Credit for the AMV above goes to the YouTube channel SwegMaster005!

CHAPTER FOUR

Adrien let out a shaky breath as he stood in front of Alya's apartment.

Apparently, she'd gotten her own place, which was a bit surprising to him considering they all were still seniors in high school. Nino had explained to him timidly that Alya had landed a stable job months before Marinette's passing and had moved out officially after Marinette's funeral. Adrien figured it was because she needed her own space to grieve.

Or maybe it was just another way to hide from her blatant problem. Considering her parents were rather strict, Adrien doubted they would be happy to learn that their daughter had slept with someone and was currently pregnant with their grandchild.

No wonder Alya had moved out.

Adrien would be scared too.

He moved his fist to knock softly on her door. With his eyes now opened on Alya's new and sudden predicament, Adrien was unsure of how he should act around a pregnant girl; his pregnant friend who was under the impression that only Nino knew about her pregnancy.

Adrien had just seen her. Well... maybe it had been three weeks ago, but that wasn't too long ago, and the party at Chloé's happened about a month prior to that. So... wouldn't that mean that she would've been pregnant for about two months? Wouldn't she be showing already? He was at Marinette's funeral, he attended the reception afterward, and Alya was there, greeting everyone with a sad smile and pretending as if nothing was wrong with the world. He hadn't even noticed she was pregnant, nor did she look or seem different in any way... though it's not as if he was exactly looking either. But still...

Wouldn't he have noticed?

Just like you noticed the signs of Marinette's suicide?

He shook his head to get rid of that thought. Now was not the time.

The door opened before he could answer his own question, and he froze as Alya emerged underneath the doorway. She was wearing a pair of black leggings and an oversized beige hoodie that reached her mid-thighs.

And she looked exhausted.

When Alya realized who was standing outside, her eyes widened in surprise. "Adrien?" She placed a hand on her hip. "What are you doing here?"

Adrien shuffled his feet anxiously and quickly averted his gaze. Maybe it was a bad idea for him to come here. "I-I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to come here unannounced. I can leave if you—"

"No!" Alya exclaimed abruptly, and he quickly looked up from his shoes just in time to catch the small smile she had to offer. "No way, sunshine. It feels like I haven't seen you in forever... and we have a lot of catching up to do. Get inside!"

Even as she stepped back to allow him inside, Adrien hesitated. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't quite understand how she could welcome him in so warmly after the obvious tension he caused that tore their friendship, even though they were never the closest of friends. But they were mutual, and even despite that, he was the one who pushed her away. He was the one who, out of grief (though that was no excuse), said some things he really regretted. He was the one who didn't want her help.

Even when he planned to come visit her and Nino had given him her address, he'd still been afraid to knock on her door. He thought she would've turned him away.

But instead, she welcomed him in as if nothing had ever happened.

How could she be so forgiving?

"So," Alya began as she settled herself on the couch. "How did you know where to find me?"

Out of courtesy, Adrien removed his shoes by the door and followed her hesitantly into the living room. "Uh... I went to your old house. Your parents said you moved out and they gave me your address." He had no choice but to lie, since mentioning that he'd spoken to Nino prior to his visit here would've probably not been a good idea.

Alya hummed thoughtfully, "Ah right. Sorry about not telling you or anything. I sort of ghosted everyone for a while."

Adrien snorted, "Yeah... so did I." He then looked up to meet her eyes and sighed sadly, "I'm so sorry about what I did and said to you, Alya. I should've been a better friend to you. I should've grieved with you."

Alya's smile fell only slightly as she shook her head. "No, Adrien. It's okay to need space after losing someone. I shouldn't have kept pushing."

Adrien offered her a small grin. "So... does that mean you'll unblock my number now?"

Alya giggled as she tossed one of the couch cushions playfully in his direction. Adrien couldn't help but smile widely as he caught it with ease. "Of course, sunshine. I can't stay mad at you no matter how hard I try."

Well... that was a relief. Adrien sagged his shoulders and laughed easily.

Then, he watched as Alya offered him a pained smile. All jokes aside, she asked, "How have you been doing lately?"

His smile fell along with hers. "I could ask you the same thing."

Alya shrugged, "I find myself always reaching for my phone to click on her contact, and then I remember she'll never read my message or see any of my calls because she's gone."

Adrien nodded in understanding. He definitely understood. He would give anything to talk to Marinette again... even if it was for one last time.

"I just... I just really miss her." Alya said sadly, and he watched with his own form of guilt as a stray tear stained her cheek. "She was my best friend. She was my other half. We always told each other everything. And right now... I need to talk to her more than ever."

Adrien had a feeling he knew exactly what she was talking about.

He frowned deeply in thought. "I know I'm nothing like Marinette, but you can always talk to me if you need to."

He wasn't sure how Marinette would comfort her friend in a situation like this, but he would try his best.

Alya offered him a sad, grateful smile. "Thanks Adrien. I'll keep that offer in mind."

