It had been about an hour keeping myself in a state of self loathing and the wonder of when my death would come. I wasn't upset with anyone but myself so, I wasn't even phased of my death. All I knew was that Jamie didn't have to deal with me anymore. I didn't want him to be pushed to be with someone he didn't want to be with, that would be me.
Until-
Jamie?
                     " babe? Jason please talk to me!" I was a little more than confused but I answered. Not too happily, but answered. I wasn't necessarily upset over jamie, more-so of myself and the thought of failing him.
                     " I'm here what's wrong?" He explained that what he had said was a mistake, that he didn't mean to. My brain didn't question him for one moment, I took him back, no questions asked.
                     " It's okay, it's okay." I said trying to keep Jamie calm from his supposed mistaken content he had given me not too long before. He kept rambling about that it was his fault and he was only pressured. I blankly disagreed with him, I wasn't particularly kind to him in my response. I was more stern than usual. Jamie didn't mind though, thank god he didn't.
                    The day went on with harsh apologies and putting the important jewelry back around our necks and fingers. That night I didn't even know wether him coming back was a joke, a cruel joke that he only gave for pity. Though that thought didn't last long when I received my usual
" I love you"
" I love you to" 's
                     Of hearing that I pledged to myself to ,never, in my life ruin anything for him, not even once can I regurgitate my horrible life on his, to never ruin a perfect night. He will never, in his life, have to deal with anything that could possibly hurt his mental health. I will make sure he has what he wants, what he needs, when he has to have it, when he wants it. I don't care what I'm doing, he gets what he wants, everything he wants when he wants it. He gets what he needs when he needs it. If he says he needs it, it's his.
                  A panic rolled over my body and enveloped it as a yelled for my doctor to remove what I had put in myself. I wanted to live, not really, but I wanted to  spend as much time with Jamie as I could before my life expired in only a matter of time. I may only have a year but I will make that year the best he's ever had.  
                  That night I had literally washed my mouth out with soap. I walked home, by myself, and picked up the most disgusting, most fragrant bar of soap I could find in the house. I runned it under the warm faucet water and moved it around in my hands, digging my finger tips into it, creating pale pink bubbles that I love to watch move around on the bar of soap. I searched around the bathroom to find a toothbrush, preferably a blue and white one, to give myself more of a punishment, like if I were still a child. I finally found one after about twenty minutes, taking it out of its package, slowly holding up to mouth to look at myself for a moment. I looked at my dark circles and tensed muscles, looking at every little imperfection over myself.
' Funny how people think I'm perfect. ' I thought to myself, only thinking of how perfect my husband is.
' I wish I was more like him, perfect in every way. Because, no one will love me if I'm not attractive.' I sighed as I stared at myself in the mirror, bringing down the childish toothbrush, pushing the bristles into the childish pink soap, shoving the bristles down into the soap until I needed more than double the force to pull out the toothbrush. I stared at the bubbly toothbrush for a moment then opened my mouth and began to brush my teeth slowly, gagging at every moment of it all, tears streaming down my face, drooling, trying to get the taste out of my mouth.  I briskly planted my hands to the vanity coughing and gagging over the sink, spitting out the soap. I got over my overreaction and forcefully jabbing the bristles to my teeth, scrubbing away the regret. In no time my gums were bleeding, the soap now turning red. I didn't think that was enough for what I did to Jamie. I turned on the faucet and let it run until steam filled the room, the mirror fogged over, the room hot. I opened my mouth once more and bent over the sink letting the practically boiled water burn my mouth staining the white of the porcelain sink a dark pink. I stayed under the water for almost 10 minutes letting my regret bleed out of me, letting everything I've ruined bleed away.
                     I sat myself up, tears pouring down my face, with no expression, blood running down my neck, down my shirt, to the ground, leaving a puddle of my painful regret under my feet.
'Job well done. Job well done. Now never do that again, or this will get worse' The voice in the back of my head whispered to me as I wiped my mouth off with my sleeve, jerking away from the burning, then walked to bed, waking up with more blood staining the pillow and blankets. That doesn't matter, because there is no value in me, is there?  I could only think to tell my perfect little angel a good morning. He will always have the value, since he is worth more then a million galaxies to me.