I have no excuse for not updating. I've just been lazy, blocked and every bad thing in between. Hope you're all fine and staying indoors? May Allah bring an end to this pandemic, grant the afflicted shifaa and protect the health workers selfless enough to take care of the sick. Ameen.

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Mommy's condition is deteriorating everyday. They have nothing left to do than pray she gets better. She refused to be flown abroad for advanced medical care.

"I think you should reconsider Aisha. Look how lean you've become in a matter of days, you can't even eat solids. We all care for you and want you to get better even if it's not what you want" Mama complained after knowing about Mommy's decision to stay put in the hospital she has been admitted in.

"I know that I am going to die, please take care of Shams and Mas'ud for me as you've always been doing with Rufaidah. Help them find a good and pious wife with a heart of gold like yours. Don't abandon them like I did. I am truly sorry for all the things I've done to you since childhood. I don't deserve your empathy but the goodness in your heart will make it easier for you to forgive me"

"Haba Aisha! Stop saying rubbish please. Being sick doesn't mean you've been condemned to die. You will get well, choose a spouse for your guys, watch your grandkids grow in shaa Allah. As for my forgiveness, you have nothing to worry about my dear. Let bygones stay in the past where they belong. Just get well soon" 

"I know how I feel. Just be good to them when am gone. Be the mother they never have in me. May Allah bless you and your kin with a huge mansion in jannah. May tears never flow in your eyes, may you remain happily blessed till the day you breathe your last and your good deeds accompany you to the world beyond" she wiped a tear and turned to sleep.

Mama stayed with her until her breathing becomes even before she left mulling over the things mommy said. She knows a person who's dying  after seeing her precious Fareedah die right in front of her eyes. She is in a dilemma whether to tell Rufaidah and her brothers to come say and their  goodbyes.

Mama called them on her way home. She didn't tell them their mother might not survive the day. Just that they should go and see her together. Shams and Rufaidah left work early to pick Mas'ud and Daddy at home before proceeding to the hospital. It has become a tradition for them to visit her in the evening together.

She was sleeping when they arrived so they speak in hush tone until she finally woke up forty five minutes after their arrival.

"Sannu mommy, how are you feeling? What will you like to drink?" Rufaidah asked.

Mommy weakly nodded indicating she doesn't need anything. She motioned for them to come closer.

"I know that I've not been the best wife to you Sa'ad neither the best mother to you three and I am sorry. If am to turn back the hands of time, maybe I might have been but what is done is done. I am proud of all of you, of the people you have become despite being so damaged by us, for sticking together to make this family whole again, for your undeserving love, support and forgiveness. I love you all so very much and I wish I can have more time to show you how much and make amends.

Take care of your father for me, don't let him go back to his old ways, pray for me to find repose in my grave, don't cry because I was never there, you won't even miss me"

"You're just sick ma, not dying. Please stop it" Rufaidah interrupted her mother with a cracked voice.

"I regret a lot of things but not having you guys, you're the light illuminating my darkness. You complete me and I'm thankful to Allah for having you guys, you're better than I am, the best part of me. Allah ya muku albarka, na yafe muku duniya da lahira please forgive me too"

They were all sobbing holding unto her. Rufaidah crouched down on her knees hugging mommy's torso.

"You can't leave us ma. You just can't die like this, I love you. I need you now more than ever " She rambled in tears.

"Forgive me Aisha. It is all my fault" daddy said wiping a tear from her face.

"I have forgiven you all"

"You can't just die. Not now, not in a thousand years to come" Mas'ud whispered, trying to keep the tears at bay.

"A lot have gone through worse than this mom, you're strong and in shaa Allah you're going to make it. Stop breaking our hearts and giving us a scare. You're going to get well, we will take you home soon and you're going to make amends, you don't even need to, we love you too much to not forgive you" Shams chided amidst tears.

"Maybe in jannah in shaa Allah. You all need to say goodbye. Besides, every soul shall taste death and we can't outlive the time apportioned to us. Thank you for your kindness and love, may Allah be with you always" she said in a weaker tone with droopy eyes.

"Try to stay awake mommy, let me get the doctor" Mas'ud instructed and rushed out.

Daddy couldn't form a coherent sentence, he keep opening and closing his mouth trying to say something while Rufaidah and Shams are still holding on to her crying their hearts out.

"You are going to be fine, you will live a happy life with Allah's guidance and barakah. I know you will" she tried to smile at them.

