How could someone be so selfish, only want what they want? How could someone only care so much about themselves? To only want someone in their life because- only for their needs? How could someone treat my precious little baby like that?
Jamie wants to be with me, I don't want to make him be with someone he doesn't want to be with. How dare that man think ,for one second, that I will give Jamie away like a toy on a shelf?
Never.
my defence was to keep Jamie safe, so he could have what he wanted, not what anyone else wanted.
After about over an hour of constant fighting over
" I want Jamie!" and
" I want what Jamie wants!" The young man trying to take possession of what is mine had crossed the line. 
'Throwing insults now aren't you?' I could only think to myself. I swear if he was in front of me someone, most definitely not me, would have gotten seriously hurt. I grew angry of his games and put him in his place, it wasn't long until he was wishing on my death bed. The conversation ended just like that and I pushed my attention back to Jamie making sure that he was alright-
Why wouldn't I ask if he was alright? I hope he's alright over there. I hope nothing has been done to him, I really hope not..
               Talking to my perfect little angel was one of my worst mistakes I have ever made, one of my worst regrets I have ever made in my life. 
              I asked if he was alright, I was completely concerned for his well being and safety trying to ward away the one trying to steal what wasn't his, He only thought of himself, I didn't want my Jamie exposed to that. I didn't want him to feel hurt and unwelcome, that's why I am with him, to make him feel warm and welcome to me for anything and everything thrown at him- so he would feel safe in my presents. 

             This was the only regret I've made.
The only thing I entirely remember was his words telling me that I was like the selfish, cold hearted men before me, that I was in the wrong. 
" I did this," I whispered, questioning to myself, trailing off into a broken voice, unable to speak,
" I did this?" I mouthed to myself, though no sound poured out of my lips. 
            He slammed his ring to the table after hastily removing it from his finger, the finger controlling us. He told me again that I was practically insane to think what I was thinking, After I panicked thinking he wanted to be with that self centered man. 
         
              I only want what I thought he wanted. That isn't wrong, is it?
         
           Tears never rolled down my face, but I felt empty, I felt like my body was only empty space. I looked over to the side of my hospital bed with a blank expression,
" Okay, I'm ready now." My voice completely broken at this point, aiming the words I was speaking to my doctor.
" Are you sure Mr. Gray?" My heart sank at the name I was called, I didn't have the energy to argue. I nodded in response, looking down at the metal around my finger, pulling it closer to my face before giving Jamie one last kiss before I left.
              I stood myself up as nurses escorted me out of the room, leaving my little girl in a screaming panic, along with my instructor and a few other of their friends. She yelled over to me telling me that I couldn't go, that it wasn't right for me to do so.
Now I'm the selfish one, now I can be called self centered to want to " put the dog to sleep".

            " Putting the dog to sleep" is a sad expression for wanting to be put down your beloved pet when they are too sick to function.

How does this relate?

Because I am the dog, I am not sick necessarily, but I'm sick. 
              My personal doctor that, only is for me and sometimes my little girl, sat me down in a chair, in an isolated room, with only a few chunks of machinery to spare the silence. He looked down at my now extended arm, revealing the crook of my arm and simply asked,
              " Are you absolutely sure?" I nodded once more only thinking to myself,
              ' Of course I'm sure- why wouldn't I? I've failed haven't I? I've failed my only purpose.' I trail off in my thoughts shoving myself in a self loathing state letting tears fall down my cheeks. Still not an expression to be seen on me, 
' I was wrong, how could I be so horrible? This is my fault that I've hurt someone I've loved the most. This really is my fault. How could I be so heartless? I tried so hard to make sure Jamie was never hurt- I failed to do that to. I tried so hard to make sure he would never have to shed anymore tears- I failed to make sure that happened to, now didn't I? How could I be so cruel and only think of myself? I tried so hard.. so hard...'
               I hadn't even noticed that my doctor had already injected the perfect poison into my body, he pat my back and blinked a few times to gather his thoughts,
              " I wish you the most beautiful journey Jason. You always were my best patient. You should enjoy the rest of your day. Go talk to your husband, or go to the mall? You love the mall." 
' your husband my ass.' I thought, I didn't have the energy to move out of the chair, I stayed were I was, though I didn't want to die here. I sat where I was and didn't move, I didn't want to talk to Jamie, I didn't want to talk to anyone, no one at all. I only wanted to lay here and wait for my death to arrive and the shot to consume my body to let me lay dead. 

I didn't deserve to live after what I did. I'm a failure, failures never win. 

                                               
                   
                                                      so why should I?