knew none of them knew the truth. Sierra believed Gavin was still alive inside of Kane, but she couldn't have been far from the fact that her Prime had wiped her husband from existence.

Seeming to notice Cullen's stare growing threateningly wary, Simone turned and handed the Nightblood solution to Sierra. "Thank you, Sierra. Please make sure everything's packed."

"You lied to them." Kane snapped. "He's not one with the Primes."

"That's enough. We're leaving. I'm sure you're looking forward to exploring your new world."

Cullen pulled Gracie closer as Kane spat, "You don't want them to know the truth."

"Marcus, please." Abby begged, tugging on his arm.

"It's quite all right." Simone assured, her body moving forward equalling Cullen moving back. "I understand your concern, and this may come as a surprise to you, but Gavin wanted this more than he wanted anything in his whole life."

"Please." Kane edged dangerously close to the Prime. "Though I may look like him, I am not one of the sheep you raised to follow you into oblivion."

His words were Marcus Kane if Cullen had ever heard them, and her guilt towards the fact she brought this emotional scar down onto him raised. Kane stood for so many things that made humans live equally, and Cullen knew what kind of tole this would take upon his soul — she shamed herself in knowing she had let this happen. She shamed herself in knowing she'd probably lose another person she loved because of her uselessness in helping the situation.

As he moved from the room, her feet instinctively followed him, with Gracie on her tail, and Raven leaving not long after them. Kane must have known it was Cullen by the sound of her footsteps, because as soon as they were far enough away from the mess to be guaranteed not to run into Simone and her Guards again, he stopped and looked back on Cullen and Gracie.

She still wavered underneath his stare — his eyes that weren't his eyes, but an expression she had too much experience being under. "I'm sorry, Kane. I should've tried harder to stop this."

"Don't blame yourself." His voice was wrong. Without the comfort of his tone, Cullen would forever feel at blame for this. "Abby... she would've done anything to make this happen."

"Mom's in danger of this happening to her, too." Gracie blurted out, avoiding her Mother's scorching stare. "It's Nightblood. That's what they need. And they know she has it."

Kane's eyes turned feral, something Cullen chose to ignore as Raven swiftly approached them. "That's not the problem right now. Abby gave the Nightblood solution to Simone, meaning they don't have to wait for generic Nightbloods to be born anymore. She'll take nulls and make them into Hosts."

"Can he be brought back?" Kane asked Raven once she arrived beside them, all of them knowing who he referred to.

Raven only frowned and shook her head once, making Kane drag out a sharp exhale. "Once the serum wipes the mind without it being backed up onto a drive, they're gone. The body's just a shell for whoever gets put in it next."

"I can't live like this." He fumed, much to the discretion of the women surrounding him — Gracie's face seemed to drop to the depths of hell when she figured out the deeper meaning behind Kane's words. "And I can't live knowing they're doing this to other people."

"I have a plan." Raven introduced, and that's all they needed to hear.

Cullen turned to Gracie and took hold of her hand. "Go back to the mess and keep an eye on Abby. If it looks like she's gonna go to Simone or come looking for us, distract her. Take her to the bridge and show her the recordings."

"I want to stay with you."

"Please, Gracie."

Kane stepped forward, hand hesitantly raising to cup the young girl's cheek. Gracie seamlessly melted beneath his touch, big, glistening brown eyes lifting to observe the request in Kane's gaze. "We won't do anything without you. Your Mom will come get you if any of that changes. Please, just go keep an eye on Abby."

She hadn't expected Gracie to listen, but with one last onerous stare sent her way, the Blake girl turned on her heel and quickly made her way back to the mess. Cullen watched after her until she was completely out of sight before beginning to walk behind Raven, still keeping a decent distance from Kane who walked beside her, his eyes lowered to examine the side of her face.

"She's exactly like you." He acknowledged as they entered the Cryo room.

"She's more like her Dad."

"Did you finally tell her?"

The words shouldn't have pained her heart as much as they did, but the memory of Kane and Abby going with Diyoza to Shallow Valley came back to her — the last time they spoke before going into space was in the fighting pit. "Yeah, I told her. She loves him."

She could hear him in his voice as Kane said, "That's good."

They stopped in front of a Cryochamber, Cullen inching forward to see who lay beneath the frosted glass. "Indra?"

"Yep." Was all Raven said before hitting the button and sliding the chamber from the wall. Everything that had happened since they touched down on Alpha came flooding back to Cullen in the seconds it took before Indra's eyes opened. "Welcome back. We need your help."

Indra looked between the two women before her head lulled to the side, eyes settled on Gavin's body. "'We'?"

"Indra, meet Marcus Kane." Cullen's voice scraped against her throat as the woman stood. "The Second."

"Hello my friend. Oso yu don a lot gon chichplei hasta." (We have a lot to talk about.)