The doctor came, did some check ups and sedated her asking them to allow her to rest. None of them could summon the courage to go home in case she wakes up which she never did.

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Mommy's death is a blow to her family, the Jibran's and Muhammad's. Rufaidah didn't have one of her episodes but a single glance at her will tell you how devastated she is. She couldn't eat for days, no one is able to get to her and console her.

Shams and Mas'ud are shaken too. Daddy locked himself up in his room for days before uncle Jibran finally brought him out.

On the seventh day after prayers uncle Jibran, Alhaji Muhammad and some elders from their extended family summoned them to the living room for a meeting.

Uncle Jibran cleared his throat and went thus " We all know that losing a dear one is painful and something you'll have to live with for the rest of our lives. Every soul shall taste death, you have to exercise patience and pray for Aisha because that's the only thing she needs from you. Not tears, not sadness. Life goes on with or without the people we love, the world doesn't stop. I beg you in the name of God to move on"

"Sa'ad, you're the head of this household, you need to get over your grief and take care of your children. They can only move on if you do" Alhaji Muhammad added.

Prayers and soothing words were exchanged before they finally dispersed.

Al'amin met Rufaidah in mommy's room hugging one of her pillows to her chest with a sombre expression.

"Noor" he whispered sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Na'am"

"How are you?"

"Am fine"

"Have you eaten?"

" yes"

"Can I hold you?"

"Yes" she shifted to his side giving him a back hug.

"In shaa Allah, Mommy is in a better place, she will not want us to despair over her death. Be the strong woman I love and stop crying okay? She needs our duas more than anything" he turned to face her giving her a soft peck on her forehead.

"I regret all the time I wasted being angry  at her not knowing I won't have much to make up for lost time. I feel like bringing her back just to lay beside her in this bed, loose her hair as we gist, make cuppa for her, tell her stories from school, tell her about my fears, dreams and aspirations, tell her how much I love you, cry in her arms whenever I miss Reedah and Musayyib. All those silly fights between a mother and her child. I missed a lifetime with her babe" she sobbed into his chest.

"Shhh, you'll have time to do all those in jannah in shaa Allah. A better version of all your fantasies. The best"

"Be strong for us kinji baby love?" He pinched her cheeks making her smile.
Al'amin cocooned her in his arms, inhaling her scent which he misses so much as they talk.

"Am sorry dear, I've been consumed with my grief and I didn't consider how it might affect you too" she apologized.

"Babe, you have nothing to apologize for okay? I am the one that should be here with you, you lost a mother Noor, you deserve my love, support and understanding" he shushed her.

The next morning, Ummi brought breakfast of pap and beans cake as per Rufaidah's instructions. She too is shaken by mommy's death because they have gotten close after Rufy's marriage.

"How are you today?" She asked, sitting on the futon.

"I feel better than any day since her demise. I am having so many regrets Ummi"

"I think you should be thankful. Look at me for instance, I never knew my parents, I don't even know how my mother looks like, whether I take after her in looks or my father, I never know what being around real family who will love you unconditionally is"

"Alhamdulillah for all His blessings upon us, the pain, the heartbreak and the lessons. Am so sorry Ummi. But we are your family here, I love you unconditionally too. You'll always be my sister" she squeezed her hands before they started eating from the same plate.

"Yaya Al'amin will kill me if he knows that we are eating together" Ummi teased.

"Nah, he will be happy. I'm just sad that he is eating and doing everything alone without me there with him"

"You should go back immediately after the distribution of inheritance. I heard daddy saying the Chief Imam and his committee have started making an inventory of Mommy's possessions"

"Funny how you can spend an entire life time with someone and still not have enough time to do all the things you wanted to do with them. I pray mommy is in a better place, death scares us and scar us but still we hardly take heed, we keep on making mistakes, wasting precious moments over insignificant things and now all we have left are the things she left behind" Rufaidah sighed, wiping her tears.

"Can I hug you?" Ummi asked meekly.

Rufaidah didn't answer her, she just held her in her arms as they cry.

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One more chapter and an epilogue to wrap up this book. I feel so disappointed in myself from the start I hope you forgive me. Thank you for reading.

How is quarantine and Ramadan prep going ? I pray we reach Ramadan in good health, may Allah bring an end to this pandemic and see us through every hardship that might come our way. Amin

Shukran Jazeel.