But the conversation was left at that, and he was somewhat bothered by it. He promised his best friend he wouldn't mention the whole pregnancy thing, but Adrien needed some questions answered.

And he figured Alya could answer them.

"Alya," Adrien rubbed at the back of his neck anxiously. "I have a confession to make."

She raised a confused brow. "Um okay?"

"You know how Marinette left a little something behind for everyone she cared about?" He asked with a slight grimace, and Alya nodded silently, "Well... she left me this journal..."

Alya's eyes widened slightly. "What—"

"And I've been reading it... because she addressed it to me."

Alya gaped at him in disbelief. "You mean that little notebook she always brought to school with her? The one she never let anyone read?"

"Yeah."

Immediately, Alya stood to her feet. It was hard to really understand what she was feeling, but the frown etched in her lips proved she was far from a good mood. He watched as she placed one hand on her hip.

And the other... she outstretched towards him.

"Let me see it," She practically demanded. "I want to see what she wrote. No—I need to see what she wrote."

Adrien understood that feeling all too well. For him, Marinette's writings would eventually bring him the closure he needed, but they were only meant for him to read. No one else. She addressed the journal to him. Everything she wrote she wrote to him.

Which is why he'd been so adamant about keeping the journal a secret from his father and Nathalie.

If either of them found the journal, he feared they would take it away... or worse... spread the words that were only meant for his eyes to her parents, or even to other people who didn't deserve to hear what she had to say. Not that he deserved it, though.

He didn't deserve anything.

But if that book was for him and only him, he was going to respect Marinette's wish.

That was the least he could do.

Adrien shook his head sadly, "I'm sorry, Alya... but I can't let you read it. Marinette specifically addressed the book to me... and a lot of the messages in there are kind of... personal."

"'Personal?'" Alya laughed coldly at that. He felt her glare pierce into his eyes. "Since when did you and Marinette ever share anything personal? She was my best friend!"

"She was my friend too!" Adrien frowned only slightly. He wasn't sure if he even had the right to say that, but he did nonetheless. "And for the record, there's a lot you don't know about my relationship with Marinette."

"'Relationship?' I didn't know pretending someone didn't exist was considered a friendship nowadays."

"I didn't ignore her," Adrien mumbled, his gaze now downcast. "We hung out sometimes."

Alya pointed an accusing finger at him. "You hung out behind closed doors. You hung out where nobody else could see you two together. You were ashamed of her... and she knew it too."

They were seated in her bedroom, controllers in hand as they battled each other in a game of Mecha Strike III, when Marinette broke the comfortable silence and told him that she wanted to give him something.

The game was paused, and Adrien watched with a curious expression as she reached into her pocket. However, when she pulled out a beaded bracelet that looked as if it'd been put together by a kindergartener in art class, he frowned, "What is it?"

"Uhh... it's my lucky charm." She said as if it was obvious.

He arched an unconvinced brow. "'Your lucky charm?'"

She nodded, offering him a soft smile. "Yeah. This is how I always win every round... but it looks like you could use it." She giggled.

Gently, his fingers brushed against hers as he took the bracelet. His fingers ran over the beads delicately. He met her eyes again with a serious expression. "Are you sure you want me to have this? It seems kind of special."

Marinette shrugged, "What's the point of having so much good luck if you have no one to share it with?"

He held the charm closer to his chest and smiled fondly. Marinette was always too kind for her own good...

"Will you wear it?" She asked him with a hopeful smile.

He told her he would, because the bracelet was important to her, and therefore, it became important to him.

So, he slipped it onto his wrist and continued on with their game.

But he knew it broke her heart every time he walked into class with his wrist bare. He could see it in her eyes. Adrien never did wear the bracelet to school, because his true concern only lied on what people would think of him if he were to wear something that was considered so childish in a public place.

He didn't think about how she would feel every time she saw him without it.

And that was his mistake.

Adrien reached up to grab fistfuls of his hair. "I didn't come here to be reminded of how badly I screwed her over."

Alya's furious expression sobered only slightly.

"But I'm not the only one who's made mistakes I wish I could take back, and I'm definitely not the only one to blame." He said sternly, lifting his head to stare at her indifferently. "So stop pounding on me as if her death was entirely my fault. Sure, I had a big part in it, but you're not exactly innocent either. You didn't even know your own best friend was hurting."

He watched as Alya's expression fell—hurt and guilt flashing through her eyes. They were both partially to blame for Marinette's death. They both could have been a better friend. They could have paid better attention to their friend.

"I'm sorry," he instantly apologized, suddenly feeling guilty for even opening his mouth. "I shouldn't have said that—"

"No." Alya stopped him with a raised hand. Her voice sounded dejected now. "You're right. You're not the only one to blame. I wasn't exactly being a very good best friend either."

Adrien nodded in understanding. "I guess it's just easier to blame everyone else for what's happened, huh?"

Alya offered him a sad smile. "Oh yeah."

"I get the feeling," Adrien said sadly as his eyes fell downcast in his lap.