Explaining loosely the situation as they walked to the bridge, Cullen's eyes remained on Indra's face to watch how she took it all in. It sounded insane, having their reality rehearsed back to them in such simple words, but Cullen admired how Indra didn't even flinch upon hearing yet another threat posed to wipe them out. Sticking to her true nature of a warrior, only the sight of Alpha and the green clouds on its surface broke her frontier for a fraction of a second.

"And it's Nightbloods." Cullen finished, finger tracing the scar on her palm — the scar she inflicted upon herself to reveal the thing that could stop A.L.I.E.. "Of course. What else would it be?"

"We didn't know until we got here, or I wouldn't have flown the ship." Raven followed. "The deal was Abby shows them how to make Nightblood and Simone brings you back." Her eyes moved across to Kane. "We tried to talk her out of it."

"Why is my life worth more than this man's?" Kane asked no one in particular.

From the window, Indra answered, "Because she loves you."

"Indra, you can't be ok with this." Said Cullen.

"Why not?" She turned to face them. "In Mount Weather, you bled Grounders and harvested bone marrow. On the Ark, you floated people for stealing food. On the ground, my people cheered as children fought to the death to lead us. Is this so much worse?"

"So because we've all done awful things, we do nothing?" Kane proposed.

"No. We survive. Cullen and Raven say they're helping us down there. I assume we need the help."

"They're only helping us because that moon," Cullen thrashed a finger towards the window, tempered, "is an awaiting psychosis state that we can't survive on without a radiation shield."

As Indra prepared herself to reply, Kane cut in, "Look at me. This man had a life. There's a woman with him, his wife. She believes he's still inside me. They lie to them, let them think they're Gods."

"They live forever. Is that not Godlike?" Indra asked.

"What are you saying, Indra? That you believe them?" Raven threw back, being the only one of the three that didn't feel like she was just slapped.

"Who cares what I believed, what I know is that I am looking at my once crucified, resurrected friend, and I can see why some might think that's a miracle."

Cullen almost choked. "They are murdering people. And they will continue murdering people who know no better so that they can keep themselves alive for the rest of eternity."

"Yes, lives have been lost in the worshipping of false Gods before, more than can be counted. But if we let it stand when we could stop it, then our new world would be no different than the one we left behind." Kane finished, ignoring Cullen's gleaming eyes of marvel.

"This is why we need you, Kane." Said Raven.

"Nonsense. Raven, you're strong. You've always known what's right. What's done is done. The question here is, what do we do now?"

Cullen flagged for a few seconds before suggesting, "Destroy the Nightblood serum."

"They would just make more." Said Indra.

"Not if we float it." Raven noted, nodding towards Cullen's idea. "Abby used all the available polymer on the ship. They might find some more on the ground, but unless they have a pilot, they're not getting back to Zero-G."

"And if they do," Indra raised a challenging brow, "they'll have to get past me."

💛

          THE PLAN WAS simple. While Raven readied the Gagrain to return to Alpha, Indra would awaken a few of her most trusted warriors and gather whatever weapons they had left on the ship; with possible force, they'll take the Nightblood solution back and keep Simone and her Guards stationed, while Cullen waited by the airlock chamber with Kane, who would float the Nightblood, and himself, before anything else could be done.

There was no talking Kane out of what he had set his mind to. With the revelation that his original body couldn't be saved and that Gavin's mind could not be returned to his body, Kane only saw one solution, and Cullen would not stand in the way of him clearing his conscience once and for all. He'd never be able to join them in Sanctum knowing he took the body of Sierra's husband, and with that offhanded kill looming over his head, he'd likely drive himself into insanity. Cullen could understand it, which was why she didn't fight him on it and helped put his mind drive back into his original body. No one should take death from a person who wants it, Sloan had said.

The words plagued her as she watched Gracie and Kane say goodbye. They had had limited time together, but Cullen could see the love in both of their eyes — an impossible situation turned possible, she thought. Though, she had never imagined herself saying goodbye to yet another Father figure.

"You stay true to your heart." Kane requested, hands tightening around Gracie's shoulders. "Never stop looking for how you can make the future better. Keep your futuristic optimism with you at all times — it'll save you one day. And take care of your Mom and Dad, please. God knows they'll need it."

"I will." Gracie sniffled, arms winding around Kane's torso for the last night. "I won't let you slip away, Pops. Everyone will remember you."

Cullen glanced away, only to look up again as Gracie slowly made her way towards her Mother. The warm umber of her irises did no favor to the redness of her eyes, tears still glistening on her waterline. "It's better that you get to say goodbye, Gracie." Cullen said quietly.

"Maybe. Maybe it'll hurt more later, though."

She pushed from the wall and rubbed a comforting hand up Gracie's arm. "Head for the transport ship. I don't want you to see this."

Gracie nodded once, attempting to pull a convincing smile onto her lips before looking back on Kane for the last time. The man simply smiled, the expression disappearing the second Gracie walked away and Cullen replaced her presence at the doors of the airlock chamber. The air around them was stiff, but they had both been in worse situations — they had both clung to death as the people they loved died in their arms. It was one of many similarities.

