TITLE | WHAT IS LOVE

GENRE | FANFICTION

AUTHOR | queensguardbunny

CHAPTERS REVIEWED | 11

SPECIAL REQUESTS | NONE

TITLE | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

asking a question in a title is always a big no-no. it is not advisable to have a question as the title of your story as it is the first thing readers will see. the aim of a story is to give answers  and a conclusion to your readers. having a question in your title may not be attractive to them.

if you must have a question, make sure to put a '?' at the end. this will make your title grammatically correct and will also add a sense of completeness to it. right now, it feels like a part of it is missing. so your two choices would either be changing the whole thing completely or adding a question mark at the end. i would suggest you go with the first one!

COVER | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

minimalistic, aesthetic and relevant! checks all the boxes for me. however, i would suggest visiting a graphic shop where minimal covers are made. you can get something more eye catching because the one you have right now might get lost among other flashier covers.

BLURB | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ .5

short, to the point, a reader's dream! i like how you don't beat about the bush and just give the plot line to us without spoiling anything. i'd like to note here that i'm not part of the huskerdust fandom but i read your blurb and really wanted to give it a try. basically, you've got a wonderful thing going on for you there!

PLOT | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

judging from the perspective of an outsider, i will tell you this: i've read countless mafia stories on and off wattpad. in fact, i live for the mafia thrill and adventure. what most struck me about your book was the fact that it wasn't just another bad boy/soft girl story. it had a twist and a slight edginess to it which i absolutely adored!

CHARACTERS | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

i'll be honest; you've got some great characters going for you. however, it becomes difficult to keep up with them when we don't know their names for the first five chapters. i know you're going for a big reveal but it isn't working, especially when your chapter lengths are short. you are also narrating from the third person's pov so you've also got a ton of creative space. you can easily describe every emotion that angel is going through and sometimes even clue is in on what the others are feeling. i'll explain how in a later point.

GRAMMAR | ⭐️ ⭐️

one thing i really liked was the disclaimer at the beginning giving us a little insight into the words and slangs of the fandom mafia. having said that, there were inconsistensies with tense and grammatical errors . i'll mention some of the glaring ones here for you to rectify.

-- until he could get proper treatment for it.

The sudden stop of the train awoke the injured boy.

So, he had a double whammy on his hands.

Even so, he had a pistol in a holster under his shirt, which was jammed and pretty unusable right then, and a knife in his boot for safety.

--worth stealing, if the people jumped him and his family wouldn't notice even if he died. So what did he have to lose, except his dignity and pride?

DESCRIPTIONS | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

right now, you book has adequate descriptions but i would highly suggest increasing chapter lengths. while it is definitely short and easy to read, it isn't helping you with your descriptions especially because you have so many characters. maybe you could start by going one chapter at a time and explain in greater detail about how angel escaped, what he saw on his way, people who gave him strange looks, people who almost killed him. describe, describe, describe! it'll automatically increase your word count!

DIALOGUES | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

i believe there could have been greater depth to it. this was again hampered by the length of your chapters. you wanted to give a short treat to the readers but instead it felt like the dialogues were compromised on. angel was kidnapped so he obviously needs to have stronger emotions. make him curse, bite, kick the men around and then he can slowly calm down. personally, he felt very calm for someone who could be killed any instant. plus, the guy is shot and is in the mafia. make him fierce!

FLOW/LOOPHOLES | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

no loopholes so far, except for the part where he was shot in the leg but then he woke up and the description said "shot arm". how did he know he was shot there? make him hear it from someone else like-- He felt his arm seize up. He couldn't move his hand and panic crept into his heart. Did those men shoot him? Why did he have no recollection? He began scarping against his restraints, desperate to get free. Instead, fire shot up his arm and he gasped before falling on his back. [enter a character who explains his condition]

ENGAGEMENT | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

so far, i enjoyed reading about angel and husk. i wish the chapter length was better because while short, it was engaging. i think the best thing you could do now is begin by improving the way you approach your characters. work their fears, make them relatable, tell us where they are. make sure you use the third pov to your best advantage. here are some third pov books that are beautiful and are great with descriptions. maybe you could draw some inspiration! the harry potter series (duh!), the grishaverse books, daughter of smoke and bone by laini taylor, eleanor and park by rainbow rowell and fangirl by rainbow rowell.

FINAL VERDICT | ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

i think you've got potential to work around the mistakes i pointed out above. recheck your grammar, slap on a new cover, add a few more details to your blurb, describe and increase your chapter length! pretend this is your novel and not fanfiction. pretend like you do not have a fanbase to rely on and make this story your own. introduce your characters better, make them talk more to each other and finally, don't always end a chapter on a cliffhanger. sometimes, you can end it with a conclusion, too.