He watched as he involuntarily twiddled his thumbs nervously. Ideally, this visit was meant to be him asking her questions about a certain event Marinette talked about in her writings, but instead, it felt as if they both needed to vent and get a lot off of their chests.

Adrien sighed, "I wanted to ask you about something Marinette wrote in her first journal entry to me."

When Alya remained silent, he took that as his cue to continue. "Is it true that you went to that party without Marinette?"

He didn't need to specify which party he was talking about. Alya seemed to understand exactly what he was talking about. He watched as she tensed, her shoulders hunching into her collarbone, and he watched as her eyes widened ever-so-slightly.

Her answer to his question was a slight nod.

"Why'd you go?" He asked her softly.

She looked up at him then. "I could ask you the same thing," She shot right back at him. "Why were you at the party?"

"You and I know both know we were there for different reasons."

Alya arched a brow. "Were we? Honestly, I was there to have fun. Weren't you?"

Adrien tried not to visibly grimace. The only reason he'd been at the party in the first place was because his reputation required it. Plus, if he ever missed one of Chloé's parties, he would never hear the end of it.

Chloé was his childhood best friend, but that didn't necessarily mean she took the title well. She always said she wanted them to be more than just friends. He knew this. Everyone knew it. However, the idea of having Chloé as a girlfriend was kind of unpleasant, especially when he held no sort of romantic feelings for her whatsoever.

So, instead, he gave her what she really wanted.

Sex.

And lots of it.

His relationship with Chloé sort of became a friends-with-benefits arrangement. Chloé didn't seem to mind the arrangement, and he wasn't necessarily opposed to the idea either at the time. It was fun. Chloé knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to hold back. And he... well he didn't have to worry about being careful with her.

At the time it was enjoyable. But now as he reflected back on it...

It disgusted him.

He wished he never would've done it.

"I was there because I had to be," Adrien said emotionlessly. "You and I both know that my title with Chloé was pretty much what everyone was talking about. I had to be there. I had to keep the image up."

Alya hummed idly, "So, why don't you keep up the image now?"

Because things are different now, he wanted to say.

But instead, he said, "I realized there wasn't a point. An image is just an image. People can all take the same picture, but that doesn't necessarily mean they'll all have the same perspective on it."

She didn't quite meet his eyes as she said, "I wish you would've realized that sooner."

"What do you mean?" He asked, his eyebrows raised in question.

She didn't elaborate. Instead, Alya shook her head and offered him a falsified smile—one that was supposed to assure him that she was totally fine. He knew better than to believe it though. "Is that all you wanted to ask?"

He shook his head almost instantly. "I just... I wanted to know why you started to shift your priorities onto people who really didn't give a shit about you."

She frowned deeply at him.

"I mean I get it," Adrien quickly went on to explain. "I was like that too, but I was already in that life, surrounded by those people. But you weren't, and I guess I just wanted to know why you wanted to be a part of it."

He watched as she ran her fingers through her hair, and then she sighed defeatedly, "I guess I did it because I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere else. I mean, sure... I had Marinette. She was my best friend. But it was just us, and I felt like that wasn't enough sometimes."

Adrien wondered how that could be a bad thing. If it was just him and Nino—together against the world, like it had been from the start back in grade school—Adrien would've been happy. He probably would've made fewer mistakes too. But then he and Nino both made friendships that were toxic. They each became someone who wasn't really them.

He sometimes wished he could go back to having one real friendship, instead of having a dozen fake ones.

Life would be so much easier that way.

Popularity isn't what brings happiness. All it did was trap you in a world full of deception. It made you everyone's main focus.

And Adrien had been under that spotlight long enough.

He was tired of it.

"Thanks for talking to me, Alya." He broke the silence with a small smile. "Maybe we can talk again sometime. I think that would be good for the both of us."

As he stood to his feet, Alya followed. "Yeah, I think that would be good too." She reached for her phone that was stuffed into her back pocket and pulled it out into view. She turned it on as she met his eyes once again. "Once I unblock your number, do you think we could talk or... text regularly? I just really need someone to talk to."

Adrien nodded vigorously, "Of course! You can message me whenever."

He opened his arms wide for her to fall into, and Alya obliged almost immediately. Adrien smiled widely the moment he felt her arms weave around his middle, and her nose bury into his chest. Gently, his arms came around the small of her back... and he held her. He held her like she needed to be held.

If Nino wasn't going to man up, hold his girl, and give her what she really needed right now (which is someone to help her get through this difficult experience), then Adrien was going to step in and be there for his friend. Whatever she needed him for, he would be there.

Because he wasn't going to leave her to do this all on her own. That just wasn't right.

He hadn't been there for Marinette when she needed him most.

So he was going to be there for Alya.

_______________________________

"Your skin isn't paper, so don't cut it.
Your face isn't a mask, so don't hide it.
Your size isn't a book, so don't judge it.
Your life isn't a film... so don't end it."

— anonymous

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