She laughed. "To think, if you hadn't offered me a place in your people all those years ago, I probably wouldn't be here today."

"I disagree." His eyes lightened when Cullen reached to meet them with her own. "I don't think anyone is more determined to stay alive than you are."

"Even though I put my life on the line more times than I should?"

"Even then. And you're still here, aren't you? Clearly you're doing something right." They hadn't shared such a lighthearted conversation since before the Dark Year — Cullen had forgotten what it felt like to feel so safe within an emotion. "Are you gonna be ok?"

She hesitated. "I have my family. They have a reputation for dropping like flies, but I continue finding more people to love — more people that I want to keep safe." Her brows furrowed as she looked towards the airlock. "Do you think it's dangerous having so many people that could be used against you?"

"If you think like that then possibly, but you don't. You know how to separate love from survival."

"That sounds like a bad thing."

"It's not." Kane assured. "Any sane person that's been through what you have would react in the same way. Fearing for your life and the lives of the people you love will never go away, Cullen. You'll never stop being scared unless you do something about it."

"I'm trying." Her lower lip began to tremble.

"I know. Hey," Kane lightly placed his hands on Cullen's shoulders, guiding her to face him properly, "the good guys never catch a break, remember that. And remember that you have survived this long because you deserve to be here. You deserve to open your eyes one day and not be scared."

Cullen frowned. "I can't be the hope, Kane. That's your job."

"And now it's yours. I know you, Cullen. Your heart's too big, but learn to use that at your advantage. Start seeing the best in people, like I did with you." Kane grinned as Cullen pushed out a halfhearted laugh. "You looked so small in that massive bunker. You had just lost everything, and when I looked at you, I knew I couldn't leave you behind. People like you don't come around every day."

"Neither do people like you. You weren't supposed to die like this, Kane."

"It is what it is." He merely shrugged before his face turned serious. "Promise me that you'll continue doing right by our people. Promise me that you'll give everything for the chance at living a life where you don't have to be scared."

"I promise." Cullen leaned into Kane's touch, wrapping her arms around his middle and squeezing her eyes shut, as though it'd miraculously rid her eyes of the tears that threatened to spill. "I promise to be the replacement you."

Kane's chest rumbled with a low laugh that made Cullen smile. They stood there for a few more seconds, Cullen absorbing all that she would miss, before Kane whispered lowly, "I never wanted kids. I was always too focused on ranking higher to care about love, and that damaged me in the long run. And then you," Kane's arms tightened around Cullen's shoulders, bringing her closer for emphasis of his next words, "you made me realize everything I missed out on. That love, it was all I wanted, and I finally got it from you. I love you, Cullen."

"I love you, too." She mumbled into his chest, her grip tightening as voices began coming in from behind them. With one last squeeze, she stepped away and allowed a tear to trickle down her cheek as Indra rounded the corner to join them. "Thank you, for everything."

"Listen to your heart. Follow it wherever it leads you." Was Kane's last advice as he took the Nightblood solution from Indra and stepped back into the airlock chamber, eyes unmoving from Cullen as she clicked the button to shut the doors.

"Airlock sealed." The computerized voice seized Cullen's heart as she stepped away from the door, her vision almost completely blurred behind the tears of departure.

"No! Marcus, wait!" Abby's scream followed, Cullen turning to see her and Raven rounding the corner. "Get out of my way. Please, I'm begging you."

Raven's hand rubbed Cullen's arm as she passed by, moving to the panel of buttons. "Indra, it's ok. She deserves a chance to say goodbye. He can hear you now."

Abby moved towards the doors, Cullen's shoulder aimlessly falling against the wall as a sob threatened to rack through her body. "I didn't want you to see this, Abby. Not again." Said Kane.

"Please, Marcus, I'm begging you. Don't do this." Abby placed her hand on the glass, Kane's reaching up on the other side.

"It's already done. This is wrong, Abby. I know you know that, and I understand why you did it. If I lost you, and I could get you back, I'd probably do the same." In her heart, Cullen knew he wouldn't. "But you won't be able to live with yourself and neither can I."

"Marcus, please. We're so close. We can make a new life. We can start over."

Kane gently shook his head. "Not like this. You told me once that your job was to make sure that we deserve to survive. You remember? That's what I'm doing now."

The feeling of her body shaking was enough to distract Cullen from the rest of their conversation — the only thing holding her together was Raven's arm linked through hers, and the eventual feeling of Kane's eyes upon her again. She forced herself to blink away the tears, and to refocus her gaze so that she could look at the magnificent soul of Marcus Kane one last time. He had given her so much more than he realized, and Cullen would work the rest of her life to deserve all that he had gifted her all those years ago.

It was only when his gaze lingered did Cullen realize he wanted one last thing from her. She nodded weakly, cleared her throat, and said, "In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next." Raven and Indra joined her in rehearsing the farewell as the warrior moved to the panel of buttons. "Safe passage on your travels, until your final journey to the ground. May we meet again."

"May we meet again." Kane smiled, and that's what Cullen clung to forevermore.